I clung to him with no reservations whatsoever. My head hung low, curled into his chest when I heard the opening of a door, followed by it slamming shut behind us. Then he stopped moving. Alex’s hands only seemed to grip me tighter as the darkness wrapped itself around us, along with the quiet of being locked away from everyone else beyond that door.

My fingers began to claw at his shirt, only slowly at first, but they wanted to move, to explore, even though the rest of me felt like I could stay still in his arms forever.

“It’s been so long,” I whispered, pressing my cheek into him as I spoke. My voice was hoarse, weak, and unashamed with its emotion. “Five years away from you has been too long.”

Alex didn’t speak, but I felt the breath he sucked in before he let his lips fall gently to the top of my head.

“I’m so tired of pretending,” I confessed.

He exhaled into my hair as he held me.

“I hate you,” I told him quietly.

“I hate me, too.”

“I hate that you turned me into this person.”

“I know.”

“I hate that you made me walk away.”

“I know.”

“I hate that, even though I know it’s wrong and so many people will get hurt, all I can think about is how much I want to stay here, like this, forever.”

Alex tightened his hold on me, but it was impossible for me to get any closer. Not without taking our clothes off. He began to move slowly, his feet scuffing over the carpet of his room before he managed to knock the switch on the wall enough with his shoulder, lighting the centre of the room up with a diluted, almost romantic glow.

“You want to sit down?”

“I don’t think you will be able to hold me for much longer.”

“I will stand here holding you all night if you tell me that’s what you want.”

The edge to his voice had me tipping my head backwards so I could get a good look at him. I didn’t care that my makeup had probably run down both my cheeks. I didn’t care that I looked a mess or that he was a little blurry through the remnants of my tears. All I cared about was seeing him, and when I stared up into his eyes, I knew he wasn’t joking. I knew that if I asked him to, he would hold me up in his arms all night.

“We can sit.”

Placing me down on the bed, Alex eventually pulled away and I missed the heat and safety of his embrace instantly.

“I didn’t know where else to bring you. You can leave at any time. I just thought you needed some space – space away from everyone who knows you so well.”

“Now you want to give me space?” I chuckled through a mixture of leftover tears and mild hysteria. “You need to make your mind up.”

“Not space from me. If I could have my own way, I’d be sitting on the bed beside you.”

My eyes fell to the empty space next to me, not moving as I spoke. “I’d like that.”

His heavy exhale filled the room once again before he slowly came into view. The bed dipped where he sat, and I inhaled that beautiful smell of his the same way I always did when he was around.

Alex’s hands fell between his parted thighs, and I wondered what it would feel like for them to be against my naked skin again, just like when his finger had trailed the length of my spine at the bar.

“I hate seeing you like this,” he whispered.

Reaching out carefully, I slipped my fingers along his bare forearm where he’d rolled his sleeves up, and I stroked my way up to his hand before I paused.

“I’ve dreamed of being next to you like this so many times since I walked away from you.”

“I’ve dreamed of you,” he told me.

Turning his hand over, I dragged my nail around the middle of it, creating an endless figure of eight infinity sign on his palm as slowly as I could manage. It looked beautiful, even though it was invisible. Just like this love we had for each other was beautiful, but we couldn’t ever allow ourselves to show it.

“I’ve dreamed of these hands holding my face.” I paused, looking up at him through my heavy lashes as the full force of his beauty hit me like a knife in the heart.

Those eyes of his flickered wildly, searching mine in confusion, but before I could wait for him to speak or begin to question my own actions, I was lifting both his hands and guiding them to my cheeks. Part of me was desperate to keep watching his reactions. I wanted to enjoy the way his mouth parted, the way his pupils dilated, but the moment both my cheeks were in his palms, I couldn’t do anything but close my eyes and embrace the warmth. A contented sigh escaped me before I allowed myself to smile softly.

“What else have you dreamed of?” he asked, his voice husky and unsure.

Turning my cheek in his grip, I inhaled slowly, suddenly not caring how I looked as five long, tiresome years caught up with me and beat all my barriers down.

“So many things.”

“Tell me.”

“I’ve dreamed of waking up next to you every morning, of never doubting myself or thinking that I’ve somehow remembered you all wrong.”

“I could never forget you.”

I smiled, running my fingers up between his as I held him while he held me. “I dreamed of us touching each other like this. Just the little reassurances, those safety net moments, your hands caressing my neck whenever you saw that I was struggling, tired or I’d had a bad day. I’ve dreamed of us walking down the road, hand in hand, unashamed, unafraid, not shy or unsure, just completely in love.”

Alex let one of his hands slip down to cup my neck, forcing my breath to get lodged in my throat. There wasn’t anything about him touching me that I didn’t like. There wasn’t anything about it that I didn’t crave. Yet I knew I looked in pain to him. I must have. My brows furrowed together as my heart rate got wilder and wilder. He tried to pull away. It was just a small flinch, a flutter of his palm against me as he second-guessed himself.

“Please,” I begged quietly. “Don’t leave me.”

“I’m here.”

“For how long?”

“As long as you want me.”

“And if I asked you to kiss me, would you?” My eyes fluttered open, desperate to see him.

His lips parted, his chest heaving up and down as he answered. “That depends.”

“On?”

“Whether you’d expect me to be able to stop.”

“I miss you,” I whispered, my bottom lip trembling. “I don’t want to, but I do.”

“I should never have put this on you. I should never have let you go.”

“But you did. You did, and I let you go, too. Maybe we didn’t fight enough, either of us. I just want…”

Alex’s head dipped closer, his fingers rolling along my skin to sooth me. “Tell me what you want.”

My eyes flickered up to his, and for once in my adult life, I felt my own needs take over everyone else’s. I became the priority. So did he. “I want you to undress me.”

“What?” he breathed out. “Natalie…”

I brought a finger to his lips quickly, not wanting him to talk me out of it because I knew in that moment, I wanted it. I wanted all of it. I wanted him. All I could do was swallow down all those fears of tomorrow and live for the now.

“I never said anything about us making love, or having sex, or…” My voice trailed off as I worried my teeth over my bottom lip before I found the right words. “Just let me pretend we’re seventeen again, Alex. Let me pretend it’s that night and we’ve just got out of the rain. One more time. Let me see you laying over me, both of us naked. Let me…”

I was being selfish and I knew it, and somewhere between all my rambling, Alex had frozen. His eyes searched mine once again before something inside him fell into place. With a single nod of his head, he pulled in a deep breath and let both his hands slide down to the thin straps that sat on my shoulders. There was a trembling motion coming from somewhere, and it was only when I breathed in that I realised the shaking was coming from me.

The spaghetti straps of my dress were pushed as far down as they could go, and even though I wanted to close my eyes, let my head fall back and enjoy the simple sensation of him undressing me – to feel his rough hands on my soft skin – I forced myself to stay as present as I could be.

Alex pushed himself off the bed slowly, standing before he held both his hands out to take mine. I let him lead, slipping my palms over his and allowing him to pull me up. Then we were just a boy and a girl again: him, strong and confident – me, shaking and weak. My knees trembled, and I felt more vulnerable than ever before, but the slight smile Alex was wearing calmed me and I found myself focusing on his lips as he spoke.

“Are you sure you want this?” he asked quietly.

“Only if you want me.”

“You’re all I’ve ever wanted.”

Alex ran his fingers over the edge of my dress before his hands slid up to my arms, pushing them both in the air and holding them there. His eyes were on mine the whole time as he let one hand fall to roll down my dress, his thumb hooking into the material that hugged my hips so he could lift it down without catching me. When he let it fall freely, the dress pooled around my feet, and Alex took it upon himself to guide my arms back down until he held my hands in his grip once more.

“Step out of it for me,” he breathed quietly. And I did exactly as I was told. My shaky exhale showed more nerves than I truly felt, and I couldn’t help but wonder why he wasn’t looking at my almost naked body as I stood before him.

Reluctantly pulling away from me, he began to slowly undress himself, starting with the buttons on his shirt. It was the perfect distraction I needed, and as I watched his hands get to work, I wished I could be the one undressing him – that I could be the one to strip him bare.

I couldn’t take my eyes off him. Flashes of orange, memories of us stepping out of the rain, of ragged breaths, absolute love and lust whizzed through my mind. I was here with him, but I was back there with him, too. Our history was here in our present. It was all around us.

As he continued to undress himself, I let my attention drift to his chest like it had done all those years before. The mottled skin and scars were there, along with some other battle marks that I didn’t remember seeing before, but the light of the room we were standing in only flattered him, casting shadows in all the right places, lighting the silhouette of his body from behind. The second his hand moved to unbuckle his belt, my breaths became more urgent. Alex didn’t rush as he pulled down his trousers; he never paused, either. My eyes went on a journey of discovery, searching him from head to foot as I tried desperately to commit it all to memory. His muscular legs, his defined abs, tanned chest and everything else I’d spent far too many days and nights dreaming of – it was all there. It was even better than I remembered, even better than I’d imagined it could ever be.

“You’re beautiful,” I told him.

“Nobody could look as beautiful as you do, right now.” The tone of his voice, that voice that I remembered from five years ago, that voice that sounded pure and less scathed by reality – it called to me. There wasn’t anything behind his words but honesty, and as I looked back up into his eyes, all I could do was stare at him as relief washed over me. He was still in there. My Alex was still in there. He still wanted me. He was making me unafraid to fall again.

I felt beautiful under his adoration. The way he looked at me like he couldn’t believe what I had asked him to do only seemed to spur me on. For just one simple second, I was wild and guilt free. I didn’t say anything else as I stepped out of my high shoes, subtly kicking them to the side before I sucked in a breath and waited.

Alex’s nostrils flared and he pushed out his chest, swallowing loudly. I could tell what he was thinking. I was thinking the same thing, too. Do we stop now before we do something we’ll regret?

There was only one way for me to answer his unspoken question.

Hooking my thumbs into the edges of my thong, I pushed it down, until I was as exposed and as naked as I could be in front of him.

One last time.

His eyes stayed locked on mine until he eventually followed my lead, removing his last item of clothing, and then he was naked, too.

There was something about seeing him that way, something pure and open, vulnerable and true. My legs felt weak just from looking at him, so I used that as my cue to lie back down on the bed. We never once broke eye contact, not even when I laid my head back, resting it on the pillow behind me until my wavy hair spread out all around my shoulders.

“Come closer to me,” I whispered through dry lips that barely moved to speak. My hand twitched at the edge of the bed, inviting him forward, and even though it was against all the rules I’d ever set for myself, I allowed my fingers to brush over his bare thigh when he finally came to stand beside me.

I couldn’t miss the subtle ticking of his jaw as he fought to stay in control, and I knew that I was asking too much of him. It was a ridiculous act we were about to be a part of, but one I couldn’t have stopped from happening, even if I’d wanted to. Blowing all the air out of his cheeks, Alex eventually let his eyes fall from mine until they arrived at the curve of my neck. He tilted his head and let his struggles show on his face.

“Talk to me, Alex.”

His gaze continued to travel south, and as I watched, he studied me desperately, drinking in the entirety of my body. He was also growing harder and harder by the second. My stomach responded the only way it knew how to around him. Those blessed butterflies soared away as the muscles contracted painfully tight, trying to keep them in their safety net. But they were having none of it. They wanted free. They wanted to dance all through my body and bring it to life under his scrutiny. They wanted to make my nipples tighten, my skin prickle with desire and my cheeks flush red, which made it almost impossible for me to keep my want from turning into desperate, spine curling need.

“I’ve had many dreams of my own, but none of them have ever done you justice, it appears. If…” Alex stopped, a small frown taking over his face as he brought a finger up to my hip bone, letting it linger there like a hot poker that I wanted to burn me alive. “If I could make you mine, I would,” he said, his voice falling flat. “I would do anything… anything to make things right, Natalie. I would do anything to make you happy, like I should have done the first time around. I would fucking give up the rest of my life if it meant I could fall asleep in your arms just one last time, let alone make love to you or fuck you the way I want to.”

His eyes slowly found mine again, and my expression was a perfect reflection of his, our heartache coming together, tearing new wounds through our already fragile, beat-up hearts.

“I don’t think I can do this without touching you,” he confessed.

“Try,” I begged him in a quiet breath. “This is all I can have of you. Just one last goodbye.”

“I don’t want to say goodbye,” he croaked.

“Please, Alex.”

Our stare off was intense, and his breaths turned faster, almost too fast before he locked all the tension down in his jaw and finally gave in to me. His knees sank into the mattress until he was kneeling at my feet.

“I’m sorry,” I mouthed, not making a sound.

Something shifted in him then. Something, as he looked up into my eyes from under his long, thick lashes, kicked in. The sorrow still lingered there, but it was being challenged by something else. Something I wasn’t sure either one of us was going to be able to come out of in one piece.

Lust.

“You want it just like before?” he asked me softly.

“Yes.”

“Part your legs.”

Alex’s face set to stone as he pushed his shoulders back. I froze, my eyes widening as I watched him for a moment too long. A moment he didn’t want to waste as he reached for my ankles, before parting my legs for me.

There was a huge part of me that knew that if he tried to make love to me again, I was too weak to stop him, but before I could open my mouth to protest about how exposed I now felt, Alex was crawling forward, coming into position between my thighs. I stared at him in awe as I watched all my dreams culminate into this one moment.

“If you want it just like that night in the summerhouse, if you want me laying over you that way, I need to be here,” he whispered. “I need to be close.”

I nodded, swallowing down my trepidation. Both my hands flew to my stomach, creating a wall between us as I tried to control the pain that was gathering there. Alex’s arms came to rest down by my waist, before he slid them up the bed until his entire body was over me, caging me in, only an inch between our naked skin as he kept himself hovering above me.

This was it. This was the moment.

The ends of his beautiful, copper hair fell forward, just the same way they had back then. His eyes twinkled in the dim light of the room, while his muscles worked hard to keep the pressure of his body from mine. His bottom lip trembled slightly until he bit down on it and searched my eyes, waiting for his next instruction.

Everything I thought I wanted was here. All those nights I’d dreamed of this, of seeing him above me just one last time, and now that it was happening, it was more painful than I could ever have imagined. I wanted him. Good God, I wanted him so badly it hurt. How could something and somebody that felt so right to me be so wrong?

Without warning, my chin began to tremble, and the inevitable tears collected in the pockets of my eyes as I stared up at the man I was inescapably in love with.

His breaths washed over both my cheeks in turn, his lips tracing my face as closely as they could.

“Do you feel what I feel when we’re like this? Do you feel that calm? That certainty that this is something…”

“Special,” I finished for him.

“Special,” he whispered back, relief flooding his voice. “Just close your eyes and fall. Fall backwards in your mind and tell me who you see catching you. Is it him… or is it me?”

My skin prickled to life, but I did as I was told as the truth in my heart banged its fists against my chest, and the years of pent up frustration and pretence manifested into unshed tears that sat in my eyes, waiting to fall.

“It’s always been you.”

Alex’s arms tightened, his forehead closing the gap until it fell to rest against mine. I gasped at my need for him. I ached as I turned my face under his, our noses sliding together, pressing down like two pieces of a puzzle that had been looking for one another for far too long. Even though his body still hovered above mine, he was close enough for me to feel the heat from his skin, and our breaths were no longer wasting time in mingling together. They were ragged and desperate, unafraid of the rules and unashamed to betray them. I could taste him in my mouth, his life, his energy and desires. They floated onto my tongue, trying to tempt me back to him. I didn’t need tempting at all.

Looking up into his eyes, the reflection of his own unshed tears stared back at me.

All the things we could have been together – my alternate life – it all shone down on me, and there was no way I would ever be able to pretend again. I mourned what had never been as I stared up at a man I’d never stopped loving.

Not even for a second.

The reality of not being able to have our time all over again proved too much and I couldn’t stop the tear as it fell from the corner of my eye. I couldn’t stop pulling my face away from his and turning to the side. I couldn’t stop the moment I sank my teeth against his bicep to choke back the cry that was desperate to break free.

Alex’s head fell into the crook of my neck, and his lips brushed against my skin just enough to coax a strangled whimper from my mouth.

“I’m sorry,” he broke. “I’m so fucking sorry, Natalie. I want to be inside you so fucking bad, and I’m not making your life any easier. I’m hurting you all over again.”

I swallowed painfully, my eyes squeezing shut as I pressed my forehead against the strong muscles of his arm.

“Just hold me, Alex.”

He pulled back to look down on me, and as soon as our eyes connected again, another tear rolled free.

“Please,” I croaked. “I need you to close the gap and hold me.”

With another small nod, he lowered his body onto mine. Alex didn’t look away from me until he had to, and the moment his strong arms wrapped around me, cocooning me beneath him like I was the most important thing he’d ever held in his hands, everything quietened in my mind once more.

I felt safe when I was in the middle of one of the most dangerous situations I’d ever been in.

I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how any of this would end, but as I pushed my face into Alex’s chest and inhaled all of him, I knew there was one absolute certainty I couldn’t get away from.

I would always love this man.

I’d been wrong when I was younger. There was only a before Alex Law. There would never be an after. Whether it was right or whether it was wrong, he would always be a part of my today.