“Why Alex? Please tell me why you decided to lose your virginity in the club?”

I’m so embarrassed, pissed, and ashamed all at once, I can’t even begin to tell him why. “I can’t explain it over the phone. Come to my house and we can talk. That is, if you want to.”

The phone goes silent but then his heavy sigh echoes through the phone. “I’ll be right there.”

I hang up without saying good-bye. My eyes feel like sandpaper from crying so much. With the way Kai reacted to everything, it left me so confused I don’t know what to think. He’s angry, I get it, but so am I. Leaving me the way he did hurt more than knowing the truth.

Heart racing, I pace the living room floor. It was Kai this whole time. The man I messed around with in the play room and even lost my virginity to is the man I’m in love with. What are the odds of those two men being one in the same?

Nerves shot, I hurry into the kitchen and bypass the wine straight to the liquor. I’m not a hardcore drinker, but I need it tonight. The first vodka shot goes down with a slight burn, but the second is just like water as it slides smooth down my throat. I toss back a third and can already feel the muscles in my body ease. The sound of Kai’s car rumbles in the driveway, so I grab the bottle of vodka and sit on the couch, propping my feet up on the coffee table. The front door opens and I can’t even bring myself to look at him.

After shutting the door lightly, he walks into the living room. The tension in the air skyrockets. “Are you drunk?”

As much as I want to take another swig of vodka, I set the bottle down on the table. “Not yet, but I’m feeling pretty good at the moment.”

Instead of sitting beside me, he chooses the recliner across from me. “You never answered my question.”

“You mean the one about me losing my virginity in the club?” It’s in this moment I finally look in his eyes. I want to break down and collapse into his arms, and pretend none of this ever happened, but I can’t.

“Why?” he asks, voice shaking.

I throw my hands up in the air. “Hell, I don’t know. A part of me was intrigued with the whole idea when Dani told me about the club. You know who my father is. The guys in school stayed away from me, and by the time college came around, I was too focused on my classes to even get intimate with a guy. The club gave me a way to express myself and try things I’ve never done before.”

His brows furrow. “You never went down on a guy before until me?”

I shake my head. “And I’ve never let a guy go down on me before either.”

“How did you even know what to do if you hadn’t done it before?”

Huffing, I roll my eyes. “There is such a thing as porno movies, Kai. I may be a preacher’s daughter, but I’m also human. I wanted to experience it all.”

“How many other men were you with at the club?” His eyes darken and I snap.

“Seriously, you’re going to ask me that? What about you? You’re not the only one who got hurt.” He stares at me for a few seconds and then looks away. “You are the only one I was ever with. And you are the one who stood me up that last night in the dark room.”

His head snaps up. “I showed up. I was there. Hell, I’m the one who set it up so why the fuck would I stand you up? When I went into the room it everything was wrong. The way the woman was tied to the table and her body. I knew that wasn’t you. Before I even went in I knew I wasn’t going to do what you had requested because I’m not into spankings and I could pretty guess you weren’t either. I was pissed. I ripped into Jenica and told I was done.” My heart stops. He was in the play room while I was in the dark room. It only makes me angrier with Society X for screwing up. “You’re the only woman I was ever with there, Alex. I never wanted to sign up in the first place. My co-worker, Bryant … my first day at Ward Enterprises we head out to visit Sweet Briar. He says he wants to take me to lunch and since I’m new, of course I’m going to go. But we end up at that place and I drove, so it’s not like I can tell him to catch a ride back to the office. I met Jenica and she gave me a tour. I wasn’t interested, so I filled out the application with these ridiculous fetishes because in my mind I’m never stepping foot in there again.

“Then I get call or text. I don’t remember how it all started, but I’m new in town and working a ton of hours and since I had been in the club I was having these urges, and I have this message that some random chick wants to give me head. So I went.”

Hands shaking, he clasps them together and lowers his head. “When I took your virginity, that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. A part of me wanted to walk out of the room, but I couldn’t.” Tears flood down my cheeks and I bite my lip to keep from crying out. “From the beginning, we had a connection, Alex. All I wanted was to be with you, but I couldn’t help but wonder what made you want to give away something so precious to someone at a sex club. Did you ever consider how that would’ve made me feel?”

I scoff and glare at him. “We were in a sex club remember? Feelings weren’t supposed to matter. I didn’t think you’d care.”

He stares right at me. “I did, Alex. I’m not the kind of guy who gets off on taking advantage of someone. I might not have known who you were at the time, but I cared about you. It was real to me. It was important to me. And it scared the fuck out of me because I couldn’t wrap my head around why someone would want to do that? That is supposed to be sacred and … it’s supposed to be shared with someone you love or even like, someone you know. I wasn’t raised to take advantage of women. I get that we were in a sex club, but … my feelings mattered, Alex. That night, everything mattered.”

“And what are we now? We’re pissed at each other for things we had no control over. I think I’m more embarrassed and ashamed than anything. But I have to say, when you found out it was me, you ran away and left me to pick up the pieces. That is something I can’t get over.”

With a heavy sigh, Kai kneels down in front of me. I can see the sorrow and regret on his face, but it still doesn’t change the fact that he left in a fit of rage. It makes me wonder if he’ll always be like that.

“I’m sorry, Alex. I wish you knew how bad you brainfucked me that night in the dark room. I wanted you so bad, and the whole time we were making love, I was afraid I was hurting you. It felt wrong. The whole time I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to look into your eyes and thank you for trusting me with your body, but I couldn’t. We couldn’t be the way we should’ve been because of their fucked up rules. I wanted to give you my number, anything so I could see you outside that place.

“And when Jenica was standing there, saying that shit to us, my mind was reeling. I’m not pissed at you … or us. I’m upset because this situation is beyond fucked up, Alex. What are the chances? Portland is a big city and here we are, in love, and we find out our relationship started in a sex club. I find out the woman I’m in love with, who cut out on a date early, was doing so, so she could go be with me? And said woman gave me her virginity? That’s some fucked up shit, Alex, and I’m sorry if I reacted wrong, but I’ve never been in a situation like this.”

“But it was me,” I cry. “And when you found out the truth, I could see the horror on your face and you walked away from me. Do you even care how that made me feel?” He tries to hold my hands, but I move them away and stand, putting as much distance between us as I can. “I think we’ve said enough for the night.”

“What are we going to do now, Alex?” he murmurs.

I shrug. “I don’t know, but I think we should let everything process for a few days. My heart hurts too much right now.”

The room grows silent, but I can see his reflection in the glass cabinet I have in the living room. Eyes red, he looks just as distressed as me. He steps closer and reaches out a hand, but then pulls it back. “I love you, Alexandria. Running away was wrong and I should’ve stayed to make sure you were okay. I was a coward and acting irrationally. I can’t … I needed help understanding why … Please say you can forgive me.”

“You’re forgiven,” I whisper, glancing at him over my shoulder. “But I need you to leave.”

Deep down, I don’t want him to leave, but so much has happened. I need time to think. With a single nod, Kai turns on his heel and walks out the door, shutting it gently behind him. I thought my heart hurt before, but hearing him speed away split it right in two.

* * *

“Holy shit, so it was Kai the whole time?” Dani shrieks.

I drop the dumplings into the pot and nod. “And when he found out, he tossed his car keys at me and left. It was the worst feeling ever.”

Holding out her arms, Dani closes the distance and hugs me, dusting me with flour in the process. “I can imagine. Do you want me to kick his ass?”

“No,” I laugh. “We’ll figure out everything soon. It’s only been a day.”

I look around the kitchen and smile. One day soon it’s going to be mine and Dani’s. For now, it’s still Sandy’s, and we have clients to cook for. Adrienne has decided to spend the last of her pregnancy at home so she can rest.

Dani pats my back and lets me go. “A day can feel like ten years sometimes.”

I snort. “Got that right.”

“Has he tried to call you?”

“I don’t know. I turned my phone off. I’m not ready to face him again. I feel so stupid.”

A sad expression crosses her face. “And I’m partway to blame for that. If it wasn’t for me, you never would’ve gone to that club. I thought you were having fun there.”

Flashbacks of my nights there appear in my mind. I can’t help but smile. “I was,” I reply honestly. “I did a lot of things I never thought I’d do. It helped me find the real me.”

“For that, I’m glad. You’re not little miss goody-goody two shoes anymore.”

I wink, trying my best to smile. “Deep down, I never was.”

She runs a hand down my arm. “You both will work it out. I have no doubt. He loves you too much to walk away over something stupid. I mean, you two were basically cheating on each other with each other. Sounds crazy just thinking about it.”

“It does,” I agree. My heart still hurts each time it beats. “All I want is for things to get back to normal.”

“They will, girlie. And I think I know how to help you with that.”

“Oh yeah?”

Her grin widens. “I’m going to the bank today to apply for a business loan. That way, we can get this place up and running like we want.”

True excitement fills my chest and I squeal. With the way things are with Kai, I need the distraction.