Crashed And Burned
After my awesome date with an empty chair, I couldn’t wait for a Saturday night do-over. My friends wanted to do something memorable over winter break, so we’d planned a sleep-in-your car, all-nighter camping trip at Cowan Lake. I had told my dad that, as per usual, I was spending the night with Kiki, and Kiki told her parents she was staying at my place. When we move into our own apartment, we won’t have to lie and sneak around anymore.
We’d made the lake plans weeks ago, before I’d even met the Russians. After my fail last weekend, I didn’t want to subject myself to another lecture, but if I didn’t drink and / or throw myself at anyone, I could flash the stupid girl card on the trespassing crime. I mean, damn, I could go camping with my friends without Vladimir’s and Boris’s approval. I wasn’t playing strip poker with a bunch of wasted frat boys or anything.
With our alibis in place, I told Kiki to text me when she got to the house, and I would meet her outside. I didn’t want to give Dad an opportunity to ask questions. A knock came from the front door. Jeez, Kiki.
I yelled goodbye to the family, hoofed it downstairs, and opened the door. Ryan was standing on my porch. His shoulders were slumped, making him look like a big dejected Teddy bear. Awkward. I’d been avoiding him since The Kiss. He had sent me a billion texts, called, Tweeted—but I didn’t have the guts to own up to my skanky behavior.
“Please talk to me.” He reached out and tugged on my coat sleeve.
His sweet brown eyes wore me down. “Okay, but not here.” I hopped inside Ryan’s truck and texted Kiki I would catch up with her later.
We made small talk as he drove us to our favorite pizza place. Turned out he was spending winter break with his dad, who lived across the street from me. Once we got a booth and ordered a large white pizza with artichokes and black olives with a side of meatballs, Ryan put his hand on top of mine. “I didn’t turn you down that night.”
I looked away, ashamed of my slutty drunken horniness. “Ryan, I’m totally embarrassed about the whole thing. Can we please drop it?”
He shook my arm to loosen my constant anxiety. I couldn’t look at him. I took a sip of my Sierra Mist.
“You’re not hearing me, Carter. I’ve been crushing on you since high school.”
Pop fizz tickled my nose. “Ryan, stop it.”
“Seriously. I only said no because I have too much respect for you to take advantage of a situation like that. But, if you were my girlfriend and wanted to attack me, I’d be all right with that.” He tapped my foot under the table and squeezed my hand.
I peeked up at him. He had the cutest dimples. “Your girlfriend?”
At that exact moment, a guy bumped into Ryan’s chair. When the dude turned around and held up his hand to apologize, I recognized him—Playboy. He tossed me a wicked grin and camped out at the table behind Ryan.
After Playboy took a seat, two of his cohorts joined him—the big, grimacing fellow that lurked around Vladimir’s house, and a wiry guy with a shaved head and a trail of black tats running down his neck. Playboy waved behind Ryan’s back and snapped a pic of the big boy and me. A not-so-subtle reminder for me to be on my best behavior.
That trio of Russian outcasts must be the patsani Vladimir had warned me about last weekend. My God, would he really use them to teach me a lesson?
***
As we walked back to his truck after dinner, Ryan said, “Can I talk you into a movie instead of going to the lake?”
Hanging around with Ryan would be a solid plan to stay out of trouble. I hated the thought, but the Russians were right about drinking around boys, and there was potential for the overnighter to end badly—and I sure as hell didn’t want Playboy and his posse to get involved.
“Come on. I’ll buy the Milk Duds.”
“You’re tempting me with the promise of a sugar buzz and a mouthful of cavities? Smooth. I’m a sucker for bad boys. Your bribe is accepted.”
As Ryan drove to the theater, Dad’s ringtone erupted from my phone. “What’s up? I’m with Ryan.” I paused, listening. “Cowan Lake? On my way.”
“What’s wrong?” Ryan asked.
“The cops busted Kiki and a bunch of the others for being at the lake after hours. Some jerk brought beer, so everyone had to call their parents to pick them up. Kiki’s dad was worried because I was M.I.A. and called Dad.”
“How angry is he?”
“Oh, you know Dad. Somewhere between an overprotective rhino and a ticked off Coach Harbaugh.” The drama was getting exhausting.
“But you weren’t even at the lake.”
“Stop applying common sense. We’re talking about my dad, here.”
When Ryan got me back to the house, Dad was waiting on the front porch in his pajama pants, Karen’s house slippers, and a winter coat. He couldn’t even wait for me to get inside the house to interrogate me. Ryan offered to walk me to the door and serve as my witness, but I convinced him to go home. I liked the idea of knowing he was across the street.
“You lied right to my face, Carter?” Dad asked before I even made it up the steps. “How dumb do you think I am? You do this sort of thing every weekend with your wild college friends?” He held the door open, I stepped inside, and he locked it behind me. “Does Ryan lie to his dad so he can sneak around all night? So, the two of you are an item now?” Even though he was shouting, he sounded excited about the prospect of me dating The Perfect One.
I didn’t answer any of his questions. The one night I didn’t do anything wrong, I got busted for lying to my dad for no good reason. Karen peered at me from the kitchen table.
“You don’t want to talk?” he went on. “Fine. You’re grounded. Give me your phone. If you don’t have anything to say to me then you don’t need to talk to anyone else.”
I handed my cell to him without pleading my case. Grounded. Like a kid. Total bullshit, but I didn’t have it in me to fight back. In fact, I could think of nothing better to do than sit in my room and rot all weekend.
He glanced down at my screenshot and let out an exacerbated sigh when he saw a selfie of Kiki and me making fish faces. “The two of you,” he mumbled under his beer-tainted breath. “It’ll be such a relief when you’re finally out of this house so I won’t have to put up with your goddamn shit anymore.”
My hands flew to my mouth.
“Oh, Rick,” Karen said. “Apologize.”
“I didn’t mean it. Sorry,” Dad said to Karen. He was more motivated to appease his wife than he was to take back what he said to me. Because it was the truth. He reached out and laid his hands on my shoulders.
“You’re not sorry.” I shoved him off. “You hate me. You’ve always hated me. It’s my fault Sophia’s dead and you’ll never forgive—”
“Oh no you don’t, Carter.” Dad held out his hands. “Don’t you dare try to deflect—”
“Admit it. You wish I had crashed and burned instead of your good daughter.”
“Carter, how could you—”
“I’m sorry I made your life suck.” I retreated to the safety of my room, dropped to the floor, and did push-ups in rapid-fire succession to ignite the burn in my muscles.
The devil clung to my shoulder and hissed in my ear.
You’re a fucking loser…Sophia was a better person…you should have been the one who died…it’s your fault…it’s your fault…it’s your fault…
Sophia’s voice was silent. She blamed me, too. “I’m so sorry, Sophia,” I whispered. “I would trade places with you if I could.” My muscles were on fire, but I deserved the pain. I kept going until my body quit working, and I collapsed on the floor.
I could not do one thing right to save my fucked-up life.