When the band took their final encore, I felt like I could finally breathe. As the guys left the stage I wanted to clap like I was fan, but held back. I’m so proud of Liam, and seeing this side of him is amazing. He performs with such confidence, just like he did on the football field. I have no doubt he could’ve done either and been successful.
Liam and Jimmy pass me as if I’m nothing more than a common employee. I know that I am, but it still stings. I can’t forget that I’m at their beck and call, not the other way around. I wait for Harrison and I hate that my body shivers in anticipation that he’ll be close again. It shouldn’t feel like this, my body belongs to Mason. I belong to Mason. The lights go on and still no Harrison. I look out and see people moving out of their seats. I take a deep breath and step out onto stage, ready to face Harrison and encourage to him to get back stage. I look at his drum set, empty. He’s already gone and I missed him.
Why do I care that I missed him? I don’t. Or maybe I do and I can’t bring myself to admit that, when he’s in the room, the chaos doesn’t exist. That watching him hold Elle the other night not only hurt, but gave me hope that my girls will heal and if I can’t help them, someone else can and is willing to step up and do it. He didn’t have to hold her all night and sleep in an uncomfortable chair, but he did, and I couldn’t even thank him for it.
Opening the door to the kids’ room, I stand there. Noah is with Liam and Josie, gushing about what he just saw his dad do. Quinn is with Harrison, who is on bended knee and talking with Elle. Peyton, my very sweet and angry child, is in the corner standing defiantly. And no one knows I’m here, except Harrison.
There is a glint in his eye and I think he’s remembering when I touched him earlier. I didn’t mean to, at least I don’t think I did. It felt natural to put my hand on his back and wish him good luck.
He leans in and whispers something in Elle’s ear and whatever it is causes her to break into a dead sprint toward me. My arms are out before she jumps into them. I hug her tightly, but feel empty. I look over at Peyton and wave her over to me, but she ignores me. Doesn’t she know my arms feel empty without both my girls in them?
“Mommy, did you watch the concert?”
Her exuberance pleases me. I want them to enjoy this adventure and not beg to go home. I’m liking my job, aside from Liam’s outburst earlier, and don’t want to give it up, but if they aren’t happy, I will.
“I did. Did you watch it?”
“Oh yes and we could feel the music through the walls. My heart was pounding so fast.”
“Mine too.” I put her down and hold her hand in mine. We walk over to Peyton, who turns away from us.
“Hey, Peyton. Are you ready to go?”
She shrugs.
“Elle, why don’t you go get your things ready while I talk to Peyton.” I kiss her on her cheek and watch as she walks away. She has a spring in her step and wonder if she’s even coping with Mason’s death or if Peyton is right. Elle’s mine, whereas Peyton and Mason were attached at the hip.
I reach out and pull Peyton’s hand into mine, she tries to jerk away, but I don’t allow her to. I don’t want to be stern with her, but if I need to, I’ll do what I must to make her understand that she’s mine too, with or without Mason.
“Did you watch Uncle Liam on stage?”
“No.” Her response is sharp.
“Why not?”
“I don’t care.”
“That’s not true.” I bend down and try to look at Peyton, but she refuses to make eye contact with me. “Peyton, you can talk to me about everything you’re thinking.”
“No, I can’t because you’ll cry.”
She’s right, I will. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t cry for Mason.
“I’ll try not to cry, but I miss your dad just like you and Elle do. It’s hard, but things are getting better. We’re on this trip with all our friends and we’re going to go to Disney World. Uncle Liam is doing a lot to help us heal, don’t you think we should at least try?”
She shakes her head and turns so I can only see her back. Her hand comes up and swipes at her face. It breaks my heart to see her cry and not be able to do anything for her.
I look over my shoulder and offer Liam what probably looks like a grimace. When I stand, he pulls me into his arms.
“She’ll come around,” he whispers into my ear so no one else can hear him. I nod and rest my head on his shoulder. He kisses me softly on the cheek and leaves me to tend to my heart-broken child.
I run my hand through her long brown hair, twirling her curls with my fingers when I get to the ends. I love her curls. Both she and Elle have been blessed with such beautiful hair. Women pay big bucks for this look.
“Come on, sweetie.” I pick her up and hold her in my arms. I don’t know what to do, but I feel like a total failure of a mother.
Elle is ready and waiting with everyone, holding Harrison’s hand. I want to laugh at the sheer difference between the two of them. There stands a man, with his excessively tattooed arms holding hands with a petite wannabe cheerleader. Holding his other hand is his son. When you look at Quinn, you can tell that he belongs to a drummer by the way he dresses, with his red velvet jacket, the collar up and his black pants. He’s a smaller version of Harrison and already carries himself full of confidence. But my Elle, she’s opposite, prissy almost; always in a dress with her hair done just right. She’d wear make-up if I’d let her. This unlikely trio is like night and day and I’m on the outside watching as this man develops a relationship with my daughter. Sometimes it makes me want to scream and sometimes I want to be thankful that she’s okay talking to him, or anyone for that matter because I just don’t have the answers for her right now. I don’t even have the answers for Peyton, who needs me the most.
Harrison looks over his shoulder and smiles at me. For the first time I don’t hesitate and smile back. Maybe we can be friends, nothing more, though. He’s not my type and I love my husband, whether he’s here to love me back or not.
I follow everyone out and onto the bus. Peyton hasn’t moved, her hands are locked tight around my neck. If I let go, she’d hang off me like a monkey. I’m tempted to try this, but that was something Mason did with the girls. He’d let them climb all over him and never tell them to get down. It didn’t matter what he was doing, even if he was watching football, the girls acted like he was a jungle gym.
“Girls, get down. Your dad is trying to scout the game.”
“They’re fine, babe.”
“No, they aren’t. You have work to do.”
“And I’m doing it, see.” Mason holds up his pen and notepad and points to the TV where the game film is running on loop.
Peyton and Elle are climbing all over him, hanging from his arms. It doesn’t faze him, but it does me. I don’t want to see him get angry with them for bugging him while he’s working.
“I’ll take them to the store with me.”
“Why?”
“Because they are bugging you.”
Mason sets down his pad and pulls each girl off of him. He stands and comes over to me, pulling me into his arms.
“Are you jealous of your daughters?”
“What? No. Why would I be?”
Mason shrugs. “I don’t know. I have two very gorgeous brunettes showering me with attention and my very sexy wife trying to make them stop. I think you want to hang on me for a while.”
I bite my lip to stop the smirk forming and shake my head. “You’re impossible.”
Mason kisses my neck, working his way to my ear. “I love you, Mrs. Powell and I love those two girls right over there. If they are bugging me, I’ll ask for help. I’d honestly like for you to come sit in between my legs and help me work.”
I push him slightly. “You’re incorrigible.”
“You love me.”
“I do, more than anything.”
I wish I had a camera at the time to capture those moments between Mason and the girls. I’m not sure I ever thought to take a picture when they were climbing all over him or sitting on his lap while he was scouting. So many memories that I’ve missed and I’ll never get back or be able to show the girls just how great their dad was.
I’m relishing the fact that she’s letting me hold her for so long. I don’t want to put Peyton down. I want to cuddle with her until she feels safe enough to open up. Josie’s right, the girls need to speak to someone about what they’re dealing with. Clearly, I’m not enough, and I need to be okay with that.
I sit down on the couch and immediately regret it. She’s out of my arms faster than I can ask her to stay. She goes to Noah and sits down. He doesn’t acknowledge her, but Quinn does. I can’t hear what they are talking about, but Peyton smiles and Noah rolls his eyes.
The bus roars to life and the kids all cheer. They should be sleeping, but tour life doesn’t allow for normal hours. We’ll drive for a few hours before getting to our hotel, where we’ll stay for a few days and take the kids to Disney World. This will be a first for Noah, Peyton and Elle. This was something Mason and I had talked about many times and I hate that he’s not here to share it with us.
Liam sits down next me and hands me a bottle of water. “I’m sorry for yelling at you earlier. I get a bit stressed and the flowers, they set me off.”
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not,” he says as he shakes his head. I watch as he downs the bottle of water in one gulp. I’ve always wondered how he and Mason could do that. I’d choke if I tried.
“It is. I just don’t want to be fired.”
Liam laughs. “I couldn’t fire you if I wanted.”
“Yeah, why’s that?”
He looks around and his eyes land on Harrison who is talking with the kids not a few feet away from us. “He’d kill me.”
I shake my head. I know Liam and Josie think he’d be a good fit for me, but I don’t. We have nothing in common.
“You need to stop.”
“Stop what?” he asks nonchalantly.
“Trying to fix us up. He’s not my type.”
Liam leans back and puts his arm on the back of the couch. He grins so brightly when Josie comes down the aisle. He loves her just like Mason loved me. I can see it in the way he looks at her.
“Am I Josie’s type?”
“Of course.”
Liam looks at me questioningly. “Seriously? Look at me, with my tattoos, motorcycle and music. This is the not the Liam that she fell in love with. That Liam was a football star. He woke up every morning and ate some gross protein shit. He worked out during and after school. He was football. Now look at him. He’s the exact opposite of who she fell in love with.”
“What’s your point?”
“My point is that you fell in love with Mason when you were fifteen. He’s all you’ve ever known. Who’s to say that he wouldn’t have gotten a tattoo when he entered the NFL? Would you have loved him any less? Probably not, I’m guessing. Thing is, Katelyn, love doesn’t know the way someone looks. Love knows the inside of who that person is. I’m not saying you need to fall in love with Harrison or Joe Smith, but I don’t want to see you pass up what’s in front of you. I’m not saying you have to get over Mason, but just open your eyes a little and see what’s out there. You’re young and beautiful and some man is going to be so lucky to be by your side.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“You’re right, it’s not. I looked for ten years for a way to replace Josie and failed. You can’t replace Mason even if you tried, but you can find some happiness and love if you allow yourself to.”
“You make it sound so easy.”
Liam laughs. “I’m not telling you to jump into bed with someone. I’m just suggesting that you start looking around and think about becoming friends with a few new people. You’re the one who told me Harrison isn’t your type.”
I cover my face with my hands while he laughs beside me. What is wrong with me? I’m married, even if my husband isn’t around. I can’t just start over with another man. Life isn’t supposed to work that way.
“Just so you know, Harrison hasn’t had a real girlfriend since Quinn was born. He’s just as shy as you are.”
Liam stands and I watch as he scoops Josie up and sits her down on his lap. They are disgustingly happy and it makes me sick because I used to be like that and everything in me is telling me I can be like that again. I just don’t know how, or if I can ever bring myself to enjoy the company of another man again. I’m not sure I’d ever get passed feeling like I’m betraying Mason.
I look over at my girls and smile. I have them. I don’t need a man to make me feel complete as a woman. I stand and go over to them. Elle smiles at me and Peyton stares at me, knowing that I’m about to call it a night for them.
“Come on, girls. It’s late and we need sleep.” Peyton huffs and rolls her eyes. I don’t want to be difficult with her, but she’s pushing the limits with her attitude.
“You too, Noah,” Liam says. He obeys, putting the controller from his video game down. Quinn follows, stopping to give his dad a hug and kiss. It’s not something I see from boys, but Quinn does it. Josie follows me to the rooms. She goes one way with the boys and I go the other with the girls.
I tuck them in once they’re changed. Our bedtime routine has changed with us being on the road. It’s just an adventure, I remind myself. When we get home, everything will be somewhat normal again. I kiss both girls and tell them that I love them. Elle returns the sentiment, but Peyton just rolls over and faces the wall.
“I love you, Peyton,” I say again.
“Okay.”
I lay down with her and pull her to my chest. My hand rests next to her face. Her pillow is wet. I can’t help her. I can’t make her pain go away.
“I’m so sorry, my sweet baby,” I whisper in her ear and hold her tighter. It doesn’t take long for her to drift off to sleep. Her light snores echo in the confined space. I kiss her softly on her cheek and do the same for Elle.
With a deep breath, I leave their room and pray that the demons stay away from Peyton for just one night.