CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Karina
Beginning of June
Months ago when I accepted a request for a message from Mason Harrison on the dating app I’d recently signed up for; I couldn’t have imagined this was where I’d be. Standing in his driveway, fighting to hold back tears as Caleb, the child I never knew I wanted, prepares to leave for college. Beside me, Mason is tense as we try to avert our eyes from the heartbreaking scene going on in front of us. Caleb is leaving for the University of Alabama today, and Jess leaves for Ole Miss two days from now. I’m not sure what the future holds for the couple, but it’ll be almost impossible with them both on scholarships, to be able to keep their relationship going.
They spent the whole night out with one another last night, only showing up here at six-thirty a.m., to fall asleep on the couch wrapped up in each other’s arms. When I woke them up at eight, because Caleb has to be in Tuscaloosa at noon, the stark sadness on both of their faces almost killed me.
“I know how she feels.” Mason’s voice is hoarse. “I know he’ll only be a couple hours away, but you know as well as I do what’s going to happen. He’ll get a life there, trips home will be scarce, and he’s not gonna give a shit about his old man.”
“Now you’re being dramatic,” I whisper back. “Caleb worships the ground you walk on.”
“He did,” Mason concedes. “But he’s his own man now; he won’t need me as much as you think.”
“He’ll need you more than you think.” I put my arms around his waist and rest my head on his shoulder. “I know you’re having a hard time coming to grips with this, even though you’ve had months to prepare, but remember, you have me.”
Menace
Months to prepare. If Rina only knew. I had eighteen years to prepare for the boy turned man in front of me to leave, but faced with it in this moment; I realize it wasn’t long enough. I hold onto her, my anchor in this storm of emotions rioting through my body.
I’d asked him numerous times if he wanted me to go with him to Tuscaloosa, and he’d declined the offer. Saying all he was doing was reporting for summer workouts, he’d be staying in student housing, and there was no reason for me to drag ass there until he was in his dorm when the school year started. I’d fought against it every time, but eventually I had understood; he wanted to do this on his own, wanted to depend on himself, prove to himself he could get around in a place he’d only been a few times. Prove to me he could take care of himself. My fingers grip Karina tighter as Jess steps away from his embrace, gives us a wave, and runs to her car. Given the redness of her cheeks, it’s going to be a few hours before she’s finally calmed down.
“I’ll call her later and make sure she’s okay,” Rina is telling Caleb as he walks toward us.
“Thanks Kari, you’ll never know how much I appreciate it.”
She breaks from me, throwing herself into Caleb’s arms, burrowing her head into his shoulder as the man I raised from an infant holds her tightly against him. There are slight tracks down his cheeks, and he holds her head in the palm of his hand as she presses herself to him. Since the day she took care of him when he was sick, they’ve had a special relationship, and it’s easy to see how much this is killing them too. “Take care of my dad,” I hear him whisper to her. “Make sure he’s happy, don’t give him enough time to be sad.”
“Hey.” I step up. “Don’t you worry about me. I’ve got life here to live, you concentrate on keeping that scholarship and kicking ass on the field. Your room is always open, anytime you want to come here and use it.”
He lets go of her, standing in front of me. The son who fit on my forearm now stands in front of me, the top of his head at my vision line. He almost caught up with me before he stopped growing, but he’ll definitely be more muscular than me when all is said and done. Looking at him, it’s like looking into a mirror, seeing myself at his age, but seeing his future much brighter and full of hope than mine had ever been. For years I’d worried that I’d made the wrong decision when he’d been born. Maybe I should have given him up for adoption, let someone with more money and time than I had raise him, but in the end, I realized nobody loved him as much as I did. No one could, and I’d been happy with my sacrifices, had gladly made them. The pride I feel staring at my son right now is beyond anything I can describe. He and I? We made it. We made it through high school without him replicating my path, and the future is so fucking bright, I have to squint. I truly don’t think there’s ever been a prouder father than I am right now.
The two of us stare at each other for what feels like forever, then I open my arms like I used to when he was a kid. His eyes take one look and he falls into me, wrapping himself around me like he did then. I can hear sniffles from my left, and I know that Rina is losing it as she watches the two of us embrace out here for God and everyone to see. I’m about to lose it too as he tightens his grip around my waist, resting his forehead on my shoulder.
“You’re gonna be…” my voice cracks as I try to give him reassurance. “You’re gonna be fine, Caleb. You’re gonna do amazing there.” I clear my throat, trying to push back the tears I feel threatening to spill. I’ve never held my emotions back from my son, he’s the one person who’s needed to see them, and I’m proud I’ve raised one who doesn’t shy away from his feelings.
“What if I don’t?” His voice is quiet and deep at my ear, full of self-doubt, and holds the tiniest hint of the little boy who asked where his mom was and why he didn’t have cute cupcakes in the second grade when all his friends did.
I stiffen my lip and tell him now the same thing I told him then. “They ain’t any better than you are, Caleb. Nobody works as hard as you do, and nobody knows what sacrifice is more than you. Work hard, be a good person, and remember your manners. That’s all you concentrate on. You need me? I’m a phone call away. I can be there in a few hours. Do not,” I grasp his hair in my hands as I say these words, emphasizing again. “Do. Not. Hesitate. To. Call. Me.”
He swallows, I can feel the motion against my shoulder, can feel the wetness staining my t-shirt where his face is buried. “I won’t.” His voice is muffled.
“You get in trouble, you call me. You need money? You use that credit card in your wallet; I’ll take care of it. You miss us? You come home. It’s easy as that, Son. There’s nothing there that you don’t have here, a few hours away.”
“I’m gonna make you proud, do the shit I shoulda done instead of embarrassing you last year.”
I pull him away from me, wiping away the tears streaming down his face. We haven’t been separated since my deployments, and given our history with those, I know why he’s scared and I know why I’m taking this so hard. “You’ve never embarrassed me, never. If anything, I probably embarrassed you with those ugly-ass cupcakes I took to your classes when it was your birthday. God, they were so bad.” I laugh through my tears.
“You still remember that?” He laughs too, using his arm to wipe his nose, scrubs his hands down his face. “They were really bad, Dad, but then I remember you weren’t much older than me, and I can barely cook Ramen Noodles.” He laughs. “The thing that’s always mattered is you were there. Nobody else was, but you stayed. You didn’t abandon me when it would’ve been easier. And you dealt with all those looks, every time we did something and no one believed you were my dad. When I had that appendicitis at ten and the doctor waved you off, saying you were being paranoid. When I got my heart broken for the first time and you told me it was okay to be upset. When you listened to an ungrateful little shit few months ago, who didn’t know what the fuck was going on in his head. You didn’t let me stray, you stuck by me. I love you, Dad.”
For a few minutes, I stare at him. Remembering this moment in time before everything changes and give myself a pat on the back for getting him here. There was a village. From my mom, who helped us whenever she could, to coaches, to Violet and the guys from the MTF, and especially Karina.
“It’s your time now, make me proud.” I cup his neck, forcing him to stare at me. “Have fun, but not too much. Study hard, but not all the time, and enjoy yourself.”
“You too, Dad.” His eyes flit to Karina. “Let me know when the wedding is.” He gives us a smartass grin.
“Get outta here.” I hug him one more time, before he bends down, hugging Karina again.
“I’ll text you when I get there, let you know what house I’m in and stuff,” he promises as he walks to his truck, loaded down with all he’ll need.
“Please do.” Karina worries at my side; I can feel her wringing her hands as I sling my arm around her shoulder, letting her bury her face into me. Before she inhales deeply and then forces herself to watch him go.
As we stand and watch his truck drive away, neither one of us move. We stand there for probably fifteen minutes after we can no longer see it. “He’s gone,” she whispers.
“C’mon, let’s go inside, figure out what we’re going to do.” I hitch my head toward the house.
“Ice cream,” she mumbles. “I need to drown my sorrows in lots of ice cream.”
“And beer,” I add. “Beer, ice cream, and Netflix. Today we wallow. Tomorrow we go do something fun,” I promise as I kiss her head.
“You know it’s okay to wallow for a few days, right?” Her fingers fist in my shirt. “I can’t even imagine how that felt for you.”
I’m still trying to process it, but I know it’ll be good for him, I know he’s going where he needs to. Those thoughts though, they don’t ease this ache in my chest.
“One day at a time, Rina. That’s all I can promise.”
She grabs my hand entwining our fingers.
“We’ll do it together, big guy. Always together.”
Always together. During the hard times, I’ll hold onto the words, and the memory of the pride I felt when I watched my son take his first step into adulthood and independence.