I waited for a phone call, text message or anything from him all weekend long, but nothing came my way. One minute I was grateful for any time I got to spend with him, and the next I was struggling to understand exactly why it was he was staying away.

So I busied my time with as many things as I could: schooling, homework, helping my parents and occasional hour-long phone calls with Sammy, Suzie or Daniella – sometimes all three at once. I hadn’t told them what happened that night. For reasons I couldn’t quite explain, I wanted to keep it sacred so only we knew: Me, Alex and Elizabeth.

The moment it became common knowledge, something told me it would be tainted. If I had to keep it a secret until the day I died, that’s what I would do – if I absolutely had to.

I was busy crouching down on the floor, pushing my books into my rucksack when Sammy clapped both hands on my shoulders and pulled me in for a bear hug from behind.

“What a beautiful day!” she squealed in my ear, forcing a smile out of me as I struggled not to fall backwards, right onto my arse.

“Someone’s chirpy,” I gasped as I faked a fit of choking.

“Of course I am. Just a few more weeks and we break up for summer fun time.”

Pushing her off me, I scooped my bag off the floor, hooked it over my shoulders and turned around to face her as we both straightened up. “Ah, the six week holidays.” Something I was both looking forward to and dreading equally. Even though Alex seemed to be either skipping school completely or somehow remaining invisible to all of us while he was here, I looked for him every single day. It was the Tuesday after the weekend of the party, and once again, he hadn’t shown up for classes the day before.

Not that I was surprised.

I was close to going round to his house to find out if he was okay, but after the last time, I was too scared to put another foot wrong. The ball had been left in his court from the moment I’d walked away. All there was left for me to do was wait.

Waiting sucked.

“You say that like six weeks away from responsibility is going to be torturous, Nat, sheesh.”

“I like routine and responsibility.” I smirked.

Sammy rolled her eyes before she spun me around and threaded her arm through mine, walking us forward out of the locker area and back into the main corridor of school. “One day you'll reveal your superpower to me.”

“And what makes you so sure I have one of those?”

“It's the only explanation for you being such a dullard. With great power comes great responsibility, right?” she bellowed in an attempt at some kind of Hollywood voice.

“Screw you.” I laughed, nudging her shoulder with mine before I looked down at my shoes and sighed. “That’s not what I meant. I just meant I like seeing you guys most days. Even when I’m not so chatty, it’s nice to know you’re there, you know?”

“I’m messing with you. Nice to see you smile, though.”

“You’ve got to stop worrying about me so much, Sammy.” I glanced up at her and raised both brows. “Despite what you all think, I’m a big girl. I'm not going to shatter into a thousand pieces. I am strong. Like bear.” I beat a single fist on my chest and managed a half smile.

“You’ve had a rough year. I’m never going to stop caring.”

“Wouldn’t want you to.”

“Good.” Shuffling her own bag farther onto her shoulder, she leaned in even closer and whispered in my ear. “So, will we ever find out where you disappeared to on Friday night?”

“Nowhere exciting,” I lied.

“So she says while trying to hide the insta-blush in her cheeks. You have gossip!” She gasped.

“Nothing worth talking about.”

“Natalie?” A voice came from behind the two of us, a voice that needed no introduction to me or to my body. As soon as my name passed his lips, Sammy and I froze in place. While everything on the outside appeared calm, inside a car crash was taking place. Heart hammering against my ribs, lungs suddenly too small to breathe, knees pleading for me to sit down, and arms that wanted to hang on to my friend for dear life.

Turning slowly, I glanced over my shoulder and tried to hide the reverence in my voice. “Alex.”

He looked tired, so tired. His eyes were puffy and his skin was grey, but he somehow managed to pull it off. I doubted anyone else in this place would have noticed anything different about him. I did.

Pressing his fist up to his mouth, he coughed weakly and glanced up through his thick eyebrows. “Could I have a word?”

Sammy’s eyes were wide when I looked her way, and they were currently flickering between Alex and me in complete confusion.

“Sammy? Do you mind?” I asked politely. It seemed like the right thing to do, even though I knew I was going to go to him anyway.

“Huh?” she answered, snapping her head in my direction as if she’d just woken up. “Oh, shit. No. No, don’t mind me at all. I, umm… You guys go do your thing.” Her arms were flailing everywhere as she untangled herself from me and began to walk away. “I’ll be… in the common room, you know, if you need me for… yeah.”

I began to chew the inside of my mouth when I turned back to face him. Seeing Alex was hard. All that flooded my mind were the images of those lips against my skin, those eyes staring into mine, those arms holding me tight. Seeing something I wanted so badly but wasn’t certain I could ever have again was like dangling a carrot above a rabbit and asking it not to twitch its whiskers.

“You’re back for school?”

“Not for long.”

“Oh.”

“You look well,” he stated calmly.

“Thank you.” I shuffled my bag farther onto my shoulder and tilted my head to one side. “Wish I could say the same for you, though.”

“I look that bad?”

“You look a little tired.” Or troubled, I wanted to add, somehow stopping myself for fear of what he might say.

Alex ran his hand up the back of his head before he came closer. Close enough that only I could hear him, but not enough for me to get the wrong idea, I assumed. “I’ve not really slept since… you know.”

“Since we had sex?”

His eyes shot up to mine instantly.

“I’m sorry it’s weighing on your mind so heavily.”

“Natalie, we need to talk about what happened.”

“Talking isn't going to change anything.”

“Please don't fight me on this.”

“I’m not fighting you.” I smiled, aware that it probably looked more like I was in pain. “But I’ve already said everything I need to say. My feelings for you haven’t changed, so unless yours have, there really isn’t anything to talk about.”

“It's that easy for you?”

“You were honest with me. I knew what I was getting myself into. I remember everything you said and how long I was allowed to be with you for, and I don’t regret it. Just one night, remember?”

“Oh, I remember,” he mumbled, running a hand up and down the back of his neck furiously as he became more agitated.

“Then I guess the rest is up to me to deal with.”

“And you can sleep soundly at night?”

“I wouldn't go that far,” I admitted through a sad smile while struggling to hide the trembling of my chin. “I find it hard to sleep, too, but that’s only because my brain refuses to stop showing me every single detail of that night over and over and over again.”

“Every detail?”

“Every.”

“You've relived it all?”

“Many times.”

“And not a single part of it has made you hate me yet?”

“Hate you?” I frowned, pulling my chin back in confusion as I studied his face. “I couldn't hate you. I have nothing to hate you for, Alex.”

“How about the fact that we didn’t use any protection?”

My skin paled within a second. There was a small shiver of fear that crawled over every inch of skin I owned as I stared up at him in astonishment and held my breath.

In all the time I’d spent thinking about our night together, after all the replays I’d allowed to roll out in my mind, after the dreams, the overanalysing, the memorising of every single touch… I hadn’t once thought anything about the fact that we hadn’t been safe. My eyes searched his frantically, and everything around me suddenly became blurry as the panic set in.

“Natalie?” he croaked, leaning in closer. “You need to breathe.”

I didn’t. I couldn’t. My chest ached and the air was suddenly so thin, I felt like someone had just wrapped a plastic bag around my head and was squeezing it tight.

“Wh–”

“That’s why I’ve come back today.”

“Wha–”

“I’ve felt so guilty, so fucking guilty. I can’t even sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t do anything.”

“Wher–”

“Do you need to sit down?”

“I…”

His hands reached up to grab my arms and hold me in place, but I couldn’t focus on anything apart from my stomach all of a sudden. Surely if anything had happened I would feel it? I would feel different, or aware of at least…

Holy shit.

As I found some movement in my lips, my eyelashes fluttered furiously and I looked up at him and stared. “What exactly are you saying to me?”

His quiet sigh of resignation washed over my face. “I’m saying that we were stupid, and you need to go get checked.”

“Checked?” I ground out a little too loudly. “Checked for what? Are you telling me I could have caught some kind of goddamn STI from you?”

Alex frowned hard as soon as the words left my mouth, gripping me even tighter. I was in his grip completely, my body limp, only being held up by the strength and tension in his arms as he leaned over me. “Are you fucking serious right now? You have no idea, do you?”

“About what?”

“Me, Nat. Me!”

Shaking my head, I stared at him in annoyance and scowled. “Nothing you’ve said lately has made any sense to me.”

The double doors behind us creaked open, but before anyone could see either of us, Alex had looked up over my head, caught sight of the people about to interrupt our moment and quickly pulled us down the side of two rows of lockers. Pushing me up against them, he crouched at the knees and lowered his face until his eyes were level with mine. He didn’t once let me go. He knew as well as I did, the moment his arms left mine, I’d be on the floor in a crumpled heap.

“The only thing you have to worry about is pregnancy. I promise you.”

I paused, completely caught up in the tornado of his words that were bashing around in my mind, not letting any one thing settle down and fall into place. “How can you be so sure?”

“I’ve never slept with anyone before you.”

My sharp intake of breath got stuck in my throat as I gazed into his eyes. I didn't know why or how or even when I ever came to the conclusion that Alex had been with someone before me. I guess the idea of him not having a million women banging his door down just seemed ridiculous. A guy like him could have had anyone he wanted. He could have had anything.

“I was your first?”

“My one and only,” he confirmed quietly. His eyes turned down at the corners, and I could feel the sadness pouring out of him, out of both of us. We were two souls I was certain were connected so deeply, it hurt to be apart, but there was something stopping us from being together. Something that was out of my control and somehow out of his, too.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I guess I thought you already knew.” Alex tore his gaze away first, letting his chin drop to his chest as he stared down at the floor. “I’ve made a mess of everything,” he muttered.

I wanted to reach out and touch him, caress his hair and somehow ease his frustrations, but I was pinned in place and currently unable to feel my own feet.

“I’ll get checked,” I said quietly, swallowing down the gut-wrenching fear that there was even a small chance that I was seventeen years old and knocked up. “I’ll… I’ll figure something out.”

Looking back up through sad eyes, he began to stand, easing the pressure on my arms before he eventually pulled away altogether. The weight of my entire body leaned back against the lockers. I wasn’t quite ready to trust my legs just yet.

Alex continued to look down on me before he brought his hand up to lightly grip my chin between his finger and thumb. “In the summerhouse you told me to show you what I felt for you. Did you feel what I couldn’t say that night?”

“Yes,” I whispered. At the time, I thought I did.

“I’m glad you know that I wanted you.”

“Wanted?” Not want.

His sad smile was like a knife straight to my chest. “I have to go.”

“Of course you do.”

“My father is in the head's office.”

His father was here – the man who threw him around and hit him like he meant nothing at all, like he wasn’t the most important, most amazing person on this earth.

I glared at him, unable to understand what the hell was going on in his life or with those parents of his. Was his father the thing standing between us? Was he the reason that I couldn’t have the fairy tale that Sammy had promised me?

“Why is he here?”

“He’s making arrangements. I’ll be taking the rest of the year off. Home study.”

“You can't do that. You have a life in this place. Your friends, your football, basketball, all that stuff you love so much.” Me. You have me.

“There's only a few weeks left. The end of year classes are always more like study periods anyway. It's no big deal.”

“Is this because of me?” I asked, swallowing quietly as I tried to keep myself composed.

Exhaling sharply through his nose, he shook his head and leaned forward to kiss the top of my head. Another goodbye was approaching. I could feel it, so I closed my eyes and let my fingers reach out to brush his thigh, allowing myself to steal one last touch of his body.

“It’s for you, not because of you.”

I had no idea what that meant. My mind was drowning in the ocean of riddles he was pouring over me.

“Please stay safe.” It was pathetic and it was weak, but it was all that I could think to say.

“Always.”

I knew I couldn’t watch him walk away from me again, so I stayed where I was and let the warmth of his presence fade away until everything around me turned cold once more. When I was certain he had gone, and I was left all alone, my head fell back against the lockers with a thud and my arms curled around my stomach before I sank down the cool metal surface and landed with a thud on the floor.

How did I get here?

More importantly, how the hell was I going to get out without him?