CHAPTER TWELVE

 

 

Amber

I curled up my legs beside me on the sofa and picked up the newest Mercy Thompson book. Pumpkin was stretched out beside me, his tail twitching occasionally in sleep. Steps rang out and a blonde woman hurried into the living room. She was naked except for the blanket wrapped around her body. I lowered the book, eyes wide.

Her gaze zeroed in on me. “So you’re Amber?”

Was she Brian’s girlfriend Lauren? Why was she standing in the middle of the apartment half-naked? “Uh, yes?” I said uncertainly. “Are you Lauren?”

The girl moved closer. She was tall and her skin was sweaty. “No, I’m Brittany.” She scanned me from head to toe, and I couldn’t help but feel small under her scrutiny. What did she want?

“Britt!” Zach stumbled into the living room, fumbling with the zipper of his jeans, his upper body naked. He froze when he spotted me sitting on the sofa. My stomach tightened. The book slipped from my fingers and tumbled onto the sofa. Pumpkin leaped away with a startled hiss, then dashed off. Nobody said anything. My eyes were glued to Zach’s face. His hair was disheveled and slightly sweaty, as was his upper body. I could feel Brittany’s eyes boring into me like knives. Now I understood why she wasn’t wearing clothes. She and Zach had had sex in his room. Hurt welled up in me. I couldn’t help but feel betrayed, which was ridiculous since Zach and I weren’t together, but after the ice-rink I’d thought something had changed between us. I shouldn’t have believed Reagan. Of course, Zach didn’t have feelings for me. How could he when he had someone like Brittany? I could never compete with her body, her experience, her confidence. I snatched up my book and jumped up from the sofa. Not looking at Zach or Britt, I walked around the loveseat and headed for my room. “I’m sorry.” I didn’t even know what I was apologizing for. I had every right to be in the living room. “I’ll give you some privacy.” Maybe Brittany wanted to continue their adventures in the living room. I wouldn’t stay to watch. Sickness rose in me like a flash flood. I was the stupidest person alive for thinking there could ever be something between Zach and me.

Words from long ago, words my attackers had whispered into my ears when they were done with me crept into my mind. Nobody’s ever going to want you now, you dirty little slut. You should be glad that we kill you. And at that point I’d actually been glad for the mercy of death. I didn’t want to die anymore but the fear that those men could have been right made me want to hide in a dark corner and never come out. Nobody’s ever going to want you now.

“Amber wait,” Zach said, reaching for me as I passed him. I jerked back and collided with the wall. Pain shot through my arm from the impact.

“What’s the matter with her?” Brittany asked.

Heat flooded my cheeks. I couldn’t bear the thought of Zach touching me after he’d had sex with another woman. For several seconds, neither Zach nor I moved. He dropped his arm, hands clenching to fists. My eyes followed his tendons up to his biceps, his wide shoulders, sculpted pecs and abs, down to the fine trail of dark hair disappearing under the waistband of his jeans. Brittany had touched every inch of the skin my eyes had trailed over. That thought sent another wave of embarrassment mixed with hurt through me.

“Can you give us a moment?” Zach asked. With a start, I realized he wasn’t talking to me.

Brittany huffed. “Really?”

“No,” I said quickly. “I should really go.” I almost tripped over my feet in my haste to get into my room.

Zach hurried after me. “Amber, please give me a chance to explain.”

What was there to explain? It wasn’t any of my business if he had a girlfriend.

“Explain? The only person you owe an explanation to is me!” Brittany hissed. She was also coming after us. “Why don’t you start with why you give me a booty call when you’re obviously caught up in some kind of messed up puppy love with that girl?” She narrowed her eyes at me. “Or is that some kind of sick kinky thing between the two of you? Do you like to listen to Zach fucking other women?”

I stared. “Excuse me?” I asked, my voice rising. She had no right to talk to me like that. I had done nothing wrong here.

“Oh, don’t give me that innocent look.”

“Brittany, shut up,” Zach snarled.

Brian’s door opened and he poked his disheveled head out. His eyes took in the scene, his face twisting into a mask of fury. “What the hell is going on here?” He stepped out in his pajamas. At least, one person wasn’t half-naked.

“I don’t know,” I said. “I was on my way to my room.” I gestured at my door. Brian didn’t even look at me. He glared at Zach with so much anger, it actually worried me.

Brittany threw her hands up. “You know what? I’m done here.” She whirled around and disappeared in Zach’s room. She threw the door shut.

“We need to talk,” Brian ordered, seizing Zach’s arm, who shook it off like a bothersome fly. “I need to talk to Amber first.”

“The fuck you will!” Brian slammed his palms against Zach’s chest. Apparently, Zach hadn’t expected the assault and crashed with his back against the wall. In a blink, he was on Brian and shoved him hard. Brian hurtled against his door with so much force that it broke out of the hinges and dropped to the ground. Brian caught his balance against the doorframe. He looked ready to pounce on Zach again. I couldn’t let that happen. They’d been friends for years. Every muscle in Zach’s body was taught in anticipation of a fight. If the trophies in his room were any indication, he’d wipe the floor with my brother.

I stepped between them as they were about to start their fight and they both recoiled in surprise. My arms were stretched out between them, palms resting against their chests. For a moment I was so stunned by my courage, I gaped at my hands. I was wedged between two guys who were furious and towered over me in a narrow corridor, and I was actually touching them without dissolving into a puddle of misery. Adrenaline was pounding in my veins. I cleared my throat and slowly lowered my arms. My fingertips tingled where I’d touched Zach’s chest.

“Stop it,” I said firmly, then added. “Please.”

Zach slumped against the wall. “Sorry for your door.” He nodded toward the ground. Brian turned and picked it up from the floor. “That’s the least of my worries.”

“Brian,” I said in warning.

Brian tried to get the door back on its hinges but failed. “Let me help,” Zach said, moving toward my brother.

“I don’t want your fucking help.”

Zach ignored him and together they managed to put up the door, but it didn’t move properly. “It’s broken,” Brian said in frustration, then he turned his attention to me. As if the word broken had reminded him that I was still there. “Are you okay?”

Over the fighting, I’d briefly forgotten why everything had started. Of course, Brittany chose that moment to step out of Zach’s room, dressed in black skinny jeans and a leather jacket. She looked amazing. I averted my gaze, feeling empty and tired. She left without another word, for which I was grateful, but her mere presence had revved up the tension between Zach and Brian by several notches. “I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?” I tried to sound casual.

“You promised not to bring any of your sluts here.”

“Brian!” I hated that word. “This is Zach’s apartment as much as it is yours. He can bring whoever he wants. And only because a girl goes home with a guy doesn’t mean she’s a slut.”

“The girls Zach usually chooses are.”

“The girls aren’t any worse than Zach. You could just as well call him a slut.”

“He is a male slut,” Brian said. “That’s why I wanted you to stay away from him.”

Zach leaned against the wall, his jaw tight. “I’m here, you know? And I like sex, so sue me. What’s your problem anyway? Don’t tell me you visit Lauren several times a week because you like her jabbering. You go there for sex.”

“My problem is that you’re messing with my sister. I don’t care if you screw around. I don’t care if you don’t realize how pathetic that is. But I care about Amber. So stop pretending that you give a shit about her, when clearly you don’t. I won’t let Amber be another notch on your belt.”

I was done with this conversation. Without another word, I entered my room and closed the door, then leaned against it, eyes closed. I supposed it was good that I knew what I was at with Zach now before I got really emotionally invested. More emotionally invested? Who was I kidding; I was already helplessly in love with him.

***

I was on my way out of the apartment for a Sunday morning walk to clear my head, when Zach jogged after me, dressed in sweatpants and a tight black t-shirt. He was barefoot. “Amber, please wait.” I’d avoided him since our awkward confrontation yesterday. But Brian had left the apartment late last night and hadn’t come back; he was probably with Lauren. “I really need to talk to you.”

I hesitated. “Why? You don’t owe me an explanation.”

“But I want to,” he said, his eyes pleading.

“Okay, but I wanted to go on a walk.”

“I’ll just put some shoes on. I’ll be back in a sec.”

***

We sat down on a bench in the park beside the apartment building. Neither Zach nor I had said anything in the five minutes it had taken to get here. Maybe Zach hoped I’d start the conversation but I didn’t know what to say. I brought up my knees, pressing them against my chest. A chilly breeze picked up, ruffling my hair and sending a shiver down my back. My naked feet were cold in my Converse. Zach didn’t seem to mind the freezing temperatures. His hoodie was probably warmer than my thin jacket. “So,” I began, wanting to get past the awkward silence. I rested my chin on my knees and tilted my head to look at Zach. We sat on opposite ends of the bench, almost a foot between us. Part of me wanted to scoot over and snuggle up against Zach’s strong chest. Maybe it was for the best that I’d fallen for a guy I couldn’t have. That way, at least, I could experience a crush without actually having to risk a relationship.

“I’m sorry for yesterday.”

“Why?” I frowned. “It’s not like you aren’t allowed to bring your girlfriend to your own apartment.”

“Britt isn’t my girlfriend.” He sighed. “Never mind. That’s not the point.”

“Then what’s the point?”

“I shouldn’t have brought Britt to the apartment. I shouldn’t have met her at all.”

“Why?” I whispered, caught up in his intense gaze.

He stared down at his lap, his brows drawn together. “Fuck,” he muttered, then grimaced. “I’m not good at this. I really like you Amber.”

Hope flooded my body, but I couldn’t let it make me a big deal out of nothing. I gave a small shrug. “I like you too,” I said. “You’re my brother’s best friend.”

His eyes flickered over my face. “That’s not what I meant. I don’t like you like a friend.”

“You don’t?” I wanted to reach out and trail my fingertips over the dark stubble on his jaw. I wanted to lean close and draw in his scent – a mix of peppermint and something spicy.

He angled his body so he was facing me. Now there were only a few inches between his knee and my foot. And still I wanted to scoot closer. I should have felt uncomfortable, maybe even scared. Zach was a formidable appearance with his tall frame and muscles, but when I was around him, the possibilities seemed endless, as if happiness was actually in my reach, as if I could grab onto it if I only stretched out my hand. Zach made me hope for something I’d thought out of my grasp, he made me long for something I’d dreaded for so long.

“Amber, I’m attracted to you. I want to be with you.” My breath caught in my throat. He must have misunderstood my reaction for fear because he turned away, his shoulders sagging. “I know you probably don’t feel the same way, and maybe I shouldn’t have brought it up at all. I’m sorry if I scared you.”

I laughed, and Zach frowned at me. “You didn’t scare me. At least not in the way you probably think.”

“I’m confused,” he said with an adorable expression. There was a dimple in his left cheek I wanted to kiss. In my head, I always wanted, wanted, wanted. I wished I could actually go through with it.

“I’m not scared of you,” I said, and I realized it was true. Even though I knew Zach was much stronger than me and was physically capable of doing what those men had done, I knew he wouldn’t. “I’m scared of how you make me feel.”

“Isn’t that the same thing?”

“No. I’m scared because you make me hope for something I thought I wasn’t capable of. I’m scared of hope.”

Zach looked lost. “I’m not good with subtlety. I know women always want men to figure out what they mean without spelling it out, but I really need you to spell it out for me. I don’t want to mess this up.”

I smiled. “I don’t want to be just friends. I want more.”

“More?”

“I think I’m falling for you.” The moment the words left my mouth worry twisted my stomach. Why did I have to say I was falling in love for him? That was probably a huge red flag for most guys, but especially for Zach from what I knew of him. But I was done being cautious. The last three years caution and fear had been my prison. I wanted to break out of them. I needed to.

Relief filled Zach’s face. “Good.”

“Good?” I whispered.

“Yeah, because I think I’m falling for you too.”

My heart exploded with joy. I bit my lip, unsure of what to do now. Zach’s eyes flitted toward my lips, but he made no move to kiss me. I knelt on the bench and eased closer to Zach. He froze, his eyes never leaving my face. My knees bumped his thigh, his heat radiating through our clothes. I rested my hand on his shoulder, felt the muscles flex under my touch. Slowly I leaned closer and touched my lips to his in a feather-light kiss. Nerves fluttered in my stomach. I couldn’t believe I was actually doing this. I braced myself for an onslaught of bad memories, but none came. There was only the softness of Zach’s lips, his warmth, his scent. I pressed my other palm against his chest, feeling the steady beating of his heart. His hand, which had rested on the armrest, touched my waist very lightly. I jumped and Zach pulled back immediately. “Too much?”

I snatched up his hand and put it back to the same spot on my waist. “No, it’s okay. I was only surprised.”

I wasn’t sure anymore what was too much. Zach made me believe that maybe I could break down every single wall that I’d built around myself after the incident. Walls that had seemed impenetrable, walls that had dominated my life for years, that had isolated me to the point of utter loneliness and despair seemed suddenly conquerable.

I didn’t try to deepen the kiss, neither did Zach, though he probably wanted to. Eventually, I sat back on my haunches. “So,” he said, a smile slowly building on his face.

“So.”

“Does that mean we…” He trailed off.

I thought of yesterday, of Brittany in only a towel, of what she and Zach must have been doing before she walked into the living room. “No.”

His expression fell. “Because of yesterday.”

“That too,” I admitted. “But this isn’t a definite no. I just think we need to discuss a few things before we take this any further.” Heat rushed into my cheeks. I couldn’t believe I’d managed to say the words. I felt in control of my fate for maybe the first time in three years.

Zach nodded, relaxing under my touch, and I realized my hands were still on his chest and shoulder. I dropped them and folded them in my lap. “So you’re giving me a second chance?”

“You never got a first chance to begin with,” I said teasingly. Was this how normal girls my age felt?

He grinned, and warmth filled my stomach. I wanted to kiss him again, but that would contradict what I’d just suggested. “How about we go on a date?” he asked. “Tonight?”

I nodded. I couldn’t believe that going on a date was actually part of my reality now.

 

Zach

“Tonight,” she agreed. There was a hint of uncertainty on her face. “But I still think we need to talk about things before we go out.”

“Okay, let’s do it then.” Another gust of wind blasted over us and Amber shivered. Normally, I’d have wrapped my arms around her to keep her warm, but I didn’t want to overwhelm her. “Do you want to go inside?”

“No.” She shook her head. “Brian might be home by now and he’ll complicate things.”

I grimaced. I’d forgotten about Brian. He’d be royally pissed if he found out I was going on a date with Amber, and even more pissed when he found out I wanted to take things further with her. “He’ll try to stop us from going out.”

Amber sighed. “I know. But this is my life. I can’t live in a cocoon forever.”

“Brian won’t like it.”

“Oh, he definitely won’t like it, but he’ll deal.” Amber gave a delicate shrug. “So let’s talk.”

I felt oddly nervous. “Brian probably told you that I don’t have a great track record with relationships.”

“He did. So what about Brittany? What’s going on between you two?”

“Nothing.” Amber looked doubtful. “We’ve been seeing each other for about one year, but it’s been only physical. And it wasn’t exclusive, we both saw other people.”

She stared down at her hands. “So it was about sex?”

“Yeah.” I was actually embarrassed. When Amber said it like that, it made me sound like an asshole, which I probably was. “I never found someone I wanted to be serious about.”

“You know I can’t give you what those women did. I want a relationship. I want something that’s meaningful.”

“I want the same,” I said. Reagan had been right. If I didn’t want to be like my father, I’d have to choose a different path. Not the one I’d been treading so far. I’d never liked a girl like I did Amber. But I couldn’t lie to Amber. “I don’t know how good I’ll be at this relationship thing. It’s new for me.”

Amber smiled. “I can’t promise either. It’s new for me as well. I’ve never had a boyfriend.” She swallowed. “Before the incident, I liked a guy but I never got the chance to be with him.”

Anger surged through me when I thought of what had happened to her, but I pushed it aside. “I really want to try.”

“Me too. That’s all we can do. Try.” She searched my face. “You know physical closeness is hard for me. I can’t promise that I’ll ever be ready to sleep with you.” She swallowed. “I don’t even know if I’ll ever be ready to do more than kissing.” Embarrassment twisted her expression.

I didn’t like the thought of never doing more than kissing Amber, but I couldn’t tell her that. “I know. We just have to take our relationship one step at a time.”

“That sounds good. But are you sure you are willing to wait for me to be ready. What about your…” I could tell she was searching for the right wording. “needs or urges?”

I burst out laughing. Amber flushed. “Sorry, but that sounds like I’m some kind of animal who can’t control his urges.”

Something shifted in Amber’s face and my gut tightened in horror. The men who’d raped Amber had been like animals. No worse. Monsters. “Amber. I’m—”

She held up a hand and I shut up. Her chin wobbled as if she was about to lose it. “You’re right. You aren’t an animal. But you have needs.”

“Don’t worry about my needs. I can take care of them.” She frowned. “You know? His right hand is a man’s best friend?” I winked.

Amber choked on a laugh. “Oh, okay. Right. I didn’t think of that. But will that be enough?”

I carefully closed my hand around hers. “Don’t worry. I can handle it.” I was on the verge of laughter again, but I fought it back. “You have to promise that you’ll always tell me when something is too much for you. I don’t want to pressure you.”

She nodded. “I promise. So what are we going to do for our first date tonight?”

“How about watching a movie?”

“I haven’t been in a movie theater in years.” Since the rape, that’s what she didn’t say.

“We can do something else.”

She squeezed my hand. “No, I’d love to watch a movie.”

I couldn’t believe Amber agreed to go out with me after everything Brian had told her, after what she’d witnessed yesterday. I wanted this to work out. I wouldn’t mess up.