While Tahlia and I aren’t exactly one in the same, I’ve always felt that she respected me, but right now she’s looking at me as if I’m the biggest idiot she’s ever met.

“Stop looking at me with those judging eyes,” I tell her, pulling books off the shelf and sorting them into two piles. Keep or give away. It’s hard to let go of anything though, and my second pile is looking ridiculously small. I’m not a hoarder but a lifetime of memories is in the apartment. Every single thing seems to have a sentimental value.

“I just don’t get you. At all. I mean, Mia, he was the complete package.”

“Except our life is here and his is there, and not to mention... he’s not ready for love.” My chest aches at the memories. His cabin offered something I’ve never experienced before. Wide open spaces where possibilities are in front of me. Since I’ve returned to the apartment, I feel like the walls of my life are caving in on me.

But was it him who wasn’t ready for love? Or is it me?

The answer is practically emblazoned on my heart -- scared to freaking death.

Tahlia is sorting through a pile of clothes. Trying on one article at a time, then looking in a full-length mirror, assessing its potential, and then groaning loudly. Maybe it’s a designer’s process but it’s grating at my nerves. “I could move in with Karis or something else. Something totally unexpected.” She flits her eyes around the room and I know there is more to the story.

“What are you talking about?”

“You know, if you wanted to like, ride off into the sunset.”

“I don’t want to go riding anywhere. Manhattan is my home.”

She waves her hands. “Sorry. It was just a suggestion.”

Mathias walks into the living room, a Lego ship in hand. “Look, isn’t the engine awesome?”

I raise my eyebrows, set down the books I’m holding. and ask him to show it to me.

He points out all the details and the control panel and the wheels that really work.

“Wow. So, have you gone through your toys yet?”

He frowns. “I was mostly working on this. Hey, do you think I could ask Ford to take me to the bowling alley again? I have some quarters and I want to play the arcade games.”

I bite my bottom lip, not wanting to cry. God, my poor brother is practically begging for a man in his life. And it kills me, knowing that I took Ford from him.

“Matty...” I sigh. “He’s busy with work, but I can ask next time I see him, okay?”

That seems to cheer him up. “Okay, sweet! Well, I’m gonna go back and play--“

I cut him off. “No way, mister. You need to focus.” He’s procrastinating as badly as Tallie and I have been. We don’t seem to want to let go of anything. What does that say? Are we holding onto the past or scared to face the future? I’m guessing both.

I’m trying to make a better effort with him. Ever since the night in Central Park, I’ve intentionally been asking him about his day, taking an extra half-hour in the evening to play Minecraft with him or walk to the bodega at the end of the street for a candy bar.

But it seems like it’s not me he wants. It’s Ford.

“I know,” he says. “I’ll go do what you asked.”

I ruffle my hand through his shaggy hair. “Thanks, goose. And awesome engine. You’re the smartest guy I know.”

He beams, and I’m glad I’m making a better effort. He runs off with his Lego creation in hand.

“You know, Matty may be the smartest, but Ford’s the hottest,” Tallie says.

“Oh, my God,” I say, laughing and throwing a paperback at her. “That’s weird, you know that, right? A mixed analogy or something?”

“I know,” she laughs, waving it off. “But seriously have you watched the live stream lately? The sculpture is almost finished. I guess the last week of the project will be off the grid, no cameras. So, the unveiling is a bigger reveal.”

I smile tightly. I’ve avoided all contact with Ford since coming home, but I’d be lying to say it didn’t make my chest ache at the memory of him and me in Central Park; of him showing me his work in progress. I’d love to see it now.

I watched a morning talk show interview yesterday, featuring Ford. His smile lit up the camera, even though I could tell he hated the attention. He kept scowling, looking down. But his sex appeal was irresistible. The women interviewing him were all sorts of hot and bothered.

And so was I. I’m not ashamed to admit I replayed the clip about forty-three times last night as I tried to fall asleep.

“Well, that’s great for him,” I say with a chummy grin.

She rolls her eyes at my fake smile and I change the subject. “So, what did you mean, move in with Karis? Or something. I’m your guardian, not her parents.”

Tahlia twists her lips. “Right. And I totally know that, Mia.”

“Am I not doing a good enough job?” I ask, promising myself I won’t cry. Why am I taking this so personally? Don’t I want her to be happy? And she is talking to me, including me in her life. I should be pleased.

“Mia, whatever,” she scoffs. “You’re doing a great job. That’s not what I was trying to say.” She sets down the blouse in her hands and pulls me into a hug. “I just want my big sister to be happy. And with Ford you were.”

“It was a fling.”

“Yeah, but you’ve been home from Colorado for a week and been depressed as fuck.”

“Tallie! Language.”

“Sorry! Gosh, okay. Listen. I worry about us is all. I mean we’re packing up a house without a plan to where we might go. And I just...”

“I know.” I swallow, seeing the worry lines on her face.

“I love you, Mia. I’m just a little scared.”

“Do you think Matty is?”

Tahlia doesn’t answer right away. I exhale, knowing her silence says everything. “I’m letting Mom down, aren’t I?”

Tallie tucks a loose strand of my hair behind my ear. “Mia, Mom couldn’t be prouder of you. This past year, Matty and I survived because you committed to making life as normal as possible. You’re the best big sister in the world. Without you, we’d be in foster care, totally drowning.”

I blink back tears. “Then why do I feel like I’m letting you down? We’re treading water but damn, Tals, I’m so tired.”

“We will find a place to live. And worse cases scenario we all move into Karis’ parents place until we figure it out.”

“I’ll feel like a failure if it comes to that.”

Tallie smiles softly. “You can feel however you want. I’ll feel grateful to have people looking out for my family.”

I close my eyes, letting her words sink in. Ford said I was wise beyond my years, but looking at my little sister, I know the truth. She’s the one has it all figured out.

* * *

I’ve just finished shoveling ramen in my mouth, for lunch, when I noticed I missed a call. For a moment, I hope it’s Ford. But then I push that thought aside. I’m the one who broke up with him. I’ve barely seen him since we got back from our trip, I know he’s intentionally leaving extra early every morning and staying out late each night.

I don’t blame him. He said he was falling in love with me and I pushed him away.

I told him that he’s not ready for love but deep down it’s me who is scared to let anyone in.

There are no guarantees. Mom was gone in the blink of an eye. Better to stay in a cocoon of my own making than try and fly again, only to fall.

I click on the voicemail and hold my phone to my ear.

Hello, Mia! This is John, we met last week at the interview? I’m calling to let you know we’d like to offer you the concierge position at Uptown Suites.

Oh, thank you, God.