CHAPTER 19

 

Cate blinked open her eyes; the early morning sunlight was shining too brightly through the large windows. She could smell rich, black coffee and it was the worst kind of torture; her taste buds were begging for a cup. She shifted awkwardly on to her side, feeling her heavy bump sag against the mattress and pulled the quilt up over her head. Her back was aching again. Pregnancy sucked big-time.

As she wriggled, trying in vain to get comfortable, her foot kicked out and found something hard and unyielding. “Ow,” Cate yelped, throwing back the quilt.

She rubbed her sleep-encrusted eyes and looked around, realising that she wasn’t in bed. She must have fallen asleep on the sofa last night while she and Kian were watching a movie and he’d just left her there.

She gulped, trying to swallow the huge lump which had formed at the back of her throat. Even if he wasn’t going to be home, Kian had always insisted that Cate sleep in their bed. Had she pushed him so far that she’d finally lost him for good?

She hauled herself up from the sofa and folded up their wedding quilt.

When she looked out of the front window, Kian’s car wasn’t in the driveway; he must have left for training already. She couldn’t blame him for not wanting to be around her right now.

She’d been punishing Kian for not being there for her at the doctor’s office but she knew that she wasn’t being completely fair. The scary thing was that at the time, her anger towards Kian had felt completely justified. It had been black and white; she’d needed him and he hadn’t been there. But with Dr Chen’s help, she was starting to realise that she couldn’t trust her emotions.

She felt like one of those Whack-a-Mole games at the arcade. Happy? Thwack! Sad? Thwack! Angry? Thwack!

Kian hadn’t even known about the appointment until afterwards when he’d read Sinead’s e-mail. He’d already left for L.A. when Dr Swift’s office had called that morning with a last-minute cancellation. Cate had decided not to text him; she’d thought that it was just going to be a routine appointment and she could tell him about it when he got home. It was laughable now but she’d been so proud of herself for finding a good OB-GYN. It had felt like progress; like she’d finally accepted that her life was here in Seattle.

Deep down, she knew that Kian was right. She could have called him at any time during those sixty plus minutes when she’d thought that their unborn baby had died and she had no doubt that he would have caught the first flight back to Seattle. He’d been frantic when he’d finally got the message that Mateo was missing, almost halfway to the airport. He was a devoted father; it was one of the things she loved most about him.

Cate went to the downstairs bathroom to relieve her bladder. She felt sore between her legs and winced, thinking about how roughly Kian had taken her the previous evening. She looked down at her bare hips and ran her hands over the fingertip-shaped bruises, which were just starting to darken against her pale skin.

Cate took small comfort in the knowledge that Kian might not like her very much right now but at least he still desired her. Cradling her heavy bump, she slowly walked upstairs to their bedroom to get dressed. As she removed her t-shirt, she noticed the yellow duck whistle that Nate had eventually managed to wrangle away from Mateo, which now sat on top of the dresser.

Kian had always been very possessive about Cate. She thought back to the arguments they’d had when they’d first got married, about Nick, her former boss at the Book Tavern. That was what their lovemaking the previous evening had been about; it was because she’d spent the afternoon with Nate. Cate felt foolish for thinking anything else. Kian was just marking out his territory.

When she came back downstairs, Nate was back from dropping Lola off at school. “What do you fancy doing today?”

“I don’t mind,” Cate shrugged, pouring herself a fresh cup of herbal tea. She quietly resented it for not being the black coffee she craved. She knew she wasn’t very good company at the moment. For what felt like the thousandth time, she wished she could just click her fingers and snap out of it.

Unfortunately, Dr Chen had confirmed that she was suffering from depression.

“It’s a nice day,” Nate suggested, “why don’t we go across to Volunteer Park?”

They took the ferry across to Seattle which delighted Mateo. While he and Nate chatted about the boats, Cate stood by the railings and let the wind whip her hair up off her shoulders. The winds weren’t as strong as they’d been when they went across to the Gum Wall.

As they neared Seattle, she looked across at the main cruise terminal. She wondered how easy it would be to just sneak on board one of those huge ships and sail far away from Seattle and all of her problems. She quickly shook her head; she couldn’t leave Kian and the children. It wouldn’t matter anyway because her depression wasn’t attached to Seattle, it was attached to her – it didn’t matter where she went, it would always be there.

“Next stop,” Nate nudged Cate. Cate looked out of the bus window. “Is that it?”

Nate shook his head, “no, that’s Cal Anderson Park. I thought we’d make a pit stop first.”

She followed Nate and Mateo off the bus. “Where are we going?”

They walked along the shaded sidewalk to a small shop with a white-painted bench outside. A young woman was eating strawberry ice cream from a small white tub while a silver-haired man with a professional-looking camera took photos of the cute Chihuahua waiting patiently by her Louboutin heels.

“This place has the best ice cream in all of Seattle,” Nate grinned.

Mateo had a scoop of Melted Chocolate, Cate had Salted Caramel and Nate had Honey Lavender. They sat at the table by the window eating their ice creams and watching the passers-by. “Mm, so good,” Cate licked her lips. “Did you like it, Mats?” Mateo nodded, chocolate ice cream smeared all around his mouth. She couldn’t help but smile, “did you actually get any in your mouth, buddy?” She reached for a napkin and wiped his face.

“Do you want a taste?” Nate held out a dollop of ice cream on his spoon.

Cate looked sceptical, “lavender ice cream, really?”

“It’s good, trust me.”

Cate took the spoon from Nate. “So, what did you think?” he asked afterwards as he put the empty tubs in the bin and bounced Mateo on his hip.

“It’s… different.”

As they walked back to the bus stop, Cate said, “you know what it reminds me of? When I was little, Sinead dropped some pot-pourri in a soda can and dared me to drink it.”

“Ew,” Nate wrinkled his nose. “Did you do it?”

Cate laughed, “I had the most fragrant breath for weeks afterwards.”

There was a little wait for a bus and Cate anxiously checked her watch, “are we going to be back in time to pick up Lo?”

“We’ll be fine,” Nate patted her hand. “Relax.”

They got off the bus in a quiet, upscale neighbourhood and walked through Volunteer Park. Cate saw a red-brick building in front of them and as she got closer, she realised it was a water tower. “Oh,” Cate stopped and looked at the building; it reminded her so much of the tower at Mill Lake, where she and Kian had gone on their first dates.

She saw a shadow leaning on one of the white pillars at the front of the tower. It was Kian. He was wearing a pair of faded blue jeans, a black shirt and leather jacket.

“How?” Cate turned around but Nate and Mateo had disappeared.

Kian reached for her hand, “we need to talk, angel.” Cate felt her knees go weak. She thought about Kian leaving her to sleep on the sofa all night. Surely he wouldn’t be cruel enough to bring her here to ask for a divorce?

She followed him inside the tower; it was a lot bigger than the one at Mill Lake.

When they got to the top, it was empty. Cate walked slowly around the circumference, trying to avoid whatever it was that Kian wanted to talk to her about. She was certain that it could only be bad news.

She felt Kian’s hand on her wrist, his thumb gently pressing on her pulse. He led her back to one of the wooden benches and they sat down.

“What…” Cate swallowed the lump at the back of her throat. “What did you want to talk to me about?”

“Open your eyes, Cate,” Kian gently stroked her cheek. “Please.”

“I’m scared,” Cate admitted.

“Of what?”

Cate shook her head and stood up. She walked across to one of the large windows and wound her fingers through the wire fence. “You want a divorce, don’t you?”

“What?” Kian was behind her in an instant, moulding her soft curves into his hard, muscular body.

Cate felt big, fat tears plop down her cheeks. “I’m sorry.”

Kian tried to pull her fingers away from the fence but she held on tightly. “For fuck’s sake,” he growled; his breath harsh against the back of her neck. “Will you look at me?”

Kian turned her around and gripped her wrists, lifting them up and pinning them to the rough brick above her head. Cate stared down at the floor; she couldn’t look at him.

“Look at me,” Kian demanded. When she didn’t respond, he gently tipped her chin up with his finger.

“I will never…” his dark eyes glittered dangerously, “ever divorce you, Cate.”

“You left me to sleep on the sofa all night,” Cate protested, struggling to free her wrists from his grasp. “You’ve never done that before.”

“Angel,” Kian said gently, “you were exhausted. I was too rough with you yesterday.”

Cate bit her lip, “you should have woken me. I don’t like waking up alone.”

Kian couldn’t resist, he leaned forward and gently sucked her swollen bottom lip into his mouth, soothing her with his tongue. She tasted sweet and tangy. It reminded him of the kisses they’d shared at Mill Lake. He’d never been with anyone so inexperienced before but if anything, because of what they couldn’t do, it made every kiss, every furtive touch all that more erotic.

He pressed his forehead against Cate’s so all he could see were her big, black eyes entrancing him. “I want you to talk to me, Cate.”

Cate closed her eyes. She couldn’t tell Kian how she was feeling; she couldn’t drag him down into the murky depths of her despair. It wasn’t fair on him.

Kian brushed his lips over hers. He could feel her beginning to soften against him. He loosened his grip on her slender wrists and brought them down around his neck.

He kissed along her jawline, feeling her breath quicken, until he reached that spot just below her ear. He could feel her heart beating as fast as hummingbird wings. Kian stroked his hands down her sides; she trembled as his knuckles trailed over the soft flesh of her breasts. She arched towards him, her bump pushing against his stomach.

“I love you, Cate,” Kian spoke against her soft skin. “Nothing is ever going to change that.”

“I love you too,” Cate choked.

“That’s all that matters,” Kian guided her back to the bench.

“Is it because I missed the doctor’s appointment?” he asked. “Is that why you’re so sad?”

“I don’t know,” Cate admitted and then shook her head, “no.” Even though she’d talked to Nate and she’d had a couple of sessions with Dr Chen, it was still difficult trying to put into words how she was feeling. “I know how much you love it here. I want that. I want you to be happy. Lola, Mateo and the new baby…” Kian intertwined his fingers with hers as she reached down to touch her precious bump. “They will have a better life here in Seattle, away from all the scrutiny back home. They can have normal childhoods like you and I did. I love that Lola can just go next door and play football with Luke.”

“So what’s wrong?” Kian asked, brushing away a stray tear which had trickled down her cheek.

Cate twisted her eternity ring around her finger. “I just… I feel like I’m failing at everything.” If anything, the weight crushing her chest felt heavier following her confession. It should have been a blessed relief; she was finally being honest with Kian, but hearing the words out loud only made Cate feel even more like a failure. “Every day I wake up and think today I’m going to be better.”

She hung her head, “I’m so sorry I embarrassed you at Trent and Lena’s party.”

Kian gently tilted her head back so he could look into her beautiful, black eyes. “Cate, you didn’t embarrass me. You never could.” He’d never seen his wife look so desolate.

Before either of them could say anything else, they were interrupted by a group of Japanese tourists.

“Take photo?” one of them smiled widely, thrusting her phone at Kian.

Kian did as they asked but as soon as the tourists turned to look out of the window, he reached for Cate’s hand and tugged her out of the shadows and down the stairs.

As they walked down the side of Cal Anderson Park, it started to rain heavily. They sheltered under the awning of an art supplies shop with a kit of cooing pigeons huddled by their feet. There was a statue of Jimi Hendrix in front of them; someone had left a lit cigarette in Jimi’s hand and they watched it disintegrate onto the slick pavement.

“I don’t think it’s going to let up anytime soon,” Kian frowned, looking up at the still-black clouds above their heads. Cate wrapped her arms around herself. Her denim jacket was soaked through and sticking to her skin. She hadn’t bought a warm coat yet, hoping she could get away without one until after the baby was born. As she wiggled her toes, she could feel the water sloshing inside her ballet pumps.

“Come here,” Kian pulled her into the warmth of his leather jacket. While they waited, Cate rested her head on his chest, breathing in the familiar scent of worn leather, soap and Kian. “Do you want to go home, angel?”

Cate looked up at him, “when it stops raining, yeah.”

Kian smiled, “I was talking about Manchester.”

Cate felt herself getting all emotional. “You love it here.”

Kian shook his head, “I love you, Cate. You know that.”

“I love you too.” Even though the rain was pelting down, Cate felt a lovely warmth radiate out from her chest. She’d worked so hard to hide how she was feeling from Kian that she’d forgotten that he was her best friend. “I’ve, um…I’ve been seeing a therapist. She thinks that I’ve got prenatal depression.”

Kian speared his fingers through her inky-black hair, tilting her head back. He had thousands of questions. “Why didn’t you tell me, angel?”

Cate wanted desperately to look away so that she didn’t have to see the hurt in Kian’s black eyes. “I didn’t know that’s what it was,” Cate stumbled over her words. “It was only when I talked to Nate. His mum suffered really badly.”

Kian tensed, “you couldn’t talk to me, your husband, but you could talk to Nate?”

“He caught me at a really low point,” Cate felt so ashamed of the dark thoughts she’d had that night. She still wasn’t ready to confess to Kian that she’d thought about killing herself and their unborn child.

“You’re freezing,” Kian frowned.

There was a café just a little further up the street. It was lovely and warm inside. While Kian queued up at the counter, Cate sat in one of the leather booths; they were generously sized so she didn’t have to worry about her bump. The other customers were students from the local college tapping away on their laptops or flicking through thick textbooks.

Kian came back with two steaming-hot mugs. Cate’s was hot chocolate with a swirl of whipped cream. “Mm,” she wrapped her cold, damp hands around the mug, feeling the heat licking up her fingers. She slipped off her damp jacket and laid it down on the bench to dry. She was wearing a black dress with purple lightning bolts printed on it and black leggings. As she took a sip of the rich, velvety hot chocolate, she closed her eyes, feeling the warmth radiate through her body.

Kian shifted opposite her. “What’s wrong?” Cate asked, opening her eyes.

He dropped his voice to a low whisper. “Just don’t make that noise again.”

When Cate realised that he was uncomfortably aroused, she couldn’t stop laughing.

“It’s not funny,” Kian pretended to frown. Although he’d quite happily walk around with a permanent hard-on if it meant he could hear Cate laugh like that again.

He couldn’t believe that his wife had been diagnosed with depression and she hadn’t confided in him. “Talk to me, angel.”

Cate shifted uncomfortably. She was hyper aware of the other customers in the café.

“What’s wrong?” Kian enveloped her delicate hand inside the warm, strength of his own.

“Can we talk about it at home?” Cate bit her lip. “I don’t want to do anything else to embarrass you.”

“Embarrass me?” Kian asked incredulously.

Cate reluctantly told him what his U.S. agent had said when she’d first arrived in Seattle. As a professional athlete, Kian was like a major corporation and as his wife; Cate was like one of his employees. Any ill-advised or reckless behaviour from her could jeopardise Kian’s position in the team and his earning potential in terms of endorsements.

“I’m going to fucking kill him,” Kian lowered his voice to almost a whisper. “Is that why you didn’t want to tell me, angel? Do you really think I give a shit about any of that?”

Cate hung her head, yet again feeling like she’d made the wrong decision. Kian stroked his finger along her jawline, gently tilting her head back. “All I care about is you and the children, angel. That’s all.”

“I’m sorry,” Cate said. Her voice was still raspy with tears.

“Unlike my douchebag of an agent, you have nothing to be sorry about,” Kian locked his gaze with hers. “If you’ll feel more comfortable talking about this at home, angel, then that’s what we’ll do but we are going to talk about it.” He reached down and rubbed the pad of his thumb over the silver locket she always wore. “You’re my first half.”

As she drained the last dregs of her hot chocolate, Kian leaned across the table. “Come here,” he said, stroking his thumb over her bottom lip.

She’d had a dollop of whipped cream on the corner of her mouth. Quickly checking to make sure that nobody was watching them, Cate sucked the pad of his thumb into her mouth, lapping at the blob of whipped cream.

“Ugh,” Kian grunted, draping his jacket across his lap to hide his arousal.

“I’ve missed this,” Cate grinned. “Us.”

Kian intertwined his fingers with Cate’s, “me too.”

“I’ve been so lonely,” Cate spoke so softly, Kian could barely hear her. This was the first time they’d been together, just the two of them, without arguing or making love since L.A.

When they came out of the café, the rain had stopped. “We should go,” Cate checked her watch.

“One more stop,” Kian reached for her hand. They walked down a side street and stopped in front of a large, red-brick building. “I thought you might want to go here first.”

Cate looked up at the blue and red sign hanging above the front door. It was Seattle’s most famous bookstore. “Can we go inside?” she asked excitedly.

“Of course,” Kian held the door open for her. “Wow,” Cate marvelled as she walked inside. “This is…”

“Why don’t you have a look around?” Kian kissed her cheek, “I’ll be over there if you need me.”

He sat on one of the comfy, leather sofas in the middle of the ground floor and checked his e-mails on his phone while Cate wandered up and down the aisles. They could never have done anything like this back home. She wondered how many times Kian would have been pestered for autographs and selfies if he’d been at the bookstore in Manchester city centre?

She ran her fingers over the rows of brightly coloured books, delighting when she saw some of her favourites. It was like bumping into old friends. She found herself gravitating towards Fiction and the B shelves. Her eyes scanned the rows anxiously; it couldn’t be a proper bookshop if it didn’t have…There it was. Cate picked up the copy of Jane Eyre and touched the cover, it was more gritty than the glossy covers they sold at home. The edges of the pages were bumpy which gave it character.

Seeing that book was like seeing the first glimmer of sunshine after an almighty rainstorm. It had been her constant companion ever since she’d first devoured it as a teenager. It had accompanied her on her first secret dates with Kian; it was packed in her hospital bag when she was pregnant with Lola and it had been pulled from the shelf and thrown against the wall of her closet when she’d found out that Kian had cheated on her with Sinead’s friend.

“I can do this,” Cate murmured, putting the book back on the shelf for somebody else to discover.

Bolstered from having finally told Kian the truth, Cate knew that she wouldn’t always feel like this. She thought about the panic attacks she’d had when she was pregnant with both Lola and Mateo. When she’d first started having them, they were so frightening; it was like being in the eye of a vicious storm, she couldn’t imagine that she could ever feel calm again but she did. She’d become a veteran of her panic attacks now; she’d had so many that she knew what her triggers were and had a whole army of tricks to cope with them thanks to India.

When she walked across to Kian, he was still on his phone. She placed her hands gently on his shoulders, “let’s go home.”