I’ve walked down the bread aisle twice and both times fail to grab my favorite creamy peanut butter. That’s how preoccupied my mind has been since last night in the play room.

I can still remember the way it felt to orgasm with a man’s tongue on my clit. Just thinking about it now makes me tremble. I keep thinking about what I need to do next and I come up blank. I feel like we’re past the oral sex, as silly as that sounds.

I check my phone to see if I’ve missed a text from Jared, but there’s nothing. A part of me thinks I should make the next move, but I don’t want to appear desperate. I’m not a girl who has to pay for sex. Yes, I’m a virgin, but it’s not because I’m ugly and can’t get a date. I’m just inexperienced and men my age want someone who knows what they’re doing.

Grabbing the peanut butter, I set it in my cart and head for the produce section. The girls and I were given the day off since there was nothing to do. In the catering business, it’s not uncommon for there to be days when we’re not busy. The only problem is that I don’t get paid when we’re not working.

Once in the produce section, I reach for a package of strawberries, only for someone to try for the same one. Our hands touch and I pull back. “Sorry about that,” the man says.

I recognize his voice immediately and look up at him. Standing in front of me is my high school sweetheart and the first guy I ever fell in love with. We both knew it wouldn’t work when he went away to college. He looks the same as he did in high school; tall and handsome with auburn hair and green eyes. “Oh my God, is it really you?” Matt chuckles and I hug him. “It’s been so long.”

He hugs me tight and lets go. “That it has. How have you been?” Grabbing the strawberries, he puts them in my cart. “I didn’t know you were in Portland. I figured you’d still be in Sweet Briar.”

I try not to let his comment bother me. “I’ve been gone for a few years. Things have changed.”

His smile widens. “I can see that. You’re still as beautiful now as you were then.”

The heat rises to my cheeks and I grin. “Thanks. You’re looking good, too.”

He glances down at my ring finger. “I take it you’re not married.”

I shake my head. “Not yet. You?”

“Same. I just finished up law school and now I’m working in Vancouver at Marshall and Vaughn Law Firm.”

“That’s awesome. I’m so happy for you. I’m working for a catering company until I can branch out and start my own business.”

“You always wanted to be a chef,” he replies warmly. “I have to say, I sure do miss your cooking. Lunch period at school was my favorite time.”

I smack his arm. “That’s because you’d eat all my food. You used to drive me crazy.”

We both laugh and he shakes his head. “Those were the good ole days. Sometimes I miss them. I don’t see many of our friends.”

“Neither do I. I pretty much work and go home.” And go to Society X, but I’m not about to tell him that. Speaking of the club, I slide my hand over the top of my shirt to make sure my necklace can’t be seen.

Matt pulls out his phone. “If you don’t mind, I’d love to get your number. Maybe we can go out some time.”

“Sure,” I say without thinking. I give him my number and vice versa.

He smiles again and we hug. “I’m so glad I ran into you. I’ve thought a lot about you the past few years.”

“Ditto,” I reply in all honesty. I’ve often wondered where he was in life and if he was happy.

“I’ll call you tonight.”

He lets me go and I nod. “Okay.”

Once he walks off, I’m stuck standing by the strawberries, completely at a loss for words. A part of me is ecstatic to see Matt again, but then the other half feels guilty for even considering going out with someone else. Why do I feel guilty? I don’t even know the guy in the club. He’s probably a player. However, hearing his last words when he left the play room makes me think otherwise.

Pulling out my phone, I call Dani. “What’s up, chickadee?”

“I need your help. Can you meet me for dinner tonight?”

“Sure can. Is this about your happy time in the play room last night?”

I snort. “You have no idea. Meet me at Oscar’s.”

* * *

I head to Oscar’s, which is a prime steakhouse in downtown Portland. It has the best filet in town, and it has private seating. The stuff I want to tell Dani doesn’t need to be heard by anyone. Dani isn’t at the restaurant when I arrive so the hostess seats me first. She has short, black hair and a kind smile. I love when restaurants have friendly staff. That’s going to be requirement when I open my own place one day.

“Would you like anything to drink while you wait?” the hostess asks.

I nod. “A glass of Riesling, please.”

She nods. “I’ll tell your waiter.”

Not long after that, the waiter stops by and sets down my glass of wine just as Dani turns the corner. She sits across from me, and smiles at our waiter who is an older gentleman with graying dark hair and tanned skin.

“May I please have a gin and tonic?”

“Of course.” He nods and strolls off.

Not wasting any time, Dani scoots closer to the table. “Tell me everything. What happened last night?”

Leaning forward, I lower my voice. “He went down on me last night. It felt so damn good. I’ve never had anyone do that before.”

Giggling, she slaps a hand over her mouth. “That’s freaking hot. I seriously need to go there. Care to go with me one night?”

“Sure. I’d love to. Maybe Jared will see you and give you the tour.”

Picking up her napkin, she fans herself. “Whew, I can’t wait. I’m already hot just thinking about it.”

The waiter comes back and gives her the gin and tonic. We order our food and I get right down to business. “What should I do next?” I ask.

Her brows furrow. “What do you mean?”

I shrug. “I don’t know. Should I request another oral meeting or step it up? I know we’ve only met twice, but I don’t think any of the foreplay stuff is going to last with us. I want more and I know he does.”

Dani glances around to make sure no one’s near before focusing back on me. “Maybe you should try the dark room. You’re twenty-five years old. Surely, you weren’t expecting to be a virgin until you got married, right?”

I shake my head. “No, but I didn’t want to just lose it to anyone like everyone else I know.”

Dani shrugs. “It’s up to you, girlie. If you and this guy have a connection, it could be pretty romantic. Granted, you won’t be able to see each other in the dark room, but at least, you’ll get to experience being with someone fully. It’ll get you prepared for someone real.”

He is real. The words echo in my head, but I’m probably never going to know who he is. However, there is someone who’s real in my life. “I think I have another problem,” I whisper.

“What?” She takes a sip of her drink.

“I ran into someone from my past today. Do you remember Matt Davenport?”

Eyes wide, she gasps. “Are you serious? He was the love of your life.”

“Exactly,” I groan. “He wants to go out and I can’t date him and participate in the club. It’s not right.”

With a heavy sigh, she nods. “You’re right, you can’t. I guess it’s up to you to decide. Matt is your past, but this mystery guy could be your future. Do you want safe or sexy and adventurous with risk?”

I guzzle down the rest of my wine, my stomach in knots. I know what my body wants, but my head is screaming at me to turn to Matt.

“I don’t know,” I murmur, “but I’ll figure it out.”

After we finish eating, I head home and turn on my laptop. Dani’s question should be simple to answer. Do I want safe or sexy and adventurous with risk? A part of me wants safe just so I know I won’t get hurt, but then the other part wants to take the risk, even if I get hurt.

Matt is a sweet guy, but I don’t see him being able to quench my desires. It’s crazy because in high school, those kinds of things didn’t matter to me. However, I did love him deeply. Even now, there’s still a part of me that wonders what would’ve happened if I allowed our relationship to grow instead of letting him go, knowing he would have sex in college.

Grabbing a bottle of wine out of the refrigerator, I open it up and drink straight from it. I check my emails and catch up on everyone’s posts on Facebook. I drink more of my wine until I realize almost half the bottle is gone. My body feels weightless and I love the feeling. I can’t stop thinking about my night in the play room. There’s something about being in the club that turns me on. It must be the lack of inhibitions. It’s like anything I do there is acceptable, not like in our society. Back in my hometown, I’d be viewed as a whore.

“Fuck it,” I mutter, slurring the words.

I type in passionate sex in the search engine and hit Go. I’ve watched all sorts of porno movies about blowjobs but never ones about people actually having sex. A ton of videos pop up and I click on a random one, praying like hell a virus doesn’t get put on my laptop. The movie starts and the couple is on a bed, fully clothed and kissing. It’s very sensual. The guy unbuttons her shirt and sucks her breasts. My nipples tingle just watching it. Ever so slowly, their clothes come off and he enters her. For the next thirty minutes, my eyes are glued to the screen, watching them have sex in multiple positions. It’s so erotically hot it makes everything inside of me tighten. I’m one step closer to the final decision.