CHAPTER 17

 

“Whoa, that’s really freaky,” India giggled when she answered the phone, “I was literally just thinking about you.”

“Yeah?” Cate sat cross-legged on the wooden dock, looking out at Puget Sound.

She’d hardly slept at all the previous night, thinking about how close she’d come to hurting herself and her unborn child.

She was by herself again. Kian had left early for the team debrief where the coaches went over the mistakes they’d made in the previous night’s match. After she’d explained that she was going to call her old therapist, Nate had taken Mateo with him to drop Lola off at school.

“Mm, the new series of Grey’s Anatomy starts this week on Sky. So how’s Seattle? Have you seen any dreamy doctors yet?”

Cate picked at a loose thread on the hem of her maternity jeans. “Um… that’s kind of why I’m calling today. I was wondering if…” She closed her eyes. “I was wondering if you knew anybody here in Seattle that treats…” Cate cursed. Why was it so difficult to get the words out? “I’m probably just being silly; I mean it’s natural to feel up and down when you’re pregnant but… I don’t know, a friend of mine thinks that I might be depressed.”

“I don’t think you’re being silly,” India said gently. “I was worried that this might happen. I’ll make some calls and get back to you, OK?”

After she’d finished talking to India, Cate put her phone down beside her on the dock. She didn’t know how she was feeling. At first, she’d felt this amazing sense of relief. She’d felt validated that a respected mental health professional like India didn’t think that she was just being silly. It wasn’t normal to feel like this when you were pregnant. But those feelings had quickly been replaced by fear and hopelessness. If she was actually clinically depressed, Cate remembered enough from her Psychology degree to know that it wasn’t something that you could just click your fingers and immediately fix.

“How did it go?” Nate asked when he came back from dropping Lola off at school.

Cate was sat at the kitchen counter, mindlessly spinning her phone around.

“Dr Eva Chen,” she answered without looking up. “She’s got a practice near the market.”

“OK,” Nate opened the fridge and retrieved two bottles of water. He popped the cap off one of them and handed it to Cate. “Have you tried calling her yet?”

Cate nodded, “she’s got a cancellation at 10.30 tomorrow.”

“That’s a huge step,” Nate gave her a hug. “I’m so proud of you, sweetheart.”

“Boat!” Mateo yelped, trying desperately to escape the confines of his highchair. The banana he’d been happily munching on a few moments before now lay discarded on the small, plastic tray. When Cate looked up to see what he was getting so excited about, she saw one of his favourite green and white ferry boats sailing across the Sound.

Cate lifted him up out of his highchair and carried him outside to the back porch.

Unlike the previous night, when it had lured her in with the promise of black nothingness, the Sound was awash with life and vibrant colour that morning. Seagulls dipped and danced above the rippling, navy-blue waters; the green and white paint on the ferry boat looked rich and glossy in the morning sunshine.

Mateo giggled as the captain of the ferry boat gave five short blasts of the horn to warn a group of kayakers who’d drifted too close.

Cate looked up at Nate, who was leaning on the doorframe. “It’s scary,” she admitted, thinking about her appointment with Dr Chen the following day, “but I’ve got to do it.”

She owed it to her children to make sure that she never felt as bleak as that ever again.

“I’ve got an idea,” Nate’s pale-blue eyes sparkled with excitement. He scooped Mateo up from Cate’s lap and settled him on his hip. “Do you want to see something really cool, buddy?” Mateo nodded vigorously.

Nate reached for Cate’s wrists and tugged her up to standing. “I can’t,” Cate protested. She needed to think about what she was going to say to Dr Chen tomorrow.

Nate shook his head, “if I let you stay here, you’re just going to tie yourself up in knots thinking about your appointment.”

They boarded the ferry for downtown Seattle and Nate led them upstairs to the outside deck. “I don’t know if I can do this,” Cate paused on the threshold. It reminded her too much of the aftermath of Trent and Lena’s engagement party.

She was awash with the same feelings which had lured her to the very edge of the dock the previous night. She shivered, the skin underneath her clothes felt blistered from the burning humiliation that she’d caused such a scene in front of Kian’s team-mates.

“I’m sorry,” she quickly turned around. Hot, angry tears pricked at the corners of her eyes. She desperately didn’t want to feel like this anymore. Her chest felt as if it was being slowly crushed by feelings of such utter worthlessness. After everything Nate had done for her…

She looked at her son, who was holding Nate’s hand. Mateo looked up, quietly studying her with those big, black eyes. She didn’t want him to see her like this, didn’t want to pollute his innocence with this toxic blackness. Just what kind of a mother was she? She couldn’t even give her son a fun ride on one of his favourite ferry boats.

“Five minutes, OK?” Nate bargained, wrapping his fingers around her wrist.

Cate acquiesced, letting him lead her outside on to the deck. He guided her across to the white railings. “Close your eyes,” Nate instructed, “and just breathe.”

Cate gripped on to the railing, focusing on the chill of the metal against her bare hands.

As the ferry steadily traversed the waters of the Sound, Cate obediently closed her eyes. The winds were so strong; they stripped the tears from her chapped cheeks and dried out her lips as her lungs, now freed from the constraints of her panic attack, worked overtime to suck in as much oxygen as they could. The air was so fresh; it felt as though it was purifying her from the inside out.

As the winds buffeted her slender frame, she couldn’t feel the burning humiliation coating her anymore, just the layers of fleece and denim clinging fiercely to her skin.

It was so loud that she couldn’t think. Seagulls cawed above her while the choppy waves crashed loudly against the side of the boat and the wind… the biting-cold wind slammed into her ears, making them sting.

She kept a firm grip of the railing, needing all of her concentration just to stay upright. She didn’t feel worthless up here; every second she remained standing felt like a victory.

Nate placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, “you can open your eyes now.”

“Has it been five minutes already?” Cate asked, rubbing her sore ears.

Nate laughed, “we’re docking, sweetheart.”

When Cate blinked open her eyes; she couldn’t believe that they were already at downtown Seattle and the first cars were driving down the ramp below them. “That was…” Cate couldn’t put into words what a precious gift that had been. For the duration of the ferry boat ride, she’d had a glimpse of what it would be like to feel normal again. She wanted it so very badly. “Thank you.”

As they disembarked, Cate linked her arm through Nate’s, “that was definitely cool.”

“Oh, that wasn’t what I was talking about,” Nate smirked, “that was just an added bonus.”

Before they reached Pike Place Market, Nate led them underneath a red, neon sign which said “Post Alley.”

At first when they stopped in front of a corridor of brightly-decorated walls, Cate wasn’t quite sure what she was looking at. It was obviously a tourist attraction because there were lots of groups of people milling about, taking selfies in front of the walls. She took a step closer and studied the trails of rainbow-coloured goo which dripped down from one of the stone window ledges. “Oh my goodness,” Cate giggled. “Is that…?”

“Yeah,” Nate’s pale-blue eyes sparkled with amusement. “It’s the Gum Wall.”

Cate wasn’t sure which she was most shocked about; that she was stood in front of a corridor of walls which were covered from top to bottom with used chewing gum or that she’d actually just giggled. It had bubbled up her throat so unexpectedly.

Nate handed her a pack of chewing gum, “do you want to have a go?”

Cate watched as a couple of people nearby attached their used gum to the wall. “Yes,” she took a strip of cinnamon-flavoured gum from the packet and popped it on her tongue.

“I love how they’ve taken something which could have been really ugly and made it into something beautiful instead,” Nate remarked, chewing his own strip of gum.

Cate looked around. Illuminated by the late September sun, the fat blobs and stringy trails of gum looked so bright and vibrant. Without the delightful eccentricity of the Gum Wall, this alleyway would have just been anonymous.

“Where do you want to put yours?” Nate asked after they’d chewed every last trace of flavour from their gum. “I think I’m going to put mine here.”

“I don’t know,” Cate lifted Mateo up on to her hip, “where do you think, buddy?”

“There,” Mateo pointed at a particular spot, at the side of one of the window ledges.

“OK,” Cate removed the pale-pink blob of gum from her mouth and handed it to Mateo. She leaned forward so that he could press it firmly against the wall.

“Smile,” Nate whipped out his phone and snapped a couple of photos of Cate and Mateo.

“Thank you so much for today,” Cate said as they walked through the market towards the waterfront. “I don’t know what I did to deserve such a good friend.”

“You’re welcome, sweetheart,” Nate gave her a hug. “It’s good to see you smile again.”

“Cate?” she winced as she recognised Nevaeh’s voice. “Where have you been? We’ve missed you at the last few games.”

“I’ve, um…” Cate shifted uncomfortably. What was she supposed to say? I’ve been so desperately unhappy that I thought about drowning myself in Puget Sound?

Sensing her discomfort, Nate quickly looked down at his watch. “Sweetheart, we’re going to be late.”

“Yes,” Cate almost sagged with relief, “of course. I’m so sorry. It was lovely seeing you again, Nevaeh but I’ve really got to go.”

When they got to the ferry terminal, the next boat wasn’t due for another thirty minutes. “It’s a good job Nevaeh would rather swim naked across Puget Sound than suffer the indignities of public transport or we’d be so busted,” Cate gasped. She sagged into one of the plastic bucket seats, still a little out of breath from almost running along Alaskan Way.