“Okay, girl, so I am trying to understand, but I still don't get it. You are kind of seeing Levi. But as more of a fuck and fly kinda thing. No feelings, right?”

I swirled the ice around in my glass with my straw. The ice was suddenly more interesting than Noa's intense glare. “That’s right.”

“And did you ever agree to be exclusive?”

I dipped my head in shame. “No.”

“I mean he’s some big hot shot football star now, he’s going to have multiple women.”

I stopped stirring and looked directly at her. “I thought I was happy with our situation, Noa. But I'm not. I'm fucking miserable all the damn time. And I know that I made my bed, and I have to lie in it, but I was hoping my best friend would back me up.”

She pulled back, shocked by my reaction. “I always have your back, Lila. But when it comes to those Jackson boys, you lose your head. You guys clearly didn’t set boundaries on this little arrangement you have going.”

We both sat there for a minute in silence. I had called Noa after lying in my bed all day, contemplating my future, or potential not future, with Levi. When the girl answered, I didn’t say anything. I just hung up the phone. And then I called Noa at dinnertime, and told her she needed to meet me at our favorite Chinese restaurant. I was filling my empty heart with carbs, and it felt good. But Noa’s reaction wasn’t what I was expecting. I thought she would totally have my back, and be ready to kill this new tramp just as much as I was, but, instead, she was being all self-righteous. It wasn't something I was used to. I took another bite of my lo mein before she started speaking again.

“What I meant is that if Levi is who you really want, then you've got to fight for him, girl. This other girl would be a dumb ass bitch to give him up that quick.”

I knew she was right, and as much as I didn't want to say that, this girl had some brains. “I know. I can't expect him to just take me back after all these years. And I know the stipulations we set. We never said exclusive. We said no feelings. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to kill him right now, and her, whoever the hell she is. But I thought we at least would be honest with one another. He didn’t tell me about Japan, or this girl. I just don’t know if I can trust anything he says or does anymore.” I paused, annoyed with my own stupidity. “You are right; I never got over him. He's what I wanted this whole time. He was safe and stable, exactly what I needed when my parents split up, but I felt the need to be rebellious and volatile. I was an idiot.”

She shrugged. “We all were, Lila. It was freshman year. Remember I had just shocked the hell out of everybody and signed up for the military? I had just come out of the closet, your parents got a divorce, and Eli was there. I don't blame you. I mean, we all made mistakes back then.”

I was confused. She had been on a perfect path since high school. Sure, she hadn’t told her parents about liking girls as early as we all thought she would, but it didn't make her a bad person. “What are you talking about?”

She set down her fork, and looked directly into my eyes. “I almost got a dishonorable discharge.”

I was shocked. “What? I mean I knew you were a badass, but nothing like that. You’ve done super well in the military.” She had gone in for medicine, and was now a RN. I had always been impressed by her dedication.

“I was on a base during boot camp, and I met a girl. And let's just say that my peers didn't really take to the fact that I was a lesbian. Neither did my commanding officer. But her name was Jessica, she was gorgeous, and I couldn't keep my hands off of her. It did not help at all that she was the CO’s daughter.” She looked down at her hands.

My mouth dropped open. “You're kidding me.”

She smiled. “You always said that I had good taste. And she was tasty. But it was just a tryst; there were never really any feelings there. She hadn’t even come out. So, when I promised that I wouldn’t put myself or my team in that situation again, and I ran a lot of miles, they let me off the hook. I got transferred, some extra punishments, and never heard from her again. I know we’re allowed to come out in the Army now, but it's still not really accepted. Especially for women. I mean, I hang out with a couple gay guys on my base now, but that's really it. Before Clara came along, I was really on my own.”

“You really care about her, don't you?”

She smiled again, this time much more genuine. “I brought her home to meet my parents, didn’t I?”

“Oh my God! Are you going to propose?”

She laughed. “Not yet! But I don’t know. Maybe when I get out next year. I could definitely see us going down that road.”

“But what if she proposes first?”

She made a face. “She would never consider that. She is a princess, and would love for me to get down on one knee and make a grand gesture.”

I took a sip from my drink before lifting it up to her. “Well, then, cheers to you. For getting over past mistakes.”

She raised her glass. “And for not making new ones.” She winked at me.

I took a long sip from my glass. “So, how do I go about doing that?”

She shook her head. “Girl, if I knew, I'd help you solve all your problems.” She drank from her own glass and finished it.

When she set her glass down, there was recognition on her face. “Oh, I forgot to give you something.” She dug down through her purse before sitting back up. She held a small piece of paper in her hands; it looked business card sized. “I got the number for where Eli is. They said friends can call him now. I thought you would want to know.” She reached across the table, and handed me the card: Green Valley Rehabilitation Facility. It was only a couple hours from here. I touched the raised lettering slightly.

“Thanks.” I tried to not show the emotion in my voice, but Noa knew me better than anyone.

“You should call him, Lila. He knows Levi better than anyone else, and he might be able to help.”

I shook my head. “I don't think that would be a good idea.” I thought back to my conversation with Eli on the roof. I was a big part of why Eli was in there. Noa looked at me empathetically. “But thanks. I’ll think about it.”