CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Menace
Havoc yawns loudly from where he sits beside me in the driver’s seat. “Tired?” I rub my own eyes, having had a few late nights myself the past week.
“Exhausted man, I don’t know how you did this as a teenager, going to school.” He takes a drink of his coffee.
Even though it’s almost four in the afternoon, he’s still drinking java.
“Didn’t have a choice.” I shrug, nothing about what I did back then was special. No matter how many times people tell me it was amazing, I’ve never felt that way.
“No.” He shakes his head, a firm tone to his voice. “You say that shit all the time. That you didn’t have a choice. You had a choice, as evidenced by Caleb’s mom. When are you going to stop acting like you’ve been a martyr and just admit you’re a good man?”
Sighing, I push my head back against the leather seat. “I hate acting like what I did was some sort of sacrifice.”
“It was a sacrifice. Fuck, you’ve been responsible since you were sixteen years old.”
“Because I made a dumbass decision,” I argue. “Did I really know what it meant to have sex with no condom? Yes. Did I really realize what the consequences to my actions were? No. Thank God for my mom, because without her I’d be a totally different person and Caleb wouldn’t be who he is today. She saved me, but my dad? He never came around.” I clear my throat because this is hard to talk about. Hard to admit that I disappointed a man I looked up to so highly. “He could never get over the fact I fucked up so bad.”
“You never talk about him.” Havoc seems to realize this for the first time.
“He doesn’t deserve to be talked about. He and my mom are divorced, and they divorced because of the situation with Caleb. He never could seem to quite get over the fact I fucked up.”
“Wait, so let me get this straight. Not only does Caleb not have a mom, but he doesn’t have a grandfather, either?”
“Nope.” I take a drink of the bottle of water sitting next to me. “And to be honest, I’m okay with that. From the time my dad found out about Caleb, he was a mean bastard. Kept telling me I’d completely ruined my life. I’d end up married, depressed, and alone, begging my wife for sex or even for a little bit of affection. Now, as an adult, I can see that’s probably what happened to him. He and Mom were married eight months before I was born, so I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” I run my fingers through my hair.
“I think you broke the cycle with Caleb.” Havoc’s voice is dead serious. “He’s made it this far – he’s got the scholarship, a good head on his shoulders. It’s because you’re a good man who understands what his son needs. It’s what makes you a good cop, too. You listen, assess situations, and react accordingly. There’s never been a moment where I wonder where your head is, even when all that shit was going down with him a few months ago. You’re a good dad, Mason, but you’re a great man. The people in your life who’ve left you are the ones missing out, not the other way around. Those of us that have you here in our circle are lucky as hell.”
It means a lot to hear him say that, almost to the point that I become emotional. I’ve lived a lot of my life wondering when the other shoe will drop, when the next thing happens that makes me adjust my timeline. In all honesty, I’ve been doing that with Rina, too.
“You think Karina’s lucky?” I throw the sentence out there, not sure why. Maybe today I need some confirmation on what I’m doing right in my life. It’s not like Havoc and I need our egos stroked, but once in a while it’s nice to know we’re on the right track.
“Hell yeah. I can’t speak for how you treat her as the man in her life, but I’ve seen the two of you together a few times now. The way she smiles at you? You’ve got that on lock down, whether you know it or not, whether you really wanted it or not.”
“I wanted it, I want it,” I interrupt him. “But like I said, it’s hard to take shit at face value. I hear stuff. There’s other teachers at school who want her, she’s younger than I am. Caleb comes with me, and what woman her age wants a stepchild a few years younger than she is? I’m loaded with a shit ton of baggage.”
“We all are, Mason. Don’t act like you’re special.”
The chuckle that works its way past my throat is one I’ve needed to feel for a while. “Got it, I’m not a special snowflake.”
“We all got shit in our pasts, some worse than others, but fuck, dude. She’s into you. She loves your son, and I don’t think anyone can miss she loves you too. I know it’s hard for you to let things happen, I know it goes against every fiber of your being, but let this play out. Caleb leaves at the end of the school year. Then it’s just the two of you. It’s going to be important for you to have someone to share those lonely moments with, don’t blow it yet.”
“I’d rather not blow it period.”
“Then don’t.” Havoc grins over at me. “Just don’t. Tell her how you feel about her and move forward.”
“Because that worked so well with you?” I quirk my eyebrow at my friend.
“Leigh knows I love her,” he argues.
“She didn’t, not at first.”
“Exactly, I had to tell her, I had to show my feelings and let her know what was going on. Women aren’t mind readers, just like we aren’t. You’ve gotta let her in, Mason.”
“It’s hard,” I admit. “So hard to let anyone in. Even when I think I’m ready, and I tell myself I am, it’s hard. She’s coming over to the house now, she’s staying some nights. I just don’t know if I can let her realize how important she is to me.”
“You let me be your friend.”
He’s right, and he makes a good point. I let the MTF guys and their women into my life, and it has been amazing not only for me, but for Caleb too. I can only imagine what will happen if I let Rina in all the way. Something tells me it’ll be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, if I can just move past the fear.
Karina
“No, Caleb.” I laugh as he demolishes a potato with the knife he’s holding. “You have to cut it in quarters or strips, otherwise it won’t get done.”
“I don’t know if I’m completely cut out for this cooking thing,” he sighs. “I don’t know how Dad does it.”
He does it because he has to, and he does it because from what I can tell, he really only knows like five recipes well. “Mason’s a jack of all trades.”
Caleb makes a noise of affirmation in his throat. “Can I ask you a question, Kari?”
His voice is so serious, I’m not positive I want to know what the question is. “Are you gonna move in here when I’m gone?”
The knife I’m holding takes a sharp detour to the left. “I don’t know, Caleb, your dad and I haven’t really talked about it.”
“I mean, you stay here at least part of the week now. You have since I got sick.”
He’s right. Since the middle of February I’ve spent more time here than I have at my own house. The feeling has been mutual; anytime I’m invited over I pack a bag and typically don’t go home. With Mason not working a set shift, sometimes it’s the only way we can see one another throughout the week. “It’s something Mason and I will have to discuss, I just don’t know how to answer your question, Caleb.”
“I’m just sayin’.” He shrugs. “I’d be okay if you did. Hell, I’d be okay if you did tomorrow.”
“Thanks, Caleb. You’ll never know how much your approval means to me. But we’ll see what happens.”
“I’ve gotta go switch out the laundry, it’s my week.” He runs his hands under the faucet, cleaning off the residue from the food. “Be right back.”
I watch him as he leaves, before turning my attention back to the meal I’m cooking. I don’t hear Mason until he speaks.
“He’s right you know, you could move in here tomorrow, and I think we’d all be okay with it.”
My hand stops chopping the vegetables, but I don’t turn around, letting what he’s said to me sink in. “Are you sure?”
“It’s funny.” He walks over to one of the stools at the breakfast bar and has a seat. “I was just talking to Havoc today about what you mean to me. And I was explaining to him about I’m not sure how to put into words what those feelings are because you know we haven’t been together that long, but I know I feel strongly for you. It’s not easy for me to let people in, and it’s even harder for me to verbalize those feelings. Please understand what it means, me asking you to live here with me, with us.”
Not able to stay away from him any longer, I eat up the distance between us with sure-footed steps. When I reach him, I circle my arms around his neck. “I know exactly what you mean, big guy, and I feel the same way. I’d like to live here with the two of you.” I can’t believe I’m taking this step. “I don’t sleep as well without you anymore.”
He leans forward, resting his forehead on mine, eyes closed. “I don’t sleep so good without you anymore either.”
“It’ll be a few weeks before I can get moved in here. You understand, right? I gotta pack up all my shit.”
“I’ll help you,” he vows. “I don’t want us to be apart any longer than we need to be.”
“Then I’ll gladly accept your invitation. We’ll get to work on it tomorrow. After we sleep good, and have a meal that’s not grilled chicken.”
He laughs as I mention what he and Caleb eat more of than should be legal.
“What is it you’ve got going over there? It smells amazing.”
“Pot roast. I just put the veggies in, and I’m making cornbread. Should be done in about an hour.”
His stomach growls. “Gonna have to do extra miles tomorrow, but fuck it.”
“Yeah,” Caleb mimics as he comes into the kitchen with us. “When a woman cooks you a meal that smells this good? Fuck it all.”
I giggle, looking between the two of them. One thing I do know for sure? My life is going to be much fuller than it’s been in years, and I have these two men in front of me to thank for it.
Never before have I been so glad I picked Laurel Springs as my destination on that fateful day when I decided to leave Philly.