I curled up on my window seat with Damian’s journal hugged against my chest. I was drowning. Water rose higher and higher until it covered my head, leaving me gasping for breath. My body shook as I imagined Damian’s arms wrapping around me, holding me close to his body, and lifting me to the surface. I still couldn’t suck in air.
If he falls for you…Now his own words confirmed it. And if it wasn’t for the last sentence in Leslie’s prophecy, I’d be elated. He loved me!
I loved him too, but…
If you don’t recover…God had yet to answer this part. The decision to try the experimental drug weighed heavily on me. There were no easy answers. Whatever I chose would affect everyone I loved.
I dry heaved into my hands. Shaking, I slid a blanket over me. The shivers, from cold or fear I didn’t know, released goose bumps on my arms. I went back and forth; the best choice wasn’t always the easiest or the clearest one.
It will kill him. I buried my head into one of the decorative pillows and finally lost control. Squeezing it as hard as I could into my chest, I sobbed until my head hurt and the sun began to set.
A few times, my mother shuffled up on the other side of my door, but she never knocked or came in.
When the sky darkened, I reached for my phone. Maybe Damian had tried to call and I hadn’t heard it ring. Nothing appeared on the screen.
With a knot tightening in my stomach, I opened my diary and began to write.
January 18
Dear Diary,
I read Damian’s journal today. I can’t breathe.
It hurts. How could he love me when he’s sleeping with her? She’s his brother’s girlfriend. I mean, who does that?
I’m so confused. He didn’t have second thoughts about Ellie jumping into his bed. Is it me? Why doesn’t he want me that way?
In his journal, he says she’s not a part of his life anymore—because of me. It still doesn’t stop the jealousy from boiling over. She had him in ways I may never get him now. It’s not fair.
Oh what I wouldn’t give to be in his arms. I want him to tell me everything will be okay, that it’s only me, and that he…Pathetic, I know, but I want him to want me like that. Like her.
I want to go back to being wrapped against him before all of this. Back to when I was with him, I could forget everything else and feel comforted.
I stood up and walked to my vanity mirror. My whole face was puffy and red. After a few deep breaths, I dabbed on some makeup, put on my favorite knit hat, and grabbed Damian’s journal. God, I hoped I wasn’t too late.
I took my time descending the stairs. Halfway down, I stopped at the sound of my father’s voice.
“I have to think about Kate and what’s best for her.”
“I understand, sir.”
My breath caught in my throat as Damian’s voice rung in my ear.
“And I guarantee we want the same thing. I made a huge mistake, and I can’t take it back. But I’d like to ask for your forgiveness, and Kate’s.”
I leaned my back against the wall, waiting. For a few moments, no one spoke. I wanted to peek around the corner, but if I did, they’d see me.
“Mistakes happen, Damian. I get that. I’ve made plenty myself. But yours put my daughter’s life on the line.” My father’s voice sounded calm, which surprised me, considering what my mother had said.
“I will spend the rest of my life regretting that. It was never my intention to hurt Katie. She…completes me.”
Again silence dropped over the house. The sounds of cars driving by, dogs barking outside, the kitchen clock ticking filled my ears. I held my breath, listening to my heart pound against my ribs.
Finally, my father spoke. “I can see that. And I know she cares a lot about you.”
“I’m asking you, sir, for a second chance. Please.”
“I appreciate you coming over here, Damian, and talking with me. That took a lot of courage.” He paused for a moment as if pondering what to say next. “I’m willing to give you that second shot…on a probationary period.”
I let out my breath slowly. My feet moved me down a few steps on their own.
“Thank you, sir.”
“And, of course, pending what Kate wants. Show me I’m not making a mistake.”
That was my open door, and I didn’t hesitate. Descending the last three steps, I made myself visible to the two men I loved more than anything.
Damian’s eyes cut to me. He stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jeans then bowed his head. My stare didn’t budge from him.
I felt Dad’s hand on my shoulder.
“It’s up to you, Katie,” he said. He bent down and kissed my cheek before leaving the room.
I stood three feet away from Damian. His chestnut hair was disheveled, and his shirt appeared as though he’d run home from the hospital long enough to grab it off his bedroom floor.
Standing there with him, listening to him breathe, a mixture of longing and fear slowly replaced my anger. I swallowed.
I didn’t want to speak first, and after a few seconds of silence, I didn’t have to.
“Katie,” Damian murmured, his lashes hiding the splash of blue beneath them. “I…I let you down, and I’m sorry.” He swallowed as water brimmed over his irises, making them glisten. “Please, give me another chance. I swear I won’t let you down again.”
Neither of us moved. Alone in my room, I’d forgiven him. All I wanted—no—all I needed was to be secure in his arms. I needed him to wash away my fear, tell me everything would be okay.
I held up his journal, digging my fingers into the leather. His eyes shifted to it, the color draining from his face.
“Is it true?” I asked unnecessarily.
He squirmed a little. His jaw trembled, but he finally met my gaze.
“Every last word.”
I moved closer and tilted his chin so I could peer into his eyes. The pain and regret behind them almost made my heart stop. A tear escaped, and it was mine, falling down my own cheek. Damian raised his hand to wipe it away, but I grabbed his wrist before he could touch me.
His shoulders slumped in defeat. He blinked and let out a sigh. “Katie, I never meant to hurt you. It kills me to…”
He trailed off as I laced my fingers in his.
“Kate?” The shock in his voice made me hesitate a second.
Rising to my tip-toes and folding my other arm around his neck, pulling him down to me, I kissed him. It took a few seconds before he returned the kiss, but when he did, he let go of my hand and tightened his arms around me.
From somewhere behind us, I heard my father’s hum, then it disappeared with his footsteps as he retreated down the hall.
When Damian let go, he wiped the tear away. He placed his chin on my head and crushed me into his chest.
“Shhh,” he said, slipping my hat off and gliding his hand over my bald head. “Oh, baby, I’ve got you. I’m so sorry.”
He held me until I let go.
“I should’ve told you,” I said, looking at him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—”
Damian shook his head. “No, Katie. What I did isn’t your fault. It’s the stupidest shit I’ve ever done. The pain I thought it would drown out was only made worse. I swear to you, it’s never happened before, and it won’t happen again.”
I cupped his face in my palms. “I thought you were dead.”
“Yeah, I thought I was too.”
“I love you.”
His dimples deepened. “Ditto.”
He leaned down and kissed me, confirming his words.
~*~
Nestled together on the sofa, cuddled up in Damian’s embrace, I felt safe for the first time since Dr. Lowell had told me the news. Damian and I held no more secrets from each other. A thousand pounds had been lifted from my shoulders.
“What about the new drug?” Damian asked after I admitted I’d overhead his conversation with his father. “When does it start?”
With my head on his chest, I was happy he couldn’t see my face. I bit my lip.
“Katie?” he asked when I didn’t answer.
I opened my eyes and tightened his arms around me. “I don’t know,” I mumbled.
Damian cleared his throat. “What do you mean?”
I couldn’t look at him. “I haven’t decided yet…uh, if I want to do it.”
He tensed under me. His chest rose slowly before it fell again. “Why wouldn’t you do it? What other option is there?”
“Well,” I started. “There’s always the transplant, and if—”
“Katie, there’s no guarantee a donor will be found.” He inhaled and clutched a handful of my shirt. “Without anything, you only have…”
I swallowed. “I know that.” Loosening his arms, I sat up and straddled him. The suffering in his eyes was exactly what I’d wanted to avoid by not telling him. At the sight, my heart broke a little. How could I do this to him?
“The drug is still an option,” I said, watching my fingers toy with the buttons on his shirt. “I’m just not sure if I can do it.”
Damian’s hands flew to mine, stopping them from fidgeting. He held them tightly against his chest.
“You’re so strong, Katie. You can do it. I know you can.”
I fought back the tears as I shook my head. “I researched the study. Damian, the side effects are, well, I’ll be sicker than I ever have been before. And for what? A miniscule chance that it will work? I don’t know…I’m scared.” I raised my eyes to meet his as I said the last two words. Ever since I was a kid, I’d never admitted the fear. My diary knew, of course, but only I read it.
Holding my hands, Damian pulled me down on top of him. I snuggled into his neck as he traced his fingers down my back.
“I am too,” he whispered. “I am too.”
~*~
Due to Damian’s new probation period at our house, Dad ushered him out at nine o’clock—way too early. Neither of us complained, though. We got lucky since my dad thought Damian had to be rushed to the hospital for alcohol poisoning, not the other thing. And I didn’t exactly correct him.
Damian kissed me goodnight at the side door. When his lips parted and he caressed his tongue over mine, the familiar sensation of longing I had in the bedroom overwhelmed me.
“Here,” I said, handing him his journal.
Damian sucked in his lower lip as he took it. “Thanks for reading it.”
I touched his cheek and forced a smile.
After saying goodbye, I raced to my room and sat in my window seat so I could see him drive away. Cracking the window, I heard Damian with my father outside.
“I don’t understand why she won’t take the experimental drug, Mr. Browdy.”
A few seconds passed before Dad spoke. “You have to understand, Kate’s tired. She’s been through this for over seven years of her life, and it’s not easy on her body or her psyche.”
“Don’t you want her to do it?”
My dad was quick to answer. “Of course we want her to try it. Marcy and I are spectators, though. Kate has to suffer the treatments, not us. We hurt with her, but on a different level. Like you do.
“You see, chemo, radiation, medications—they serve their purpose. But they can only take her so far if she’s too exhausted. Her mentality has just as much of a healing effect as the treatments themselves.”
I shivered as the breeze wafted through the window. Dad’s and Damian’s voices carried on the wind. The truth of my fathers’ words stung.
“You’re saying the new drug won’t work if she’s too tired to fight.”
“Yes, it’s her job to fight this thing. It’s our job to support her, no matter what she decides. We can’t make this choice for her. As a part of this family now, Damian, I hope you agree. Love her. Support her. Encourage her when she needs it.”
A part of this family. Wow.
“Yes, sir. But what if she chooses to wait? I don’t want her to give up.”
“Hmm.” Dad shuffled his feet on the driveway. “You know, sometimes, what might seem like giving up is when we’re in the midst of the toughest battle we’ll ever face. Kate’s a fighter. She’ll keep fighting to the end.”