Molly
Molly opened her eyes, blinking away the tears. They rolled onto her cheeks and stopped, frozen by the icy air.
Billy had died that night – the night they’d argued. She never did say sorry or tell him it didn’t matter if he delivered pizzas for the rest of his life, she loved him no matter what. She never got the chance to find out why Billy dropped out of school. Why he changed.
‘Erica,’ Molly whispered.
‘Umm.’ Erica’s voice was heavy with sleep and for a moment Molly wondered if she should give in to the sleep pulling at her eyelids. What good would speaking to Erica do anyway? There was nothing Erica could say that would change what she’d done.
Then a torch flicked on beside Erica. She propped herself up on one elbow and stared at Molly with her wide green eyes. ‘What is it?’
‘Why did you stop seeing Billy? When he came to London, I mean.’
Erica frowned. ‘Does it matter now?’
Clearly not to you it doesn’t. Molly gritted her teeth as the lava bubbled up to the back of her throat. ‘Forget I said anything.’
Why had she bothered trying to speak to Erica of all people? The logical part of Molly’s mind knew that she couldn’t blame Erica for Billy’s murder, but that didn’t stop the anger, the illogical hatred from rising up until she was half drowning in it. Erica might not have been the one to kill Billy, but Erica had promised Joyce she’d look out for Billy in London. A promise she hadn’t kept.
Erica had always called Molly her sister, Billy her brother, Joyce her family, and yet when it came to it, when it really mattered – life or death – all of her talk counted for nothing. If she’d kept her promise then maybe Billy would still be alive, and there was nothing Erica could say that could change that fact.
‘Actually no, I won’t forget it,’ Erica said. ‘You’ve been spoiling for this fight since the second I saw you at the airport, and probably before that, and do you know what? You’re wrong. So you can take all of the hateful glares, all of your childish sulks and shove them up your arse, Molly, because I’m sick to death of you blaming me for something I didn’t do.’
A rocket of fury blasted through Molly’s thoughts. How dare Erica say that to her? A dozen retorts danced on Molly’s tongue but her throat was tightening and she knew if she said anything the tears would start falling.
Instead, Molly pulled her hand free from the cocoon of her sleeping bag and grabbed at the zip. All the exhaustion in the world couldn’t make Molly spend another second in this tent with Erica.
‘Molly, wait,’ Erica said. ‘I’m sorry. I’m tired and I took it out on you.’
‘Sod off.’ Molly swallowed hard. ‘Why the hell did you invite me on this trip?’
‘Because I want my sister back,’ Erica cried out. She reached out and touched Molly’s arm. ‘Do you want to know why I stopped seeing Billy?’
Molly nodded, hating herself for crying and caring, and hating Erica just as much. Molly shrugged her arm away from Erica’s touch but she let go of the zip and moved her hand back inside her sleeping bag.
‘It wasn’t because I was too busy or because I didn’t care,’ Erica said. ‘I know that’s what you think, but that wasn’t it. In his first year in London we met every Sunday. When the weather was nice we’d walk along the south bank and grab a sandwich on a grass verge. Or we’d make a den for ourselves in a café somewhere and read the papers. Well, I read the papers; Billy usually studied.
‘Each week he tried to teach me the names of bones in the body. One week it was the hand –’ Erica smiled and scrunched her eyes for a second ‘– distal phalanges, proximal phalanges, metacarpals. The next week it would be the bones in the leg or the foot. He’d set me homework to memorize them and I’d get points for the ones I remembered. The more I forgot, the more expensive the day. He said he was working his way up to a slap-up meal.
‘I didn’t mind. God, I was more than happy to buy him a decent meal. He lost so much weight in those first few months without Joyce’s cooking keeping him going. I played the game because it made us laugh and because I knew it helped him memorize them too.’
Erica moved inside her sleeping bag, knocking the torch onto its side so that the beam hit the tent fabric and cast an eerie red glow over them. Erica’s words, the memories she had of Billy – memories Molly didn’t have, could never have – fell like bricks onto Molly’s chest until all Molly wanted to do was stuff her earphones in her ears and drown out the world.
But she didn’t. However much it hurt to hear about Billy, Molly had to know what had happened between them, and why Erica had cut him out of her life, why she’d left him to fend for himself in an unknown city.
‘So what changed?’ Molly asked.
Erica paused for a long second before she spoke. ‘Molly, he did. Billy changed. He started turning up late and hungover a lot, then he stopped coming altogether. I tried calling him loads but he just made excuses about being too busy.’
‘He was studying to be a doctor. It can’t have been easy.’
‘I know, which is why I wasn’t too concerned. I knew what university was like. Billy was finding his feet in a whole new world and making new friends, and on top of all that he had to study like crazy. I suppose I thought the glow of it all would wear off eventually and he’d be back to himself again, ready to meet me for lunch and quiz me on internal organs.’
‘But it didn’t?’
‘I don’t know what happened to him, Molly. I’m sorry. I know that’s not what you want to hear, and I’m sorry you blame me, but I tried. I went to his halls of residence and tried to find him. This was on one of the Sundays we were supposed to meet and he didn’t turn up and wasn’t answering his phone.’
‘I didn’t know you did that.’
‘I didn’t want to worry you and Joyce. I spoke to a girl in the room next door. She said Billy had moved in with some friends in a house share off campus, but she didn’t have the address. I got the feeling she was relieved he’d gone. She said he came back late a lot and played music all night.’
‘And that was it? You gave up then?’
‘No actually, I didn’t,’ Erica said. ‘And before you start thinking this was all my fault. What about you? Sheffield isn’t exactly the other side of the world, you know? It’s less than three hours on the train to St Pancras. You could’ve come down and stayed with me and seen Billy. It wasn’t like I didn’t invite you.’
‘Er … hello? I was training.’ Despite the words of protest, Erica’s comment left an acerbic taste in the back of Molly’s mouth. Why hadn’t she taken a day off? Just one. Why had she never visited Billy in London? She’d sacrificed so much of her life to training, and it had all been for nothing.
‘I know you were,’ Erica’s voice softened. ‘We were all busy.’
‘You’re right. I’m sorry,’ Molly whispered over the bulge in her throat. Tears throbbed at the back of her eyes. ‘Please tell me what happened.’
‘I texted him –’ Erica shook her head ‘– I don’t know a month or so after I’d gone to his halls. Channel 6 were having a summer party on one of those Thames cruise liners. I’d remembered Billy telling me once that he’d never been to a party with a free bar, so I invited him. I didn’t think he’d reply, let alone come, but he did. It was so great to see him. You remember what he was like when he was in a good mood. It was like the sun was shining inside him. Everyone at the party just gravitated towards him.’
Molly closed her eyes for a fleeting moment and pictured Billy’s face and the shine of his deep brown eyes. When he smiled, really smiled, he always laughed too, as if the very act of smiling was funny.
Erica grinned as if remembering it too. ‘He spoke to everyone. Flirted with the PAs and flattered the presenters. He got everyone up on the dance floor doing the robot dance, oh God, and Thriller as well. It was such a great night …’ The smile dropped from her face. ‘At first, anyway. Then Billy kept disappearing into the toilets, coming out twenty minutes later looking … basically off his face. The next thing I know the boat is making an unscheduled stop and the CEO himself is chucking Billy off the boat.’
‘What? Why?’
A deep crease formed on Erica’s forehead. She shook her head. ‘It doesn’t matter now.’
‘It does to me.’
‘Are you sure you want to know this? I know how much you’ve always idolized Billy, and I don’t want –’
‘Tell me,’ Molly said. Her heart strained to beat over the pressure squeezing her chest.
‘He’d been snorting coke in the toilets. Schuster, the CEO, caught him at it and told him to stop. Apparently they argued, then Billy threw up on Schuster’s shoes. It was dreadful and blew back on me. Schuster all but threatened to fire me then and there. I was horrified. People I worked with thought I was a drug addict. I had no idea he was even into that stuff.’
Molly thought of the skinny arms protruding from his T-shirt on their last run together. His eyes had been puffy, highlighting the weight loss and the curve of his cheekbones on a face that had always been full and round. Molly had put it down to studying hard and too much alcohol the previous evening, but was it more than that? ‘I didn’t know either.’
‘I didn’t tell you, and maybe that was my mistake. I could see Billy was getting himself into a bad way, but then he took off to Uganda as a medic helper for two months and I figured he’d got whatever it was out of his system and would come back and knuckle down.’
‘Did you see him after that?’
‘Well there was my wedding day, of course.’
Molly pulled a face. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Come off it, Mol, you were there. You saw what he was like.’
Molly remembered the cool spring day at Newland Manor. The arresting beige brick building and lush green of the grounds, and the dozens of people she didn’t know. Women wearing lavish hats and men in coat-tails. She remembered feeling uncomfortable, gaudy even, in a fitted blue dress from Debenhams and matching heels, and wishing she’d worn flats. She had a vague image of Billy in a creased shirt with a gleam of sweat on his forehead. Had he been dancing?
‘The cake, Mol. Surely you remember?’ Erica prompted.
‘What about it?’ Molly shook her head.
‘Billy got drunk, or worse, and tried to dance with my mum. She was having none of it, of course. When she tried to step away Billy lost his footing and they both ended up falling on the cake.’
The memory flashed in Molly’s mind as Erica spoke, and along with it, the wave of annoyance Molly had felt at Billy that day. The amount of times she’d pleaded with him over the course of the afternoon to stop drinking. How had she forgotten? The entire day had been dreadful, and it wasn’t just the cake. Billy had caused a fight with the barman, he’d tried to kiss one of the bridesmaids and been punched in the face by the woman’s boyfriend.
‘I remember,’ Molly said. ‘I guess I can understand why you stopped seeing him after he ruined your wedding cake.’
Erica sighed. ‘I didn’t stop seeing him because of the cake, Molly. Seriously. It’s like you have this mental block in your head and you can’t see Billy as being anything but a perfect medical student, and you can’t see me as anything but a workaholic, who doesn’t care about anyone but herself. I kept up with the Sunday meet-ups after the wedding. Billy showed up sometimes, but it was like he was always on his way somewhere else, you know? We’d arrange to meet and he’d swing by for five minutes before saying he had to go.’
‘He was like that at home too,’ Molly said. ‘It was like he couldn’t sit still for more than a minute at a time. Was the coke thing a one-off do you think?’
‘When I think about it, I guess maybe he took a study break and went to Uganda to sort himself out. Maybe he realized he was getting in over his head with his drinking and …’
‘But he fell right back into it when he got back.’ Molly closed her eyes as the sadness engulfed her. How had she been so blind?
‘I think so,’ Erica said. ‘He kept trying to get out and then would come back and pick up right where he left off. I tried to talk to him about it a couple of times –’
‘Did you? What did he say?’
‘He denied it was a problem. Said I had no idea what kind of pressure they were all under and a bit of recreational drug use was practically the norm.’
‘Did Mum know, do you think?’ Molly asked.
Erica shook her head. ‘I don’t know. Maybe. You should ask her.’
‘No. It would kill her to find out.’
‘She’s stronger than you think,’ Erica said.
‘You didn’t see her at the airport,’ Molly replied.
‘I was heartbroken too, you know,’ Erica croaked in a voice thick with emotion. ‘I didn’t call enough – I know that – but I was grieving too and it was just too hard to be reminded.’
‘It’s OK. I could have called more too. I’ve just been … so angry.’
‘Angry?’ Erica shuffled her hand out from her sleeping bag and dabbed a finger under her eyes. ‘Why – because it was Billy instead of someone else?’
‘Sort of,’ Molly said. How did she begin to voice the hate burning inside her? ‘It’s the whole police thing too. He was targeted because he was black, and no one has done a thing about it. No one cares.’
‘What? Billy wasn’t targeted.’
‘Oh come off it, Erica,’ Molly snapped, the heat rising inside her and carrying into her voice. ‘You know as well as I do that Billy’s death was about race.’
‘You what? It was an accident, Molly.’
‘Yeah right. An accident caused by a white policeman against a black victim that was completely covered up.’
‘Molly, I really don’t understand. Billy died in a car accident. How has that got anything to do with the colour of his skin?’
‘That’s what they told us. But how do we know? The inquest was closed because of some bullshit excuse about national security and some utter crap about protecting an undercover operation, but how do we know?’ Molly’s voice was low and fast. She gasped for breath as her heart pounded inside her chest. They killed him.
‘Have you tried to speak to the police? There must be a way you can talk to someone.’
‘I wanted to, but Mum wouldn’t let me. She said we have to let it go and move on, but she hasn’t and I definitely haven’t either.’
‘Well then, let’s get a meeting when we get back. I’ll come with you as well. I used to be pretty good at getting answers out of interviewees when they came on the news show. Maybe I can help get some for you here.’
‘Really? You’d do that?’
‘Of course I will. You’re my sister. I know we haven’t seen much of each other over the last couple of years but I still love you.’
Molly nodded and swallowed back the jagged rock-like lump in her throat. All of a sudden she pictured the card with the pencil sketch of an oak tree on it and Erica’s scrawled handwriting.
I saw this card and I had to buy it. The tree looks just like the one Billy climbed in the park when he was ten and then got stuck for an hour until Joyce threatened to climb up there herself and get him down. I’ve never seen anyone climb down a tree so fast!!! I hope you’re OK, little sis. I miss Billy so much and I think about you every day. Isla would love to meet you. She’s three months old already. I’m going back to work next week and Henry is going part-time. Please call me and let me know you’re OK!
Stomach acid scorched the back of her throat. Her head spun with a sickening dizziness, like the cage spinner – Billy’s favourite ride when the fair came to town. How had she got it so wrong? Not just Billy, but Erica too.
‘When was the last time you spoke to Mum?’ Molly said, her voice barely a whisper.
‘I don’t know, last week I think. I thought she might be worried about the trip and I called her to make sure she was all right.’
‘Oh. I didn’t know that.’
Erica hadn’t stopped reaching out to Molly and Joyce. It was Molly who’d stopped; she’d just been too blinded by rage to see it.
‘I miss him so much.’ A sob shook Molly’s body, then another one. She dropped her chin to her neck and felt wave after wave, sob after sob, shake her body.
‘Me too.’
Erica pulled her arm around Molly and squeezed her tight. For once Molly didn’t pull away. Instead tears as hot as the lava inside her poured out in long wrenching sobs.