CHAPTER TWENTY
Amber
Loud knocking woke me. I glanced at my alarm clock. It was after midnight. I slipped out of bed and walked out of my room. “Brian?” I called but he wasn’t home. Maybe he was with Lauren. I headed for the entrance door but didn’t open it even when the knocking got more insistent. I peered through the peephole but it was empty. “Who’s there?” I asked.
“It’s me, Kevin.” He sounded strained. “Could you let me in? Zach can’t find his keys.”
After a moment of hesitation, I unlocked the door and found Kevin holding Zach up against the wall in the corridor. Zach was totally drunk. I sighed. “Do you need help carrying him?”
Kevin grunted when Zach stumbled against him. “Yeah. Maybe we can get him onto the couch. His room is definitely too far away.”
Kevin and I half-dragged, half-carried Zach over to the couch where he fell back and passed out.
“What happened?” I shook my head. “I probably don’t want to know.”
“He’s never been like this. I mean he’s always drowned his frustration in alcohol after a talk with his father, but he’s been drunk every day since your break-up. He’s miserable because of you.”
“Because of me?”
“He misses you,” Kevin said softly. “He loves you, Amber.”
“Did he tell you that? Because he never once said he loved me. And it doesn’t matter anymore. We would have never made it. Zach’s going to lead a company and I’m not the right person to be at his side for that.”
“The last thing Zach wants is to join his father’s company.”
“But he’s going to anyway. What does it matter what he, what we want, if we don’t act upon it?” That made me pause. I had acted against what I really wanted when I’d broken up with Zach.
“Do you want me to stay? Someone needs to keep an eye on him in case he throws up.”
“No, it’s okay. I’ll stay with him,” I said quietly. When Kevin had left, I perched on the armrest above Zach’s head. I couldn’t resist. I reached out and ran my fingers through his hair. He stirred and turned his head toward the ministrations. I closed my eyes against the emotions rising up in me. I wanted nothing more than to stretch out beside Zach, to feel his heartbeat against my cheek, to snuggle up to him and fall asleep with his comforting scent in my nose. Even if he smelled of smoke and beer right now. I rested my head against the backrest and kept stroking Zach’s hair until I fell asleep.
***
When I woke, my body was stiff from my awkward position draped over the backrest. I opened my eyes to find Zach staring at me. He was stretched out on the sofa and my hand was still in his hair. I pulled it away and sat up. “You kept watch over me?” he said in a gravelly voice. I loved his morning voice. Looking at his face, I realized I still loved him as much as before I’d broken up with him. Maybe it took longer to forget someone who helped you find yourself again. “Someone had to. You were really drunk.”
I slid off the armrest to bring some distance between Zach and me. Zach’s eyes followed me. I couldn’t read the emotion on his face, but I couldn’t stand it a moment longer. “I need to pack,” I said.
Zach stood. “You’re leaving?”
“For Christmas. I’m spending a few days at home. Brian’s going as well, remember?”
“Oh, sure.”
Before our break-up, Zach and I had planned to celebrate with my family because his parents always spent Christmas and New Year in the Bahamas. “You could still come with Brian and me, you know?” I wasn’t sure if that was a good idea, but I didn’t want Zach to spend the holidays alone.
“No,” Zach said quickly. “I still need to do some stuff for University. And I could watch Pumpkin for you, then he doesn’t have to do the long drive again.”
It cost me everything I had not to storm toward Zach and kiss him. “Are you sure? You don’t have to do that.”
“I want to. Pumpkin isn’t any trouble.”
“Okay,” I said slowly, then I quickly walked toward my room before I lost it.
***
Brian and I were on our way out of the apartment when Zach walked out of the kitchen, carrying a package in his hands. “Amber, wait.”
Brian glanced between Zach and me. “I’ll wait in the car.” He closed the door after him.
“I wanted to give you this,” Zach said. He stopped in front of me and held out a medium-sized parcel covered in reindeer wrapping paper. “I bought it for you for Christmas. I still want you to have it.” An envelope was attached to the top.
I took the parcel, my throat tightening. “Thanks.” I opened my mouth to say something else, but then I left instead. Brian didn’t say anything when I got into the car with tears on my cheeks.
Zach
I backed away from the door as Amber closed it. My legs bumped against the back of the sofa and I sank down on the backrest. I should have told Amber that I loved her. I’d wanted to, but something in her expression had made it clear that it wasn’t the right moment to voice my emotions. Maybe the right moment would never come again, but I’d given her my present and the card.
Pumpkin leaped onto the headrest beside me and bumped my arm with his head. I began stroking him and was rewarded with a deep purr. I picked him up before I headed toward my room but froze in front of my door. On the ground was a gift. It was longer than my arm. I set Pumpkin down who sniffed at the gift before I picked it up. There was a small card at the top right corner with ‘For Zack’ written in Amber’s neat handwriting.
She probably intended for me to wait until Christmas morning but I walked into my room where I immediately ripped away the wrapping, revealing a calendar with nature photography from Patagonia. Another note fell to my feet. ‘I hope you get to live your dreams one day.’
I swallowed and sat on my bed. One dream had left the apartment less than fifteen minutes ago.
Amber
Dad and Brian hovered near me almost every moment of the day. I knew they were expecting for me to have a nervous breakdown after what had happened with Zach, but I didn’t let them see how much I missed Zach. Brian could probably guess but he never mentioned anything. I probably wouldn’t have been able to keep my composure in front of my brother and father, if I’d opened Zach’s present in the living room with them and not hidden away in my own room.
Inside the bigger present, I found three smaller presents, each accompanied by a note. I opened the first. There was a pair of soft black leather gloves inside. ‘For our next visit to the ice rink,’ the note said, and my throat started closing up. With shaky fingers, I opened the second present. It was a gift certificate for a tattoo parlor. ‘If you ever decide to get your tattoo.’
As I opened the last present, I sank down on my bed. Inside the small box was a beautiful gold necklace with bird silhouettes. ‘You can fly,’ was written on the accompanying card.
Tears prickled my eyes. Zach could have gotten anything for me and I’d have loved it, but this was so much better. Every present had a meaning. He’d really thought about it, had listened to what I’d said. I took out the necklace and put it on, then rested my hand over it, closing my eyes. Would he have given me such a thoughtful gift, if he didn’t care for me? But caring for someone wasn’t loving someone. I took a few deep breaths before I dared to read the letter Zach had attached to my present.
Amber,
I’ve always been good at screwing up and eventually I learned to expect it. That’s why I didn’t fight for you when you left me. That’s one of the things I regret the most. Sometimes you have to lose something to realize that you don’t want to live without it. I should have said it a long time ago: I love you. There are many questions in my life right now, but you are the one thing I’m sure about.
Please give me another chance.
Zach
I couldn’t see through my tears, and yet I couldn’t avert my eyes from the note in my hand. Zach had said he loved me. He wanted another chance. My first impulse was to grab my phone and call him, but I couldn’t rush into this. I was too emotional to make a decision like that.
Zach
Amber had been gone for three days. She must have opened my present by now, must have read the letter I wrote her, but she hadn’t called. The first night of not hearing from her, I’d wanted to go out with Jason and get shit-faced. That was my solution to any problem, after all, but I’d stayed in the apartment. If I didn’t want to become like my parents, I had to act differently.
Brian and Amber were supposed to return to Boston today, but I half-expected Amber to stay with her father. Maybe she’d decided that she couldn’t face me anymore. I’d have to accept it, even if I wasn’t sure if I could let her go so easily now that I’d realized I loved her. I’d never believed in falling in love, and even now I was wary of it, but there was no denying I loved Amber. I didn’t think I could love anyone else ever again.
The key was turned in the lock and the door swung open, revealing Brian with two bags. One of them was Amber’s and relief flooded me. She was a couple of steps behind him, but she didn’t look at me as she entered and closed the door.
“Hey Zach,” Brian said, then glanced at Amber. “I’ll be in my room.” With a pointed look in my direction, he headed for his room, leaving me alone with Amber. She stood near the door. Pumpkin, who’d been sleeping beside me on the sofa, strode toward her and pressed his head against her shins. She scratched behind his ears with a small smile. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I rose from the sofa, drawing her eyes toward me. The smile disappeared from her face, instead we stared at each other. She was wearing the necklace I’d given her, so she had at least opened my presents. “Did you—” I said at the same time as she blurted. “Yes.”
We both fell silent. “Yes?” I asked. I wasn’t sure if she’d anticipated my question and her answer meant ‘yes’ I read your letter, or if it meant something else entirely.
She walked up to me. “I read your letter.” She paused. “And yes, I want to give us another chance.” I could hear the silent ‘but’ in her answer. “But I won’t ever be the trophy wife you need at your side.”
I frowned, then it dawned on me. “You heard what my father said.”
“I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but…” She trailed off.
My father was really fucking me over in every way possible. “I don’t want Brittany or anyone else at my side. If my father and his business partners can’t deal with it, then they can go fuck themselves. And I don’t even know if I want to work in my father’s company. Payne Enterprise can do without me for now. My father will work until he drops dead anyway.”
“Then what do you want to do?”
“I want to become a Human Rights lawyer. But first I want to travel through South America.”
“Oh,” Amber said, then she smiled. “Living your dream.”
I bridged the remaining distance between us and took her hands. “I want you to come with me. Let us figure out together what and who we really want to be. There’s no better way to do that than travel the world, right?”
Amber’s eyes widened. “Are you serious?”
“Yes. I actually bought this already.” I pulled out two tickets for a one-way flight to Buenos Aires. “One for you and one for me. I know it’s presumptuous of me to think you’ll come with me when I don’t even know if you still want to be with me, but I can’t imagine doing this without you, I can’t imagine life without you.”
Amber stared down at the tickets, then she slowly met my gaze. “You’re really serious.”
“I’ve never been more serious about anything in my life. The flights leave January 25th, less than a month from now. So will you give me another chance?”
Amber wrapped her arms around my middle and I embraced her tightly, pressing my nose into her hair. “Of course. The first ‘yes’ when you interrupted me was already a yes to the question in your letter. I love you, Zach, and I want to be with you. Even if you decide to start working in your father’s company at some point, I’ll stand by your side. Together we can do it.”
I lifted her head and kissed her. Fuck. I’d missed the feel of her lips against mine. Her taste, her smile. Everything. “So you’ll travel through South America with me?”
Amber
I was still stunned. I couldn’t believe Zach had bought a plane ticket for me. “Yes, but—” His face fell. “I can’t let you pay everything by yourself.”
“Amber, I have more than enough money to take every inhabitant of this house to South America with me.”
“I know,” I said with a smile. “But I’d feel bad if I didn’t contribute to this trip. I have some money in my savings account that will pay for food and for accommodation for a couple of weeks.”
Zach looked like he might protest but then he kissed me. “That’s why I love you. Brittany and most of the other girls I met wouldn’t have said no to me paying for everything. You don’t even care about my money.”
“I care about you. Money is a nice cushion to fall on, but it can’t buy you happiness or love or anything that really matters.”
Zach tightened his hold and pressed his lips against me. He deepened the kiss almost immediately and I clung to him as if I was drowning and he was my lifeboat. So how long do you want to spend travelling?” I asked, feeling more and more excited by the minute. And what was even better: I was back in Zach’s arms and we wanted to try again.
“I don’t know. As long as it takes to see what we want to see, or until we feel like returning home. It’s summer in Argentina and Chile right now, so we don’t have to be worried about weather in Patagonia.”
“That could take a while,” I teased.
“I don’t care. I want to make love to you in every country of South America, and on every continent in this world.”
I laughed. I linked our fingers. “How about you make love to me now?” Zach didn’t say anything, only led me toward his room. We fell on his bed and kissed and touched every inch of each other. When we made love, it was slow and sweet and gentle and loving, almost reverent, and afterward when we lay wrapped in each other’s arms and listened to our ragged breathing, I knew this was the start of something new, something even better. I’d come a long way, had torn down walls that seemed impenetrable, had discovered that sometimes you had to let go of the things you lost to discover that there’s more to each of us than we thought possible. I’d become someone new; my broken self was still part of me, would always be a part of me, but I’d learned to live with it, had learned to see beyond what wasn’t meant to be to find new happiness.
“I love you,” Zach murmured against my neck.
“And I love you.”
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