Numbness consumes me during dinner. People come up to me, hug me, and tell me how sorry they are. I nod and thank them, but I don’t care. They didn’t know her like I did. Everything I ever loved is being lowered into the ground at the next sunrise.
I kiss Marcy on the cheek and tell her I’ll see her in the morning. Kate’s dad embraces me; I still don’t feel any of it.
Kate’s face is everywhere, and all I want is to forget. How she made me feel. How she spoke to me. The way she looked at me. Her eyes haunt me, and when the numbness subsides, pain will replace it.
Heart. Wrenching. Pain.
And I can’t deal with it all over again.
I push open the front door of my house and drop my jacket on the floor. Yanking the tie, it releases from its knot, and I toss it on the floor too. I go into the kitchen, to the familiar cupboard. Not bothering with a glass, I grab a bottle of Jack Daniels and head to my room, tossing the cap as I walk.
The amber liquid burns my throat. I take another swig.
Heading to my bedroom, I see the door down the hall ajar. Anger pours into my bloodstream faster than the alcohol.
“Get the hell out of here!” I scream from the doorway of Liam’s room. Not I, not anyone, has been here in two years.
Ellie spins around. She’s clutching a picture frame to her chest.
I scan the room. It reminds me of Kate’s—everything’s in its place.
“What the fuck are you doing?” I say, glaring at her.
“Damian, I heard. I’m so sorry,” she says and bows her head, that long blonde hair covering her face.
Fuck you.
I take another drink. “Is that what you came here for?”
A teardrops down her face, but I couldn’t care less. “I miss him. Here, I feel close to him,” she says. “It’s…it’s been awhile.”
“Two fucking years,” I mumble, tipping the bottle to my mouth.
“Actually,” she says, “after you’d fall asleep, I’d come in here and sit.”
I laugh. “Well, aren’t you the perfect goddamn girlfriend.”
She stares the floor. “I’m leaving tomorrow.”
“Bye,” I clip out, annoyed.
“I’m, uh, transferring to Florida State to study marine biology.”
“Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.” I take another drink.
She steps toward me. I keep my eyes fixed on her, forcing more whisky down my throat. She’s studying me. Pitying me. I swallow another gulp of liquid. The alcohol isn’t working fast enough.
Ellie’s directly in front of me now. She smells so sweet, like vanilla lotion, her favorite. Pressing her lips into a straight line, she wraps her arms around my neck. I consider taking a step back, but her hold is too familiar.
“I’m sorry, Damian. I really am,” she says.
I close my eyes and breathe her in, barely hearing her. Her silky hair tickles my cheek, and I realize that the alcohol just isn’t enough.
I dip my head down to kiss her neck, intentionally avoiding the spot under her ear. She tenses but doesn’t say anything. I slip a hand under her shirt, gliding my fingers up her spine.
“Damian,” she says, trying to pull away. “I don’t think—”
“Exactly. Don’t think.” I unhook her bra, pressing my palm into her back.
“Damian, you just lost K—”
I swing her around, pinning her against the wall. “Don’t fucking say her name,” I yell. One of Liam’s trophies falls from shelf at the force. I slam a fist to the wall by her head, and Jack splashes over my arm. Ellie winces and jerks her head to the side.
“I’m sorry…I—” she mutters, her voice so small.
The fear in her eyes subdues me, and I sigh. “I just want to forget, Ellie. For one fucking night, I just want to forget.”
She faces me, the fear fading away.
“You remember,” I remind her. “You, of all people, understand. This looks pretty fucking familiar to you, doesn’t it?”
She bites her lip and glances to the bottle in my hand—the only difference from the night of Liam’s funeral.
“You wanted to forget too,” I say, cupping a breast.
She lifts her eyes to me again, and I can see her breaking. I take another drink before she grabs the bottle from my hand and sets it on Liam’s dresser.
“It won’t make it better,” she says. “Or easier.”
“I have nothing to lose.”
She doesn’t say anything for a few moments, glancing around the room. When she returns to me, her gaze is hard.
“Not in here,” she says, placing the picture of her and Liam on the dresser beside my bottle of whisky.
“Fine,” I say, grabbing her hand, and slamming Liam’s bedroom door behind us.
As soon as we enter my room, I throw her up against the closet doors, kissing her mouth but not like I mean it. I don’t love her. She doesn’t love me.
I hook her leg over my hip and yank her shirt over her head. With her bra straps hanging off her elbows, she starts unbuttoning my shirt. Kate’s fingers doing the same thing flashes in my mind, and I grab Ellie’s wrists.
I take off my own shirts, then press myself harder against Ellie, my mouth moving over her breasts. She lets her bra drop to the floor and digs her nails into my shoulders. I suck her lower lip into my mouth and cringe. Ellie doesn’t taste like strawberries.
Suck it up, asswipe.
Waves of hair spill over her shoulders. I’d forgotten what a girl’s hair felt like in my fingers. I push it away, hating it.
I jerk open her jeans, and she shimmies out of them, kicking them across the room. Then she unfastens my pants and pushes them down over my ankles. I like that she’s quick and gets to the point. My hands grab at the back of her thighs, lifting. She gives a little hop, and I wrap both of her legs around my hips, pushing her harder into the closet doors. I’m not careful with her.
Her fingers weave into my hair, but not with Kate’s tenderness. Ellie’s not being gentle either. I puff out a snicker, happy about the difference.
When I push myself inside her, Ellie cries out. Her voice is so damn experienced; she knows what I like. A lump forms in my throat. I ache for the bottle of whisky to wash it down. I ignore it and turn us around so that I fall on top of Ellie on my bed.
Her moans don’t excite me like Kate’s. Tonight, Ellie’s are just unnecessary noise. I try to drown her out. When I realize it’s not working, I crush my mouth on hers to stifle the sound.
Come on, man! Just fuck her and forget.
Her thighs squeeze me tighter, and she pushes her hips into mine. I hear myself gasp. God, I hope Kate’s memory erases itself from my mind. I close my eyes and see her hazel ones staring back at me.
“Katie,” I breathe. “Oh, Katie.”
My words won’t faze Ellie, and I wouldn’t give a shit if they did. I’m sure she remembers her own cries that night and the many nights afterward, until they finally ceased, fading to nothing more than Liam’s ghost.
Ellie squeezes my biceps, her hand covering the tattoo reminder of Liam. I don’t know if that’s why she always grabs me there. It probably is. She was with me when I got it. Her identical one, only smaller, is on her hip. She hit me once for kissing it.
Ellie’s moans grow louder, forcing me to realize it’s almost over, and Kate’s memory only increases. In my head, her arms fold around me, pressing herself into me as she comes. So different than this reality with Ellie’s arms above her head, grasping the sheets.
Kate’s voice smashes into me. “Will it hurt?”
“I’ll take care of you,” I’d said.“I promise.”
Tears blur my vision as I cry out Kate’s name a last time. Ellie reaches for me, but I don’t want her sympathy. I roll to my side, allowing the guilt to take over. Maybe this was what I wanted; to feel more pain. Be reminded that Kate’s gone, and that I never deserved her love.
Ellie wraps her arms around me and leans her head against my back. I let her because I don’t have the energy to shove her off. Like I did for her, she’ll stay. She’ll rub my arms in compassionate circles until I cry myself to sleep.
~*~
I wake up to my cell phone alarm at four in the morning. Rubbing the dried tears from my eyes, I find Ellie still asleep beside me. Seeing her there makes my stomach hurt. She’d been right; last night hadn’t made anything easier.
I get up and head to the shower. The hot water rolls over my shoulders and down my back, leaving my skin red. When I step out, I don’t feel better. I drop to my knees and throw up in the toilet.
Clouds of steam fill my bedroom when I open the door. Ellie is putting on her jeans and pauses to look at me. She stands and walks over, wraps her arms around my neck like she did the night before.
“Letting someone go doesn’t mean you forget them,” she murmurs. “It means you love from here and move on with your life like they would have wanted.”
She kisses me on the cheek. “Good-bye, Damian.”
I don’t watch her leave. Instead, I throw on a pair of khakis and the blue polo Kate loved so much, and get in my car.
Holding back the burning in my chest takes everything—which isn’t much. I turn into the cemetery and see Kate’s parents already here. They look weary but are holding it together. Better than I am.
I park behind their car and walk to the tent. Jason is speaking with the minister. He pauses to nod at me. Marcy hugs me to her and leans on my shoulder. Words can’t comfort me, so I figure none can comfort her either. It’s quiet, like sound-proof walls have popped up around us.
People slowly arrive. Kate’s golf coach pats me on the back and thanks me for my help with Katie. I fake a smile. The last thing I need is someone fucking thanking me for loving her. It should be the other way around.
Tammy and Leslie stand under the tent with my father. Brennan and his mother are in front of them. Leslie’s hands rest on the boy’s shoulders. Other people, Kate’s extended family, I think, fill in the gaps.
Just as the sun begins to rise, the pastor recites the same words from my mother and Liam’s funeral. “Forasmuch as it hath pleased Almighty God of his great mercy to take unto himself the soul of our dear sister here departed, we therefore commit her body to the ground; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust; insure and certain hope of the Resurrection to eternal life, through our Lord Jesus Christ; who shall change our vile body, that it may be like unto his glorious body, according to the mighty working, whereby he is able to subdue all things to himself.”
I look to the west and close my eyes as Kate used to do. Holding my breath, I think of sitting with her at her window.
I hear her sweet voice in my ear as if she’s standing beside me. “It’s amazing, isn’t it?” she says. “No matter how dark it gets, the sun always rises and starts a new day. The darkness is forgotten.”
As the morning rays filter in, I feel her all around me like she’s reaching down from above. But when I open my eyes, it all fades away. Before me is a blue vault, and Kate’s shiny white casket.
The pain rushes over me, and I lose my balance. My father’s hands grab me from behind, helping me hold it together. I roll into him and bury my face in his chest. Grabbing a hold of his shirt in the back, I clench my hands as hard as I can.
I feel hands patting my back as people begin to leave. My dad thanks them, but I don’t let go of him until small arms fold around my waist. I peer down and see Brennan’s bloodshot eyes staring back at me.
Kneeling down, I pull him into my arms. He coughs through a sob and lays his head against me.
“I miss her,” he says.
“I do too, buddy,” I say. “I do too.”
We stay in our embrace until his mother pats him on the shoulder. He wipes his face with the back of his hand and sniffles.
“I’ll send you a picture from Disney World,” he says. “Kate made me promise I would.”
I push my fist into my mouth, fighting to not break down. Through the stab in my gut, I smile. I love that Katie gave the tickets to Brennan; she was amazing like that. “Send me one with you and Mickey Mouse, okay? Have a good trip, buddy.”
Leslie hugs me next. “You take care of yourself,” she says. “You were good for her.”
I scoff. “I don’t know about that.”
“You were good for each other,” she says, a soft grin playing on her lips. “Don’t be a stranger.”
I wait until the cemetery is empty, even after the Browdys leave. My father stays with me.
“You can go, Dad,” I say. “I know you need to get to work. I’ll be fine.”
He shakes his head and squeezes my shoulders. “There’s only one place I need to be today.”
I take three roses from the heart wreath and place one of them on my mother’s headstone and another on Liam’s. Then Dad and I sit under the elder tree and watch the funeral home people take down the tent. I twirl the third rose between my fingers.
He hugs me to his side as I lose it. Kate’s casket is lowered into the vault and placed in the ground. I watch, shaking, until the dirt is put back in place and the remnants of the flowers are set on top of the fresh pile.
The workers nod to me and Dad before they walk away. I stand and brush off my pants, the tears running dry. Picking up the rose, I press the petals to my lips, just as I did yesterday.
“I love you, Katie,” I say.
I drop the rose on her grave, and Dad leads me to my car.
~*~
Back home, Dad offers me lunch. I decline and head to my room; I need to be alone.
Before I enter, I swing by Liam’s room. I don’t bother reminiscing, I don’t pause; I just grab the bottle of Jack Daniels and hurry out.
I slip off my shirt and take a long drink, enjoying the burn. My gaze wanders to the closet doors, and I have to look away.
It doesn’t take me long to reach the bottom of the bottle. Pissed that it emptied so quickly, I throw it against the wall.
Needing more to numb the pain, I run downstairs to the kitchen. Dad glances up from the counter and sighs. I know he smells the alcohol on me, but I don’t give a damn what he thinks. He didn’t stop me before.
I glare at him. “Old habits die hard, I guess.”
“You got something in the mail,” he says, flicking a white envelope down the granite.
I pick it up and open it without reading the return address. Only one sentence sinks in.
Your blood sample is 96% compatible to Kate Browdy.
I read the letter again. And again. And again.
A match. To Katie.
Dad stands behind me, reading over my shoulder and gasps. “Damian.”
I allow the letter to flutter to the floor, and I walk over to my favorite cupboard in a daze. Throwing the door open, empty shelves stare me down. A note is taped to one of the shelves in my dad’s handwriting.
I have a promise to keep for Kate, too.
“Oh, shit.”
Turning away, I narrow my gaze at my father. Then I run at him.