“I’m fucked.”

Rachel turned toward me, scanning me from head to toe. “You do look well and truly fucked.”

I flopped back on a velvet armchair. “I know. I’m that too. But I mean I’m in a situation I probably shouldn’t be in and have no idea how to get out, nor do I really want to.”

Rachel sat in the chair next to me and smoothed her hands over her round belly. “I’ve heard our guy might have landed himself a little pixie.”

“No one’s landed me. We’re having sex. Or…we’ve had sex. I’m not sure if it’s going to happen again.”

I was probably in denial. Avi and I spent the entire night in his bed and now I could barely sit in this cushy chair. He’d torn me apart, then put me back together, and I’d loved every second of it.

Eliza came and perched on the arm of my chair. “Who’s having sex?”

Rachel pointed her thumb at me. “Laurel is. And from the way she’s sitting, it’s amazing.”

Eliza’s face brightened. “Oh, yay! Are you in love?”

She and I weren’t as close as I was with Frannie and Rachel, but I loved her sweet, optimistic nature. And she was more of a romantic than the three of us combined.

I shook my head. “Definitely not.” Although, I was heavily in like...and fully immersed in lust. “You know we’re talking about Avi, right?”

Eliza did a double take. “Salon 410 Avi? What?”

Rachel patted her leg. “My dear Eliza, you’re so out of the loop. You’ve got to come out of Charlieland every once in a while. Avi and Laurel are roommates and apparently fuck buddies.”

She ran her hand over her short hair. “How in the world did I miss this?”

I held my hand palm up. “I think you and Charlie were in Japan when he moved into my house.” I told her how I’d been steamrolled by him, somewhat willingly, and everything that had happened since.

Eliza pushed her chin up with her index finger. “I don’t think my jaw has ever literally dropped before!”

I laughed. “I haven’t seen you in a while, girl. My life has flipped upside down and back again. Now I’m not sure which way is up with Avi.”

Frannie appeared from behind a rack of vintage dresses. “Excuse me. I’m pulling the bride card that Rachel’s ass used way too often.”

Rachel grinned. “Guilty.”

Frannie stomped her high heel on the wooden floor. “I need attention! You’re supposed to be helping me pick a dress!”

“I think I’m stuck in this chair. But if you parade in front of me, I’ll be happy to tell you how beautiful you look,” Rachel said.

Frannie cocked her hip. “Oh, now you’re pulling the pregnant card?”

Rachel tried to look innocent by batting her eyelashes and smiling sweetly. “Hey, I’m just playing the cards I was dealt.”

Frannie narrowed her eyes. “Fine. But when I’m pregnant in the far-off distant future, I expect to be fanned by palm leaves and hand-fed grapes.”

Eliza and I dutifully followed Frannie to the rack of formal wear and wedding dresses. Eliza had found this shop online, and so far, it had proven to be a treasure trove. We immediately found Frannie’s birdcage veil and a gorgeous broach she planned to wear on the faux fur wrap we’d also scored.

“I found two possibilities, but I’m not sure.” Frannie held up a plain ivory gown with ruched cap sleeves and a diaphanous hem. Then she held up a cherry red satin gown with spaghetti straps and a floaty train. The ivory gown was more detailed, and obviously more traditional, but my eye was drawn to the red number.

“Try them on!” Eliza said excitedly.

Frannie seemed unsure, which was so not her. I circled my arm around her waist. “What’s up, lady?”

Her shoulders drooped. “I don’t know. Usually I’m good with the status of my relationship with my mom, but this is one of those times I wish I could have her here. Like, aren’t I supposed to go wedding dress shopping with my mom, and when she sees me step out of the dressing room in the dress, she’ll start sobbing and saying, ‘My baby is all grown up’? I hate that I want that.”

Eliza leaned into Frannie’s other side, and we surrounded her with our love. Eliza hadn’t spoken to her parents in over a year, since they essentially disowned her for breaking up with her douchebag boyfriend. There had been a little more to it than that, of course, but that was the long and short of it.

“You can’t help how you feel. I promise to cry when I see you in your dress, though,” said Eliza.

“I’m not a crier, and I can almost guarantee you there will be tears,” I said.

“You want tears? Come see the hormonal pregnant lady!” called Rachel from her seat.

Frannie took a deep breath and stepped out of our embrace. “I’ve got this. James is what’s important. Our life together is the shit. Our wedding is one day. I want to be pretty for him, but I don’t give one single, solitary fuck about any of the other stuff. I think all the dresses and veils and maybe Rachel’s hormones got into my head for a second there.”

She disappeared into the dressing room, and Eliza and I exchanged a smile.

“How was Japan?” I asked.

She sighed dreamily. “I don’t even know how to describe it. After our trip last summer, I got hooked. I just love it there. Charlie’s family there is absolutely amazing. They’re welcoming and laidback, just like him. And Tokyo is like New York times a thousand. But insanely clean, and everyone is so polite despite the fact that we were crammed in like sardines. And Charlie hooked me up with a really talented hairstylist who let me trail her for a few hours. I learned so much.”

“That sounds awesome. So, are we gonna be picking out wedding dresses for you soon too?”

She smiled. “I don’t know. Maybe? For once, I’m not really too concerned with that stuff. I know Charlie and I are permanent, so there’s no rush.”

I was jealous. Filled with deep down, green-eyed envy. Not that I wasn’t happy for my friends. But I wanted that faraway look in my eyes as I thought about the man I’d love for the rest of my life. It was the worst feeling in the world not to be able to revel in their happiness without having a pang in my gut. I sure as hell needed to get over myself.

Just as I was about to fold in half from gazing so closely at my own navel, Frannie appeared in the red dress. She took my breath away with her long, lithe body and delicate beauty. But more than that, the joy that radiated from her was palpable.

She smoothed her hands over her hips. “What do you think?”

“That’s it,” whispered Eliza.

She looked down at the gown. “Really? It’s not too much?”

Rachel made her way over to us, tears in her eyes. “Too much? Who are you? Everything about you is too much, which is why we love you. Now, the real question is, will James survive seeing you in that dress?”

Frannie’s eyes brightened. “Do you think he’ll want to marry me when he sees me in this?”

My words were lost as Rachel and Eliza reassured Frannie of James’ devotion. I tried to swallow, but the knot in my throat prevented it. And then, it was as if my tear ducts took over my body. I started full-on sobbing, right in the middle of the vintage clothing store.

All three of my friends stared at me with wide, panicked eyes. I waved them off, though. I certainly didn’t want to take away from Frannie’s shining moment with my hysteria.

“You’re…” sob, “you’re just so beautiful. And I’m so happy for you,” I managed to choke out.

Rachel wrapped me in her arms and kissed the top of my head. There was something comforting about being snug against her big belly. Then she whispered, “You’ll get there, L.” I didn’t know exactly where there was, and maybe Rachel didn’t either. But her simple words soothed me and banished my ridiculous tears.

Frannie giggled. “So, I guess I don’t need to try on the ivory dress?”

In a chorus, we all said no. The red was definitely the winner.

Once she’d paid for her dress and accessories, we walked to a coffee shop nearby. With our drinks, we settled at a table next to a window and fawned some more over Frannie’s dress, then discussed some of the plans for Rachel’s baby shower, before circling back to Frannie’s dress.

She laughed. “I’m just glad someone sobbed over me in my dress, even if it wasn’t my mother.”

“I’m surprised it was Laurel. I wouldn’t have pegged you as a crier,” said Eliza.

I warmed my hands on my coffee mug. “I’m not normally, but I guess I’ve had a lot on my mind lately and seeing Frannie in her gorgeous dress burst the dam.”

And for the first time ever, I wanted to spill everything. So I did. I told them about my affair with Tom, the way I’d left my last job, how I felt like I’d wasted so much time there, and the jealous pang in my gut. Nobody yelled and called me names. In fact, all their faces appeared quietly accepting. They nodded along as I told them more details than I’d even planned.

“Was it at least hot?” asked Rachel.

I shook my head. “Believe me, it wasn’t. I mean, maybe the first couple times. After that, it was more...utilitarian.”

Eliza squeezed my hand. “I’m sorry you felt like you had to go through all that alone. I want you to know I’d never judge you. If you need to unload, please call me. I’ve made my own shitty decisions, and you guys have never shown me anything but love.”

I wiped away an errant tear. “I didn’t want to tell you guys. I know everyone thinks I’m a hot mess already, I didn’t want to further confirm that.”

Frannie hit the table. “We do not think that! And honestly, I’m pissed!”

Rachel rubbed her shoulder. “Frannie…”

“No! I lived with her for two years. I told her everything.” She paused, making sure I was really listening. “Laurel, I have only ever admired you. You are the smartest woman I know, successful as hell, and you cook like a master chef to boot. Yes, you’re fuckin’ hilarious sometimes, but that makes you human, which makes me love you even more. I can’t believe you didn’t think you could confide in me.”

I exhaled slowly, regretting every time I was evasive and secretive. I wondered where I would be now if I’d told Frannie about Tom after the first time we had sex. But then I remembered the ripple effects that brought me to where I currently was, and I couldn’t really look back anymore.

Getting up from my seat, I circled around the table and threw my arms around Frannie’s neck. “I love you,” I said against her hair.

She hugged me back, then pulled me onto her lap. “Love you too, L. You’re my Rose.”

Some might take being called Rose from The Golden Girls as an insult, but Frannie and I knew she was the best because she had the kindest, most loving heart. And maybe she said silly things, but she was everyone’s favorite.

I snorted. “And you’re my Dorothy.”

“I call dibs on Sophia!” Rachel said.

“So that means I’m Blanche?” Eliza asked.

Scooting off Frannie’s lap, I laughed. “Hey, Blanche has a pretty awesome collection of nightgowns. And she has a ton of good sex.”

“Well, I don’t have the nightgowns, but I do have the sex.”

Because we’d hung out with each other for far too long, Rachel, Frannie, and I all held our hands up for high fives.

Eliza leaned closer to me. “So, is the mess with Tom the reason you’re so reluctant about Avi?”

“That’s part of it. Another part is he was cheated on by the woman he calls the love of his life. How could he want to be with another cheater?”

Frannie frowned. “Has he called her the love of his life lately?”

I played with my spoon, dragging it back and forth on the table. “We haven’t talked a lot about her.”

“If what you told us today is holding you back from getting closer with him, then I think you should just tell him. Rip that Band-Aid off,” said Rachel.

“I don’t know what’s holding me back. I don’t even know if I am holding back. This is so new, and living together kind of complicates it all.” I pulled my phone out of my purse and slid it on the table. “And then there’s this.”

Frannie picked it up, reading the email I received from Tom that morning. She passed it to Rachel before meeting my eyes. “What the fuck, L? Has he been contacting you like this the entire time?”

Rachel passed my phone to Eliza. “Off and on. I ignore his texts, but sometimes I slip up and read an email. This is the first time he’s sent this kind of fuckery, though.”

Eliza handed me my phone, and I glanced down at the email even though I already knew what it said.

“You’re not contacting this fool, are you?” asked Rachel.

I snorted. “Fool is a damn good word. And no, I haven’t said a word to him. We haven’t even been together in a year! I don’t know what he thinks he’s doing now. We were friends, but that’s been over for a while now too.”

I didn’t like to think about the last time I saw Tom, which was also my last day working at my old firm. I’d been in my office, buried under a pile of papers and working myself to the bone, when a red-faced woman had charged in. After a shocked second, I recognized her as Tom’s wife, Monica. At first, I couldn’t figure out what she was talking about, and then she started throwing papers at me, which I realized were printouts of old dirty emails between Tom and me. I sat there, letting her rant, listening to her tell me I was a prostitute and a homewrecker, and that she’d forwarded the emails to the entire firm, without uttering a word. And the whole time, Tom stood behind her, letting her humiliate me in front of everyone. I guess he thought I deserved it. I definitely believed I did. But once she’d run out of steam and left, I gathered as much of my shit as possible and ran out of the building. I never went back after that, never said goodbye to my clients or coworkers, I even left my plant behind.

So for Tom to say he loved me was laughable. Obviously, he was going through shit with his wife, probably far beyond the aftermath of our affair. Perhaps he wanted out and I looked like a lifeline. Maybe he just wanted to get laid. Whatever his reasons were, I didn’t care. I was done with that circus.

Rachel folded her arms over her belly. “I still think you should tell Avi. And then you’ll know whether he can accept your past. If not, then you can go back to being strictly roommates.”

I sighed. “I’ll think about it. Promise.”

We stayed and chatted for a while, but my mind kept drifting to Avi’s face when he’d described being cheated on. I never wanted him to look at me like that. How could I tell him?

And truthfully, we weren’t a couple. I didn’t owe him my history. In fact, he’d asked me not to tell him. So maybe it was okay. Maybe I didn’t have to come clean. We could do this, start with a blank slate and see where it went. It could turn into something, or it could just be the best sex of my life.

I knew what I wanted to happen. I wanted him. All of him. I just didn’t know if I deserved to have him.