June, 2016

As I picked up the dark blue jeans lying on the white carpet, I was accosted by a crop top hitting me right in the face.

“Hey, can you watch where you’re throwing your crap?”

Mackenzie was kneeling on the floor in front of an open suitcase and tearing through it like a wild animal eating its prey. I had no idea what she was looking for, but she seemed determined to find it. She turned her head for only a moment, her beautiful long blonde straight hair flowing behind her like silk as she twisted her head back and forth and frantically searched the suitcase.

“I can’t find it anywhere!” She threw her hands up to the sky in frustration.

I began walking towards her collecting items as I passed them. Another shirt on her bed, a skirt lying on the floor, a sweater stuck on a lampshade… God my sister was a mess.

“And what is it that you’re looking for?”

She sat back on her heels and looked up at me, her beautiful dark brown eyes reflecting her exasperation. “I need that freaking dress for the rehearsal dinner. Mom made me promise I would wear it because Charity sent it. But I have no freaking idea where it is!”

I sat down next to her crosslegged and started to fold the clothes I had been collecting from around the room. “Well, did you wear it anywhere? Though I don’t know how you find anything in this hellhole.”

“Are you kidding me? Of course I didn’t wear it anywhere. It’s that also that ugly lilac color. I mean how old is she really think I am? In all our phone conversations she just talks down to me like I’m a baby. I’m eighteen! A legal adult and everything.”

And everything… right. Like own a house, or even pay her own cell phone bill… as close as my sister and I were, she had become a little bit of a spoiled brat since the divorce. I guess my parents felt bad for the way things went down and coddled her more. But for me, I had been an adult, and I could take care of myself. I continued to fold her clothes and place them neatly back in her suitcase, where I assumed they had run away from. “What did mom say when she gave you the dress?”

Kenz stopped her temper tantrum for a second and looked at me as if she was finally realizing I was there. “I don’t know.” She shrugged. “I mean, I guess she seemed kind of sad. But she’s seemed like that ever since we moved here, so nothing new.”

It was true that my mom had been depressed since we had moved from Fayette. She liked it here in Florida as far away from my father as possible; however, she had grown up and built her life there. I had to admit that sometimes I missed it too. It had been years since I’d seen my friends. Elle, Noa, and I had been like the Three Musketeers for as long as I could remember, but then… sometimes you just grow apart. Noa and I were still as close as we could be. I was looking forward to spending some time with her this summer.

Kenz had only been fourteen when we left nearly five years ago and had fit in nicely here in Florida. She was made for the beach with her sun-kissed skin and her shimmering blonde hair. She had every guy within a five-mile radius in the palm of her hand. When we visited Fayette, she would just be that awkward kid whose parents split up in a messy divorce. It had been at least a year since she had seen Dad; he had come to college to visit with me a few times, but she didn’t make much of an effort to be near him. I think it just hurt her too much, knowing that he had built an entirely new family without us. Charity couldn’t wait to have their first child together. We heard about it all the time. And in a way I guess Mackenzie felt like we were being replaced, but I got it. It wasn’t that he was trading his girls for a new shiny blonde model. They loved each other wanted to start a family. It made sense, but it didn’t mean it was any easier for us.

As I clasped the suitcase shut, Kenz crossed the room and started searching through her closet for the famed rehearsal dress. She emerged a moment later victorious, with the pretty lilac dress still wrapped in plastic it came in. “I knew I had it somewhere!”

“You can ask them to put in the front of the plane. They will hang it for you and everything.”

“Well aren’t you worldly?” She laughed at her own sarcasm.

She held up the dress against her body in front of her full-length mirror, assessing its beauty. “Yeah, it’s not really that bad,” she said as she cocked her head to the side. “I mean it could totally be worse. What are you wearing to the rehearsal dinner?” She turned to face me still holding the dress against her body.

“I packed a couple different dresses; you know, whatever fits.” I certainly wasn’t as petite as my sister was. Somehow she hadn’t inherited all of my mom’s curvy genes. I stood up slowly from my spot on the rug and walked over to my little sister, placing my hands on her shoulders. “Promise me you’ll be cool for this trip okay?”

She pulled away from me. “As long as she promises to stop acting like we’re her kids.”

I nodded slightly, I understood the feeling of instant family that Charity wanted to create with us and I wasn’t all about either. Especially because I wasn’t a kid anymore— neither of us were. Charity was only maybe fifteen years older than me, so it didn’t seem appropriate for her to think of me as her child.

“No, I got it. But that doesn’t mean you can pull all teenager tantrum on her either. Got me?”

She rolled her eyes. “Yes, Mom.”

I chuckled at her before leaving the room and shutting the door behind me. She always treated me like I was her mom and her best friend. I guess after the divorce my mom became kind of a mess, and I really did take care of Kenz. Being four years older did that to you. No one saw it coming; the divorce was everywhere all at one time. All of our tiny town newsletters brought it up because we were members of local clubs. Sometimes you just want to hide under a pillow and wish that the local gossipers would get the hell off your lawn, but they don’t. They think everyone has a right to know every deepest darkest secret about your life and why the breakup occurred. I was just lucky that they looked at me as an angsty college student and left me alone. Because if they had found out why we really left Fayette, the neighbors would’ve had a field day, and my life would’ve been ruined.

I walked down the carpeted steps to the kitchen of our small town house and saw my mom sitting at the counter playing on her iPad.

“Hey Mom, whatcha doin?” I always felt the need to seem extra bubbly around her. Maybe Kenz was right, and her depression had taken a toll on us in a way that our personalities had become molded to each other’s.

She turned around, a large smile playing on her soft features. The past few years had aged her dramatically. When we lived in New England she’d always seemed so young and vibrant, but now I could see the wrinkles outlining her dark brown eyes that had seemed to fade from all the tears. “Hi hon, are you all packed?”

I nodded. “Yeah, I think so. Besides school I’ve never packed so much. But we’re going to be gone so long. I’m glad that Dad paid for our boxes to ship separately, that really helped.”

“Well, you can never have too many shoes,” she said as she picked up her coffee mug and walked around the island. She moved slowly over to the sink and placed it in daintily for the maid to clean up later. There were some things from our previous life that my mother just couldn’t give up, and honestly Kelly, our maid, was more like family than just an employee. I knew Mom was overjoyed when she agreed to move here with us.

I sat down on one of the barstools next to the breakfast table and watched her carefully thinking to herself about how she might manage without us for the next month. “So what are you going to do while we’re gone? Anything fun?”

She bit her lower lip before answering, “I might take up some tennis lessons at the club. But besides that, no. I have work to do.”

Mom took a job at a nearby nursing home when we first moved, as the lead Activities Coordinator. But since then the nursing home had become a huge company and she now managed all the activities for five different locations. She had always done a lot of philanthropy and events management when we lived up in New England so I knew it was something she really enjoyed; however, it took up a lot of her weekend time and as a result she hadn’t made many friends besides her coworkers. I worried now that my dad was getting remarried that she might feel left out because she hadn’t been dating yet. She mourned the loss of my father and their relationship like he was dead rather than living with some skinny pain in my ass in our old house. I didn’t really understand why she felt like that, like she had to put him up on this pedestal, but that was her choice, not mine. I got Dad for who he really was, a nice guy with poor follow through. I didn’t judge him for his choices anymore but I knew that Kenz and Mom did.

“Mom?” She nodded but continued to scroll on whatever she was looking at. “Mom, can I ask you something?”

She set down the iPad and looked at me for a moment, removing her glasses because she could see me better without them on. “What is it honey? You never get serious like this.”

I looked down at my hands, taking sudden interest in the hot pink nail polish that was peeling off of my left hand. “It's just that I've been thinking, you know I'm going have to go wherever there is a job for me right?” I looked up at her for a brief moment to match her eyes with mine to see if she knew where I was going with this. “Dad has a lot of connections up in the Boston area. If there's a job there for me...”

“Then you would take it. I know how these things work. I also know that a lot of your friends still live up there and you miss them. I'm not the only one who misses Fayette. I also know how this economy is, and I have a job here, so your sister and I will be staying here. But wherever you go is up to you sweetheart. I'm not going to stop you from living your dreams. That's not what parents do.”

As much as she was saying exactly what I wanted to hear, it still hurt. I couldn't imagine myself leaving her and Kenz behind, but at the same time my degree in business management would only get me so far in an area where I didn't know many people. My dad had the networking abilities of a champion, and I knew that in this economy I needed to use those connections. It helped that his law office managed many of the cases for local big business. He may even have a few connections in New York City.

“I still have a year to work on it.” I had taken time off after the divorce and was finishing my degree a year late, but I was determined to find a job as soon as I graduated.

She smiled sweetly, “Yes but you're about to go for an entire summer up with your dad and it would certainly help if you were kind to him and talked to him about some potential job opportunities. I get it honey, really I do. Besides, Kenz will be leaving for school in the Fall, so she’s got big things going on too. Then it will just be me.” She placed her frail hand on my own and sighed. “But I’m okay with that. I have Kelly, too.” I noticed how the colors of our skin looked so different. I had spent my weekends during the spring at the beach while she locked herself in an office trying to build up a name for herself in the company. She was just a different person than she had been when she was with my dad,—maybe a better person, who knows? She could certainly stand on her own two feet now, even if it was difficult. While I gazed at her sweet smile and her faded brown eyes, she squeezed my hand and infused some of her confidence in me. She may not have been particularly happy with her own life but she would do anything to make sure the two of us had everything we ever needed. That's just what moms do.

I heard my sister yell something from the stairs with her suitcase thumping behind her and my mom gave my hand another quick squeeze before going out to the living room to assist her. Our living room was at the front of the house so the door to the outside world waited for me only one room way. I took a deep breath before grabbing an apple and a bottled water from the refrigerator and stuffing them in my purse. I never went anywhere without a snack. My mom and Kelly helped us load our things into our car and then my mom got into the driver’s seat. Typically Kenz or I would have fought her for the position, but I think we both understood that it was something that she had to do as our mom. We waved goodbye to Kelly as we drove away and headed to the airport, not sure of what to expect from our month long trip to our old home.