CHAPTER EIGHT
MAYA. I stared blankly at the screen in front of me. The numbers and letters blurred. All I could think about was Cameron’s mouth on me, his body crushed against me. The attraction hummed between us. I’d pushed him away just in time. One more second against the wall and my already weak willpower would have snapped like a twig. If I hadn’t interrupted the moment, I had little doubt we would have spent the night in my bed instead of curled up on my couch watching bad television until we couldn’t keep our eyes open.
If Cameron had been anyone else, I would have slept with him without a second thought. When it came to men, I was impulsive, yet always carefully guarded. I’d been this way for years, never saying no to a vice or a pleasure that could bring me through a difficult moment right into the next. Cameron was turning into both a vice and a pleasure of the most dangerous variety.
I wanted him, and he wanted me, but as we climbed the stairs to the apartment, a little voice that knew better had reminded me that something more was at stake—my heart, the same one he’d destroyed when he left me the first time. The same destruction I’d written about and that I really hoped he hadn’t read. The thought of him looking through that window into the world of my words was exponentially worse than facing Eli’s inebriated opinions.
I closed my eyes, trying in vain to lessen the torrent of emotions. Being with Cameron now was like a slow dance, and every time we met, we came closer. We touched more, laughed more. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t fight the way he made me feel from one minute to the next, which varied from massive irritation to the potent desire pulsing through me at the moment. God, what I wouldn’t do to be in his arms now. One of these days I’d find myself pressed against him, begging him for more, drowning out that tiny voice of reason, and very likely barreling headfirst into inevitable heartbreak.
I groaned inwardly and crossed my legs, painfully aware of how badly I wanted him. My body remembered him, regardless of my mind’s better judgment. My skin heated with the memory of his touch. Unless one of us had the good sense to stop it, sleeping together wasn’t a matter of if, but when.
I jolted when the phone on my desk rang. I picked it up and my boss’s predictably curt voice came through the receiver.
“Maya, come see me in my office please.”
“Sure, I’ll be right there.”
I took a deep breath and my mind spun over what he’d want to meet me about. Kevin Dermott rarely had anything nice to say to me. Since I’d been at the company, he’d only spoken to me to note a shortcoming or highlight what he wanted me to do next. Positive reinforcement was a foreign concept to him.
I walked into his office. He was poring over some papers at his desk but motioned for me to sit at one of the chairs facing his desk. Dermott was in his mid-forties and predictably clean cut, with a crew cut of dark blond hair and a gray suit that highlighted the gray in his eyes. He was an attractive man, and I might have counted that among his qualities if he weren’t such a prick most of the time. He wore a simple platinum band on his ring finger, reminding me that I wasn’t the only woman who had to tolerate him.
“You were late from lunch today,” he said.
“Yes, well, I—”
“I’m expecting those reports today, as we discussed.”
“I’ll have them to you within the hour. I’m almost done.”
“Good.”
Never mind that I’d worked through most of my lunch. I decided not to bother defending myself. He was in the mood to railroad me so I didn’t want to spoil his moment. Instead, I sat patiently waiting for him to continue.
“The holiday party is next week. Assuming you’ll be attending?”
“Yes, of course.” I’d planned to attend out of sheer obligation. Sober mingling with dozens of people who I had the displeasure of working with on a daily basis was not my idea of good times. If I had anything to drink, I’d end up telling every last one of them what I really thought about them, as I was apt to do at the end of every Saturday night.
“The company officers will be there. There’s a deal coming through that we’ll need extra hands for, and they may be interested to know who will be involved.”
“Are you saying you want me to be involved?”
He sat back in his chair and looked me over. “Despite your attitude, yes. You’re one of the best people I have. This would be a good opportunity for you, that is, if you don’t have other plans for the holiday. It could run into Christmas.”
“I don’t actually.” I almost relished the idea of being able to work through the holiday so I could distract myself from the reality that everyone around me would be celebrating. Eli and Vanessa had their families, and every year I turned down their invitations to celebrate with them. Something about tagging along seemed even more depressing than waiting out the day on my own.
“Good choice. Consider yourself on the team. We’re starting on the paperwork today, so plan to stay late.”
Perhaps because Dermott’s offer was laced with an insult, I couldn’t quite celebrate it. He was giving me an opportunity, picking me among the mass of cubicle dwellers, to help with a deal that could set me apart. I reminded myself of Jia’s advice. I should jump at this. Play the game.
“No problem. Let me know what you need.”
A half smile twisted his features. I resisted the urge to tell him to fuck off. Instead I returned it with a perfectly polite subordinate smile.
“I will. I’ll look for those reports shortly too.” He straightened and shifted his attention back to his papers, scribbling his pen across some documents.
I took the signal to leave. Stepping out, I nearly ran into Jia.
“Hey, did you just talk to Kevin?”
“Yeah.”
“Did he mention the Cauldwell deal?”
“He didn’t mention it by name, but I assume that’s the one.”
“And you agreed?”
“Of course.”
“Perfect.”
The twinkle in her eye made me wonder if she’d been behind the whole thing.
“I’ll be working on it too. It’ll be great to have some friendly company. Speaking of, what are you up to this weekend?”
“Uh, I don’t know yet,” I lied. Our rapport was launching forward pretty quickly. I’d already told her about Cameron and how much I couldn’t stand my job. I wasn’t sure about confessing how I partied hard every weekend. That seemed to go against the professional progress I’d very recently made.
“I might be grabbing drinks with a couple friends on Saturday night. Maybe we can meet up,” she said.
“Sure.”
“Sounds good. Email me your number. I’ll text you with details.”
I agreed and returned to my desk, trying unsuccessfully to make sense of this new development at work. First Jia’s unexplainable eagerness to be…friends? And now this new opportunity to work on an important deal. At least this would be a welcome distraction from Cameron, who’d taken over my thoughts with a vengeance this week.
Alex was by in a matter of minutes to grill me about the meeting with Dermott, seeming shocked that I’d been chosen for this all-so-important responsibility. When he left, I reoriented myself with what I was working on. I smiled as a different kind of energy surged through me. I hated to get my hopes up, but maybe between work, Cameron, and this new health kick, I was getting my life together after what felt like years of simply living and getting by.
I texted Cameron that we’d have to miss our workout tonight. I registered a pang of regret that I’d miss seeing him, but we could probably use the space. Things had become too heated last night, and I needed some time to figure out how I was going to handle all of this tension between us.
The next evening, Dermott let us leave early, for no other reason than he had plans on a Friday night.
I poked my head into the gym’s small office in the back. I was dressed, energized, and oddly eager to start tonight’s torture session. I’d gone almost forty-eight hours without seeing Cameron and he was nowhere in sight.
“Where’s Cameron?”
Darren looked up from the computer screen. Around him, the desk was overflowing with stacks of paper. “He had to take care of something back at the house. He said I could work with you tonight.”
“Why didn’t he just call me?”
“I think he probably thought you’d skip your workout.”
I rolled my eyes. “Jerk.”
He laughed. “He might be back before we’re done. You can tell him yourself.”
“You don’t have to babysit me, Darren. I think I can probably figure things out for myself today. Thanks though.”
I turned to leave when Darren stopped me. “Hey, what’s the plan for this weekend? Cam said you guys were going out.”
“Oh.” I hesitated. “Yeah.”
He stared blankly ahead, apparently waiting for more details.
“We usually hit up Muse. We can meet you guys for drinks across the street before we head over.”
“You want us to pick you up?”
“No, I have to coordinate with Vanessa and Eli anyway. We’ll probably be there around ten.”
“Who’s Vanessa?” He cocked an eyebrow, a gesture that instantly worried me.
“A friend. You’ll meet her.”
He nodded and turned back to his work. “Cool. I’ll see you out there in a bit. I need to finish up this schedule.”
I walked back toward the free weights. I rested my hands on my hips, noting a new sense of empowerment. Day five and though sore, I was a pro, or so I told myself. Who needs a personal trainer?
I silently commended myself for moving up a weight class in my admittedly very low-weight division. I was up to 15-pound dumbbells and pretty damn pleased with myself as I lifted them easily. Small triumphs. I caught Raina’s reflection in the mirror as she approached me. She was dressed for one of her yoga classes.
“Hey, Maya. How’s it going?”
“Going great, you?”
“It’s been busy. Mind if I join you?”
“Of course not. Go for it.” My self-esteem took an immediate hit when she grabbed a heavier set and went through her motions with perfect form.
“So Darren tells me you’re Cameron’s ex. Is that right?”
I set my weights down for a break. “Yeah, something like that.” I hated being called Cameron’s ex. The term seemed too negative when we were trying to rekindle something positive—a friendship, or something that my body definitely wanted to be more than friendship.
“That’s funny.”
“Why?”
“He’s never mentioned you, that’s all.”
What the hell does that mean?
I reached for the weights again, hoping to mask my irritation with another set. I pretended to ignore her, but I followed her movements through the rest of my workout, hating her impressively toned body with every minute that passed. Cameron and she could be the perfect couple on the cover of some fitness magazine. My energy waned at the thought.
Why would she say something like that unless she and Cameron had history of their own? He didn’t strike me as the type to talk relationships with just anyone, but maybe she wasn’t just anyone.
Before my thoughts could run away any further, Darren returned.
“Hey, sorry about that.”
“No worries. Raina and I were just catching up,” I said with an unmistakable hint of sarcasm. Was I posturing over their yoga instructor?
“Want to do some shoulder work?”
“Sure.” I didn’t care as long as it brought me closer to the end of the workout and hopefully farther away from Raina.
“So what’s the story with her?” I tried to keep my voice steady.
“What do you mean?”
“Do Cameron and Raina have something going on?”
He laughed. “No, definitely not. Much to her disappointment.”
Despite Darren’s infectious grin, my earlier inkling of jealousy surged. I looked across the room, searching for her figure among the crowd. Why? So I could give her a dirty look? Christ, get a grip.
Unable to find her again, I finished the last set with methodical determination.
“You okay?” Darren frowned, concern wrinkling his brow.
“I’m fine,” I mumbled.
“There’s nothing going on with them, Maya. I can assure you that.”
I managed a thin smile. “Thanks, but it’s really none of my business. I’m not even sure why I asked.”
Who was I kidding? Probably not Darren, master of female manipulation. I asked because I simply had to know. In that moment, nothing had been more important than finding out if he and Raina had history.
I hit the locker room and dressed quickly. The thought of her pursuing Cameron, regardless of his level of interest, pissed me off. That she might be trying to create friction between us so we didn’t get too close pissed me off even more.
Five days with Cameron and I was already marking my territory—unbelievable.
Cameron walked through the front doors as I was about to make my escape. Shit.
“Hey, I was hoping to catch you before you left.” He smiled, his eyes bright.
“Well you caught me.”
I wished I could light up for him too, but I was too pissed off, too much in my own head to be cheerful for him.
“Sorry, I got held up. I had some people doing some work at the house and had to stay late.”
“It’s fine.”
Raina passed us, smiling sweetly at him before meeting my gaze.
“Hey.” He nodded casually in her direction.
“Hey, hon.”
Those two little words out of Raina’s mouth had me grinding my teeth. I scolded myself for caring. I shouldn’t care. I shouldn’t care at all. I pushed past Cameron and headed toward the front doors.
“Hey, where you running off to?” He grabbed my hand.
“I’m heading out. I’m pretty sure this marks the end of my week of torture. That was the deal, right?”
He frowned. “Is everything okay?”
“I’m fine. Just tired. It’s been a long week, you know.” My body weakened as I said the words. Cameron was right that working out had given me more energy, but right now all I felt was wiped out. Now I was emotionally exhausted and draining by the minute.
“Well, it’s Friday. You can take it easy now.”
“I plan to. I have a date with a glass of wine. I think I’ve earned it.” I had a date with a bottle, but I figured I would omit that small detail.
His eyes turned serious. “Maya,” he whispered, closing the distance between us and brushing my cheek. “What’s going on? You seem upset.”
I leaned into his touch, my whole body relaxing with the contact. I wanted him to pull me into his arms the way he had before, like I was already his. Why? Why did I want him so damn much? Why couldn’t I keep him at a distance like everyone else?
“Let me take you out. I can have Darren cover me tonight.”
“No, I’m fine,” I insisted. “I have to go. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow night. I gave Darren the details.”
His brow wrinkled. I offered him a small smile, hoping he’d leave me be. The past day might have given me a little clarity, but now I was as mixed up as I had been the last time we were together.
He released me and I pushed through the doors, relishing the cold. I needed air. I needed a drink. This week had been sobering, literally, but in that space Cameron’s presence had left me off kilter, more than usual.
The truth was that deep down I wanted Cameron to myself. When we talked about more, as much as I’d kept the possibility indefinite, that’s what I wanted. Except I’d buried that person long ago. Being attracted to him was one thing, but wanting to secure that special place in his world as badly as I did was another. The way I’d reacted after my brief conversation with Raina indicated how far I’d already fallen.
CAMERON. “What the fuck did you say to her?”
I slammed the door behind us and Darren’s eyes went wide.
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Maya. What you did say to her?”
“I don’t know. We did a shoulder workout.”
I caught his shirt and shoved him against the wall.
“Tell me,” I growled, my adrenaline spiking.
He shoved me back, confusion replaced with an anger that met my own. “Christ, get hold of yourself, Cam.”
“She looked like hell when she ran out of here. You must have said something to her.”
“Fuck.” He shook his head and rubbed his forehead. “Raina.”
“What about Raina?” I frowned and took a tentative step back, not entirely sure I was finished with him.
“Maya asked if there was anything going on between you two. I reassured her there wasn’t but that Raina’s got a thing for you. She seemed pissed about it for a second but then nothing. It was like she shut off. We went through the rest of the workout, and she didn’t say more than three words to me.”
“Fuck.”
I was all too aware of Maya’s ability to shut someone out from what she was really thinking. I struggled to think of what would have upset her so much. I walked away and paced a line in front of the desk.
“With your reputation, she probably thinks you were bullshitting her, trying to cover for me or something.”
“My reputation?” He grimaced, the words laced with challenge.
I faced him again. “We’re brothers, best friends, and we work together. She hasn’t seen me in five years, and I don’t think she’s seen you in here once without some woman all over you or vice versa. She probably assumes I’m on the same plan and she’s nothing but a new conquest.”
“She isn’t a conquest? You haven’t had your hands all over her every time she’s been here? I’m not fucking blind, you know. What makes you so goddamn noble?”
“You and I are not the same,” I gritted out, though my anger toward Darren was waning.
“No? Because I don’t want to settle down and have a litter with the first girl who gets all starry eyed after a wild night?”
We both caught our breath, a tense silence between us. This wasn’t the time or the place to get into Darren’s lifestyle with women. I had bigger issues to deal with. Something else—someone else—had inspired this cold attitude from Maya.
“Sorry, this isn’t about you,” I finally said, though it burned me to utter the words.
“Apology accepted.” He straightened and his furrowed brows ironed out. “Believe it or not, I want this to work with you two, Cam. I wouldn’t make things difficult between you intentionally. I hope you realize that.”
I nodded. “I know. She’s…shit, I don’t know. It’s hot and cold with her. Every time I think we’re getting close to where we were, something happens, some shift between us and I feel like she’s slipping away. I can’t stop it because I’m afraid I’ll push her away completely. It’s driving me crazy.”
“Yeah, I can see that.” He laughed. “You haven’t slept with her, have you?”
I shook my head.
“You think you’re going to screw everything up with her if you fuck her, don’t you?”
“It’s a concern I have, yeah. I don’t want to rush into things, have her regret it, and freak out.” God knew, I wanted to, but she was cagey enough. The blowback from sleeping together too soon could be enough to push her away for good. The other night had proved that.
“I know you think I don’t know anything about women, but Maya strikes me as the type of person who knows what she wants. Do you think it’s something she wants?”
“I don’t think it. I know it.” She didn’t have to tell me outright, her body had. Small gestures, the subtle reactions of her body, the not-so-subtle reactions of her body. I could have capitalized on any number of them and had her, but still I held back.
“Then what the hell are you waiting for? You’re just giving her more time to come up with some excuse not to, to push you away like you’re already afraid she’s going to.”
“If all I wanted was to get her into bed, I could have done that already. Maybe she deserves time to decide whether or not it’s something she wants. I left her without a word five years ago and never looked back. I’m sure she harbors some doubts about whether this is even a good idea. I sure as hell have.”
“Obviously not enough to stay away.”
“True enough.”
Darren shook his head. “If you care about her that much, Cam, you should just be with her and see what happens.”
I sighed, beginning to feel as tired as Maya had looked when she pulled away from me tonight. I wanted nothing more than to track her down at her apartment and get to the bottom of this, but maybe we both needed a night to think and make sense of what all of this meant between us.
“I’m heading home. Can you cover me tonight?”
“Sure. I’ll see you in the morning.” He waved me off.
I walked home, more certain than I’d ever been that I wanted Maya. There was no question. She wanted me too. Nothing could convince me otherwise. As I walked back home, to what would surely be another restless night, I resolved that whatever had changed in our lives wasn’t enough to keep this from working.