CHAPTER 26

 

Cate stood backstage, nervously clutching the speech she was due to give in a couple of minutes. She checked herself one final time in the mirror. She was wearing a purple silk dress which had delicate black and purple flowers trailing down one shoulder. The ruched bodice showed off the fullness of her breasts from feeding Sierra and layers of gently flowing silk hid the slight, lingering curve of her stomach.

During her research, she’d read that prenatal depression could sometimes continue into postnatal depression and so in addition to seeing a therapist once a week, as soon as Dr Swift had given her the all-clear, Cate had joined Heidi from the Taco Shack on her early morning runs along the promenade. It wasn’t always easy, especially if Sierra had been fussy during the night but she found that the exercise really helped.

She heard the last strum of the guitar on stage and felt a fresh wave of nausea. It was almost time for her to walk on stage. Her hands were shaking so badly, she was grateful that Liv had offered to do her hair and make-up tonight otherwise she’d have ended up with some serious panda eyes.

Jax strutted off stage, his guitar slung across his back. He was dressed all in black: black boots, skinny jeans, vest and unbuttoned shirt. His tribal tattoos snaked up around the side of his neck. “Come here,” he said breaking into a wide grin when he saw Cate stood in the shadows. He pulled her into a bear hug, “you’re going to do great, sis.”

“Thanks again for playing tonight,” Cate smiled. “It really means a lot.” As soon as he’d heard about the benefit for 33 Rocks, the charity Cate and Abby had started after Sierra was born to raise awareness of prenatal depression; he’d immediately offered to perform an acoustic set.

X13 had split up after their last tour and he’d spent the last few weeks working on solo material with a producer in Seattle. Even though it had just been him up there on stage with his guitar, without all the razzmatazz that came with X13, Jax had been a huge hit. Cate could still hear the rapturous applause ringing around the ballroom.

Cate watched as Abby picked up the microphone. “Where’s Liv?” Jax scanned the small backstage area.

“She’s tired,” Cate reassured him, “it happens when you’re pregnant. She said she’d wait for you in your dressing room.”

Jax grinned, “I’d better go and see how her and baby Twerpie are doing?”

Cate laughed, “you’re not really going to call the baby Antwerp, are you?”

“It’s kind of growing on me,” Jax shrugged. “We’ll see you guys at the airport tomorrow.”

Cate heard Abby say her name and squeezing Jax’s hand one last time, she walked out of the darkness of backstage into the bright lights of the ballroom.

Tonight was the first time that Cate was going to speak publicly about her own depression.

She thanked Abby, took the microphone and walked to the centre of the stage. The ballroom was packed. Even without the proceeds from the auction they’d held earlier, they’d easily reached their fundraising target.

She took a deep breath, locking her knees so they didn’t wobble. She’d never liked being the centre of attention. As she looked out at all the faces in front of her, friends and strangers, she began to doubt whether she could really go through with this. As Kian’s wife, so many intimate details of her life had already been made public.

Cate saw Nate sitting at one of the tables at the side, looking so handsome in his tuxedo. She thought about him as a tiny baby covered in tubes and wires; how his fight for life had inspired Abby to fight for hers.

In addition to the rich and famous who’d clamoured for tickets for tonight’s benefit lured by the promise of among others, Kian and his Seattle F.C. team-mates, Jax and Kevin Spyder, Cate and Abby had reserved a table especially for the brave women they’d met through the charity, who’d talked honestly about their own battles with prenatal depression. They were the lucky ones, like Cate and Abby, they had somehow fought their way through to the other side.

Cate knew that there were many others who hadn’t been as lucky. She recognised one of the few men at the table. Greg’s wife, Aisling had killed herself two years ago when she was seven months pregnant with what would have been their first child. After years of trying without success, they’d finally got pregnant through IVF. It should have been the most heart-warming story – they hadn’t thought that they’d be able to afford IVF even with both of them working several jobs but their local community had rallied together to help them raise the money.

It was an incredibly kind gesture but with all of their friends and family so heavily invested in her pregnancy, it must have felt almost impossible for Aisling to live up to their expectations. She must have thought that if she’d confided in any of them about how desperately she was feeling, it would have sounded like she wasn’t grateful for everything they’d done for her and Greg.

Greg didn’t find out until after Aisling had died that she’d been diagnosed with depression - he’d found an unopened packet of anti-depressants hidden under their mattress.

“Thirty-three is the number of rocks I thought I would have to fill my pockets with so I could sink to the bottom of Puget Sound and never resurface.”

At the end of her speech, Cate received a standing ovation from the crowd and hurried off stage. She ran to the ladies’ toilets down the corridor and vomited.

It was one of the toughest things she’d ever done. Up on that stage, in front of the lights and the sea of faces, she’d felt naked and exposed.

When she came out of the ladies’ toilets, Kian was waiting for her. He gathered her up in his arms. “I’m so proud of you, angel.”

Cate was so grateful for his support. It couldn’t have been easy for him to sit there in that crowded ballroom, surrounded by his friends and team-mates and listen to his wife describe how in her darkest moments, she’d thought about killing herself and their unborn child. But his support for what she and Abby were trying to do was unwavering.

After they’d said their goodbyes, Kian guided Cate into a sleek black town car. He wouldn’t tell her where they were going but when the car stopped, she could see the strong white foundations of the Space Needle gleaming in the night sky. “What are we doing here?”

Kian opened the door and offered Cate his hand. He led her inside the centre of the Needle and the lift doors opened immediately. “Wait,” Cate thought about the last time she’d been there with Jean and the children, “don’t we need to buy tickets?”

Kian gently stroked her cheek, “we’ve got a dinner reservation.”

As the lift ascended, Cate looked through the glass at the bright lights of Seattle. Every day, it was starting to feel more like home. Her depression had been so scary that she’d clung fiercely to the familiar, to Manchester. Seattle was a big part of this new chapter in her life; it was where she’d met Abby and they’d started 33 Rocks at her kitchen counter; giving them both a sense of being something other than just wives and mothers. Cate felt the fullness in her breasts and smiled; it was where she’d given birth to their youngest daughter, Sierra.

“You were so brave up there tonight,” Kian mused, reaching for her hand. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” As she turned, Kian captured her lips in a sweet kiss.

When they arrived at the restaurant, there were no other diners. Cate looked at Kian. “I wanted us to have complete privacy.”

They were shown to their table and Cate was mesmerised by the rotating panorama. “It’s so beautiful. Thank you.”

After the waiter had taken their orders, Kian reached across the table for Cate’s hands. “I’ve made an appointment to have a vasectomy.”

Cate struggled to free her hands from Kian’s grasp. “You didn’t think about discussing this with me first?”

“We’re discussing it now,” Kian replied. “If you don’t want me to, I can cancel the appointment.”

“Why would you even want to do that?” Cate asked quietly.

Kian rubbed his thumb over the eternity ring which sparkled on her finger, “you have given me three beautiful children, Cate.” His eyes lit up as he thought about Lola, Mateo and Sierra. “I’ve watched you struggle through each pregnancy… I sat by your hospital bed after you’d almost died giving birth to Lola and I prayed with everything I had that you’d wake up.”

“But I did,” Cate chewed her bottom lip.

“I can’t…” Kian’s voice threatened to crack and he fought hard to regain his composure. “I can’t do it again, angel. Lola, Mats, Sierra, they are enough for me.”

Cate felt as though her heart was just too big for her chest, “we can try other forms of birth control. I don’t like to think of you being cut open.”

“What if they didn’t work?” Kian frowned. “I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember. It’s worth it to me. I can’t risk losing you again.”

After the main course, they shared a white chocolate macadamia nut bread pudding. “I can’t remember the last time we did this?” Cate looked at the twinkling lights of downtown Seattle.

On the drive home, Cate reached over and put her hand on Kian’s thigh. “Thank you.”

Kian chuckled, “what for?”

Cate shook her head; she couldn’t articulate just how much she loved him.

Lola and Mateo were already asleep when they got home, Cate checked on them both before she went to the nursery. Nate was stood by the window rocking a fussy Sierra. “Somebody wants Mummy and Daddy.”

Kian took his daughter from Nate while Cate went to get changed. When she returned, she was wearing one of Kian’s white shirts and a pair of black yoga pants. She’d removed her jewellery and make-up and her inky-black hair fell loosely down her back.

“What are you fussing for, little one?” Cate cooed softly, sitting down in the rocking chair. She stroked her daughter’s soft inky-black hair and breathed in her new-baby scent. It was addictive. Sierra opened and closed her tiny fists around Cate’s hair. If Kian went through with this operation, Sierra would be their last child. Cate felt a little wistful about it but she knew in her heart that he was right; she couldn’t go through that smothering darkness again. Like Abby, she wanted to be there for each of her children’s milestones.

Sierra nuzzled at her breast, her tiny pink lips already puckering. Kian knelt down in front of them and carefully unbuttoned Cate’s shirt. Her breasts were swollen with milk. Goose bumps broke out across her skin as he deftly unsnapped her front-fastening bra. He peeled back one of the cups and Cate guided her daughter to her breast, the tug as she began to feed felt as though it went straight to her heart.

When she was fed, Kian slung a towel over his shoulder and took Sierra from Cate so that he could burp her. She was already getting drowsy; he could feel her little body slowly becoming heavier in his arms. He laid her down in the crib and stood back, letting Cate gently tuck her in. She reminded him so much of Cate. He didn’t know if babies could dream but Sierra moved her lips as if she was giving them a little insight into what she was seeing behind those pale eyelids framed with long, black eyelashes.

Cate had buttoned up her shirt but removed her bra after feeding Sierra. Kian could just see the tantalising outline of her peaked nipples through the white cotton.

They left the room and walked down the corridor to their own bedroom. “Come here,” Kian said softly, tugging her backwards toward the bed. He sat down on the mattress and lifted Cate up so she was straddling him, positioning her so that she could feel his burgeoning erection against her inner thigh. She laughed and Kian’s hands tightened on her hips. There were days when he didn’t think he’d ever hear her laugh again. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Cate fumbled to unbutton his shirt so she could run her hands over his muscled chest. They tumbled backwards on the bed, Cate’s inky-black hair covering them like a silk curtain. She kissed the stubble on his jaw. He lay back on the mattress, giving her free rein. She kissed the flat disc of his nipples before moving down. Her breasts, which were barely restrained by her shirt, dragged against his skin. As she reached for his trousers, her hands were trembling so much that she could hardly undo the zipper. Kian placed his hands over hers and helped her remove the rest of his clothes. His cock jutted proudly against his stomach.

Kian flipped Cate over so she was lying on her back and slowly undid her shirt, exposing the luscious breasts which had just fed his child. Sliding his hands under the warmth of her back he lifted her up and feasted on her breasts, lapping and suckling her nipples until she cried out. A trickle of milk spilled from her nipple and Cate blushed furiously, certain that she’d killed the moment but Kian grinned wickedly and dipped his head again, tasting the earthy milk which flowed from her pink bud.

He kissed down her stomach, thinking how blessed he was that she was his wife and that she’d given him three beautiful children. Kian eased her trousers over her hips and he could almost taste her feminine musk. He removed her trousers and her panties and then reached across and opened the top drawer of the bedside table. “What are you doing?” Cate asked, her hips shifting restlessly.

Kian opened the box and removed a shiny foil packet. Kneeling back on his heels, he tore open the packet and with Cate watching, he rolled the condom down his cock. “I’m protecting you,” Kian grunted, settling back between his wife’s legs. “I’m going to use these until I’ve had the vasectomy.”

He slid a hand underneath her bottom and lifted her up, sheathing himself in her silken warmth. “Mm,” Cate brought her thighs up around his waist, cradling him. This was the first time they’d made love since Sierra was born. Kian moved slowly, wanting to draw this out as long as possible. He kissed her swollen lips, swallowing her breathy moans as he drove them higher. Blinded by the intensity, Cate tried to close her eyes but Kian stopped, demanding that she look at him. With their foreheads almost touching, all he could see were her entrancing black eyes. He reached for her hands and entwined their fingers, pressing them down into the mattress. She was close; Kian could feel the little tremors running through her long limbs. He pressed his lips against hers, tasting the sweetness as she dragged him over the edge.

“It feels strange,” Cate panted softly. She lay, sweaty and exhausted, sprawled across Kian. He’d got up briefly to dispose of the condom before joining her again in bed. Cate had got pregnant the first time they’d had sex, the night of his dad’s funeral and so they’d only used condoms once before, when they were on holiday in Italy after Kian had cheated on her with his sister’s friend. It felt strange not to feel his molten release coating her insides.