CHAPTER ELEVEN
MAYA. I woke after what seemed like only a few hours. However much time had passed, it wasn’t nearly enough to sleep off the damage I’d done. Soft light poured into the room through the beige curtains. Cameron wasn’t there. I should have taken his absence as a hint to leave, but I was in no condition for my walk of shame back home.
Exhausted and supremely hung over, I tossed back and forth. My legs tangled in the soft white sheets that were my only protection against the violent chills and waves of heat that tormented me. I cursed myself, hating this physical torture I’d brought onto myself. I’d overdone it again. I tried to quiet the self-loathing and prayed I could sleep it off soon. But I couldn’t relax enough to ignore the tight fist of my stomach around its contents and my body’s instinct to toss them.
Flashbacks of the previous night rushed through my mind, and my body heated every time I remembered my own stupidity. I kicked off the sheets again, realizing I was naked. Last night… Oh God. Cameron’s mouth on me. His words last night were framed by an otherwise blurry night of fun and bad decisions. I couldn’t imagine what he must think of me now. I cringed inwardly and another wave of nausea hit. Fuck.
I got up quickly. I found Cameron’s T-shirt on the floor and put it on. I rushed into the attached bathroom and knelt at the toilet. After only a little coaxing, my body finally rejected the night’s libations. I wished the regret would go with them. Breathless and shaking, I rose. I found a toothbrush in its package in one of the drawers and used it to wash away the terrible tinny taste of all the alcohol I’d poisoned myself with. I scolded my reflection in the mirror, wiping the smear of mascara from under my eyes. What a fucking wreck.
I padded back to the bedroom and considered Cameron’s large fluffy bed for a second. Then I dove back under the covers, unwilling to leave their comfort for the outside world yet. Hopefully he’d be gone a while longer. I curled my body into a fetal position, burying my face into the pillow that smelled like him. I grabbed another and squeezed my arms around it, only a little guilty of wishing it were him. I inhaled deeply. A soft musk mingled with the cool subtle scent of his soap filled my lungs. If I hadn’t felt so wretched, I might have considered this heaven. My body instantly relaxed, and I fell into an exhausted dreamless sleep.
When I came to again, Cameron’s arm was wrapped around my waist, his body loosely curled around my backside. By the change in the room’s light and my faint hunger, I guessed it was late afternoon. I blinked away the fog of sleep and the room came into focus again. White and unadorned except with basic furniture, the space seemed plain by contrast to the remodeled bathroom where floors and shower were marble and every fixture shone. I tried to remember what he’d said last night about fixing the place up.
Memories from last night were hazy, but the vision of his body hovering over mine, rocking into me, had me tingling all over again. As if last night had unlocked the most potent memories, thoughts of how sex had been with him plagued me. I kept shaking my head, trying to physically dislodge him from every thought.
His arm tightened around my waist and his erection strained against my ass. As promising as that was, I needed to get out of here and embark on my walk of shame before his proximity clouded all of my better judgment. I shifted, inching carefully from his grasp. He groaned and pulled me closer than I’d been before.
“Good morning.” He nuzzled my neck, kissing me softly there.
My nipples went hard, a shiver running across my skin. I bit my lip, tensing against the riotous response of my body.
He turned me to face him. His mouth curved into a sleepy smile as he propped up on his elbow. Even in a relaxed state, his abs looked ridiculously impressive and defined. No sane woman could resist him. My breath left me for a moment as I took in all his beauty again. I didn’t want to go, but I really should before I did something stupid. I’d already hit the quota for the weekend, and I was sober now. I had no excuse.
“How do you feel? You slept a long time.”
“Better,” I said. The sexual energy that pulsed through me seemed to obliterate the last of my wretched hangover. All I could think about now was him. My body came to life, as if I’d been waiting my whole life to be wanted the way his look told me he wanted me now.
I took an unsteady breath. “I should go now though. It’s getting late.”
“Maya, we need to talk.” His hand traced a lazy path up and down my thigh. Whether he was killing time or trying to find the right words, the motion was driving me insane. I was still pantiless and all too accessible to his roaming touch. “You didn’t tell me why were you so upset the other night.”
“I wasn’t,” I lied.
“You mentioned Raina last night. Darren wasn’t lying. There isn’t anything between us and you need to know that.”
“You can see whoever you want, Cam. I have no claim over you.”
“Yes, you do.” His voice was soft, his eyes relaxed but more serious than they had been a moment ago. “You’re the only one who’s ever had claim over me.”
I heated under his gaze. He brushed his hand over my cheek where the color no doubt had come to the surface. That simple touch had me wanting more. I fisted my hands to keep from reaching for him.
“I wanted you last night. It took everything I had to stop, but I couldn’t stand the idea that you’d regret it in the morning because you were drunk. Or worse, that you wouldn’t remember it at all.”
“I remember.” Most of it. I bit my lip at the hazy but intoxicating vision that passed behind my eyes. How his mop of inky black hair had moved between my legs, and how his piercing blue eyes had hunted me the way they hunted me now. I’d come like a rocket, so weakened with the release that I’d begged for more, for all of him.
“So do I. But now I want more.”
The soft rasp of his voice paralyzed any thoughts I’d had about fleeing. His lips parted, his tongue traveling over his bottom lip. The overall effect was brain-frazzling and willpower-crippling.
Sealing the moment and dispelling any lingering reservations, he kissed me, a soft but demanding kiss. I answered, eager for his taste as much as I knew it would be my undoing.
I could sense the determination in his touch as he gently kneed my legs apart and positioned himself between them. He tugged his shirt over my head, leaving me naked and exposed in a matter of moments.
The sharp lines of his face took my breath away. The skin over his cheeks tightened as he looked me over. There was determination in his movements, in the quiet domination of our kiss as his lips crushed against me again, his palms sliding over my skin, reclaiming every expanse of my body he’d once known so intimately. Once upon a time.
Our lips rushed over each other’s. His erection throbbed through his boxers against my belly. The rise and fall of his chest matched my own anxious breaths. My skin heated with a searing desire that stamped out any remote thoughts of shyness.
Still, doubt crept in, tainting the moment, when I only wanted be lost with reckless abandon.
“We shouldn’t do this.”
He stilled. “Tell me why, Maya. You push me away, but you’ve never given me a good reason.”
My lips parted, but I couldn’t speak. The words lodged in my throat. He had to know what was at risk, for both of us.
“I care about you too much,” I whispered.
Understanding softened his eyes. My throat thickened. I squeezed my eyes closed, unable to meet his gaze to say what I needed to say.
“You broke my heart. I—I want to be strong and pretend like it didn’t destroy me, but it did. I can’t do it again. I still have feelings for you, but—”
“Maya.” He caught my face in his palm, silencing me. “We’ll make it right this time.”
I tried to look away but he wouldn’t let me.
What he wanted seemed impossible in the face of what we’d been through. As much as I wanted it too, the reality of the situation hit me. I thought I could keep things between us casual, give in to the attraction, even revisit some of those old feelings—the good ones, the ones I could handle. But whatever forces had taken over this week had not inspired manageable, casual feelings. No miracle could piece me back together if I got invested again only to have him leave. How could I give him that chance?
“Everything is different now. We’ve changed.”
“We’ve both changed, but a day hasn’t gone by that I haven’t thought of you or wanted this. Most days I wished I’d never met you if it meant taking away what missing you so badly did to me. Believe me, I don’t want to go through that again either, but I can’t get you out of my head.” He hesitated, and the last words lingered. “I love you, Maya. I’ve never stopped loving you.”
My heart beat heavy in my chest. The pressure of his body on mine suddenly robbed me of the ability to breathe properly. His words echoed in the same deep place where I’d buried my ability to love a man, to give both my body and my heart to another person, trusting he’d cherish and protect it. Of all the stupid decisions I’d made in this life, I hoped sleeping with Cameron right now wouldn’t be one of them. I had a hard time saying no to anything I wanted this much, and I’d never wanted anything or anyone more than this.
“The question is do you want me? Do you want this...with me?” A flash of doubt passed over his eyes.
“I do, but I’m scared.” Of falling in love with you all over again. That you’ll leave me again.
My pride kept the confession silent, but my heart ached and swelled, a painful testimony of how deep these feelings for Cameron ran. Except doubt now colored the love I’d once succumbed to in simpler times, with innocence and abandon.
But that didn’t lessen how I wanted him now. Deep down, I wanted to lose myself in this love. I saw it, a tangible earthly thing that I could hold despite its sharp edges, jagged with the shattered pieces of our hearts. I couldn’t deny its compelling force, even knowing how I’d bleed if I let him inside and he hurt me again.
“I’m scared too, but I want you more than I’m scared to lose you again.” His eyes never left mine, never letting me question for a moment his intentions. They were the same eyes that bored into me when he’d asked me to marry him.
I closed my eyes, squeezing them tight to keep the tears locked out. How could he do this? Break me open with his words. And I came apart so easily.
“Say yes,” he whispered, his breath dancing across my lips.
He laced our fingers, raising my arms high above me. I was powerless, spread for him, a prisoner to the craving. The sharp ache that overtook my senses and better judgment last night was back with a vengeance. I weakened in the possessive embrace, letting the warmth of his body envelop me.
I might have been scared as hell, but every cell of my being wanted to be with Cameron right now. I longed for the slow tease of his lips across my skin, the wild vigor of him thrusting inside of me. I was on fire, and desire was winning.
“Yes.”
Then his lips were on me. Eager and urgent, he took my mouth. I met him fully, surrendering to my choice. My lips tingled, swollen from the passion of his movements.
Awakening stirred through me as his mouth roamed over my shoulder to my neck, nibbling and sucking. I gasped, bowing into his body. The heat of our naked bodies sliding over one another warmed me. A wild fever licked over my flesh everywhere we met. Already, I ached for him. A deep, wet ache that only he could satisfy.
He caught my breast in his hand, squeezing the soft flesh tenderly. He licked over one, then the other, grasping and sucking. I shifted anxiously beneath him, still powerless and pinned.
He released a hand, feathered his fingertips through the folds of my pussy. I gasped, lifting into the motion, eager for his intimate touch.
“You’re ready for me.” His blue eyes were dilated, hooded with lust.
I tightened around an exploring finger teasing my inner flesh. “I need you.” Yes, this was need. We’d surpassed want. I had to have him, even if falling this deep broke me again. Anything seemed worth it.
I reached for him, coaxing his boxers down to reveal his thick, hard erection. I bit my lip, trailing my fingers over the hot flesh. Squeezing him gently, I was overwhelmed with wanting him, the promise of the pleasure he could give me. He kicked his boxers off and leaned over to the bedside table. He ripped open a condom packet and rolled it on. I regretted that we’d have anything between us, but this wasn’t the time I wanted to spend discussing our sexual histories.
Then he was there, notching the head of his cock against me, exactly where I’d wanted him for days. I squirmed, eager to hasten the penetration, but he had my arms bound again, our fingers tightly interlaced. I arched impatiently, hooking my heels into the backs of his thighs to urge him closer. He pressed inside me only by the tip.
“I’ve wanted this”—he exhaled as he pushed in—“for so long.”
“Hurry.” I tightened my fingers through his, breathless with want.
He held me in his gaze as he slid deep, deliberate, and slow. “I want to feel you. It’s been too long.” The rumble in his voice vibrated through me.
“Cam…” I whimpered. I could have been praying, for all the power this man held over me, how at his mercy I was. When he was fully inside me, I swallowed over the sudden urge to cry. Something about the deep connection of our bodies in this moment had me unraveling. I loved this man, even though I couldn’t say the words now. I loved him so much I could scarcely breathe.
He lowered, sealing our lips with a possessive kiss. He retreated slowly and thrust again. I shuddered at the exquisite sensation of him filling me, over and over. He made his presence known as my body stretched to accommodate the invasion, a bittersweet pleasure that I’d come to love, to crave.
He moved a hand to my hip, lifting and angling me so he could deepen the penetration. Immediately I let my free hand roam through his hair, down his chest, clawing at his waist as he pumped into me. His hips ground against mine as he claimed me in the most intimate way possible.
The tip of his cock massaged me from the inside, hitting a sensitive spot. He filled me so completely, there was no missing it. Pleasure coursed through me like lightening every time he grazed it, satisfying the sweet ache.
Every motion brought me closer to the edge. The rhythmic friction, the tight grip of my flesh encircling his had me coming apart at the seams. An orgasm was within reach and the tease of the sensation had me spasming, my pussy clutching against him to heighten the impact of every stroke. I cried out, my head rearing back on the pillow.
“Fuck.” His forehead dropped to the bed beside me, his breath on my neck. “Maya…you’re so sensitive.”
“I can’t help it. You feel incredible.” My breaths came fast, my mind reeling with desire. “Please don’t stop.”
I caged him to me tightly with my thighs, desperate to know his strength as he let go.
“Hard, Cam. Please I want you deep.”
He growled in my ear, taking my earlobe in his mouth. “I’ll bruise you.”
“Then bruise me. I can’t wait anymore. I need all of you.”
He found my mouth, the intensity of his kiss a prelude to what would come. My words set him off, spurring a rugged pace. I clung to him, my body wrapped perilously around his unyielding frame. He moved with fierce drives, his muscles rippling under the heated flesh as he powered deep.
I wanted to cry out, but I was already at the edge. My voice and every limb were paralyzed by the climax as it ripped through me. A violent heat exploded from my core and finally brought air to my lungs. With it, a thready cry tore from me, the last of my resistance going with it.
Through the blur of my release, I stayed with him, ready to see him over the edge. His jaw tensed, and his eyes closed. He cursed. Burying his cock until it reached the very end of me one last time, he froze.
“Maya.”
A guttural groan escaped as he came. He collapsed over me, his cock pulsing inside me with the aftershocks that trembled between us.
He encircled me in his arms. His heart beat against my chest, proof of the stampede of energy that coursed through us both. Pressing breathy kisses over my skin, he soothed the wild rush. I threaded my fingers through the damp strands of his hair. Every small touch seemed right and true between us.
Bliss, an intoxicating contentment, washed over me. I chased after the memory of the pleasure. I opened my eyes when he shifted over me. He rested on his elbows, a lazy smile lighting up his face.
I smiled in reply. “What?”
“Nothing like make-up sex five years in the making.”
I laughed. A tired heaviness inside me lifted, making room for his warmth, this simple happiness. My soul was lighter, stripped for the moment of my emotional defenses. As if by a light shining through the clouds, a dark memory from our past brightened. I remembered this. This had been our love.
CAMERON. We lay there for a long time, drifting in and out of sleep. I had no desire to leave or move if it meant putting unnecessary distance between us. I had her, and I had no intention of letting her go.
Her back was to me, her body barely covered by the sheet. Her chest moved with a steady rise and fall that told me she was sleeping. Somehow, between last night and this afternoon, I’d completely missed that she had a large tattoo on her back. I moved the sheet enough to reveal all of it. I traced the black ink that marked her skin, the flesh raised slightly beneath my fingertips like a scar. I wondered what this meant—a sketch of jagged branches drawn at the small of her back and a flock of stark black birds taking flight up the side of her torso.
What did it mean? As much as she’d changed, Maya didn’t strike me as the type of girl who’d mark her body without it having meaning. She didn’t strike me as the type of girl who’d have a tattoo at all, but she was surprising me left and right. This new Maya was still a mystery to me.
Inexplicably, I wanted to kiss her then. I pressed my lips to her shoulder and down her arm, slowly and gently so I wouldn’t startle her if she woke. With every brush against her skin, I breathed her in. The velvet softness of her skin was intoxicating. No woman had ever felt so soft. The curves of her body called to me like no one’s ever had. My fingers itched to claim them again, to pull her up against me, over me. I wanted to sheath my cock in the warmth of her tight little body. Already I wanted her again. Hours wouldn’t be enough.
She’d given herself to me. Never had I felt so gutted, so desperate to possess someone physically the way I had with her. We’d danced around our attraction all week, and I’d begrudged Darren’s seedling of advice, however inspired, to give ourselves over to what we wanted. Now we would see how it played out. I hadn’t planned to tell her I loved her. I’m not sure I’d even admitted it to myself. But something had transformed between us and the words had simply rushed out.
Everything was like that with Maya. A familiar impulse, a craving I had no good sense to resist because I’d indulged it already. My body and mind refused to go without the best thing I’d ever experienced, the embodiment of her love.
I idly traced my fingertips over a tiny black bird, its wings outspread over the back of her rib. Maya stirred then. She looked over her shoulder with those beautiful brown eyes.
My chest tightened almost painfully, like the wind had been knocked out of me. “You’re beautiful,” I whispered.
She frowned slightly as she turned, a confused smile turning up her mouth. “I doubt it.”
She lifted the sheet up to cover her breasts. I tugged it back, even lower than where it originally was. I caressed her skin, obsessed with every curve and contour of her body.
“You’ve never looked so gorgeous. I like you like this. No makeup, your hair wild like this. The ‘just fucked’ look works for you.”
She shook her head with a smile. “Yeah, right. I’m a mess.”
“A beautiful mess.” I kissed her. With my hand, I followed the arc of the design that I could no longer see on her back. “What does this mean?”
“What?”
“The tattoo.”
She hesitated, her eyes now more alert. She linked her arms behind my neck. “That was amazing, earlier,” she murmured, bending toward me. “I’m not sure how I managed to go without that for so long.”
Her breath warmed my lips. She darted her tongue out, licking my lower lip before seizing it between her teeth, biting down gently. I groaned, and she licked over the sting of her bite. My cock stirred back to life, ready for her. I grasped her hip, barely resisting the urge to push into her right then and there.
What the fuck? The tattoo. My brain shifted back. She was avoiding the subject, but I pressed. “Tell me about it. When did you get it?”
She relaxed back into the bed. Her eyes were somber now, darker, as if she were remembering something unpleasant. “A long time ago.”
“And?”
She sighed, seeming to give up some resistance on the subject.
“It was a dark time in my life. Without you and…other things that were happening.”
I lifted an eyebrow. “So you commemorated it with a tattoo?”
She frowned and looked away. “It’s not like that. I guess it’s hard to understand.” Her body tensed in my grasp and a coldness began to creep between us. I caught her chin, turning her to face me once more.
“I don’t, but I want to. Help me understand.”
Her lips set firmly, resistance back in place.
“Please,” I urged, tracing the bow of her mouth.
She took a slow breath. “I think there’s something cleansing, even cathartic about getting ink. The decision, then the pain and the healing. Not just physically, on the skin. On the inside, it helped me heal. I remembered running my fingers over it the same day, feeling the beginning of a scar. It was kind of a rush, but something about it gave me strength when I needed it.”
“It’s enormous. It must have hurt like hell.”
She shrugged. “I knew it would hurt, but I’m not sure if the experience would have been the same without the pain.”
I nodded, trying to wrap my head around what she described. I’d put myself in harm’s way to deal with my demons, but never to commemorate them.
“It probably sounds strange, but getting the tattoo was like a rite of passage for me. Having it and remembering where I was emotionally at the time doesn’t make me sad. It reminds me that I can survive, that I came out of a difficult time in one piece.”
Maya’s lip trembled and she fidgeted with the edge of the sheet. She hadn’t opened up like this to me before, maybe ever. More and more my vision of Maya, who she was in her soul, began to resolve with the memory. The brown-eyed, blond-haired angel I used to love had changed, her bright flame both darkened and intensified at once, as if she’d walked into a long, cold shadow on her path and had spent the past four years trying to outrun it.
“Sometimes you don’t seem happy. I don’t have much to compare it to, but were you so much unhappier then than you are now?”
“Markedly. I’d lost you, I…” She swallowed hard and bit her lip, reddening the already rose-colored plump of flesh with the tip of her teeth.
Tension rippled through me with the unpleasant memory of how I’d left her. Wanting to forget it as quickly, I kissed her shoulder. I breathed in her subtle scent, reveling in the warm, petal-soft skin beneath my lips. Maya’s soul was encased in this body—warm impassioned flesh. Marked with dark symbols, her body held secrets to her past. I wondered what other truths I might uncover from it when she wasn’t pushing me away from her innermost thoughts.
I resisted the urge to let my mouth wander, to coax out the cries she’d given me earlier. I couldn’t ignore the premonition that more dwelled below the surface.
“You said other things… What other things were happening?”
She gave me a gentle push away. Resistant at first, I leaned back, giving her room to sit up. She moved her legs over the edge of the bed and rose quickly before I could pull her back down to me. She found her dress on the floor and slipped into it, the tight fabric hugging her everywhere.
“Where are you going?”
“I have to go home. Eli is probably wondering where I disappeared to.”
She had a valid point. In fact, I wondered why her phone hadn’t been ringing off the hook. She’d been gone for almost an entire day, and we’d never let anyone know we left. She could have been anywhere, with anyone. Maybe they assumed we would end up together last night, but then again, maybe this was routine.
Memories from last night played in my mind. The one with another women’s mouth on her shot to the forefront. I fisted my hand, bristling at the display they’d put on, how I’d nearly pummeled their onlookers.
“You disappear a lot on Saturday nights?” The question came out before I could think about its implication or temper the meaning and disappointment that laced every word.
She shot me a cold look. Motionless, she stared, and regret rooted in my gut. She grabbed her purse and pulled on her coat.
“Bye, Cam.”