CHAPTER THIRTEEN

 

 

Amber

I’d been staring at the display of clothes in my wardrobe for almost thirty minutes and I still wasn’t sure what to wear to the date. I wanted to look nice for Zach. Unfortunately, the majority of clothes I owned were meant to hide my body and make me as inconspicuous as possible. A door fell shut in the apartment and someone stomped past my room. Brian. The way his steps sounded his time with Lauren hadn’t gone too well. He still hadn’t even told me about his girlfriend. I really hoped he wouldn’t make a scene when he found out Zach and I were going out tonight.

I still couldn’t believe that Zach and I wanted to try a relationship. Zach wasn’t perfect, but neither was I. Maybe this was bound to end horribly, but I had to give it a try. Nerves twisted my stomach. I focused on the task at hand and picked out black – not-quite skinny but tighter than my usual style – jeans and a purple tank top I hadn’t ever worn before. I’d bought it online because I loved the color and then I’d never felt comfortable wearing it because it hugged my body in all the places I wanted to hide. I brushed out my hair, put on a light touch of make up and slipped on ballet flats, then I checked my reflection in the floor length mirror attached to the door. It was actually the first time I’d used it.

Taking a deep breath, I left my room and headed toward the living room. Zach was already there. He wore dark jeans and a nice white shirt. He’d rolled up the sleeves, revealing strong forearms and tanned skin. He turned his head and caught me staring. His eyes roamed over me. I wished I knew what he was thinking. “You look beautiful,” he said.

Trying to hide my nervousness, I strode toward him. He held out his hand, palm upward. Without hesitation, I put my hand in his. How could something as simple as holding hands feel so right? I wasn’t sure what it was about Zach that made this possible. I was just glad that he gave me the chance to explore a normal life. Music was blasting from Brian’s room. At least, he wouldn’t try to stop us.

***

We arrived in the parking lot of the movie theater. We’d been holding hands all through the ride and I missed his touch when we let go of each other to get out of the car. The parking lot was crowded with people, mostly our age from what I could see. So many people. I hesitated beside the car. Zach held out his hand and I took it, glad for his presence. I clutched his hand as we approached the movie theater. The inside was brightly illuminated and it was even more crowded than the parking lot. As we entered, noises washed over me. Laughter and conversation. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been surrounded by so many people.

“Do you want popcorn or something else?”

My eyes darted toward the counter. “Popcorn sounds great.” We joined the long line waiting for their turn. A group of high school boys got in line behind us, tall and loud. One of them bumped into me and panic surged through me. I pressed against Zach, seeking his protection.

He shoved the guy back. “Watch it,” he snarled. The boy’s eyes widened, then he exchanged a look with his friends that made it obvious he thought Zach was overreacting, but they all backed a few steps away, giving me more room. Zach was impressive really.

He gazed down at me and whispered, “Are you okay? We can leave if you want.”

“No,” I said. “I’m fine.”

He wrapped an arm around my shoulder protectively. “Too much?”

I smiled. “No.”

In Zach’s arms, the people and the noise weren’t half as scary. His scent and warmth enveloped me in a cocoon of safety. We got our popcorn and then we headed for our seats. The seats beside ours were both occupied, and both with men. Swallowing my rising panic, I sank down. I scooted as close to Zach as possible and he slung his arm around me. His expression was worried as he scanned my face. I forced a smile and eased my head down on his shoulder. The lights went down and the commercials started. Zach rested the popcorn on his lap and our hands kept brushing and every time a small shiver ran through me. Even though I was snuggled up against him and his arm was around my shoulder, those occasional touches felt intimate and thrilling. They stirred something in my belly, made me wonder how his touch would feel in other places, but I had a long way to go before that was an option.

***

After the movie, Zach and I returned to our car and drove home. “I didn’t even think how crowded the movie theater would be,” he said after a while. “Sorry.”

“No. I really enjoyed it.”

“You did?” He threw me a doubtful look.

“I enjoyed having your arm around me,” I admitted.

Zach grinned. “Good, because I like putting my arm around you.”

A message flashed on my mobile when we got out of the car behind our building. It was from Brian and said: Where are you???

“Brian?” Zach guessed as we walked up to the front door of our apartment building.

“He wants to know where I am.”

“He’ll know soon enough,” Zach said. We stepped into the elevator and I smiled worriedly. “Maybe we should pretend we met in the hallway.”

Zach laughed. “You want to lie to Brian about us?”

“It’s just one date.”

Zach frowned. “I don’t want this to be our last date.”

“Neither do I.”

“So if we decide to give this dating thing a chance, we need to tell your brother.”

I sighed and slumped against the elevator wall. “You’re right. So are we dating now?” The question made me oddly nervous.

Zach twisted closer. Was he going to kiss me? I bit my lip. He towered a head over me and we were in a narrow space and this time I wasn’t the one in control, could I handle that? Zach stopped and only took my hand. Had he seen the doubt on my face? “We’re dating,” he said. A huge weight lifted off my chest. I stood on my tiptoes, curled my hand around Zach’s neck and pulled his face toward me, then brushed his lips with mine. The contact sent a thrill through my body. I wondered how it would be to deepen the kiss, but the elevator wasn’t the place for that. I was already surprised that I had kissed him at all. The elevator doors slid open and we stepped out. When we entered the apartment, Brian was sitting on the sofa. His eyes darted to our linked hands, then from Zach to me. He jerked up. This was going to end badly.

 

Zach

Brian looked as if he wanted to kill me. I squeezed Amber’s hand. “Maybe you should go into your room.”

Brian came around the sofa, straight for me. I never took my eyes off him. I’d done nothing wrong, no matter how much he wanted me to feel that way. “Brian,” Amber said in a warning tone. “This is what I want. Don’t give Zach trouble.”

“You don’t even know what this is. You’ve got no clue what you’re getting yourself into,” Brian muttered. He treated her as if she was a stupid kid.

Amber narrowed her eyes. “How can you say that? I want a normal life. I want a boyfriend. I want experience, closeness and love.” She snapped her mouth shut, looking embarrassed.

Love, huh? I forced my face to remain passive. I couldn’t let Amber see how the mere mentioning of love had shocked me, but Brian must have seen something in my expression. I knew she hadn’t meant that she loved me, but still I couldn’t help but be worried. The word love referred to a sort of commitment I’d never taken into consideration. Love had ruined my mother.

“I only want to talk to Zach,” Brian said.

“Talk?” Amber looked doubtful, so probably did I. Brian wanted to kick my fucking ass. “I don’t think that’s a good—” The ringing of her phone interrupted her. She stared down at the screen, then replied. “It’s Reagan. She’s at Kevin’s and wants to talk.” A knock sounded.

Amber let go of my hand and opened the door. “Where you waiting in front of the door or how did you get here so fast?”

Reagan smiled, but her eyes darted between Brian and me. It was probably obvious that we were about to start arguing. She took Amber’s arm and pulled her away. “Let the boys deal with their testosterone.” Both girls disappeared in the kitchen.

Brian waited for the door to close before he spoke, “What’s going on here?” I could tell how much it cost him to talk calmly.

“Amber and I went on a date.”

“A date?” Brian clenched his jaw.

“We want to give it a try.”

“What a try?”

“A relationship?”

Brian snorted. “You’ve got to be kidding.” He kept his voice low. “Amber isn’t ready for a relationship. You can’t just use her as your guinea pig to see if you’re capable of not sleeping around.”

“She’s not my guinea pig. Your sister and I discussed this. We both want to try it.”

Brian shook his head. “Damn it! Why couldn’t you have listened to me?” Suddenly he didn’t look angry anymore. He sank down on the armrest of the sofa.

I put a hand on his shoulder but he shook it off. “Listen, man, I’d never do anything that would hurt your sister. I really care about her,” I said, trying to be the voice of reason.

“Maybe not on purpose, Zach. But you are a womanizer. I doubt you can keep your dick in your pants for more than a couple of weeks.”

I clenched my fists. “Amber and I will make this work. Will you help me not messing up or will you stand by and keep glowering at me like I’m the second coming of Satan?”

Brian stood. He was a few inches shorter than me but somehow he managed to get us nose to nose. “For some reason, Amber wants to give you a chance. I haven’t seen her this happy since those bastards raped her. I won’t try to interfere because Amber would be angry if I did, but if you mess this up, if you hurt her, if you break her heart, our friendship is over. I’ll move out and never talk to you again, so you’d better not fuck up. Understood?”

I felt a twinge of worry. A lot was on the line. I could lose not only Amber but also Brian if I messed up. And so far my life had been a series of mess-ups. “Understood,” I said simply.

 

Amber

Reagan and I stepped into the kitchen, and she sat down at the table but I stayed close to the door to listen to Brian and Zach’s conversation. If they started shouting, I’d have to get between them. “So you and Zach went on a date?”

I’d sent Reagan a text earlier. I nodded.

“Tell me everything.” She pulled out the chair beside her. “And please sit down. Your brother isn’t going to kill Zach.”

“I’m not so sure.”

“Zach’s got about 50 pounds of muscle on your brother. There’s no way in hell Brian could beat Zach in a fight.”

“Is that supposed to calm me?”

Reagan patted the chair and I plopped into it. “So how was it?”

“It was nice.”

“Nice? Did you kiss?”

“Yeah, but…” My cheeks flamed. “Not really, you know?”

“So no tongue?”

I wished I could be as open about these things as Reagan. “I wanted to, but I was worried it would be too much. Or that Zach would want more if we really kissed.”

“Zach knows about your past. He wouldn’t think you’d be ready to get down and dirty because you French-kissed him,” she said. “And you can tell him ‘no’ when something is too much for you. Zach’s got his faults but he would never ever force you to do something you don’t want.”

I’d said ‘no’ three years ago. Had said it countless times. Had begged, cried, pleaded, shouted, whimpered, but that ‘no’ had meant nothing. Zach wasn’t like that. I knew that. Reagan touched my hand. “You have to voice what you want and don’t want. Believe me, Zach won’t mind if you’re open about your desires with him.”

It sounded so easy but even the word desire made me flush with embarrassment. “I don’t even know what I want.”

“You’ll find out together. If there’s one good thing about Zach’s experience, it is that he’s probably good at pleasing women.”

“Oh God.” I buried my face in my palms. “I don’t even know if I can feel something like that. Maybe what happened has made me numb.”

Reagan searched my face. “You worry that you can’t feel pleasure.” I gave a small nod. “Have you never tried to touch yourself?”

My skin felt so hot, it was a miracle that I hadn’t combusted yet. “No.”

“Why?”

I gave her a look. “Because after what happened, I couldn’t even think about anything like that without reliving everything.”

“And now?”

“I feel attracted to Zach.” I paused. “I want to kiss him.”

She grinned. “So when you see Zach’s muscled body, you do feel something?”

I definitely felt something whenever I saw Zach. “Yeah, I guess. It’s complicated. I don’t know what to do.”

“You have to be in control, Amber. Be the one to make the first step. Take matters in your own hands. Show Zach what you want. He’s probably as unsure and confused as you are. He needs your guidance.”

“Right. You said it yourself, he’s experienced and I’m not.”

“That’s got nothing to do with it. He’s never been with a girl like you. His usual women drop their panties at a smile from him. They most definitely weren’t virgins.”

Tears sprang into my eyes. “I’m not a virgin,” I whispered harshly.

“Yes, you are,” Reagan half-growled. “What those three assholes did to you was against your will. You never slept with a guy. You were violated. That doesn’t count.” She blinked rapidly.

I drew in a deep breath through my nose, forcing the tears back. I wasn’t going to cry. I’d shed too many tears over what happened. “It doesn’t feel like it.”

“When, if you ever decide to sleep with Zach or someone else, you’ll see what I mean.”

“I don’t know if I can ever sleep with Zach.”

“One step at a time. Just remember to take control.”

“Okay,” I said. Take control, was that even something I could do? Three years ago control was ripped from my hands and since then I’d never managed to reclaim it. Maybe Reagan was right. Maybe I needed to finally get it back. And what better way to do it than with Zach? He wouldn’t hurt me.

The door swung open, and Zach entered. His eyes darted between Reagan and me, and familiar warmth settled in my stomach. “Everything okay?”

I smiled. “Yes.” I tried to look past him. “Where’s Brian?”

“In his room.”

“Is he okay with…us?”

“As okay as he can be.” Zach took a carton of orange juice from the fridge and took a big gulp.

“Pig,” Reagan said. “You could use a glass.”

Zach winked at me. “Amber doesn’t mind.”

Reagan stood. “I should get back to Kevin. He’s probably already sulking.” She gave me a meaningful look as she passed and disappeared. Zach put the orange juice back into the fridge. It was already almost eleven, but I couldn’t stop thinking about what Reagan had said. I wanted to kiss, Zach. Take control.

I bit my lip.

“You have a strange look on your face,” Zach said with a grin, then became serious. “Are we okay? Did Reagan say anything about me? Anything bad?”

I laughed. “No.” I gathered my courage. “I want to kiss you.”

Zach’s eyebrows shot up. “You can kiss me whenever you want. You kissed me today.”

“I mean,” I said, my voice turning into a whisper. “I want a real kiss.” Could this get any more embarrassing?

Zach straightened, surprised. “Sure.”

“Can you sit down?” The words rushed out of me.

Confusion flickered on his face but he sank down on the chair Reagan had sat in without protest. I stood and slowly walked over to him. With him sitting, I had a couple of inches on him. He tilted his head up, not making any move to reach out for me. His hands rested on his thighs. He was trying to look as harmless as a man of his size and stature possibly could. Was Reagan right? Was he as nervous about this as me? Who knew what Brian had threatened him with? I stepped between his legs and put my hands down on his shoulders. Take control.

I’d kissed two boys before the incident, but this felt new. I wasn’t that girl anymore. She’d been broken, crushed, obliterated. For a long time I’d mourned her, had cried over the fact that she was lost to me forever and with her my happiness, my life, my future. Maybe what had been broken couldn’t be mended, maybe I could never be the girl from the past, but I could become someone new.

Zach’s eyes searched my face. I’d thought I could never trust a man again. Take control, I reminded myself again. It was a mere kiss, a kiss I’d been dreaming about for days now. But what if the worst happened and I had a panic attack? Would Zach decide I wasn’t worth the trouble? “Tell me what you’re thinking,” Zach murmured. Something stirred in me at the worry in his tone. I wanted this. I wanted to feel Zach’s lips on mine.

I brought my face closer to his until our breath mingled. Zach’s blue eyes bored into me, soft and encouraging. Maybe my brother was right. Maybe Zach was a mistake, but he was a mistake I wanted to make. It would be my choice. I pressed my mouth against his, my eyes closing. Gathering my courage, I touched my tongue to his lips, hoping he’d understand it as permission and take lead. Zach lifted one arm and gently cupped my cheek, then he opened his mouth and his tongue slipped past my lips. He was hot and tasted so good, and every brush of his tongue against mine sent a small shiver of pleasure through my body. I could even feel it in my toes. My choice. His tongue became more demanding and heat pooled in my belly. I wasn’t even sure what I was feeling, but it was so good, so freeing. I never wanted this to stop, this feeling of being in control of my body, my wants. Zach’s other hand came up to touch my back. My legs felt weak as our mouths glided over each other. I raked my fingers through Zach’s hair, and if possible the sensations cursing through my body got even more intense. I pulled back to catch my breath, my eyes fluttering open and meeting Zach’s gaze. The corners of his lips turned up and I couldn’t help but smile back. “You okay?” he asked softly, lowering his hand from my cheek.

“Better than okay.” My skin was still burning but this time it wasn’t only from embarrassment. I wanted to kiss him again and again.

 

Zach

My blood was pounding in my veins. Amber’s lips were swollen and red from our kiss and I wanted to press my mouth against hers again, wanted to kiss her until she lost all sense of herself. But it was late and my cock was already getting hard in my pants. I shifted, dropping my hands in my lap to hide the bulge. Amber didn’t need to see it. We were making progress and I didn’t want to ruin it because I wasn’t able to control my dick.

I wanted to take Amber to my room, wanted to lower her to my bed and find out if every part of her body tasted as good as her mouth. Fuck, she would be my undoing. I rubbed a hand over my face. “I’m tired.”

Disappointment flickered across Amber’s face. “Oh, right. It’s late.” She stepped back from between my legs, suddenly looking self-conscious.

“I can’t wait to kiss you again and again,” I said, and she lit up. She leaned forward and brushed a quick kiss across my lips. I almost groaned and my fucking cock actually twitched. This was sweet torture. “Sleep tight,” she whispered before she snuck out of the kitchen.

I wouldn’t sleep for a long time. When I was sure that Amber was in her room, I got up. My pants were too fucking tight for my hard-on.

In my room, I sank down on my desk chair and pulled out my cock, dropping my head on the backrest. I gripped my dick and started rubbing.

Images of Amber filled my head as I came all over my hand. I cleaned myself up, pulled on boxer shorts and fell back on my bed with a groan. Jerking off alone in my room wasn’t nearly as satisfying as I’d hoped it would be, but I’d just have to get used to it for now until Amber was ready for more. I really hoped that would be the case soon but I knew I couldn’t pressure her. I wouldn’t.

***

Screams tore through my sleep. I sat up, blinking into the darkness of my room. What was going on? I tried to shake off the remnants of my tiredness. Another scream sounded. I tensed. Amber. I threw off the blankets and leaped out of bed, then bolted out of my room and toward hers. Brian opened his door, his hair a mess. I stepped into Amber’s room, not caring if Brian disapproved. She was thrashing in her bed, the blankets tangled around her feet. She was only wearing a nightgown and her bare legs were slick with sweat. I tore my eyes away and walked up to the bed. She was crying, tears trailing over red cheeks. I wasn’t sure what to do.

I needed to free her from the horrors of her nightmare but I didn’t want to scare her. Brian was watching me from the doorway. I bet he hoped I’d turn on my heel and tell him I couldn’t deal with this. I bet he’d love to see me fail now when the relationship between Amber and me was still new and easy to break up. Amber whimpered, her arms flailing against an invisible assailant. Bile rose in my throat at the thought of what she’d been through. I wanted to kill the bastards that had hurt her, wanted to rip them to tiny shreds. I sank down on the edge of the bed and reached for her shoulder. The second my palm brushed her naked skin, she jolted awake, eyes wide and fearful. She lashed out with a cry, catching my face with her hand. My lip burned but I fought my instinct to grab her arm to protect myself. I wouldn’t restrain her. I’d been hit far worse in fight matches. Her eyes froze on my face. It took a moment for her to recognize me, then the panic and fight drained out of her. She sat up, breathing heavily. She scanned my face and her eyes grew wide. She touched a fingertip to my lower lip and looked at it. There was blood.

“Did I do that?” she asked in horror.

“It’s nothing.”

“I’m sorry.” She covered her face with her palms.

“It’s okay. Everything is okay.” I was about to get up when she lowered her hands and looked at me pleadingly. “Can you stay? Just for a little while.”

I was shocked by her request. I would have thought that she didn’t want me near after a nightmare. “Of course,” I said. Brian gave me a warning look. Did he think I’d actually try something after what I’d witnessed just now? I wasn’t that much of an asshole. He slipped out and quietly closed the door. Amber had never even noticed he was there. She moved to the side so I had more room on the bed. I sat back against the headboard, legs stretched out in front of me. Amber put her head back on the pillow, then she linked her hand with mine and closed her eyes. “I feel safe with you,” she mumbled.

“You are. I won’t let anyone hurt you again.” I stroked her head. “I’ll protect you.”

Slowly her breathing became even and her face relaxed. She was still clutching my hand and I was worried I’d wake her if I tried to go. Pumpkin glowered at me from his spot on the desk chair. I shifted until I was half lying, extinguished the lights and closed my eyes. Amber snuggled closer until her head was resting on my arm and her breath fluttered over my naked chest. Fuck. I should have thought of putting on a shirt before I came into the room. At least, I was on top of the covers. I moved the hand Amber was holding but she only tightened her grip. It felt good to have her at my side, even though I hated the reason for why I was here in the first place.