CHAPTER 20

 

After they’d put the children to bed, Kian suggested that they have a bath together. It was something they hadn’t done since they’d moved to Seattle. Still reeling from the revelation that Cate had been diagnosed with prenatal depression, he wanted her to feel as comfortable as possible so that they could talk.

Cate looked up at him teary-eyed as he led her into the privacy of the master bathroom and slowly began to undress her. She could see how much effort he’d made to make her feel comfortable. He’d used her favourite jasmine-scented oil, which always reminded her of home and the bathtub was surrounded by gently flickering candles.

Kian settled her between his parted thighs, with her back pressed against his chest. As the curve of her bottom brushed against his groin, his cock stirred a little but tonight wasn’t about sex. He wrapped an arm protectively around her shoulders, needing her to know that regardless of what she told him tonight, he wasn’t going anywhere.

Cate closed her eyes and let her head fall back on Kian’s shoulder. “I think it started when I first found out that I was pregnant. You’d been gone for a couple of weeks by then and I…I just missed you so much.”

Kian brushed his lips against the side of her neck. As much as he wanted to apologise for not being there, he remained silent. His mum was right; if Cate had a choice between his happiness and her own, she would choose his every single time. If he said anything right now, she would downplay how badly she’d felt so that she could make him feel better about leaving for Seattle. He didn’t want that; he wanted her to be honest with him.

“I couldn’t get excited,” Cate stroked her hand over her bump, “all I could think about was that it was the worst possible timing.”

Kian forced himself to listen silently as Cate described how she’d struggled during the five months they’d been apart. Unlike with Lola and Mateo, she’d suffered really badly with morning sickness for the first three months of this pregnancy.

Kian felt as if he’d been punched in the gut as he realised just what she must have gone through on her own.

He knew she’d been really hurt but he hadn’t realised until now just how deeply traumatised she must have been by the fact that members of her family and people she’d thought of as friends had conspired with Kian for months to hide the fact that he’d cheated on her at the World Cup. She’d been so focussed on protecting him and the children that again she’d subjugated her own needs. After she’d made the really tough decision that she couldn’t tell him about the baby until she got to Seattle, she hadn’t had anybody to support her, apart from Sinead.

There had been nobody to hold her hair back or press a cold flannel to the back of her neck after she’d been sick, nobody to buy her ginger biscuits or make midnight runs to the supermarket to satisfy her cravings for hummus. She’d had to drag herself up from the bathroom floor every morning and plaster a fake smile on her face because there was nobody else to make their children breakfast.

“I thought I’d feel better when we got to Seattle but if anything, I felt worse.” She put her hand over Kian’s. “You’re my best friend but sometimes you felt like a stranger to me. You’d grown your hair longer and you looked so different; you’d built this whole new life here in Seattle. I couldn’t tell you how I was feeling because I didn’t want you to feel guilty for bringing us out here – it was the right thing for both you and the children – and I didn’t want to do anything to jeopardise your career.”

“I know I’m not as glamorous as the other WAGS but I really wanted you to be proud of me. But whenever I tried to do anything like volunteer at the homeless shelter or register with an OB-GYN, something always went wrong and I ended up feeling even more like a failure.”

“After what happened at Trent and Lena’s engagement party… I just kept thinking that you’d all be better off without me.” She felt Kian tense against her back but he didn’t try and interrupt her. She was so grateful. Although it was unbelievably painful, she needed him to know the complete and ugly truth. “I’d done exactly what I’d tried so hard not to do and I’d embarrassed you in front of all your team-mates. As we walked back to the Space Needle that night, I could feel how angry you were with me. I was failing as a wife and…” Cate blinked back fresh tears as she thought about Lola and Mateo. “I was failing as a mum. You were right; I shouldn’t have taken Mateo with me to the shelter. Anything could have happened to him and it would have been completely my fault.”

“The night you played L.A. Galaxy at home…” Cate gulped. “It was Nate’s night off and he’d gone out for drinks with Layla so after I’d put the children to bed, I was on my own. I went outside and sat on the wooden dock at the back of the house and I…” She was terrified that if she finished the sentence, Kian would never be able to forgive her.

Kian had already guessed what she was going to tell him. While Cate had wandered the aisles of the bookstore that afternoon, he’d read as much as he could about prenatal depression on his phone. He turned her around to face him. Even though the bath was still lovely and warm, she was shivering. She had her eyes squeezed tightly shut but he could see the tears trickling down her flushed cheeks.

“Angel,” he said gently. “Look at me.”

“I can’t,” Cate hiccupped. “I’m so ashamed. If I tell you what I was thinking that night, you’ll hate me.”

“Not possible,” Kian murmured, bringing her closer. “You thought about hurting yourself, didn’t you, angel?”

Cate blinked open her eyes, “how did you…? Did you talk to Nate?”

Kian shook his head. “It was just a guess. Tell me what happened.”

Cate was so crying so hard that she could barely get the words out. Kian cradled her against him, rubbing his hand up and down her back. “It’s OK, angel.”

After she’d finished, Kian crooked a finger under her chin, gently tilting her head back. He needed her to look at him, needed her to see that there was no judgement or condemnation in his eyes.

“How can you stand to even look at me?” Cate whimpered, “I thought about killing our baby, Kian.”

“But you didn’t.”

“But what…” Cate gulped, “what if Nate hadn’t been outside having that argument with Eric?”

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly grateful that he was there, angel. You shouldn’t have had to deal with all this by yourself but…” Kian brushed his lips against her damp forehead. “Nate didn’t stop you from hurting yourself that night. You did. You were the one who sat back down on the dock. You’re stronger than you think, angel.”

Cate cried for a little longer, safely ensconced in his arms. “I’ve missed you.”