CHAPTER FIFTEEN

 

 

Amber

When Zach and I stepped into the kitchen, Brian sat at the table with his laptop. Pumpkin perched on the windowsill, giving me the cold shoulder. He was probably annoyed that he always had to sleep alone in my room because I spent the nights with Zach.

“I fed Pumpkin. I wasn’t sure if you’d ever emerge from Zach’s room.” Brian scanned my face and I couldn’t meet his gaze after what Zach had done to me this morning. My skin still tingled. Had Brian heard something? Did he know? This was too embarrassing. I hid my face behind the fridge door but when I emerged with a yogurt, Brian was still glancing between Zach and me. “Are you going home for Thanksgiving?”

Was that why he’d been staring? I hadn’t even thought about Thanksgiving, but Brian was right; it was only two weeks away. “Of course,” I said. I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t seen Dad in so long. Brian’s eyes darted to Zach, who was busy spreading Nutella on a slice of bread. “I’ll call Dad.”

Brian nodded. “I need to leave or I’ll be late for my lunch date with Lauren.”

Zach made a face behind Brian’s back. I managed to keep my face neutral, but when Brian had left the kitchen, I jabbed a finger against Zach’s chest. “You’re impossible.” Zach took a bite of his Nutella bread and shrugged. I wrapped my arms around his waist and he lightly stroked my back. “Do you celebrate Thanksgiving with your parents?”

He snorted. “They celebrate Thanksgiving at their country club. They don’t expect me to come.”

“So what do you usually do?”

“In the last few years I went out partying with the guys.”

“Oh, of course,” I said. “Do you want to go partying this year too?”

“I’d rather spend the day in bed with you.” He kissed my throat, sending small fireworks down my spine.

“Why don’t you come home with me and Brian, and celebrate with my family? I’d love to officially introduce you to my father as my boyfriend.” Or was that too fast for Zach? When did people usually introduce their boyfriend to their parents? I really wished Mom was still there to meet Zach as well.

“I’ve met your father before,” Zach joked, then he sobered. He actually looked hesitant. “Are you sure?

“I am. I really want you to come.”

“Okay,” he said slowly. “But won’t your dad mind?”

“I think he’ll be happy for me.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that. Look at Brian. I don’t see happy when I look at his face.”

“Brian is happy for me, for us.”

Zach looked doubtful, but he nodded. “Family Thanksgiving it is, then.”

I grinned. “I’ll call my dad and tell him.” I pressed a quick kiss against Zach’s lips before I hurried into my room and grabbed my phone. As always when I called Dad answered on the second ring. “Amber?” And as usual worry swung in his voice. I hated that his first reaction to a call from me was concern that something might have happened.

“Hi Dad,” I said.

“Are you alright?”

“Yes, I’m fine.” I could hear him release a breath. “I wanted to talk to you about Thanksgiving.”

“You’re coming home?”

“Yes, and I want to bring Zach.”

There was a pause on the other end. “Are you still dating?”

“Don’t tell me Brian isn’t giving you daily updates.”

Dad coughed. “Well, it occasionally comes up in our conversation.”

“It’s probably the only thing you talk about.”

“Not the only thing,” Dad said. “We’re both just worried about you. And to be honest, it’s difficult for me to imagine. You changed so much since I last saw you, I can already tell from talking to you on the phone.”

“Zach helps me. Living here helps me. So is it okay if I bring him?”

“Sure. I want a word with him anyway.”

“Oh no, Dad. Brian’s made Zach’s life hell for dating me. Promise you won’t do the same.”

“I can’t promise that. But I’ll do my best not to embarrass you.” I could hear a smile in his voice. God, I couldn’t remember the last time Dad had sounded so much like the old-Dad from before. I wasn’t the only one who’d been changed by the incident. Brian’s and Dad’s lives had been turned upside down as well. “Will Aunt Lynn and Uncle Barry come as well?”

“Actually, we’ll celebrate at their house because you can’t really cook this Thanksgiving. Lynn is going to make dinner for us this year.”

“Oh, right. I didn’t even think about it.” In the last few years, I’d prepared our Thanksgiving meals. Cooking had been pretty much the only thing that had given me some sliver of joy, but of course I wouldn’t be able to do it this year unless I arrived a few days early. I couldn’t expect Zach to stay with my dad for so long. What if they didn’t get along?

“I miss you, sweetheart. I’m counting the days until Thanksgiving.”

“I miss you too, Dad.”

After we’d hung up, I smiled. I wanted Dad to see how far I’d come. He’d always wanted a normal life for me, and I was getting closer to that goal every day.

“You look happy,” Zach said, leaning in the doorway to the kitchen.

“I am happy.” He advanced on me, then leaned close. “Maybe we can schedule a repeat performance of this morning?”

I blushed, but my body responded with a flood of tingling between my legs. I peered at the clock. “I’m meeting Reagan for a run in thirty minutes.”

Zach pouted playfully. I laughed. “Maybe later then?” he said in a low voice that made my legs go weak. “Later,” I promised.

***

I couldn’t stop thinking about this morning even as Reagan and I jogged through the neighborhood. I would have never thought something could feel this good. Zach’s mouth and tongue had made me forget everything. There had been no room for horrible memories. I couldn’t believe I was even capable of being this…aroused. The word alone seemed wrong when it came to me. I couldn’t wait to let Zach do it again. I knew this didn’t mean the past wouldn’t come crashing back down on me again. It always did, always would. After what I had gone through, it couldn’t be any other way, but it was slowly pushed to the back of my mind.

“I don’t know what’s going on but you’re positively glowing,” Reagan said as we paused to catch our breath. “I guess it has something to do with Zach.”

A blush crept up my cheeks. “Yeah.” I avoided her gaze. I wanted to talk to her about these things, but I didn’t even know where to begin. And did people even talk about that stuff? The friends I’d had before the incident had talked to me about everything, but back then everything had meant only kissing and the occasional boob grab. This was something else entirely.

“Oh, oh. That expression. I need details. What did lover boy do?”

I nodded toward the general direction of my vagina. Reagan smirked. “He touched you there?”

I shook my head and Reagan grinned. “Oh, boy. He went down on you, right?”

I pressed my lips together to stop myself from letting out a ridiculous giggle.

“That good, hm?” she whispered. My skin burned with embarrassment as I nodded. Reagan leaned against a tree. “There’s nothing better than a guy who knows how to do it right. And I assume Zach’s one of them.”

“He is.” That’s what I assumed at least. It wasn’t as if I had anything to compare his skills to. Nobody had ever gone down on me. A flicker of the past shoved itself into my mind. A hand ripping my panties, gripping me cruelly, but I forced the memory out of my head and focused on my most recent experiences. Zach. His tenderness. “I can’t believe how good it felt.”

Reagan bit her lips impishly. “And did you return the favor?”

My face fell. “No. I haven’t even really touched him yet.”

“Oh, that’s okay.” She tilted her head in consideration. “Are you scared?”

I thought about it. I wasn’t really scared about touching Zach’s erection. “I don’t think so. It’s just intimidating. But I think I want to touch him.”

“Have you seen him yet?”

“Yeah.”

“And?”

I frowned. “Everything about Zach is gorgeous.” God, had I just said that?

Reagan burst out laughing but not in a mean way. “And big I bet.” She grimaced. “Is that what you’re worried about?”

“You mean am I worried that it’s going to hurt when Zach and I ever sleep together?” I shook my head. “I’m not worried about pain. Not anymore.” It wasn’t as if I was a virgin, and nothing could possibly hurt as much as what those men had done to me. Pain was nothing I still feared. What terrified me was the idea that sleeping with Zach, or even just touching his erection would always evoke memories of that day. What if there was an end to how much I could change? What if there would eventually be a wall I couldn’t break down? “I want to touch Zach. I really do. But I’d probably disappoint him.”

“Nonsense. Zach will be thrilled, believe me. And I’m sure he can tell you what he likes. I don’t think he’s shy about these things.”

“No, he definitely isn’t.” I paused, then gathered my courage. “Do you go down on Kevin?”

Reagan nodded without hesitation. “Yeah, I love giving him head.”

“Really? Don’t you think it’s degrading?”

“Why? I feel powerful when I do it. Kevin is totally in my hands when I do it. I think I could ask anything of him in that moment.” She giggled. “And he goes down on me too, so why shouldn’t I do the same?”

I pondered that. “What about…you know?”

“You mean swallowing?”

I looked away. “Yeah.”

“Some women do, others don’t. That’s your decision. I personally don’t. I just don’t like the taste. That’s all. But Kevin doesn’t care. He enjoys the rest too much.” Reagan smiled.

I wanted to give Zach what he’d given me. I wished I knew if I was ready.

***

I shuddered as the last waves of pleasure rolled through my body. Zach kissed my stomach, the skin between my breasts and at last my lips before he settled beside me. I could taste myself on him and it was strange. My eyes flitted down to the bulge in his boxers. “Can you remove them?” I asked, my voice utterly relaxed. Zach looked surprised but he pulled down his boxer-shorts and threw them to the ground. He lay back. I propped myself up on my arm and allowed myself to stare at his erection. My eyes darted back to Zach’s face. I could see how much he wanted me to touch him, but he wasn’t moving. Love for him surged through him. Lowering my gaze to his erection once more, I reached out and brushed the tip with my fingers. Zach sucked in a deep breath and his erection jerked, a drop of liquid coming out. I rubbed my forefinger over it, spreading it over his tip. Zach moaned. “You don’t have to do this,” he brought out, but I could tell how much he wanted it, and I wanted to give him pleasure. I actually caught myself enjoying the power I had over him. I wrapped my fingers around him and began stroking him. I worried that my grip was too tight but Zach seemed to enjoy it. I moved faster.

Zach’s eyes were closed and his jaw clenched tightly. I shifted until I was leaning over his erection. I waited for a moment of unease but there was only need and curiosity. This was okay for me. I pressed my lips to Zach’s tip. “Fuck!” He sat up so fast, he almost knocked me out with his arm. His eyes were wide in shock. I flushed. For a moment, we stared at each other. “You startled me,” he said, out of breath.

“I see that,” I said with a smile. He looked so adorably shaken. My hand was still wrapped around the base of his erection but I’d stopped moving.

“Don’t you want me to you know?”

“What? Fuck, yes, of course I want you to do that.” He looked torn, his chest heaving. “But I don’t want you to be uncomfortable. I...” He shook his head. “Fuck. I’m not good at this being noble thing. Fuck. I really want you to, but—”

“Shh,” I said. “It’s okay. I know you don’t want to pressure me.”

He rubbed a hand over his head.

“Lie back,” I said firmly. Zach dropped his hand and slowly did as I’d asked. I bowed my head over his erection again and licked over the soft head. Zach’s lips parted as he watched me. I wasn’t sure if I was any good. I did what felt right and what I wanted to do, taking Zach’s moans as encouragement. He tensed in my mouth. Before I could react, he grabbed my arm, wrenched me back and squeezed the tip of his erection, his head falling back as he came on his hand and leg. “Sorry,” he said quietly, his eyes opening slowly. “I didn’t want to come in your mouth.” I let out a nervous giggle, suddenly overwhelmed by my own courage.

Zach pulled me into his arms, eyes searching mine. “Are you okay?” The worry in his tone banished my nerves and I nodded. Zach seemed unconvinced. “Tell me if I’m a selfish-bastard for letting you do that.”

“I wanted to do it. You didn’t coerce me into doing it.”

“But still. Maybe I should have stopped you. A decent guy would have done that.”

“A decent guy lets the woman decide what she wants to do and doesn’t make the decision for her,” I said.

“You are too fucking perfect.”

“Now I get why people say love makes you blind.” I cringed as soon as the words left my mouth. Zach ignored my comment altogether and kept stroking my arm.

It was definitely too soon for the word love. Only, I was pretty sure I was already in love with Zach. But I understood that he didn’t want to talk about love. We all had things that scared us, and maybe voicing his emotions was one of Zach’s.