Chapter Thirteen

Sophie

“We slept in my bed,” I whispered after I’d opened my eyes in the morning and glanced around the room.

His arm snaked around my waist. “Lies. We barely slept.” Then he chuckled while my cheeks burned.

“I’ve never even lain in this bed,” I murmured. “Let’s not negate the importance of this moment.”

“Never.” Cam kissed my cheek, then hopped out of bed. “Bathroom. Then . . . I need to sleep. Real sleep. Not like the hours of what we did when we were supposed to be sleeping. You wore me out, kitten.”

I rolled onto my side and watched his naked butt while he wandered into the bathroom, then flopped onto my back again. Cam planned to go back to sleep, but I couldn’t. I’d lay here thinking of all the things I needed to be doing rather than accomplishing anything. My career was all on me. If I didn’t work, I had no career. With a sigh, I rolled out of bed as Cam returned to the room.

“You’re leaving?” He frowned as he climbed back under the covers.

“Yeah. I’m going to shower, dress, and get to work. You sleep.” I shrugged and then grabbed my bathrobe from the foot of the bed. “Hey, when do you have to get back to work?”

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll let you know. Just take care of business, Soph. I’ll be here.” He held out his arms to me, and I walked into them, eager for his touch.

I could’ve lingered in his arms forever, but that would be completely counterproductive. “OK, I’m gonna shower now.” I pushed against his chest, and he released me, albeit reluctantly. Then he rolled away, and I knew he fully intended to fall asleep.

Tiptoeing into the bathroom, I rushed to get ready for the day. Normally, while completing such mindless tasks, my mind would be flooded with new ideas. Today . . . much like last night . . . nothing. I wandered out to the kitchen and hoped that some idea for my next video might come to me over hot chocolate. Pulling milk from the fridge, I measured enough to make a full twelve-ounce mug of the Starbucks packets and started the gas stovetop. I stirred and stared, but nothing came to me. Pouring the hot chocolate into a mug, I added spray whipped cream, pulled on my shoes, threw on a jacket, and wandered outside with my drink.

Staring at the lake, on the few occasions I’d lingered long enough, had proved to be incredibly soothing. Yet even after I’d sat on the dock and finished my hot cocoa, I had no ideas. Completely frustrated, I suddenly remembered what Cam had suggested yesterday. “Go back to where it all began,” I mumbled. Standing tall, I walked back to the house, set my mug in the sink, and made my way to the front door. My purse was there, but my cell phone was in the bedroom. I hadn’t even taken the time to check it today.

Cam was sound asleep as I unplugged my phone. He didn’t even stir when I kissed his cheek. As I grabbed my purse and wandered out the front door, I hesitated. Maybe I should leave him a note. Then I grinned. A text. When I opened my phone, I saw the notification. I had a message waiting for me from Cam. He must’ve sent it after I’d fallen asleep. “‘Life begins where fear ends,’ by Osho.”

With a groan, I strode over to the SUV. He was right. I needed to work through some of these fears, especially if I wanted to have the life I longed for with him. The meds and doctor appointment were a good start, but as mean as Katie had been the other day, she was right too. He’d want to go places, date, do something other than be holed up in my lake house, condo, or even my beach house on the coast. Taking a deep breath, I started the vehicle. I’d start by going to her parents’ house and picking up the notebooks I’d left there so many years ago. Then I’d surprise Cam with breakfast in bed and some mimosas.

I glanced in the rearview mirror only briefly as I drove away. It was time for me to focus on what I would say to the McAllisters. I’d practically been their second daughter while growing up. They’d known me ever since the day Katie walked over to me on the playground in second grade. She’d grabbed my hand, and when I’d started to tug it back, she’d stopped me. “We’re the prettiest ones in class,” she’d announced. “We should stick together.” I’d been so shocked at being thought of as pretty, it never occurred to me it was no basis for a friendship. Lately, however, I’d begun to question everything, especially our friendship.

The home I’d lived in every weekend for almost seven years was a quick twenty-five-minute drive from my place in Belmont. By the time I parked, I still had no idea what to say to them. I slowly made my way up the steps to the front door. Little had changed in the five years since I’d last been here. I rapped on the door and waited. The curtain in the side window moved, and I saw Mrs. McAllister’s eyes widen in surprise when I offered a slight wave.

The door flew open, and she squealed with delight. “Sophie Malloy, is that really you?” She shook her head in wonder as she wrapped me in a familiar hug.

“Yeah. Surprise.” I shrugged as I took a step back. “I’m sorry I haven’t been around,” I began weakly.

“Come in here right now. I want to know all about it.” Mrs. McAllister looped her arm through mine and dragged me into the kitchen. “Can I get you anything?”

“I just had a hot chocolate, but thank you for offering.” I smiled shyly.

“I can’t get over it. You’re all grown up.” She shook her head. “I don’t know why I’m surprised—the same thing happened to Katie—but you look amazing.”

I ran my hands through my still-damp curls. “I haven’t even put on makeup. I wasn’t sure I was actually going to leave the house.”

“Agoraphobia. I heard. Katie told me . . . everything.” She gripped my biceps. “I’m so glad you came to visit.” Her head tilted. “Or are you here for some other reason?”

“I’m here to see you, but I was hoping I could pick up a notebook I left here before we graduated. It has all these ideas for my business, and I’m stuck . . . so it would really help.” I bit my cheek while waiting for her response.

“You girls and your projects.” Mrs. McAllister chuckled. “How’s it going?”

“I’m doing all right,” I murmured modestly.

“Well, good.” She glanced at the clock. “I actually have an appointment. I’ll need to leave soon, but let me get you a bag so you can get your things.” She smiled and patted my arm as she wandered to the laundry room and soon reappeared with a paper bag from Earth Fare. “Go on up. Then come give me a hug before you leave. I’ve got to get my face together.” Mrs. McAllister took my hands in hers, ignoring the bag I was holding. “Bob is going to be so upset that he missed you.”

“Will you tell him hello from me?” I smiled. “I’ll be quick. I don’t want to make you late.” My heart was racing from this outpouring of emotion. Though I knew the McAllisters as well as my own parents, I felt completely overwhelmed. I never should’ve left Cam, but I wanted him to be so proud of me. So I jogged up the stairs and made a quick right into Katie’s room, determined to finish as rapidly as possible.

The last time I’d seen it, the notebook was in our drawer, the bottom one in her dresser, which we’d filled with all our most secret and prized possessions. When I tugged on it and saw the contents, I was flooded with memories. The scarlet bra was still in the Victoria’s Secret bag on top. The pain from the memories associated with it almost knocked the air from my lungs, and I immediately pushed it out of the way as if it were contaminated. Underneath, I found my notebook. Picking it up, I dropped it into the bag. Then I decided to rifle through the drawer to see if there was anything else I might need or want. I doubted Katie would mind. After all, she was the one who kept telling me to come get it.

The first few layers were old notes from boys. Then I spotted the spiral-bound notebook we had used as our joint journal where we’d laid out all our big plans for life. I glanced at it quickly before stuffing it back in the drawer. We’d made such a departure from the teens we once were, the words on the pages felt foreign to me. When I’d reached the bottom, I felt around in the back corners to make sure nothing had escaped my attention. As I did, I realized the entire bottom of the drawer shifted. With a frown, I unpacked everything so I could fix whatever I’d messed up. That’s when I discovered the drawer had a fake bottom. Part of me felt like I was snooping, but then I rationalized that this had always been our drawer. Whatever she was hiding had to be from her parents and not me, right? I held my breath as I pulled it out to explore the contents below.

The bottom was filled with notes of varying sizes, shapes, and colors. There were the football-shaped ones she’d passed in school on regular notebook paper. There were some folded sheets of loose leaf I ignored. The pretty pastel-colored ones on stationary I’d never seen before caught my attention. I picked one up. To C. J. From Kate. I frowned and started to open it.

“Did you find what you need, Sophie?” Mrs. McAllister called. Then I heard her footsteps on the stairs and panicked.

My deliberation was brief. I scooped up all the secrets from the drawer, tossed them in the bag, and then quickly replaced the false bottom and all the rest of the items. By the time she reached the landing, I was closing the drawer and smiled. “Sorry. Nostalgia.” I forced a laugh.

“I completely understand. Next time, come with Katie, and we’ll grab lunch or something.” Mrs. McAllister smiled warmly at me.

I nodded while hoping my heart rate would slow and return to normal. “I’d like that.” Taking a deep breath, I stood and lifted the bag. “Thank you for everything.”

Then I hugged her and left the house. I climbed into my vehicle and dropped the bag behind the driver’s seat. A growl from my tummy reminded me that I’d planned to pick up breakfast. Feeling calmer, I did a Google search and found a Waffle House near my lake cottage. I swallowed hard and placed the call for our order. The phone chimed while I was still speaking with a waitress. I didn’t think much of it because I was so focused on making sure our food was correct, but when I ended the call, I saw I had another text message. With a grin, I opened it. Cam had sent another inspirational quote. This time from Mark Twain: Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. I held the cell to my chest before starting the car and driving to the restaurant.

Mostly, I was lost in thought. Twenty minutes later, I pulled into the parking lot at Waffle House. The place was busier than I’d anticipated, and I realized it was a Saturday. Taking a deep breath, I forced myself out of the vehicle. “I can do this,” I whispered to myself. Then I kept repeating it in my head with every step as I trudged inside. I knew my eyes were wide with fear as I made my way to the register.

“Can I help you?” the man behind the counter asked with a smile.

“Order for Malloy. I called it in.” While he turned to find it, I pulled out my wallet. Soon my phone was ringing in my purse, but I couldn’t even check it since my hands were full, and I needed to pay attention. Already my hands were shaking slightly.

The man set my bag beside the register, and I passed him my bank card. “Are you OK?” His brow furrowed, and he remarked, “You’re shaking.”

“Just hunger,” I replied and forced a laugh.

“OK, then, let’s get you on your way.” He nodded, but I sensed he was unconvinced.

My purse began to vibrate again. I peeked and saw Cam’s name flash across the screen. “And he’s hungry too.” I pasted a smile on my face, knowing full well it never reached my eyes.

After signing the slip and sticking my card back in my wallet, I grabbed the food and practically raced out of the restaurant, nearly stumbling over people waiting near the door. “Sorry,” I mumbled, never meeting their gaze.

Once inside the car again, I started it and pushed in my CD. I’d recorded these soothing songs years ago. Every time I’d panicked when I was out in the world, playing it soothed me. I hadn’t needed it yesterday because . . . well, Cam. Now, while belting out “Sunrise” with Norah Jones, I began to feel calm all over again. By the time I reached the house and was singing “Put Your Records On” by Corinne Bailey Rae, I was a new woman. I smiled when I pulled into the driveway and saw Cam on the steps. He rushed to my car door and flung it open as soon as it was parked. “Hi.” I smiled at him, genuinely happy.

“Hi? Hi?” He shook his head. “I’ve been freaking out, Soph. And all you have to say is ‘hi’?”

I climbed out of the car and passed him the Waffle House bag. “I brought breakfast,” I mumbled weakly. Then I blew out a breath. “I thought you’d be proud of me.”

With his free hand, he crushed me to his chest. “I’m proud . . . Just . . . answer your phone, kitten.” He buried his face in my hair, and I could hear him inhaling the scent of my shampoo. “I haven’t recovered from the shoe store,” he murmured. “Give a guy a break. I love you. I’m bound to worry.”

My eyes widened, and I waited for him to take it back. Instead, he squeezed me harder. “You mean it?” I asked quietly, afraid I was giving him the option to take it back.

“Yes, I worry.” He chuckled.

I leaned back so I could see his face. “You know what I meant,” I grumbled as I narrowed my eyes at him.

For a second, I thought he was going to ignore me, but slowly, he nodded his head. “I do. And you don’t have to love me back or anything, but please be nice to me because now you know how easily you can hurt me.” Cam swallowed hard after speaking, then pressed his lips to my forehead. Finally he murmured, “Let’s go eat. Worry can burn a ton of calories.”

In silence, we walked back into the house. Together we laid out the food and sat on the stools at the counter. Every once in a while, I caught him looking at me like he needed reassurance I was really still here. His reaction to my absence was causing me pain in new and unexpected ways. “I’m sorry.” I turned on my seat to face him. He stuffed a bite of waffle in his mouth and chewed quietly while watching me. “I’m not used to having to answer to anyone or having anyone waiting on me. I’ve been on my own for over five years.” I blew out a breath. “I’ll try to be better because . . . I’m pretty sure I have those feelings for you too.” I swiveled and stared down at my plate while tears collected in my eyes, then spilled over and dripped onto my eggs.

“Kitten, you’ll ruin your food. Swallow that sadness, and have a bite of waffle. It tastes like hope and new beginnings.” He beamed as he leaned in and kissed my temple.

“And I thought it merely tasted like butter and maple syrup.” I swiped at my eyes and sniffled while I cut a piece off with my fork. I stuck it in my mouth and began to chew while he studied my reaction. I nodded a few times. “Yup, strong flavors of hope.” I chewed some more. “Ah, there’s the new beginnings.” I finished chewing and swallowed. “I think mine had hints of forever too.” I glanced at him from my peripheral vision.

Cam laughed. “I thought I picked up on that. I was obviously too afraid to mention it.”

I bit my cheek and nodded. “Well, few things in life are scarier than love and forever,” I admitted.

Taking a deep breath, Cam blurted out, “How about meeting the parents?”

I nearly choked on my hash browns. I pounded on my chest a few times, and when he reached out to slap my back, I coughed, then muttered, “I’m OK.”

“Are you sure about that?” His brow furrowed. “We don’t have to if you don’t want to, but Sundays are pretty much the family day around my parents’ house. My dad and I watch football. Mom joins in when she’s not making all the amazing football food. There’s usually a nacho bar and chicken wings. Sometimes she makes potato skins. We always have chips and dips.” He shrugged. “Suffice it to say, we watch the game and eat. Maybe a little drinking.” He pinched his fingers together for effect.

“Only if I can bring something,” I blurted out. I’m not sure which of us was more shocked. Cam sat back on his seat and leaned heavily on the counter, his brows peaked. “I guess you made it sound really fun,” I explained. “And if this is your thing to do with your family, I don’t want to keep you from it.” I hopped down from my stool and wandered over to the fridge. I continued to babble while I pulled out the orange juice and two flutes, and grabbed a bottle of sparkling wine from the counter. “Plus, you don’t have a car here, and if I’m going to have to drive you anyway, I might as well stay.” I poured the drinks while he watched.

“Do you want to meet my parents?” he asked carefully.

I licked my lips before responding. “I do, but I fear I’ll be a huge disappointment.” I pushed a flute toward him, then picked mine up and swallowed all the contents in one gulp. “Another?” I asked brightly.

Cam nodded slowly. “How could you ever be a disappointment?”

“Groundhogs are better at mingling with people than I am, and they come out only once a year. Of course, they also have only one fear.” I shook my head. “At least I’ve never been scared of my shadow,” I grumbled.

Sliding off the stool, he made his way around the island to stand behind me. He gently turned me to face him. “Oh, kitten, I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.” Cam forced my chin up. “You’re smart and beautiful and creative.” He punctuated his proclamation with a kiss. “You’re brave and stronger than you know. Look, you survived a trip to Waffle House. You didn’t even need me.” He laughed quietly, but I could read sadness in his eyes.

“You know, my parents used to tell me the best kinds of love were when you wanted each other but didn’t need each other, when you were strong enough to be two different people who really enjoyed being together.” I cupped his cheek and then traced his strong jaw. “They had that. They made me believe I could too. And I’m working really hard to achieve it.”

“You can. We can have that together. That’s why I’m making changes too.” He lifted my hands and brought my knuckles to his mouth so he could lightly kiss them.

My whole body tingled. Maybe it was the mimosa hitting me, or maybe it was the love that just seemed to seep out of his pores straight into me. All I knew was after years of being silent and alone, I wanted to be open with him. “Can we do something?” My heart raced. In some ways, this was scarier than sharing my body. Everything between us had me constantly one step closer to sharing my heart.

“Anything.” He smiled. “Whatever you’d like.”

“I’d like to work on some Pinterest boards with you.” I could feel my cheeks warm. “While I was driving, I started thinking about more than the s’mores. I started thinking about all the things I’d like us to do. The dates I’d like to have.” I swallowed my fear and focused on the joy that spending time with Cam brought me. “And I imagined of all the places I’d like us to go together, trips I’d like to take. The mere thought of pinning all these ideas made my heart feel full.”

His face brightened. “I’d love that. Where have you been already?”

I closed my eyes and shook my head. “Nowhere, but I’d like to go everywhere with you.”