January 31
Dear Diary
For once, I want to be a regular seventeen-year-old girl. I don’t want to think about cancer or treatments or donors or…yeah. I want my biggest worries to be things like the upcoming history exam I forgot to study for, and why my boyfriend hasn’t asked me to the Valentine’s dance yet, and whether or not the principal and the new music teacher really did it on the sofa in the counselor’s office.
So I laughed at the look on Damian’s face when I said I had school tomorrow. It was so adorable the way he raised one eyebrow and curled his upper lip. I’m not sure if he understands my reasons.
I also told him he has to go back too, and that I fully expect to see him walk across the podium in May and receive his diploma. He made a cute grunting noise but agreed—eventually.
Mom and Dad are trying to act normal. “Trying” being a loose term. In the desk drawer, I found a note Mom wrote listing all of my favorite meals, desserts, and restaurants. Gotta love her, I think that’s her grocery list for the next few months. I wonder what Dad will think about fried chicken gizzards for dinner more than once a year? Sorry, Dad.
Dad allows Damian to stay as long as he wants, which of course means all night. We slept on the living room sofa last night, and when Damian’s cell phone alarm went off, he, Dad, and I ate breakfast together before heading off for work and school.
Ah, life is perfect!
~*~
“How was your day?” Damian asked. He sat beside me at the kitchen table with what he liked to call a snack.
“That sandwich is like two feet tall,” I said, scrunching my nose.
“Wanna bite?”
“I’m not sure how that’s even possible.”
Damian waggled his eyebrows and stuffed the food into his mouth. “Anything’s possible.”
“Apparently.” I took a sip of my protein shake. “School was good. There’s a new girl who got assigned as my new lab partner. She seems nice.”
“Seems nice?”
I sighed, resting my chin on a fist. “She sat beside me the whole class, but we worked the lab separately. I’m not sure she even noticed I was there. When I said good-bye after class, she didn’t even look at me.”
Damian’s hand rubbed my back. “They just don’t know what to say.”
“Something is better than nothing.”
“It’s hard to sympathize when you can’t relate.”
I buried my head into my elbow. “That’s the thing! I don’t want their sympathy. I just want to not be invisible.”
Damian’s finger glided over my temple. “I see you. And I’m sure they do, too.”
“I guess I just thought…” I let my sentence trail off.
“Thought what?”
“…thought that after my decision, I’d feel like one of them—be one of them.” My eyes met his, and I bit my lip. “I could be normal.”
Damian chuckled. “Normal is overrated. Besides, invisible is totally in this season, I hear.”
I laughed.
“Come on,” he said. “I need help with Trig, so finish that impossibly delicious smoothie.”
I dipped my straw into the pink slush and licked it off. “I thought you said anything is possible?”
He took another large bite out of his sandwich. “Yeah, anything except that atrocity tasting decent.”
~*~
Damian and I were watching a movie in the living room when my head began to pound. Unbearable pain squeezed in on me from all sides. I dug my head into Damian’s shirt and cried out.
“I’ve got you,” Damian whispered as he carried me to my room.
A set of footsteps followed, their heaviness reminded me of my dad. I glimpsed the sky outside the window and realized it was already dark. Carefully, Damian laid me in my bed. My hands shook as I tried to pull the blankets up over me.
“I’ve got it, Katie,” Damian said. “Go to sleep. I’ll be right here.”
I rolled onto my side and closed my eyes, feeling the warmth of the comforter surround me.
A chair slid up next to my bed. The bed sank a little as Damian rested his head on his fist. The bed sank even lower at the end.
“She’ll have more of these days.” Dad’s gentle voice sounded soothing.
“I don’t want to lose her, Mr. Browdy.”
“Call me Jason.”
“How do you do it? Remain so calm?”
My dad sighed. “Practice, I guess. When she was in kindergarten, she fell off the monkey bars. Instead of having the school call Marcy, Kate wanted me. She’ll always be my little girl. I never thought I’d lose her to leukemia.” He paused. “Now with you, I’m happy I haven’t.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I knew someday my Katie would find a man who loves her as much I do. That’s how I always imagined I’d lose her.” My dad’s voice cracked. Then the bed lightened.
I opened one lid to see my father pat Damian on the shoulder.
“Take good care of her, son.”
Damian glanced at him. “I will, sir.”
Dad nodded then closed the door behind him.
~*~
When I woke up around noon the next day, Damian was gone. I tried to sit up, but my head felt like it had welded itself to the mattress. Grabbing hold of the side of the bed, I forced myself up. Damian’s clothes from the day before lay in a pile on my bedroom floor.
My vision blurred, and I fumbled for my blanket, collapsing back on the pillow. As my eyelids closed, I imagined Damian beside me.
~*~
Damian crawled into bed next to me, waking me up. Feeling his arms fold around me, I moaned softly. He felt so right cuddled up behind me.
“Hey, beautiful,” he said, kissing my neck.
“Where’d you go?”
He chuckled. “School, as per your request. Then home to pick up some stuff.”
“Hmmm,” I murmured. “You smell good.”
Damian held me closer. “How do you feel?”
I thought for a second. “Surprisingly good.”
His lips pressed against mine. “Awesome.”
He swung his legs over the side of my bed. I propped my head up on my elbow and studied him curiously. A large suitcase lay on the floor. Damian set it on my bed and unzipped it.
He winked at me, a dimple suddenly appearing on his cheek. “Care to help?”
I scrunched up my nose in confusion. “What are you doing?”
“Unpacking.”
Sitting up, I crossed my legs on top of the comforter. I opened my mouth to speak, but when nothing came out, I closed it.
What is going on?
He took out a few pairs of jeans from the suitcase, stacking them in a pile on my bed. Beside those, he dug out some wrinkled t-shirts and attempted to fold them. I cringed as he gave up and rolled them around his arm, dumping them in a clump beside the jeans.
“Hangers in the closet?” he asked, holding a few pullovers. He nodded toward the tri-fold doors.
Stunned, I fumbled for words. “Uh…yeah.”
With his back turned, I scooped up the slew of crumpled tees and folded them properly.
When he got back to the bed, he noticed the perfectly folded pile and laughed.
“OCD,” I mumbled. “Um, so what exactly—”
“Do you have any empty drawers?”
My eyebrows rose. “Uh, girl?” I said, pointing to myself.
“Right.” He suppressed a grin. “Can I empty one?”
“Uh…um.” I slid off the bed and made it to my dresser easily. The bottom drawer contained work-out clothes I never wore, so I arranged them nicely in the same drawer as my pajamas.
“Thanks.” Damian smirked, holding his t-shirts and jeans.
When he got close, I stepped in front of the dresser and held my arms out.
“Not until you tell me why you’re moving in.”
The smile on Damian’s face exposed his dimples. It almost made my heart stop. He dropped his armload on the floor and tucked his arms under mine. Kissing me, he picked me up and fell on top of me on the bed.
His lips worked their way from my mouth to my neck. “I’m all in, Katie. I get to fall asleep every night with you. And wake up every morning to your bad breath and your beautiful eyes staring back at me.”
I clamped my hands over my mouth. “Bad breath? Really?”
He sucked my earlobe into his mouth. “Very bad.” He took a hold of my wrists, moving them to my sides, and he kissed me full on the lips.
“I don’t know if my parents—”
“Shhh.” He covered his mouth over mine again, making me forget what I was saying.
“Didn’t you hear what I said? I get to fall…”
~*~
Damian became a permanent fixture in our home. He woke up beside me every morning, sometimes early enough to watch the sunrise with me. We brushed our teeth together in the bathroom before heading down to breakfast. Because our schools were too far apart, I had to drive myself, much to Damian’s disappointment.
So far, though, Damian had just held me in bed, careful to not let it go too far. Did he think I’d break if he went further? I gave him some subtle hints, but either he didn’t understand them, or he still didn’t want me like that.
After school, I went home, and three days a week Damian met me there. He’d cut down on volunteering at the hospital to two days—the days Brennan received his treatments. Sometimes I joined him, but I had to wear a medical mask. I played video games and caught up with Leslie and Tammy.
The time spent with Brennan and his new friend always made me laugh. Watching them play and seeing the glow in their eyes brightened my day.
With Leslie and Tammy, however, I felt different. They tried to hide their sadness behind fake smiles and cheerful voices. Leslie would reminisce about my initial treatments, then a distant look would cross her face, and she’d suddenly remember something she needed to do for a patient.
Damian took cover-up cues from Leslie when I asked about visiting the cemetery. He did just as well as she did being totally obvious. Two weeks had passed, and he still hadn’t taken any initiative. He seemed to have a bag full of excuses: It’s too cold. I have lots of homework. You were sick yesterday, today you should rest. Maybe after Valentine’s Day.
On February 14th, Damian sent me a dozen red roses to school. On the card, he’d scribbled the words ‘I LOVE YOU.’ That evening, a limo picked us up and took us to a restaurant downtown. Afterwards, we saw an off-Broadway show.
I was too busy kissing the dimples on Damian’s cheeks to notice where we were until Mr. Dempsey opened the door to let us out. When I stepped onto the snowy driveway, the Lowells’ house stood before me in all its winter beauty.
I glanced sideways at Damian. “What are we …”
“You’re staying with me tonight,” he said, unable to contain his grin.
“I…my stuff…I…”
“You think too much. I packed your bag yesterday. It’s already in the house.”
“But”
Damian cut me off with a tug of the hand. “Come on.”
His eyes blazed, much like they had the night of our Christmas date. The fireplace in the den burned, illuminating the make-shift bed on the floor.
“Your bag’s over there.” He nodded to the corner. “I’ll let you get changed.” Then he added matter-of-factly, “It’s just us tonight. I’ll be right back.”
I froze, speechless.
Just us?
I jerked my head toward the foyer, staring at Damian’s back as he ascended the staircase. Once in his room, I scanned the den, taking it in. The curtains were drawn, and Damian’s black comforter covered the space on the floor. Pillows lined the perimeter of our bed. Suddenly, my mouth went dry.
Glancing back up at the empty doorway, my heart raced. We were alone. All night.
I stood, motionless, in the middle of the room. Jumbled thoughts flashed through my head in steady spurts. Was tonight the night? Did I want it to be? Oh no—what if it ended like last time?
I buried my face in my palms, taking a deep breath.
Calm down, Kate. Things are different now.
My heart raced. I grabbed my bag and unzipped it, trying not to think. Shuffling through some jeans and shirts, I choked on a giggle when I found a clean pair of underwear and a matching bra. Apparently moving in with me had given him confidence to go through my drawers.
I changed into the cami and shorts he’d packed as pajamas and eased myself down in the middle of our bed, peering at the fire. Even though the heat flushed my cheeks, I was shivering.
When Damian cleared his throat, I swiveled to the doorway where he leaned up against the trim. He had on a pair of plaid lounge pants, not unlike what he usually wore to bed. Tonight, though, he seemed different. I swallowed, allowing my gaze to work its way up his body. He looked…wow!
He sauntered over saying nothing, his eyes piercing into me with such intensity that my heart sped up with every step he took. I rose to my knees, nervousness sweeping through me.
Damian reached for me and lowered me onto the pillows. On the way down, I realized my breaths were shooting out in uneven spurts. The beating of my own heart vibrated in my ears. Ah, this was so overwhelming! Still, my fingertips moved over his back, feeling the muscles rippling underneath.
Sinking lower into the stack of blankets under me, I automatically pushed back a lock of his hair. For some reason, this particular image burned into my memory. A smile graced his face, and despite the heat pouring from the fireplace, goose bumps rose on my arms.
What had I done to deserve this amazing moment?
Damian held himself up over me, kissing the tip of my nose, then my cheeks. I closed my eyes, more than anything longing for his lips to touch mine. Instead, he bent down and ran his tongue down my jaw line and onto my neck. Instinctively, I arched my back under him as he kissed the sweet spot under my ear.
I held my breath, waiting for the tingles rushing over me to slow. They never did.
His mouth finally found mine, sucking my upper lip into his, letting go and repeating it with my lower one.
“You’re so beautiful, Katie,” he moaned into me.
He said it with such softness.
I opened my eyes to study him.
In one motion, he glided a hand down my side and hooked it around my knee, lifting it. He slid his fingers up the inside of my thigh, making my breath hitch again, but then he paused halfway up. His grip tightened over my skin. Letting go, he tucked his arm under my back instead. My gaze flowed to the fire, remembering his hesitation the last time. This time, I didn’t want to be rejected.
I gasped when Damian nibbled on my neck.
Please don’t stop this time.
Damian’s hips pushed into mine, and the warmth cascading through my body made me shudder.
He toyed with one of my spaghetti straps, lowering it on my shoulder and kissing where it should be. His lips moved across the top of my chest, spreading tickles over my skin in their wake, before they moved back up to my throat. I whimpered and clung to him tighter, my insides turning to Jell-O.
Mixed emotions washed through me, blurring the lines of fear and desire until I no longer recognized them.
“Damian,” I heard myself say. “Please.”
He stopped, pursing his lips. “Ah, Katie.” He averted his gaze to the fire and drew his lower lip between his teeth.
My heart sank immediately.
“You don’t want me?”
“Oh, God, Katie. Yes, I want you. I want you so bad.”
I swallowed. “Then, why won’t you…”
“Because…” he paused, sighing. “I don’t want you to regret it.”
“I love you, Damian. I’ll never regret that.”
“You can still love me without…”
“I know.”
I don’t want to die a virgin.
With both hands, I pulled his face down to mine, kissing him with everything I had.
I needed to say it, not only for him, but so I could hear it out loud. “I want to.”
“Are you sure?” he said, breathless against my mouth.
“Yes.”
My answer was all he needed. His tongue separated my lips, entering. The way he pressed down over my waist with an eager grip created a whirlwind of need in my abdomen. When he reached the bottom hem, he lifted the camisole over my head.
Unlike last time, Damian didn’t hesitate. He kept moving over me, wanting more with each touch.
His eyes danced over my naked breasts before his hands, his lips, covered them.
Oh God!
I curved into him, needing him closer. My nails dug into his back as hunger took over.
Damian controlled me, and all I had to do was respond, which I did without premeditation. My body knew what I needed—it did it for me. With each caress, each taste, and each breathless moan, I clung tighter, wanting to melt into him—lose myself in him.
Over my clothes, his hand swept between my legs. Somehow still shocked at the intimacy of it, a small noise exited my throat. Damian let out a small chuckle before he did it again.
“Just wait till I get them off.” His breath tickled my ear, and I shivered at the thought.
Any nervousness I’d had from before evaporated in the heat of this moment. I’d never wanted him more. Just being close couldn’t quench the thirst.
I need all of him!
My hands found their way down his waist and over his hips, looping my thumbs under the waistband of his pants. He’d never felt so good.
My eyes met his. They shone in a way I’d never seen before. Usually they gleamed with a mixture of fear, sorrow, and hurt, but tonight his irises were a lighter shade of blue. Behind them, the last trace of the walls Damian had built seemed to be crashing down. Tonight, he let his guard down, showing me all of himself.
I touched his cheek, and he leaned into me. Seeing him so raw, so vulnerable, captivated me.
Damian kissed my palm, trailing down my arm. He sat up a little and slipped his hands under the elastic of my bottoms. I swallowed, fighting to keep my gaze locked on him. The fire in his eyes blazed with desire, but he kept it controlled. Along with my panties, he glided my shorts past my hips, tossing them behind us.
Fully exposed in front of him, my mind began to race. Insecurity crept in. How did I compare with the others?
With Ellie?
I squeezed my knees together, constrained, but Damian’s hold slid up my legs, separating them. The corners of his mouth curved slightly, revealing one of the dimples I loved so much.
His hands drifted all over me, leaving fresh trails of inexplicable warmth over my skin. I closed my eyes. Letting the past go, I allowed myself to stay in the present.
I held my breath when warm palms arrived at my inner thighs. His lips pressed against my stomach, and my eyes shot open as a finger slipped inside my folds. My abdomen ached with need, and I tensed with each motion, biting the inside of my cheek.
Satisfied, Damian let go, and sat up, shimmying out of his clothes. I clutched a fistful of pillow in my hands as he lowered himself over me, kissing my neck.
“Damian?”
“Yeah?” he breathed, making his way back up to my lips again.
“Will it hurt?”
Damian’s arms tucked themselves under me, holding me close. He said nothing for a few seconds, giving me my answer. “I’ll take care of you. I promise.”
Anticipation mixed with a sliver of fear made my insides tremble. I ran my fingertips over Damian’s back, attempting to quench the anxiety. His skin felt like silk.
“You okay?” he asked, bracing himself over me.
I swallowed and took a deep breath. My eyes met his. “Yeah.”
He leaned down and kissed my neck. I clung to him, my body tightening.
“Relax,” Damian said against my mouth.
At his request, my muscles obeyed.
“Good girl.”
He slid inside me, and I immediately clutched onto him. I tightened my thighs into his hips as the burning sensation consumed me. Wincing, I buried my face into his shoulder.
Damian stopped.
“Hey. You’ll be okay. I’ve got you.”
I bit my lip and closed my eyes. All I could think about was the pain.
Damian moved himself into me again, and this time, I whimpered.
Oh no! What does he think of me now?
“Katie.”
My lids opened at the sound of my name.
“Focus on me,” he murmured, pointing two fingers at his eyes.
I nodded, gazing up at him through my lashes. He rocked into me, slowly and cautiously. Each time, he paused before pushing himself forward. With each motion, the burn lessened, and his breaks became shorter until they were non-existent.
With the pain gone, I lifted my hips into him, eager to mold him into me. Damian moaned, kissing me harder, and I held onto him.
“Damn, you feel good.”
At that moment, my mind went fuzzy. Damian’s breathing increased, and I gasped as his body went rigid over me. He pushed into me one last time, sweat gathering at his hairline. His lids squeezed closed and when they opened, his irises seemed bluer.
He wrapped his arms under me, holding me tight. His face nestled in my neck. “Now you’re all mine, Katie. All mine.”
~*~
February 15
Dear Diary,
It kinda surprised me how easily Damian fell asleep afterwards. No matter how hard I try, I can’t. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself, but after tonight, I just…
I glanced at Damian. His chest rose and fell slowly, a soft snore escaping his throat. He shifted a little, wrapping the corner of a blanket in his arms. So peaceful.
Why? Why now? Why did Damian have to come into my life so late?
If it’s possible, I love him more today than yesterday. I gave him all of me, and I don’t want myself back. I’m his for always.
I just wish “always” lasted longer.
I cuddled up beside him, needing to be as close to him as possible. Finally, I drifted off to sleep.
~*~
Damian was already awake when I opened my eyes. His fingertips glided over my bare back, and my heart did a little twirl.
“You all right?”
Honestly, I felt more sore than I had the night before. But I nodded anyway. “Mmm-hmm.”
Damian looked at me sideways.
I sighed. “Um.” I squirmed under the sheet, squeezing my thighs together.
Kissing me, Damian smirked. “I’ll be right back.”
His naked body rose from the bed and walked out of the room. I averted my eyes, but caught a quick peek of his back side as he left the room.
When he returned, he had a towel wrapped around his waist, a glass of water in one hand and two white pills in the other.
“Tylenol,” he said.
I swallowed them both in one gulp. “Thanks.”
“It’ll be better next time.” He lay back beside me. “Come here.”
Next time?
My heart skipped a beat at his promise, and I smiled to myself.
With an arm under me, he held me close, and I took a few breaths to slow my heart. After a few minutes, I relaxed into him and folded my arm around his stomach.
I kissed his chest on top of the cross tattoo. Staring at it, I propped my head up on my elbow and traced the weaving lines with my index finger. I felt Damian’s eyes on me.
“What does this mean?” I asked, still gliding my fingers over the black ink.
“My mother was Irish. Her faith in God meant everything to her. After she died, Dad went through the house and boxed up anything that reminded him of her. So I did this.”
“What about the other one?”
Damian turned his body a little. Also in black, two interlocking shapes that formed one large triangle was inked into his bicep.
“For Liam,” he said. “It means ‘brotherhood.’”
Just as I had with the cross, I ran my fingers over Liam’s memorial. “When are we going to go visit?”
He paused. “On Saturday.”