CHAPTER NINETEEN

 

 

Zach

When I woke, Amber wasn’t snuggled up to me. I sat up and rubbed my face. She’d probably gone to the bathroom, but when I touched the side where she usually lay it was completely cold as if she’d left a while ago. I got out of bed, put boxer shorts on and went in search of her. I knocked at her door but got no response. Eventually I found her in the kitchen, leaning against the counter and staring intently at a cup of coffee cradled in her hands. She looked like she hadn’t slept at all last night. I walked up to her for a kiss but she shook her head and took a few steps back. Confused, I stopped.

“We need to talk,” she said quietly.

Something was wrong, very fucking wrong. “What’s going on?”

“This isn’t going to work. I want to break up.”

Shock shot through me as I stared at her. She was looking right back at me, completely serious. Her eyes were guarded. I’d never seen that look on her face.

“What do you mean?”

“What I said. I think we should break up. When we started dating we always knew it could turn out that it wasn’t working out, and I realized it isn’t going to work out.” She said it like she’d rehearsed those lines all night. When had she decided to break up with me?

“It’s because of yesterday, because of my mother, right?”

She shook her head but I could tell from her expression I’d hit a nerve. She thought she’d end up like my mother if she stayed with me. She’d finally realized what my father had known all along: that I was just like my old man, that I was a destructive force bound to fuck up her life. My father had said the best thing I could do for Amber was letting her go so she could find someone else, someone nicer, someone better.

I nodded once. “Okay. If that’s what you want. It’s probably for the best.”

She looked surprised for a moment, then she put down the coffee and walked past me. “Yes, it is.” And then she slipped out of the kitchen and a moment later I heard the front door bang shut.

What the fuck had just happened? I sank down on the chair and didn’t move for a long time. I’d never felt so fucking empty.  I buried my face in my palms. Why was I feeling so bad? I was doing the right thing. Amber needed someone, a decent guy who loved her, then why was the mere idea of her being with another man feel like a stab in the heart?

“What’s up with you?” Brian asked as he entered the kitchen.

“Amber and I broke up.”

There was silence. “I knew it. I fucking knew it! I warned you not to get involved with her. I knew you’d break her heart. Did you cheat on her? Did get tired of being with only one girl? What the hell is wrong with you, Zach?”

Everything, apparently. I looked up. “She broke up with me, and I didn’t cheat on her.”

“Then what did you do?”

“Does it have to be me who did something?”

He gave me a look.

“She think it’s not working out. She’s probably right.”

Brian shook his head with a frown. “Great, now I have to pick up the pieces. Where is she?”

“I don’t know. She didn’t tell me. She left.”

“You’re an asshole, Zach.” With that, Brian left the kitchen.

“Don’t I know it?” I muttered.

 

Amber

I couldn’t breathe. I rushed out of the building and into the nearby park where I collapsed on a bench. I pressed my chest against my legs, staring down at the gravel, trying to calm my breathing, trying to stop my heart from feeling like it was shattering. Tears burned my eyes.

I’d really broken up with Zach. God, why? Why? Now I realized that deep down I’d only wanted to get something from him, some kind of sign that he loved me, or at least cared about me as much as I cared for him, but he’d given me up without a fight, without much of a protest even. He’d let me go like it meant nothing. Everything his father had said yesterday was right. That’s why Zach hadn’t argued with him. Zach probably hadn’t broken up with me because he didn’t want to leave the poor broken Amber. Pity, was that what had made him stay with me until now?

But I’d survived worse. I would survive this. I’d move on. I wasn’t that broken girl anymore. I was stronger than her. With shaky fingers, I pulled out my cell from my jeans pocket and dialed Reagan’s number. She answered after the third ring. “Hey Amber!”

“I broke up with Zach.”

“Whoa, okay. What?”

“I broke up with Zach.”

“How did that even happen? Do you want me to come over? I could be there in thirty minutes.”

“Yeah, that would be great. I think I need a shoulder to cry on.” I let out a choked laugh.

“I’ll be there soon.”

Then I remembered that I couldn’t go back into the apartment, not yet. If I met Zach now, I’d lose it. “I can’t go back into the apartment. What do I do now?”

“Let’s meet in the Starbucks around the corner.”

“Okay.” We hung up and I stared at nothing for a long time. Then I got up and walked slowly toward the Starbucks. Reagan arrived twenty minutes later, with wet hair and a panicked look on her face. When she found me sitting at table in the corner, she rushed over and hugged me. “Amber, what the hell is going on? Tell me everything.”

And so I did and when I was done, Reagan frowned. “Maybe Zach was just stunned and that’s what he didn’t fight for your relationship. Maybe it’s not really over.”

“It is. He never told me he loved me. He never spoke about the future.”

“Did you sleep with him?”

I nodded, then I blinked quickly to keep tears at bay. “And I don’t regret it. I’ve never felt so loved.” I snorted. “I didn’t think I could ever feel so safe with someone.”

Reagan squeezed my hand. “I could talk to Zach.”

“No,” I said quickly. My phone vibrated for the tenth time. It was Brian and I finally picked up.

“Amber, where are you? I talked to Zach. I’m worried about you. Are you okay?” He sounded close to a freak-out.

“I’m with Reagan, and I’m okay. You don’t need to worry. I broke up with Zach, not the other way around.”

“Did he hurt you? If he did, I’ll kill him.”

“He didn’t hurt me,” I said quietly. “It’s nobody’s fault. It just wasn’t meant to be. Can we talk later?”

“Okay, but don’t stay out too long. I’m really worried.”

“I know.” I hung up, then sighed. “This is such a mess. I thought if I was the one breaking up with Zach before he could, I’d feel better about it. That being in control would make it hurt less.”

“It doesn’t,” Reagan whispered.

“No, it doesn’t. It hurts so much.” I closed my eyes and pressed my face into my palms. Reagan wrapped an arm around me. “Shhh. It’ll get better. And you can still talk to Zach. Nothing’s lost yet. Talk to him about your feelings and worries, and why you really broke up with him. It’ll be fine.”

I didn’t think it would be. If Zach hadn’t felt the need to fight for us, then why should I? But Reagan eventually managed to convince me and we walked back to the apartment together. Brian was already waiting for me in the living room. Before he could question me further, I asked. “Where’s Zach?”

“He went over to Jason to go out. He’s doing what he’s good at. Getting wasted. They want to hit a club.”

Reagan cursed. “What is wrong with him?”

I put on a brave face. “It’s for the best. A clean cut.” I wished I could really believe that.

***

I lay awake almost all night in my bed, but Zach didn’t come home. He’d probably found someone new to spend the night with. After having been shackled to me for months he must have been desperate for a one-night stand.

I could barely keep my eyes open the next morning, but I got dressed and headed out for work in a trance. I managed to smile and take orders without messing it up. Life went on as if nothing had happened. That was a small consolation. In a few years I’d look back to this moment and see it as another step toward becoming who I was supposed to be. God, I sounded like a Hallmark card.

Reagan waited for me when my shift was over, and together we walked over to the apartment. “I think I need to find a new place. I can’t keep living in Zach’s apartment now that we’ve broken up.” It still felt surreal, as if any moment I might wake up from a nightmare. But things like that never happened. I’d learned that in the past.

“You could crash at my place for a while. My roommates wouldn’t mind. They practically have their boyfriends over all the time, so what’s one person more?”

“Thanks. Maybe I’ll take you up on that offer.”

“Did you see Zach again since the breakup?”

“He didn’t come home all night, and I didn’t see him this morning.”

Reagan shook her head. “I can’t believe he’s acting like that.”

“He seems to be coping well with the breakup,” I said miserably. “Better than me.”

 

Zach

I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been so wasted. I couldn’t even remember how much I’d drunk. Kevin was giving me the dirty eye. The fuck I cared. I emptied my glass. Day three after Amber broke up with me, but no matter how much I drank even thinking her name still felt like a canyon ripped open in my chest.

Fuck it. Fuck it all. Fuck my father most of all for making me turn out like him.

“Don’t blame your father,” Kevin said in exasperation. I hadn’t even realized I’d said anything aloud. I glared. “There’s a small voice called choice, Zach. You could try it. Try to act like a grown up and don’t get shitfaced. Go to Amber and make up. Tell her you can’t be without her. Tell her you love her and stop throwing yourself pity-parties.”

“I’m not fucking capable of loving anybody. Like my father said. I ruined it.”

“Then why if you didn’t love Amber are you acting like this? I’ve never seen you so miserable.”

“I’m not miserable. I’ve having a fucking perfect time.”

“I can see that.”

“Hey Zach, I’m surprised to find you here,” Brittany said, suddenly appearing at my side. “Where’s your girlfriend?”

“Gone. We broke up.”

“Oh, that’s a pity.” She leaned close to me. “Need some company?”

Kevin shook his head and left. Good. He was driving we crazy with his talking.

“We always had a good time, don’t you think? We’re meant for each other.”

Had she talked to my father? She ran her hand up and down my chest. “Let’s have some fun. You must be hungry after all the vanilla sex with Amber.”

“Don’t talk about her,” I growled.

“Okay, okay. Still a touchy subject.” Her hand graced my groin. “We can go to my place, or we can do it in the alley like old times. What do you say?”

“Alley,” I said simply and she took my hand and led me across the dance floor, through the backdoor into the alley. It was fucking cold. But I didn’t care. I couldn’t believe Christmas was in two days. My present for Amber would rot in my desk drawer for all eternity. Brittany started kissing my lips and I pulled away, gripped her shoulders, pushing her down. She grinned and opened my zipper. I closed my eyes as she curled her hands around my cock. All I could think about was Amber, her smile, her soft lips, the way her hair smelled, her laughter when I tickled her sides. What the fuck was I doing? I pushed Brittany’s hands away, took a few steps back and zipped my pants. “I can’t.” I actually felt like I was going to throw up.

“What do you mean?” She straightened. “Don’t tell me this is because of Amber.”

I closed my eyes, but quickly opened them again when I almost lost my balance. Too much alcohol. I was like the worst possible combo of my father and mother. A drunk cheat.

“You said it’s over between you and her, so what’s the fucking problem?”

“The fucking problem is that I still love her.” I froze. Love. I still loved her. Loved her so much it fucking hurt. I should have told her a long time ago. And it took a breakup and this to figure it out. Too late as always. “I’m sorry. But I can’t do this.”

I stumbled back into the club, bumping into several people and almost falling flat on my face a few times. Kevin stepped in my way, and slung one of my arms over his shoulders. “Already over?” His voice was harsh, angry.

He could be angry with me all he wanted. He couldn’t possibly hate me more than I hated myself right in this moment. I’d lost the first woman I’d ever loved because I was a stupid asshole.

“I couldn’t go through with it,” I muttered. “I still love Amber. I fucking love her so much it hurts. And I fucked it up. I let her go.”

“Let’s get you home,” Kevin said. “Maybe when you aren’t wasted anymore, we can figure out a way to get you back together with Amber.”

Why could I possibly do or say to make Amber give us another chance?