“Brian, Dr. Horne is ready for you,” the petite receptionist called out to him.

He nodded his thanks to Kelly and opened the only other door in the office. He’d been going there so long, she’d stopped referring to Brian so formally, especially after his and Dr. Horne’s relationship had grown into more than just patient/therapist. He considered him a friend, a confidant. He’d seen so many different psychologists since he’d been honorably discharged six years ago and all of them had rubbed Brian the wrong way… all except Colton.

“Hey King, come on in, man. Wasn’t expecting you until next week.” Colton came around his large oak desk, with his permanent cup of black coffee and white legal pad, to sit in the wingback chair across from the two-piece sectional. Brian made himself comfortable on the chaise lounge and leaned back.

Colton sighed lightly. “And you’re getting comfortable too. Wow, I figured this emergency appointment was big, so I wore my big boy pants. See how professional I look for you today.”

Brian couldn’t stop the ridiculous shake of his head and the amused smirk when he looked at his therapist’s dark tan slacks instead of the usual Adidas track pants. Colton spent so much time at the gym that athletic wear felt just as comfortable as his Navy uniform once had been. Brian didn’t care what Colton wore as long as he counseled him the same; and most of his ex-services patients no doubt felt similar.

Brian gave him an unenthusiastic thumbs-up for the dressing effort, but instead of accepting that, his doctor scowled. “I had to iron these and all I get is a piece of a thumb. See when I bother again.”

Brian huffed a genuine laugh. Colton never ceased to make him smile before they even started talking, no matter how Brian was feeling. He saw the smile lessen and Colton’s light eyes turn serious. Brian rotated his head and stared out of the large second story window onto downtown Atlanta, watching as people ambled about their day between tall buildings, going to and fro. People-watching was something he’d done since he was boy, before it even had that name. Before they called it that, Brian was just considered a staring creep, a boy with an eye problem. It was always in him to watch and observe. He lasered in on a man walking alone, his head down and feet dragging. Brian wondered if he had normal life. Had he just gotten bad news? No. This hurt looked bone deep. Was he riddled with heartache and loneliness? Maybe the man in the blue blazer was on his way to see his own therapist and work out his own shit. Brian frowned at the identical expression of melancholy on his face, reflecting Brian’s own feelings.

“What’s so interesting down there, King?” Colton finally asked, after several long moments. He never rushed Brian into anything, but he knew his friend could see the heaviness of whatever had brought him there today bearing down on him. The only way for Colton to help him was for Brian to start communicating. Colton was a lot of things, but most of all he was patient. There’d been more than a couple of sessions in the beginning where Colton had literally let Brian sit there for an hour and not communicate a single word only to tell him ‘great session’ at the end and ‘see you next week’.

“I was there again, Colt,” Brian signed. “Last night. I was back in that cave.”

Colton scribbled a few words then glanced up at him. “Where did it happen, Brian?”

“At the office.” Brian’s hands moved quickly. He was getting more frustrated as he began to lay out all the details he knew Colton wanted to hear. Where he’d been prior, what he’d been doing, where exactly the flashback had taken him to and for how long. None of the other therapists had seemed to mind Brian having to speak through an electronic device but he’d never gotten a comfortable feeling from them, as if they were putting up with it because they had to, all of them damn near trying to force Brian to talk out loud. Colton had never once asked Brian to try to speak. Not to mention it was a huge plus that Colton could sign, since his wife was hearing-impaired and it seemed that his eleven-year-old daughter may suffer the same genetic fate as her mother. Brian wished he could take the credit for finding such an amazing doctor, but it had all been Ford’s doing. His big brother was very active in his treatment.

“Why this setback now?” Brian’s thick hands made a hard-slapping sound when he formed the word ‘now’. “I can’t take these many steps backwards. There’s no way he’ll…”

Colton sat forward when Brian trailed off. “Finish what you were saying, Brian.”

Brian waved his hand dismissively. He wasn’t surprised his next thought was of Sway. If he couldn’t keep his mind in order, there was no way he was going to have a real relationship. He almost didn’t finish but he wasn’t there for Colton to guess what was going on with him. “You remember the guy I met.”

“Ah yes, the one you met at church.”

Brian didn’t want to scoff a laugh, but he did, which earned Colton a quick flick of Brian’s middle finger. “Fuck you. You know where I met him.”

“And you think that having one flashback in months is going to destroy everything, cancel out all your hard work, ruin your life, make you start all over from scratch.” Colton looked directly at Brian and signed his next words. “It doesn’t work that way. Something can only set you back if you allow it to take you back. You allow it. That flashback has a lot of power, I’ll admit. You know I don’t sugarcoat a damn thing. It only feels like going backwards because it’s in your past, but your future is still very much in front of you and still well within your grasp, Brian.”

Brian nodded. He understood what Colton meant and maybe he had given that flashback more control then he should’ve, but it had scared the shit out of him. Here he’d been thinking that maybe the worst was behind him. He’d always done his PTSD counseling and speech therapy, never slacked off, even when things were going well. Lately he’d been making considerable progress. It was only natural to think this was a big issue. But Colton had a way of making Brian see that things weren’t as bad as he made them.

“You mentioned that you thought the exploding bulb was the trigger,” Colton said calmly. “What did you do the second you heard the sound?”

Brian thought for a moment, lifting his hands to speak then dropping them back into his lap. He frowned, then responded. “I tried to breathe through it. I screamed in my mind for it to stop but… ”

“But… those bastards don’t always listen,” Colton said softly. “I know.”

Brian shook his head, staring at the clock on the wall, not seeing the time. “It started with Jenkins holding me. I could feel his arms. Every strand of hair, every scar, and piece of dirt on his body, I felt it against me, sitting right there on the floor in our office’s break room I could feel Jenkins squeezing me tight, telling me we’d be okay. It was so real. The smell, the sounds, the fear, were all there, Colt, as if it never went away.”

“It did go away. That cave is gone, blown to pieces.” Colton looked hard at Brian. “No matter what your mind allows you to relive, or how many times it takes you there; know that physically it’s impossible for you to ever be there again… ever. Because it doesn’t exist anymore.”

“It does exist, Colton.” Brian tapped his right temple. “In here, it still exists.”

Colton shifted in his chair. “This time it started with Jenkins holding you, why do you think it started there—at that particular point—this time and not in the Humvees right before the explosion like all the others used to?”

Brian thought about it for a second. He’d been so disappointed to have another flashback that he didn’t stop to think that this one wasn’t quite like the others. This time his mind’s focus was on the feelings he had when Jenkins was in the dark room with him with his arms around him, comforting him. “He… he was holding me. Jenkins.” Brian brows turned down as he put it together. “All I was focused on was how it made me feel when he did that. When I came to, I wanted that comfort again.”

“Brian. I think the flashback was triggered by the sound, but your mind didn’t take you directly to the violence this time, it took you to the small amount of peace, brotherhood, you had in there. Peace that Jenkins gave you with his touch.”

Brian’s chest constricted. If his loneliness was going to be a problem, he had no clue how to fix it. He’d been actively seeking out companionship, but between his dangerous job and hectic work hours, that was enough to scare any potential man away, then Brian had to go and add his mutism to the pot which all made a recipe for an unsuccessful dating life.

“I know that look.” Colton put his pad down and picked up his coffee. It had to be cold by now, but it didn’t stop Colt from taking a big gulp. “You’re thinking you’ve got too much baggage to be happy with someone.”

Brian stood, his actions telling Colton that he was right. He propped his hand up on the cool glass and watched the foot traffic below while his doctor talked. Colton dissected Brian’s flashback some more and the deeper meaning he saw behind it. They also talked about his work, his brother, and of course, his speech therapy and how that was going. After his session, Colton figuratively removed his professional pants and went into good friend mode.

“Have you tried to reach out to him again, Brian? The way you described your initial meeting and then the chance meeting with him at your brother’s house, I mean, it didn’t sound like he wasn’t interested. By the way, my wife still loves for me to recount that story.”

Brian spun around feigning anger. “A bit unethical, don’t you think, doc?”

“Hey. Until you’ve been in the dog house for a week, then you can condemn me for my by-any-means-necessary unethical methods to get back into my comfortable bed.”

Brian loved Colton’s wife and knew the wild woman did have an unhealthy obsession for gay men. Dinner conversations were never vanilla at Colton’s. “She thanks you… and so do I.”

Brian smiled broadly. It seemed an impossible feat after how he’d been feeling last night and all morning. He left Colton’s office with a firm order to keep his appointment next week and another invitation to meatloaf night at his house. If he wasn’t working, he’d be there. Brian loved Colt’s family, and he loved to eat.