The flashes of orange and yellow from the streetlights cast shadows on every surface inside the taxi, especially Marcus’ face. He sat opposite me on the pull out seat in the back of the black cab I’d run in front of, forcing it to a stop. Apparently, I’d been a little erratic in my escape, and even though he had been elsewhere with his friends, the minute he’d seen me, Marcus had chased after me, unprepared to let me leave alone. I hadn’t had the energy to argue. I had no energy left for anything, not even tears.

The silence in the back of the cab was so thick it felt like a knife would have trouble slicing through it. Marcus was staring at me, I was focusing on the outside world, and the taxi driver just looked bored.

Growing up, I’d always heard the age-old saying: ‘If you love somebody, you set them free.’

If

You

Love

Somebody

You

Set

Them

Free.

And here I was, setting free the man I loved limitlessly. It was the only thing I could do. I couldn’t force him to be with someone he didn’t want to be with, but that didn’t mean I wouldn’t miss him. It didn’t mean I didn’t miss him already. Without him, I felt alone no matter who was around me, and I had no real idea how that was possible, given I’d existed so long without him in my life. Had he filled the giant hole in my life that Lizzy left behind when she died? I wasn’t sure. But still, I knew that from the moment I walked away from him, the future was going to have to be about rebuilding myself, my soul, and my confidence. It was something I was willing to do. I would go through all the pain I had to. I would leave the good behind and take on the bad. I would do it all for him. He’d done so much good for me, despite the recent changes in him.

My thoughts were interrupted as our taxi hit a speed bump, forcing our bodies to sway and my head to rock too close to the window. The disturbance of the silence had me sneaking a glance at Marcus, and when I looked into his eyes, I saw a seriousness there that could have been a little intimidating, if only I’d had enough energy to care.

“You should have stayed at the club,” I said through dry, barely moving lips.

He didn’t respond straight away, and as the cab turned a corner and the colours of the night shone across his face once again, I was forced to take in every strong line on his jaw, every crease around his eyes, along with the worry that lived there, too.

“Fuck the club,” he answered quietly.

I managed a weak, half-smile before I turned away and looked back out through the window. It was easier that way. Blocking out the disbelief and panic in my mind was easier when I focused on other, unimportant things, like trees, or drunk people stumbling down the streets of Leeds.

“Sammy’s friends told me what happened before you marched off to find Alex,” he admitted.

“You got his name right. That’s refreshing,” I whispered.

“I have other names for him.”

“Don’t,” I pleaded almost silently. There was no way I was going to admit that I had other names for him, too, but hating him was only ever going to make everything harder. I was aiming for indifference and I was already failing. I dropped my eyes to my lap and watched as I twisted my fingers into knots just for something to do. “Alex isn’t a bad guy, Marcus. I need you to know that. He saved me.”

“And then he broke you again.”

“I’m not just some idiot with a teenage crush, even though I know that would be easier for everyone to understand. He means more than that.”

“One thing I would never call you is an idiot, Natalie.”

I allowed myself to look up at him again, and when his eyes searched mine, I saw the concern staring back at me. I saw it and I felt it hit me square in the chest. “Why are you so nice to me?”

“I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “I don’t see a reason to be anything other than nice to you.”

“Thank you.”

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

“No,” I told him with a small shake of my head. “It’s over.”

“And you got all the answers you needed?”

“Not really. Not even close, but what more can I do?”

Marcus’ jaw set tight, and before he leaned over, he brought his hands together to hang in between his parted legs. The colour of his eyes seemed to pop when he looked up at me through his dark, heavy lashes. “I’m going to tell you something that not even my little sister knows. I’ve been where you are, Nat. Recently, too. I’ve been there, and I know how it feels to get shit on from a great height. I know all about that frustration, that need to make things right, and how the confusion is burning you alive. It’s making you numb on the outside, but inside, you’re on fire, aren’t you? You’re at war with yourself and the noise of it all is growing louder by the second. That will always be there unless you get closure. It won’t just go away because he’s told you to stop feeling something for him. You want my honest opinion? If you want to have any hope of walking away from this with your head held high, if you want any chance of starting a new life without Alex being in it, make sure you’ve exhausted all avenues and got all the answers you can get before you cut him off. Otherwise, you’ll spend your whole life unhappy, wondering if there was something else you could have done. I don’t know about you, but I can’t imagine anything worse than a lifetime of what ifs.”

“Is that what you did, Marcus? Exhausted all avenues when it happened to you?”

“I like to think I did all I could do. She might disagree.”

“She?”

“... Isn’t important anymore.”

I smiled with sadness. “Then why do you look like you’re in as much pain as I am?”

“Old ghosts and bad memories, I guess.”

“I’m sorry you got hurt.”

“I’m sorry for you, too. You’ve got to dig deep now.”

“What more can I do?” I whispered as my brows creased together. “Alex won’t talk to me. He just says we can’t be together.”

“For what reason?”

“I can’t be certain – not one hundred percent.”

“Then you need to think a little harder.”

I paused and bit down on my lip in concentration. The entire conversation I’d had with Alex tonight replayed in my mind, along with all the other things he’d said and done in recent weeks. Everything changed the night I stood up to his father, and I knew, deep down, his mother was playing a part in this. I just couldn’t connect all the dots to figure out what could be so scary about two people loving each other with all that they had. I couldn’t figure out what was so wrong about loving a man so much that you’d fight a dragon for him. Not unless…

My lips parted slowly, and I blinked up at Marcus. “Do you mind if we take a detour?”

“Back to Alex?”

“No.” I gripped the door handle and scooted to the edge of my seat. “No, there’s someone else I need to speak to.”

“And when that’s done?”

Staring straight into his eyes, I answered him with all the conviction and fear that I truly felt in my heart. “Then I walk away forever.”

“Just like that?”

“It’s my last avenue. Once I’ve reached the end of it, the only place left to go is home.”

Marcus’ hand flew back to tap the clear screen that created a barrier between the taxi driver and us, but Marcus never took his eyes from me when he spoke. “We need to make a pit stop, mate. The lady will tell you where she needs to go.”

I couldn’t believe I was standing where I was. The alcohol had something to do with the bravery, of that I was positive, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t feel the trembling of my hands and knees as I stared at the door. It was late – too late to be doing what I was doing. Unfortunately for me, and for them, I was all out of other options.

My knock was short and sharp, and as soon as it was done, I took a step back and looked down at the ground. My hands found idle work to keep them occupied in the form of brushing away imaginary dirt from the fanned out section of my dress. Lizzy’s dress. It was like she was hugging me with her old fabric and holding my hands when she wasn’t even here. It was that thought that drove my fingers into the material until I was standing there gripping and squeezing the dress tightly.

The sound of the key turning slowly in the door had me swallowing quickly, and when the light poured out onto the pathway where I was standing, I allowed myself to look up and take them in.

It was a while before either one of us spoke, but the confusion on her face was obvious as she pulled the sash around her robe to make it a little tighter.

“What are you doing here?” she croaked, her scowl immediate as her face paled.

“Mrs. Law.”

“Do you have any idea what time it is?”

“I do, and I’m sorry about tha–”

Stepping forward, she glanced outside frantically, her head turning left then right, then left again until she’d scanned the whole street and her eyes finally settled on the black cab behind me – the one Marcus was sitting in patiently waiting, despite his protestations about coming and holding my hand for support.

“Why are you here?” she snapped. “Is it Alex? Is my son hurt?”

“No, no, Mrs. Law. It’s nothing like that. Alex is fine. He’s…”

Her eyes shot back to mine before she began to study them, and I wondered if she could see the hurt pouring out of my face as I struggled to find the right words to say.

“He’s what?”

My sigh was filled with sorrow and regret. “He’s safe. He’s out having... fun.”

“Then why on earth are you here? You of all people shouldn’t be here. You need to leave.”

“And I will.” I nodded slowly. “I will. I just need to know something before I walk away for good.”

“What could you possibly have to ask me?” she said in a hushed voice as she leaned forward. It didn’t take an expert in domestic abuse to know that she was living on the edge of her nerves, and here I was, possibly putting her in danger all over again… just like last time. Just like before.

Another reason for Alex to turn me away.

Scrunching my face up at the pain I was finally allowing myself to feel, I tilted my head to one side. “Why are you leaving? Why are you taking him away? Is it because of me? Because of what I did that day?”

Beatrice’s mouth fell in surprise, and I thought she was about to slam the door in my face and that was going to be that. But then something happened. Something I wasn’t expecting to see shone back at me and it was an emotion I’d previously hated, but now somehow found comfort in.

It was pity, and it was understanding.

She took a moment to look back over her shoulder to check inside the house before she eventually took a step outside and came closer towards me, pulling the door closed behind her so only a slither of light drew a battle line between the two of us.

Beatrice swallowed a couple of times before she wrapped her arms around her body and held onto herself for support.

“It’s Natalie, isn’t it?” she asked carefully.

“Yes.”

“Are you in love with my son, Natalie?”

“Yes.”

“I can see. I see how much trouble you’re having with that. Some love, no matter how beautiful, can be agonising. Alex sees your struggle, too.”

“I haven’t tried to hide it from him, Mrs. Law. I may be young and stupid, and I may speak before I think things through sometimes, but I have good intentions, and I only want the best for your son, whether that’s with or without me. If you’re taking him away because of me, you don’t have to do that. You don’t have to disrupt his life.”

“I don’t know how to answer your questions directly. For that, I’m sorry.”

“I just want the truth. I just need to know why one of the best people in my life is being taken away from me again.” My voice broke at the thought alone, and saying the words out loud was too much.

“Because this is what we do, darling. This is our life. The life of our family. We pick up when we get found out, and we move along. It’s all we can do. It’s who we are.”

“What?” I frowned hard. “What do you mean when you get found out?”

“When people know how we live because of Nicholas.”

“Alex’s father?”

“Yes. The man who you stood up to, like few people ever have done before. The man who hurt you right in front of his son. Don’t you see what that did to him? Alex was distraught, Natalie. Still is. That day he saw you in the middle of it all, it changed everything for him. We know you know of my husband’s problems. He’s an alcoholic and he’s an abuser. That’s not something that’s easy to live with.”

“I don’t understand. So the moment someone figures out what he’s like, you all hit the road and leave everyone you’ve ever loved behind?”

“I wasn’t aware my son loved anyone outside of this family.”

I shook my head with a small drop of disgust and a whole lot of disbelief. “I didn’t mean… I don’t…”

To my surprise, Beatrice stepped forward until there wasn’t any distance between us. Raising one hand to my shoulder, she gripped me tightly as if to reassure me, and it took all my strength not to push her away and scream in her face. How could she be so blasé about this? How could she be so selfish?

“I know you don’t like me very much, or Nicholas. I’m not asking you to approve. I’m not asking you to understand any of it. You just need to respect that this is our life.”

“You think this is fair to your son? You think this makes you a good mother?” I hit back without thought, and even though my voice was soft, I knew she heard the venom in there. I knew she heard it because I could taste it. It was coating my mouth, making me want to spit more words of disgust in her direction. “Where’s Alex’s choice in all this?”

“You don’t think Alex has a choice?”

“He’s seventeen. You’ve got him pinned and stuck to your side. You’ve glued him there with guilt and shame. Can’t you see that?”

Beatrice glanced back at the door. It was like a nervous twitch as she checked her surroundings every two minutes. She was always looking over her shoulder. The thought of Alex spending the rest of his life like that, too, made me sick.

“I love my son.”

“Then do the right thing, Mrs. Law. Get him away from all this.”

“All this?” she snapped as she turned back to stare down into my eyes. “All this is what he wants, Natalie. You just refuse to believe it. Despite what you saw that day, despite what you presume to already know, Alex loves his father dearly. He loves me dearly, too. You don’t think I haven’t tried to find a way out of this? To figure out a happy ending for all of us? There’s so much you don’t know, child. So much.”

“I know that I love Alex and I want him to be happy,” I admitted.

“Then let him go,” she mouthed, over pronouncing every word she spoke. “Let my son go.”

“It’s not easy to walk away from someone you want to save.”

Her smile came freely then, the sadness behind it shining out like a dull light of inevitability. “Which is why Alex will never walk away from his father. It’s why I will never walk away from him either. Don’t ask him to choose between you and his family. You can’t win that fight.”

My head rolled forward as the reality of what she’d just said hit me like a bullet in my chest. My mouth fell open as I gasped to pull in enough air, and all the light in my eyes drifted away, seeping down my legs and into the ground beneath my feet.

That was it.

That’s what it all came down to.

I’d seen too much. I’d loved him too much, and in the end I’d made him believe that he’d have to choose between me and his family.

I’d made all the wrong decisions when all I’d ever tried to do was be right for him.

I’d tried to be the eagle and take charge. I’d forgotten where I really needed and wanted to be. Beneath him. Always beneath him. Just like that night in the summerhouse.

The tears drowned my eyes until I couldn’t see anything but a blurred version of the world. I couldn’t lift my head, I couldn’t pull my shoulders back, and I couldn’t dare myself to look back up into the eyes of Mrs. Law one final time. So I didn’t. Instead, I said my goodbye with one small, pitiful nod of my head and then I turned away. I turned away from all the answers that were in that house, waiting for me to dig deeper to find them.

I turned away from the unknown and I took my first step towards really letting him go.

There were bigger things to deal with and bigger problems in the world than a seventeen-year-old girl’s broken heart.

Alex was right. I was too intense. I loved him too much. I had been so scared of losing him that I’d somehow pushed him away. Maybe some people only have a certain amount of love to give the world, and Alex already had enough people to worry about. He didn’t need me weighing him down.

As the door to the back of the cab slid open, I fought to blink back the tears once more. My head was down as I reached blindly into the taxi, and I had no idea what I was hoping to find there that could help me. When Marcus’ hand slid around mine, and I felt the strength of him pull me into his arms, I allowed my body to go to him freely.

I didn’t put up a fight. I didn’t argue or try to be brave anymore. I just curled into his lap and let the tears of grief roll silently down my cheeks and onto his chest.

He didn’t say anything all the way home, and for that I was grateful. I didn’t want to think about all the decisions I had to make about my future now. I didn’t want to think about what I’d just lost. I didn’t want to think about the pain that felt like it was tearing me in two.

I didn’t want to think at all.

I was just grateful for the silence.

And as my world came crashing down around me for a second time, I was also grateful for the fact that I had no idea it would be another five years before I got to stare into the eyes of Alex Law again, or how I would feel when that time eventually arrived.