Walking into the greenroom, which ironically is not green, Harrison is asleep on the couch. Since being on tour, I’ve learned that he doesn’t sleep much on the bus. How he functions on very little sleep is beyond me. Although, after being on the bus and in different hotels, not only does my back hurt, but the bags under my eyes are getting harder to cover. I long for a solid night’s sleep in my own bed.
I contemplate waking him, but this is giving me an opportunity to really digest what I see. I’ve told myself over and over again that it’s the tattoos that are turning me off, but what if that’s not the case? The art on his arms is so intricate, not pieced together like Liam’s, who has what I’d call sporadic tattoos, Harrison’s tell a story. I just don’t know what that story is and as much as I want to ask, I’m afraid that he’ll take it as a sign that I’m interested.
I want a moment where I can trace the ink, discover the hidden secrets and figure out if this is what’s keeping me away, or if I’m not ready to move on, and do all this without him knowing. I don’t want to give him hope if that’s what he’s looking for. I also don’t want to be just another conquest. I’m not like the woman he picked up in the bar. If he’s looking for someone just to bed, I’m not it. I can’t be. Those days where I could be carefree ended when I committed myself to Mason at the age of fifteen. Never have I thought about being with another man until the other night, when Harrison kissed me. Never have I felt such power from another person.
I move closer, the carpet quieting my steps. His body is splayed out with his t-shirt lifted so I can see more ink on his side. As luck would have it, a skullcap covers his head similar to what Mason would wear when he’d go to the gym. I’m starting to think that he owns stock in a hat company or that something is wrong with his head and he’s hiding it. Yet, I know that’s not the case because he let that woman touch him, remove his hoodie without any reservation. When I tried, he shied away, saying he wanted me to know him.
What does that even mean?
My shins collide against the couch. I hold my breath, waiting for him to move, waiting for his eyes to open and find me staring at him like a stalker. My eyes appraise him. His dark stubble from a few days’ growth mocks me, as if it knows that this is one of my favorite things about a man. I allow myself to take in his form. His stomach shows the dark swath of hair, leading to a place I should never think about because he’s not my husband, but I can’t help it. He intrigues me, even though I’m not willing to admit these feelings out loud. Can I go the rest of my life being this way, not willing to let another man in? Is this what Mason would want for me? Josie and Liam are insistent that Mason would be okay with Harrison, but how do they do know? Is this something Liam and Mason discussed before he was taken from our lives? Mason and I never discussed whether we should find happiness with someone else if one of us was to die early. What if it was me, would Mason move on a year after I left this world?
I’d want him to. My girls need a mom, so why is it okay for me to accept that Mason would move on, but not myself?
Harrison shifts slightly and before I can move, his hip bumps my leg. His eyes open cautiously, probably wondering what he just hit. I take a step back and start to stumble. He reaches out and grabs my arm to steady me, keeping me from falling on my ass. His hand slides down my arm until his fingers are linked with mine. He pulls me forward until my knees hit the couch, but that’s not close enough for him or for me.
I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel out of control, as if someone else is making my body move. I lean forward and trail my fingers down his arm, over the ink. It’s the first time I’ve touched a tattoo and I expected his skin to be raised, not smooth. Harrison watches my every move without saying a word. His skin pebbles as I move up and down his arm, as does mine. He’s not even touching me and I feel excitement. When I look at him, his eyes are steady on mine. A smile plays at my lips and I hate it. I hate that he can do this to me when it shouldn’t be like this.
He sits up, his hand cupping my face. I lean in as if it’s automatic for me to do something like this. His thumb glides gently over my cheekbone, his fingers threading into my hair. I look at him and know what’s coming next and I’m so powerless to stop it, because as much as my heart doesn’t want to kiss him, my body wants him.
He bites my bottom lip, bringing me to his mouth. I sigh, urging him on. My hand cups his cheek, my fingers pushing under the hat he’s wearing, feeling his short hair against the pads of my fingertips. He pulls me closer, our chests touching. Everything in my heart is telling me to stop, that this isn’t right, but my body is telling him yes, I want this.
Harrison wraps his arm around my waist, leaving no space between our bodies. He moves me so I’m sitting on his lap. My hand roams down his chest, my fingers finding their way under his shirt. His breathing hitches when I touch him. He places kisses along my jaw, nibbling my neck as my hand explores his chest. The soft kisses and dangerous bites he’s giving me drive me crazy. This shouldn’t be happening. I shouldn’t feel like this in another man’s arms.
But I do feel like this and I can’t help but want more. Crave more.
“Harrison,” I say, barely above a whisper.
He pulls away, resting his forehead against mine. Our breathing is heavy with anticipation. It could be so easy to fall into his arms and forget the heartache I’ve been dealing with, but I can’t, in good conscience enter into a relationship with him.
“Please don’t tell me to stop, Katelyn. I can’t. I can feel that you want this as much as I do.”
I shake my head without breaking our contact. Why doesn’t he understand that I can’t be anything more to him? I need to remove myself from the situation. Keep things professional between us.
The ringing of his cell phone causes me to pull away. I move, keeping one of the couch cushions between us. He pulls out his cell phone, only breaking eye contact when he looks the screen. He silences it and looks back at me.
“We need to talk.”
“Why?” he asks.
“Because this can’t happen between us.”
Harrison leans his arms on his knees and sighs. “So you’ve said, yet you’re the one in here watching me while I sleep, touching me and encouraging me to pursue this with you. You got jealous when I left the bar the other night with a woman. You acted like we were something at the park. I don’t get you at all.”
His cell phone rings again, before I can respond. He silences it.
“I want to get you, Katelyn. I want to understand what goes on in your head and be there when you need someone. I can be that person for you.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I do.” He gets up and starts to pace, only to be stopped by his cell phone again.
“Shouldn’t you answer that, it must be important?”
“No I shouldn’t and it’s not important. You’re important. You’re what matters right now,” he says as he drops to his knees in front of me.
“I can’t.”
“Can’t or won’t.”
“Is there a difference?” I ask.
“Can’t means there’s something physically holding you back from me and I know that’s not true. I can feel it when you kiss me and just now, the way you were touching me, exploring with your hands.
“Won’t means you won’t give in to temptation, but we already know that’s not true. You’ve let me kiss you. You’ve let me hold you against my body. Neither of these are valid reasons.
“I know you’ve lost your husband. I know every day is a battle for you because you miss him. I’m not trying to take his place with you or the twins. I just want to fit into your life.”
“You make everything sound so easy.” Harrison pulls my hand into his.
“It is,” he says with such confidence.
“It’s not.”
“Only because you don’t allow it.”
“Our lifestyles are different. I’m a mom of two who needs to be home at all times. You’re a drummer in a band who leaves all the time and spends months on the road. You have all these women throwing themselves at you, and I wouldn’t be able to trust the situation. I’ve seen it first hand. I don’t know how Josie does it, but I wouldn’t be able to. We’re too different.”
“Different is good.”
“No, different causes problems. There are expectations that have to be followed.”
“Expectations?” he questions, raising his eyebrow.
Harrison stands in front of me making me look up at him. “People have expectations of me,” I say quietly.
He leans over me, one arm resting on the arm of the couch. “You give a shit about what people think?”
My throat constricts because I hate that I do care about what people think. I nod and break eye contact because I don’t think I can take the look he’ll give me.
“That’s such bullshit. You won’t be with me because you’re worried about what people will think? What if they think ‘wow look at Katelyn, she’s found someone to love her and the girls, or is that not good enough for you?”
I look at him when he says love. He’s got to be joking. No one can love a widow with two kids. “Love?” I question, wanting to know his answer.
“Yeah, love. I can see myself falling in love with you and as much as I’m trying not to, it’s not working.” He says quietly. He sits down next to me and leans back into the couch. “I don’t know what else to say. I shouldn’t have to sell myself to you. You either like me or you don’t. Thing is, you can’t lie, I know you feel something, you just have to let yourself believe I’m good enough to be a part of your life.”
His phone rings again. I throw my hands up in the air. “Seriously, answer your damn phone.” He rolls his eyes and picks it up.
“Hello… yeah I remember… how’d you get my number?” Harrison has a confused look on his face. He bites his lip as he listens to his caller. “Okay… please don’t call me again.” He hangs up and puts his phone on his pocket.
“Who was that?” I ask even though it’s none of my business.
He shrugs.
“See this is one of the reasons. I know it was a woman, I could hear her whiney voice. Has she been the one calling you for the last hour?”
“It doesn’t matter who it was. What matters is that you don’t want to be with me, yet you’re still sitting in this room when you should be doing your job and getting things set up for tonight. I was in here because I can’t sleep on the bus. The room is yours now.”
I’m taken by his harsh tone, but this is what I’ve asked for. My lips form a thin line as I fight the urge to say something stupid. I nod and stand up. I look at Harrison, but he’s looking at his phone, ignoring me.
The door swings open and Liam barges in with the biggest pissed off look I’ve ever seen. Jimmy is following behind him. I look from Liam to Harrison, who doesn’t acknowledge the guys being in here.
“What have you done?” Liam asks in an incredulous tone.
“What are you talking about?”
“This.” Liam holds up a piece of paper and shakes it.
I walk over and pull it out of his hands. It’s the contract for the venue. As I read it my stomach drops.
“I… I… don’t –“
“You’re right, you don’t. This is bullshit, Katelyn, aren’t you paying attention?”
“I am,” I say with a shaky voice.
“What is it?” Harrison asks.
“Seems Katelyn has doubled booked us for the rest of the tour. We are supposed to be in Colorado and Seattle tomorrow night.”
“How is that possible?” Harrison stands and walks over to take the paper from Liam. He reads it over, looking at me for answers that I can’t give. I never set any dates in Colorado so I’m not sure how they ended up with a contract.
“Says we lose ten grand if we don’t show.”
“Yep sure does.”
My heart drops and dread takes over my body. An error somehow on my part just cost the guys ten grand.
Harrison looks from Liam to me, and I know this time he’s not coming to my defense. I’ve ruined any chance of having him in my corner when I told him that I couldn’t be with him. He hands me the contract and leaves the room, followed by Jimmy and lastly, Liam. I jump when the door slams shut and don’t even bother stopping the tears when they flow.