Tucker
I managed to keep myself busy while waiting for Friday to come so I could see Ryan again. I hadn’t been busy a single day since my accident, but now that I had something to look forward to, I was finding all kinds of things to do.
I wanted to clean my house first of all. Since Mom decided to cut me off from my family’s help, I would have to do it myself. I decided to split the work up over the few days I had left before seeing Ryan. It would help me exercise every day and keep me occupied with something other than him.
Well, I did get the work done and in doing so got some exercise, but I couldn’t say that my mind didn’t stray a time or two. I couldn’t help but think of Ryan and his delicious body.
Yeah, I had discovered that I liked to take breaks from limping around, and often found myself on my sofa imagining what it would be like to be with him again. And there were times my hand found itself exercising that part of me that needed relief.
I was fortunate that my family stocked my fridge and pantry. They did cut me off from the home-cooked meals, but they at least understood that driving was difficult for me right now—not to mention simply being out in public. So they gifted me with the means to feed myself with weekly groceries.
I wondered about the mysterious dog Ryan would pick out for my therapy. I had always wanted a dog, yet had no clue what kind I wanted. Big. Small. Purebred. Mutt. No clue. I guess Ryan and I would know the right dog when we met it.
It’d be nice to not be alone anymore. I would have a companion who didn’t judge me. And by companion, I meant the dog, of course… Though Ryan would make a great companion too, if he could stand me.
The pain in my leg came and went. I always had some kind of pain—but the deep searing fire hot pain—that pain came and went of its own volition. I never knew when it was going to strike, or how long it was going to stay.
The baseline pain was about a six on the pain chart doctors always ascribed for us to tell them just how bad off we were. The searing pain, however… Well, that was off the chart. In order to clean the house this week, I broke down and took some of the pain pills the doctors were always pushing on me. There was no way I would have been able to do the work otherwise.
I avoided taking pills as much as possible. Too many fellow football players I knew had a problem with them, and I didn’t want to darken the already dark path I was on. So, the pills were only for emergencies.
I worried that I would probably have to take them for my outing with Ryan. I knew it made me kinder when I took them. Pain and shame made me a monster, not that I was making excuses for myself.
I decided for that first outing I would take them, but after that, I would be on my own.
I soon found myself on the sofa again. The last of the chores I had concocted for myself were done. It felt good to have finally accomplished something, even something so ordinary.
I did it. It seemed to have perked me up a bit. I allowed myself one final Ryan fantasy. One for the road, so to speak. Tomorrow was the big day, after all, and I would need to keep myself in check.
I started reminiscing about one of our last heated moments together, before we decided I should focus on my career, when we were younger and naive.
We were at a park near the high school. There was a grove of trees we used to hang out under, far from prying eyes. We sat there side by side, secretly holding hands, looking out at the park. It felt like we were looking out at the world from where we were seated. It was a bittersweet moment, since we both knew it’d be our last.
I had accepted a football scholarship from a college known for turning college football players into professional stars. It was when I told Ryan about it that he suggested we go to the park and talk about the future.
I knew what that meant, and so did he. We had talked about my future many times in the past, and that if I got offered a football scholarship, we were going to have to end our relationship. We both dreaded that fateful day, and that fateful day came sooner than we had both expected.
So we sat there in silence for a bit. I remembered relishing the feel of his hand in mine. We eventually started making out, frantically, as if our lives depended on it.
Ryan started tearing up.
I did too.
I guess we had talked this subject out so many times in the past, that this ‘talk’ was different, just us physically saying goodbye to each other. There were no words, really. We stopped kissing and hugged each other hard, then he stood up and said, “I love you, Tucker. I will always love you. Have a beautiful life. Think of me from time to time. And know I’ll be thinking of you.”
Then he ran away, fast. I didn’t know he could run so fast. And I sat there like an idiot, watching my best friend and love of my life disappear from my view. I was never the same after that.