Sabrina

He did it to me again…shocked me into silence. I knelt there with my mouth hanging open, not knowing what to say.

“Weren’t you going to ask?” He sounded incredulous and his eyes shadowed with an emotion I couldn’t quite place, and certainly didn’t want to name, since it looked suspiciously like hurt. His voice was quiet, almost hoarse, when he spoke again. “Or don’t you care?”

For some reason, my eyes filled with tears. Maybe it’s because I did care, and didn’t want to. Maybe it’s because he sounded so concerned about whether I cared or not. But I’ll tell you one thing…it is not because I have any romantic feelings for this man.

On that thought, I spoke, and perhaps a bit too harshly. “Why would I be surprised that you have a child?” I placed the ice cup on the table next to Dan then stood and turned away from him, wiping my suddenly sweaty palms on a towel. “If anything, I’m surprised Lexi is the only one.” I faced him once again, my brow raised. “Or is she?”

“Yes, she’s the only one.” His words were carefully spaced, squeezed out through clenched teeth.

“Hmmm.” I shrugged. “Well, that’s something,” I said as I moved across the room toward the hamper to discard the used towel, more for something to do than out of necessity. “Then I suppose I should be commending you on your outstanding behavior.”

The moment that comment slipped, I wished I could just take it back.

Why am I being such a bitch?

In order to avoid the piercing gaze I felt at the back of my head, I straightened a stack of towels. That took a total of ten seconds, in which time the room was so filled with tension, I was finding it hard to breathe. With nothing left to do, I turned around and faced Dan.

The look on his face was far worse than I had imagined it would be after my snide comments. His green eyes were bright with anger, but cloudy with so many other emotions I got lost trying to put a name to each and every one.

The anger I understood. My comments on the subject had been juvenile and totally uncalled for. But I had trouble explaining the other emotions I saw lurking in his gaze. The hurt, regret, and disappointment were easy to define, but I still hadn’t put a name to several others when he finally spoke, putting an end to the almost deafening silence.

“Will you ever forgive me?”

I was suddenly thrust back in time staring not into the face of the man in front of me, but that of the twenty-one-year-old I had loved back in college. He’d asked me that same question once upon a time. The answer I gave him back then was fueled by anger, a broken heart, and the shattered dreams and illusions of a naïve twenty-year-old girl.

I closed my eyes and mentally counted to ten in an attempt to clear my head. When I opened them again, I saw Dan waiting expectantly for my answer. And the Dan I saw was the Dan of today, and not the one of the past, so I felt some sense of accomplishment.

“Dan, I want to apologize for my comments. They were totally uncalled for. Lexi is a wonderful little girl, and I’m sure you’re the one to responsible for that.” The tension slowly drained from his body, and his blazing eyes darkened. I took those as good signs and continued, “I promise to behave from now on.” I smiled and held my right hand up as though taking an oath.

Good. This is good. I am going to make it through this.

Since he seemed to be relatively calm, I moved next to him, picked up the ice cup, and ran it over his knee again. That done, I manipulated his leg in a series of movements to judge his range of motion.

“Scale of one to ten,” I said in my most professional voice, “how bad is the pain when you unbend it this far?” I moved his leg so it was a forty-five degree angle to the floor.

“Ten,” he gritted out through clenched teeth.

“How about this?” I held his leg out straight and rotated it slightly.

He thought for a moment. “Seven or eight.”

He was a good sport while I finished my evaluation, but his pale complexion and sweaty brow told me he was in pain.

I picked up the brace and put it back on his leg. “I think that’s enough for today. I’ll work on a routine tonight, and we can get started tomorrow.”

I took his silence for consent and started to gather my things. “Do you need help going upstairs?” When he didn’t answer, I turned to face him.

“You never answered my question.”

“Your question?” I knew damn well what question he was talking about, and could tell he knew that I knew, but I decided to play dumb anyway.

He spoke with exaggerated patience. “Do you think you’ll ever be able to forgive me?”

Oh hell.

How am I supposed to answer that? My feelings on the subject are so jumbled I’m not even sure what the answer is. We were practically kids when the actual events took place, but I’d be lying if I said his actions haven’t affected every relationship I’ve had since then.

In the two years we were together, I never once suspected he’d cheated on me. It just didn’t seem like something he would do. He was so loving and attentive and we spent practically every waking moment together. I still can’t imagine how he had time to cheat. But he did, multiple times, with multiple women. Once I confronted him, the ball started rolling and before I knew it, I had more information than I cared to.

The thing that pissed me off then, and still does now, is that he was totally unrepentant. He just chalked it up to the whole “boys will be boys” thing. I quickly stopped my train of thought so I didn’t lose my temper again and start making snotty comments.

“Bri?” He sounded unsure as he said my name, snapping me out of my wayward thoughts.

I cleared my throat to speak, although I had no clue as to what I was going to say. “Dan, all that happened so long ago. I’d be a real bitch if I was still hanging on to it.”

He searched my eyes for a moment before nodding. I thought that was the end of the subject, but he apparently wasn’t ready to let it go. “But you still hate me for it.” It wasn’t a question, but a bold statement and before I could comment on it, he continued. “I can’t even begin to imagine how the whole thing affected you. I was so stupid back then. We had a great thing and I…” He shook his head as if trying to get the idea of exactly what he’d done out of his mind. “I’m so sorry about everything.”

“Dan, like I said, that was a long time ago.”

“I just don’t want you to hate me anymore.”

Trying to lighten the mood, I said, “Afraid I’ll make you work your butt off tomorrow?”

“I can handle it.”

“Think so?”

He nodded. “The only thing I can’t handle is that wary look in your eyes.”

“I—”

“Don’t even try to deny it, because I see it every time you look at me.”

How can I deny it? I feel it every time I look at him.

“Okay. While you work on your leg, I’ll work on my look. Deal?”

“Deal.”

He held out his hand to shake, and I had no choice but to do so. His hand felt warm, his grasp firm, and I couldn’t ignore the fact that my entire body broke out in goosebumps when it made contact with mine.

Dan

What a mess. I don’t know what I expected to happen when we came face to face again after ten years, but it wasn’t that. Even though she tried to keep things professional, her body language screamed hate and anger. And the hurt and caution in her eyes tore me apart.

I slowly made my way to Lexi’s playroom, where I’d left her playing Xbox. Hopefully she’d still be there because I don’t know if I could make it any further. Sabrina didn’t do much to my leg and its screaming in pain. What’s it going to be like when we really get started with therapy?

I found my daughter zoned out, playing Xbox. I said her name three times before she looked in my direction.

“Hi Daddy.”

I leaned down and kissed her forehead before settling on the couch next to her.

“What do you want to do tonight?”

My limitations have been as tough on Lexi as they have been on me. We’re usually pretty active and there are only so many movies to watch and videogames to play before we turn into zombies. Board games and puzzles keep us more engaged, but they’re definitely not a substitute for a long hike or good game of catch. Thankfully Jeff and Mrs. Evans have kept Lexi occupied outside the house so she doesn’t totally bounce off the walls.

“Can we watch a movie and make popcorn?”

“Sure. You pick the movie and I’ll go make the popcorn.”

“Don’t forget, a little butter and extra love.”

“Always extra love.” I chuckled and kissed her forehead. “I’ll be right back.”

Mrs. Evans would be happy to make the popcorn so I can rest my leg, but Lexi says mine is better, and I live to make her happy.

I may have fucked up many times in my life, but that little girl is one thing I did very right. She’s amazing and I can’t imagine my life without her. Now if I can get the rest of my life straightened out, things will be perfect.

Lexi conked out way before the credits rolled and I called Jeff to carry her to her room for me. Instead of picking her up and heading out, he sat in the chair across from me and smiled.

“So how’d it go with Sabrina after I left?” The look I gave him turned his smile into a full-blown laugh. “That well, huh?”

I dragged a hand down my face, then rubbed the back of my neck. “She still hates me. I guess I deserve it, but I thought—I’d hoped—she would have gotten over what happened back then.”

“Have you ever met a woman before? In my experience, they don’t get over anything.”

“I guess.”

“Well, I don’t know Sabrina, so take this for what it’s worth.” He stood and walked toward Lexi. “I don’t think she hates you as much as you think.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Just a feeling.” He reached down, picked Lexi up, and settled her against his chest. “Remember, the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference…and Sabrina definitely isn’t indifferent to you. So all you need is a little time to bring her back to Team Dan.”

“Hopefully you’re right.”

“I’m always right, remember?”

That said, he went to tuck Lexi into bed, leaving me to my own thoughts.

Jeff is pretty good at reading people…hopefully he’s right about Sabrina. Thankfully she’s staying here during my rehab. I’ll have a lot of time to convince her I’m not the same jerk I was back in college.