CHAPTER TWO
Karina
M: The weekend was busy, and yesterday was a crap day at work, but I wanted to let you know I had a great night with you! Maybe we can do it again! Ya know, get each other’s last names this time?
Glancing down at the phone in my hand, I read the text message again, calling myself a fool millions of times over. This marked the fourth day since I had my date with Mason, and the second day he’d texted me. It would also mark the second day I’d ignore him.
Tilting my head back, I inspect my neck in the bathroom mirror. I won’t have to be caking on the concealer and foundation for much longer. The love bites are finally starting to fade, but I still have bruises on my thighs and in between them I can still feel a twinge when I move a certain way. Mason definitely left an impression on me unlike anyone else has before. A part of me already wants to see him again, to make sure I never have to know what life is like without these love bites, without this soreness again. But that’s only one part. The other part? Not so sure. Totally unsure if I want to open myself up to potential heartbreak again. Do I want to put myself out there, and trust someone, only to have that trust be thrown back in my face? Confidence? I got it. Trust? Not there yet.
Picking my toothbrush up from the bathroom sink, I go through the motions of my morning routine. Like every other day, I brush my teeth while I’m waiting for my moisturizer to dry, and just like every day since I had the Jeep escapade, my thoughts drift back to Mason. There’s something about him, about the way he’d plunged into me, the way he hadn’t treated me like I was going to break. He’d manhandled me, dented my flesh, thrusted like he couldn’t get deep enough. God, I’d loved it all. While my body is begging to meet Mason for another hot night in the back of his Jeep, there’s something holding me back.
“Just call it like it is, Karina. You’re scared,” I taunt my reflection in the mirror. I try not to see how bright my eyes are, how alive I look. I haven’t looked this way in a long time, and the brightness has been shining since my date. I’ve seen a spark inside me that I haven’t had in years – maybe ever – in my adult life.
The passion I felt with Mason, I’ve never felt before. Not with the man I was supposed to have married, not with my high school boyfriend, not with anyone. And that’s what scares me. Shouldn’t I have felt the searing desire for the man I was going to marry? It’s got me questioning everything I thought I knew about my wants and desires. It’s also got me very confused, which is why I completely ignore the next two messages he sends me. When all I really want to do is answer them and plan out our next date.
* * *
“Quiet down everybody!”
I raise my voice attempting to shush the twenty teenagers I teach in the last class of the day. There are times when I want my English class back, the original class I taught when I came here and the class I still teach at night on occasion, but typically I love that I’ve been able to mix things up. This last class of the day, let’s just say if they were my first, I’d probably have given up on teaching. On a good day they’re hard to control; today, they’re trying my patience. They’ve been this way since we came back from our Christmas break. This group of seniors is ready for the year to be over. If they continue on the way they have been, I’ll be glad to see the ass-end of this school year too.
“Okay, next week we’ll have a few of your family members coming in to talk about their jobs and realistic expectations regarding real-life wages and education. What I want from you all tomorrow is a two-page paper on what your dream occupation would be, comparing it to what Laurel Springs has to offer. If you were to be able to get your dream job, what would you need to do to achieve it? How would you make it happen? If you don’t make it happen, where do you think you’ll end up?”
There’s groans throughout the room and a few giggles. Sitting on my desk, I look out amongst these kids, who are so close to adults, and try to remember back to how I felt at this time in my life. My dream hadn’t been to be a teacher. I’d wanted to be an artist. As a teenager, I’d dabbled in drawing, pottery, painting, and anything else I could get my hands on. Some days I wish I had made the decision to keep going, but at the end of the day, I do love these kids.
“I need that tomorrow,” I remind them as the bell rings, signaling the end of my day. Already I know which ones will turn it in, and which ones won’t.
“Caleb,” I call out to one of my students as they file out. “Your dad is still good with coming to talk to us?”
All I know is his dad is a member of the Moonshine Task Force here in the county, and given that the kids have had issues with drinking, I think it would be good for him to talk to all of us.
“Yeah.” He nods, waving to a girl who tells him bye, giving her a smile. This kid is going to have so many women at college. “This will be his mid-shift, but he’ll be here for the second half. They’ve got it cleared.”
“I’ll thank him when he’s here, but please tell him as well. It could be a bit of a hostile environment, considering what he represents.”
We both know I’m talking about the moonshine being shared in the school. The teachers have been warned, but the perpetrator still hasn’t been caught.
“Ms. Holland, my dad’s a strong dude; he knows what he’s in for.”
I give Caleb a smile. “You know your dad better than anybody, so I’ll have to trust you on this.”
He pulls his bag over his shoulder. “I gotta get to conditioning. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Giving him my own wave, I watch him leave; excited for the opportunity I’m going to be able to give my students.
Menace
“What does it mean when a woman you had a good time with and thought for sure you’d see again, completely stops returning your texts and doesn’t answer your phone calls?” I ask my son as we sit down to dinner together.
He chuckles, taking a drink of his water. “You mean she ghosted you, Dad? One date and she ghosted you?”
“What the hell does ghosted mean?”
Sometimes when he talks, I feel ninety years old.
“When someone totally disappears from your life, without a trace.”
Exactly what hot-as-hell-Karina did to me? “Yeah, that’s it, then. She even took her profile down on the site.”
“Damn, Dad. Are you that bad of a date?”
Truthfully, I hadn’t thought I was. But maybe I’ve been out of the game longer than I thought. “I didn’t think so.” I load my fork up with the steamed broccoli I made.
“Go for it again, I can tell you had a good time. You were smiling for a couple of days after. You seemed not so serious for a while. It looked good on you.”
“I smile.” I’m offended that my son acts like I don’t.
He chews thoughtfully on the chicken he grilled for us, while I’d made the sides. “You do smile, but you smile like I did a few months ago. It’s for appearances purpose; it doesn’t meet your eyes. Face it, Dad, you’re sick of living your life alone. It’s not a bad thing but be honest with yourself. For those few days after your date, your smile reached your eyes and you didn’t look like you had the weight of the world on your shoulders.”
Caleb and I, we’ve come a long way in the past few months since he was pulled over with his friends for having moonshine and drugs in a car, and since he was caught drunk in public. We’ve gotten closer, we call each other on our shit, and there aren’t secrets between us anymore. Except for our love lives, he knows all about safe sex, and as long as he’s practicing it, I’m good. I have zero desire to know who or what my son is screwing, and I’m sure he feels the same way about me.
“Then that’s something I’ll work on. I’m not gonna lie and say there aren’t days and nights when I’m not lonely. When you were younger, it was easier for me to stay busy, and even during the last few years. I’ve worked a lot of overtime to be able to provide you with options for college, unlike what I had. Only to find out, you didn’t even need it.” I give him a grin. He’s been accepted to the University of Alabama on a full-ride football scholarship, and I’ve never been prouder of him. All the time I’d worked, all the money I’d saved, it’s still worth it, because it’ll give him a jumpstart on life I never had. But I’m quickly beginning to realize I’ve got to make myself happy too. He’s not going to be here, and if my life is wrapped up in him? Then there’s no life for me to live.
“Now’s your time, Dad.” He nods toward me. “You do you, I don’t need you around all the time like I used to. As long as we get to eat dinner together a few times a week and get to spend a couple of days a month together, I’m good. If I have to share you with a woman, I will. You’re gonna be lonely when I leave for Tuscaloosa in the summer.”
My chest physically hurts at those words. “Don’t remind me. I don’t know what I’m going to do without you here.”
“Now’s the time to find out, don’t waste it. I’m sure you’ll find something or someone to occupy your time with.” He flashes me a smartass grin.
“I’m sure I will too.”
Truth was though; I really wanted to spend my time with Karina. If only I could get her to return my attempts to get in touch with her.
* * *
Grocery shopping is my least favorite responsibility of being an adult. Always has been, always will be. I can do laundry, vacuum, dust furniture, passably cook – you name it, I do it all. The one thing I typically fail at? Grocery shopping. I never go until we have absolutely nothing in our fridge. My list is literally a mile long on my phone, and I’m already over it.
“Hey Mason.” I hear a female voice, as I round the corner into the produce section.
“Hey.” I wave slightly at the woman speaking to me. I’ve seen her around town before, have spoken with her a few times, but I can never remember her name. And right now she’s standing in front of the asparagus I need to go with one of the meals I have planned for the week. That’s right, I’m a meal planner. If I wasn’t, nothing would ever get cooked or we’d just have cereal every night. “Mind if I get in there.” I point behind her. “I’m kinda in a hurry; it’s been a long day.”
She looks me up and down, taking in the uniform I’m wearing. I’ve gotten enough looks like this to know she appreciates the way I fill it out. She’s probably thinking of an officer fantasy in her head, and I’m the star of the show. Today I don’t have patience for it. All I want to do is get home, make dinner, and chill. The one woman I want the attention of still isn’t paying any to me.
“I’m sure you did. Must be hard to go home and take care of your son at the end of the day by yourself.”
It takes everything I have not to roll my eyes. “These days not so much, considering he’s an adult. Turned eighteen at the beginning of the month. He doesn’t need me all the time anymore.” I make a lunge at a wrapped bunch of asparagus.
She grabs hold of it, yanking it to pull me closer to her. “Then maybe you need someone to take care of you? There’s gotta be needs you have that aren’t being fulfilled.”
Her voice has dropped to levels that just aren’t appropriate for the grocery store, and they aren’t appropriate for me – ever. This isn’t the woman I want, she’s not the one who’s been keeping me up at night with a hard-on. She’s not the one I’ve been fantasizing about as I take care of business in the shower. Out of the corner of my eye I see hair and a body I would know anywhere. She’s leaving the grocery store, and all I want to do is run after her, ask her exactly why she’s been avoiding me.
Ignoring the woman still speaking to me, I move my cart toward the checkout lines, but we have people, carts, and checkout lanes in between us. I can’t leave the food I’ve picked up; we need it at the house. With one last ditch effort, I yell her name.
“Karina!”
She glances back, her eyes widen in recognition, and just like that she’s swallowed up in the afternoon rush of grocery shoppers. “Damnit.” I beat my hand against the handle of the cart.
Something I do know for sure now, that I didn’t know with certainty before: She lives here. No one else would be going to this hole-in-the-wall one stop shop if they didn’t. Now I just have to figure out what it’ll take for her to speak to me again – and maybe give me another shot.
One thing about me is that I don’t give up easily. I felt something with this woman, something I’ve never felt before, not even with Caleb’s mom, and I’ll be damned if I just let it walk away without trying to explore it.
One way or another, hopefully I’ll get an answer.