I wasn’t sure when I’d crossed over from existing to living then back to existing again, but as I jogged quietly up the stairs of our house, I was definitely moving on auto. I wasn’t making any decisions about anything as I threw my rucksack onto my bed and went to stare out of my bedroom window. It was another relatively warm afternoon, so I had no real excuse for the chill on my skin that was refusing to go away.

As I pressed my hands against the window ledge and looked out onto the sprawling lawn, I saw both my parents going about their business as usual. Gardening was their thing. Since Lizzy had passed away, they’d found solace in nurturing and bringing other things to life. I watched them both as they worked together in silence. With their backs to each other, both crouched down on the floor, they handed spades and trowels across back and forth, neither one needing to talk as they handled the plants, dug up the soil and watered the thirsty leaves.

Anyone who saw them like this would be able to see the love they had for one another. There were no grand gestures or declarations, but it was clear to see from the subtle smiles they shared over their shoulders and the way they held on to each other a moment longer than necessary when their fingers brushed together during a task. My dad found a way to reach out to Mum as much as possible, and her cheeks always managed to blush just enough for him to know how much she enjoyed his attentiveness.

They were in love.

After all they’d faced together, after all that had tried to tear them apart, they were in love now more than ever before.

Something about that very fact made me happy, yet also incredibly sad.

Would I ever find a bond as strong as theirs? Or had I already found it, and was I letting it go without so much as a fight?

Blowing out all the air in my lungs, I looked down to my stomach and stared at it with uncertainty. There was a chance, however big or small, that I could be pregnant. There was a chance, however big or small, that I could be carrying a life inside of me.

My hands reached up to grace the edges of my stomach slowly, before the reality of what I was doing sank in, and I quickly let them fall down by my sides. That all too familiar chill rolled down my spine again and I knew there was only one place left for me to go.

It didn’t take me long to draw a bath, and when the bubbles were so high I knew they would reach up to my chin, I stripped out of my clothes and sank into the water to revel in its comforting heat. This had always been my go to place whenever things became too much for me. Granted, given the fact I’d always been so insular, those times were few and far between, but it seemed like I was paying the price for that lately. Everything I’d ever run from, all those times I’d made like an ostrich and buried my head in the sand, they were all catching up with me now.

I’d loved, I’d lost and now I was left to wonder, all within the space of just over a year.

This is real life, I thought to myself. This is the way it’s always been for everyone. I’ve just always been lucky enough to have parents that shielded me from the world until the world caught up with me.

Unlike Alex.

It was at that point that I let my head drop back against the bathtub and I closed my eyes.

“Natalie, darling?” my mother whispered from the other side of the door.

If anyone had given me the option to avoid facing my parents for the next few weeks without any consequences at all, I would have taken that option an hour ago.

But just hearing her voice seemed to make my heart skip a beat as I stared at the door and remained silent.

Her hands, adorned with rings, clanked against the wooden door as she reached up to press herself against it. “Are you okay, sweetheart?”

“I’m fine, Mum,” I called back.

She didn’t answer me straightaway, but I could hear the hint of sadness in her voice when she eventually spoke again. “You mind if I come in? Your old mum has seen it all before.”

I smiled to myself and lifted my head. “I think I have enough bubbles in here to cover up anything you haven’t seen anyway. Come in.”

She pushed through wearing a sympathetic smile on her face, her eyes popping wide when she saw just how many bubbles really did occupy my bath. “Well, at least I don’t have to turn away or provide you with a few rubber duckies to cover your more intimate parts.”

“We have rubber ducks?” I asked with far too much excitement, watching her as she came to perch on the edge of the toilet opposite me.

“I have everything from yours and Elizabeth’s childhood.”

“I should have realised. The garage is overloaded with our memory boxes.”

“And the attic.”

“The cellar, too?”

“I won’t tell you about the small storage unit I rent out over in Morley, darling.”

Elizabeth had been an achiever since the day she was born. Growing up, I remembered her certificates covering almost every wall in the house, and trophies scattered across every surface as she continued to shine brightly in this world.

“Elizabeth had a lot of stuff,” I said, unable to hide the hint of sadness in my voice.

Mum’s hands came together as she leaned forward and her eyes tried to catch mine. “She was an amazing child, teenager and woman. I couldn’t have loved her more or been prouder of her if she’d lived to be a hundred and twelve years old.”

“How she’d have hated all those wrinkles.” I swallowed down quietly, unable to stop myself from smiling just a little bit at the thought of her growing old with me.

“And varicose veins.”

“Grey hairs.”

“Saggy breasts and underwear big enough to camp in.”

Pressing my mouth into a flat line, I gazed up at Mum and tried to hold back the laughter, but just as it always did when we spoke about Lizzy, our emotions got the better of us until we had to let it free.

“She was particular about her underwear,” I agreed, wishing she was there.

“She was particular about so many things,” Mum said wistfully, a small v forming across her forehead as she stared down at the floor. “Especially her little sister.”

Those damn tears saw their opportunity like a hawk. My eyes filled instantly, but I tried to hold them down, cursing my emotions for always being all over the place lately.

“She always made me feel loved.”

“What’s wrong, Natalie?” Mum eventually whispered, the question falling from her lips as though it had been hanging there for an eternity, desperate to fall free.

“Wrong?”

“I may not always talk as much as your father does. I may not always say what I want to say, or actually say anything at all, but that doesn’t mean I don’t see.”

“What do you see?” I asked her quietly.

She sighed, and her smile turned sad all over again. “I see my little girl looking lost. I see you every day, the pain you try to hide from the rest of us. I see that things looked up for you for a while back there when a sweet boy entered your life, but I see now that things maybe haven’t quite worked out the way you wanted them to and that pain has returned to haunt you all over again.”

I remained quiet, unable to do anything as I tried to fight the tears off and stay strong in front of her.

“It’s times like these that I wish Elizabeth was still here for you. She was so much better at all of this than I was... am. There wasn’t a single day that went by where she didn’t communicate with us on your behalf, just so you didn’t have to. Everything you ever thought or felt, she thought and felt, too. She had a sixth sense about everything when it came to you. It was as though she knew your future, and she knew what path you had to take. You never had to tell her what was wrong. She knew.”

The trembling of my chin as I fought to stay in control only made my vision blur even more.

“I remember once,” Mum breathed out through a small chuckle, “we were all sat around the dinner table. I think you must have been eight, and Elizabeth was eighteen and due to go out that night with a boy she had just started dating, only you didn’t want her to go. You’d barely said two words to each other since you’d both walked back through the door from school and college. You were having a silent little strop over something, and not for love, nor money, could your father or I figure out what was wrong. ‘Is it school, sweetheart?’ I badgered you. ‘Are you being bullied? Is there a teacher there you don’t like? Are you struggling with maths or your spellings?’ But all you would give me was a scowl, much like the one you’re giving me now, and a shake of your head.”

My face relaxed immediately, but I was too engrossed in the story to speak, so I smiled weakly in apology and waited.

“It was only when we sat down at the dinner table that the truth finally came out. You wouldn’t pick your knife and fork up or entertain eating in any way, shape or form. I think Elizabeth had just about had enough when your father asked if you wanted him to make a sandwich for you instead of whatever it was that I’d made.” Mum’s voice was beginning to crack as she leaned even farther forward and turned it into a whisper. “Lizzy slammed her cutlery down, rolled her eyes and planted her arms on the table like she was the head of the family. ‘Mother, isn’t it obvious what’s wrong with her?’ she said, making me feel rather small and useless for a moment. ‘Surely you can tell just by looking at her. Natalie is in love.’” Mum sat upright again, the words in love floating through the air like they were echoing off the walls to taunt me.

“In love?”

She nodded just the once, straightening her back as she sighed heavily and smiled. “Justin McCormack, I believe his name was. He was on some opposing football team from another school, and you’d fallen over during your match that very day, and he, in turn, had run over to help you, only for you to brush him off and warn him very firmly that you were not a girl that needed a boy’s help.”

“I remember that.” I gasped, looking up as my eyelashes fluttered wildly against the tears in my eyes.

“And that was that as far as Elizabeth was concerned. She knew you were in love before you'd even realised it yourself. She put it out there, picked up where she’d left off, and tucked into her food like she didn’t have three pairs of eyes staring at her – like we weren’t all sat there opened mouthed and a little stunned.”

“What happened?” I asked eagerly, pushing myself up in the bath even higher.

“Well, after cries of denial, you ran upstairs after telling Elizabeth that you hoped she slipped on a slug and her boobies fell out of her bra while she was on her date. Your father ran after you and I stayed at the table, staring at your big sister like she held all the answers to motherhood and had been keeping them from me.”

“She always seemed to know what I was thinking before I really knew myself.”

“Her sixth sense was razor sharp. A little eerie at times, but she seemed to know so much more about the world than the rest of us. That night was no exception. When she finished her food and stood to take her plate to the kitchen, I remember calling out her name and asking her just how she had known about the boy when she hadn’t seen you or spoken to you all day long. Not one of us had told her. I was truly perplexed.”

“What did she tell you?”

Releasing all the air she held tight in her chest, my mother rose to stand over me, her hand brushing through the ends of my hair before she pushed it back behind my ear and smiled. “She said, ‘Mum, it’s really not that hard to see. Natalie may think she’s shutting the world out, but if you look close enough, it’s all there on display. She looks just like you when she’s in love.’ I asked her what I looked like, completely unaware that I obviously gave myself away as much as I did to you all. Elizabeth spun around on her fancy heels, leaned against the doorframe and gave me the biggest look of approval I’d ever seen shine from her face. She said, ‘She looks like she’s trying to figure out a way to make him happy, like you look at Dad every single minute of every single day. Her cheeks go pink and her eyes turn down like she’s sad when actually, she’s nowhere near sad at all. She’s just trying to make sure no one else in the room can hear her heart hammering away, the way she can hear it.’”

Right on cue, my heart began to pick up pace, beating even harder than it already had been doing. I swallowed down the huge lump in my throat but I was unable to hold back the tears that slipped gently out of each corner of my eye. “Is that how you feel about Dad, Mum?”

“Every day of my life, Natalie.” She smiled, catching a tear with her thumb. “And ever since Elizabeth gave me that heads up, I’ve been waiting to see that look on your face again. Now that it’s here, it’s more obvious than ever. You love Alex?”

“Yes,” I croaked.

“But it’s difficult for you both now?”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. I’m the one that needs to say something to you.”

Staring up at her, I rubbed my lips together with worry and waited.

“Real love, the love that seeps deep down into your bones, it’s awkward. It’s complicated and it’s raw. There’s no such thing as being swept off your feet and magical happily ever afters, as beautiful as those stories are. You have to learn to find a way to carry each other when it’s time, but also let each other wander when it’s needed, too. Whatever it is you’re both going through, whether alone or together, no matter how big or small, simple or painful, whether it's a dream or a nightmare, soul mates never stay apart for long. These things have a way of fixing themselves over time, and I want you to know that I’m always here for you. I’m always around, and even though I’m not as natural as your sister was, I’m willing to step up and try to fill those giant shoes of hers if you’ll let me. I want to be both your mother and your sister. I want you to be able to tell me anything. Anything at all.”

My eyes closed as more tears tore down my face. I wasn’t sure if it was the sadness within me, the fear of the situation I might have been in, the loss of Alex and Lizzy or the happiness and warmth of the moment I was currently sharing with my mum. Whatever it was, and I believe it was probably a mixture of all those things, I finally cracked, reaching up to grab my mother’s hand as the words ‘I could be pregnant’ sat on the very tip of my tongue.

“I’m so lucky to have you,” I breathed as I squeezed her fingers tightly.

“No, darling,” she said, pressing her lips to the top of my head and speaking against it. “We’re the lucky ones. One day you’ll believe in yourself the way Elizabeth did. One day you’ll see that everything happens for a reason, but sometimes those reasons don’t show themselves until we’re much older and much wiser. Be brave, be strong and fight for what you believe in.”

“I’ll do my best.” I smiled.

Mum stood and turned to leave, pausing after just a few steps before looking back over her shoulder one last time. “That look Elizabeth said you and I both get when we’re in love… I choose to believe she saw that on your face the night she died. It’s the only explanation I have for her saying the things she said to you. If that was the case, then I need you to know that I don’t think there was any greater parting gift you could have given her than that. She may have always been there for you, but you were always there for her, too. I just don’t think you’ve ever realised how much life you gave her when you came along. All she ever wanted was for you to be happy.”

I stared up at her, unsure how to begin to explain how grateful I was to have had Lizzy in my life, too. “I’m glad you came to talk to me, Mum,” was all I could manage in a whisper. “Thank you.”

Her responding smile made my heart ache for the loss she endured daily.

When she left as quietly as she’d arrived, and I was left alone with a volcano of thoughts boiling over in my head and a mountain of bubbles sat in front of me, I forced myself to swallow back the emotion that was burning my throat. If Mum could smile after everything she’d been through, so could I.

It was time to stop crying.

One way or another, things were about to change in my life.

It was what Elizabeth would have told me to do – take charge.