Brian stopped at the long mirror in his bathroom. He was dressed comfortably, in blue jeans and a hunter green long-sleeved shirt. He tucked his forty-five in the small of his back and grabbed his wallet. He’d deliberately dressed slow so he didn’t watch the clock. Sway didn’t give him a time that he’d return, only that he needed a couple of hours to change and check on his mom. That was almost three hours ago.

Brian went in his kitchen—if for no other reason, then to find one—he opened his fridge and took out the last of his orange juice. He desperately needed to get to the grocery store, but if Sway had time to chill with him today, then he’d happily put it off for later. Brian eyed the clock on the microwave.

Fuck. What if he ain’t coming back?

Brian hated when doubt crept in. He should’ve felt pretty confident. Sway had given him the sweetest, gentlest kiss this morning when he’d woken to find Brian staring creepily at him. Why did he have to overdo everything? He was working himself up trying to make everything just right and he was going to end up blowing it like always. Brian did some of his breathing exercises for when he felt anxious. Sway wasn’t like the others, he had to remember that. Instead of texting Sway like an impatient control freak, he figured he’d go in the library—the windows faced the front, he could keep watch for him—and pick out another book while he waited.

Brian chose The Rings of Saturn again. He’d read Sebald’s masterpiece many times before, but it was a favorite. He hadn’t realized he’d gotten lost in the eccentric language and photos until he heard the sound of Sway’s Impala, which sounded in desperate need of a tune-up and maybe a timing belt. Brian checked his watch, noting it was almost noon. What had kept him? Brian left the book open on his chaise and went to the window. He had a perfect view of Sway through his front windshield. He had his head tilted back, his jaw working as if he was praying, then he dropped his head down until his forehead landed on his steering wheel.

Brian frowned. What the hell? Concerned, he was just about to turn and hurry to the front door but the next look he saw on Sway’s face stopped him cold and horrible dread settled low in his gut, making him want to double over.

Disappointment. That’s what he saw all over that gorgeous face. He knew the expressions well. Sway was getting ready to come in there and give Brian some news he really didn’t want to receive. No wonder it’d taken him so long to return. Far longer than a couple of hours. Sway must’ve been trying to think of a way to tell Brian the truth. That the severity of his issues was too much. He probably wouldn’t say it that way, though. No. He’d probably say he was suddenly called in for work or some other excuse why they couldn’t hang out today. Then Sway would leave. He’d say he’d be back… but he wouldn’t.

Brian stared helplessly at Sway as he went through a series of what Brian guessed were drafts in his head. Rehearsing how he was going to let Brian down gently. Well, he could stop practicing. Brian didn’t need niceties. Not anymore. Brian hissed and slammed his hand into the bookshelf beside the window. The loud thud wasn’t satisfying enough, so he did it again, this time, cracking the wood.

Fuck me!

He didn’t want to be this upset, but he’d wanted Sway to be his. Would he get over this? Yes. Only his biggest fear was having to come to the realization that he may be alone for the rest of his life. The fantasy he’d dreamed of last night while he’d held a warm body against him, wasn’t anything like the reality he was faced with now. His house would always be just that… a house… never a home. A bunch of nicely decorated rooms that would only collect dust.

The doorbell sounding yanked Brian from his somber thoughts. His legs felt heavy as he moved to the front door. He hadn’t realized he’d started to sweat until he ran his hand over his forehead and through his hair. Brian took a deep breath and blew it out. He had to calm himself down. This was what it was. He’d soldier through this obstacle like he did everything in his life. With a slightly shaking hand he reached for the knob and opened the heavy door. Brian didn’t meet Sway’s eyes when he let him inside. When he closed the door, Brian realized this was going to be the last time Sway was in his space. He turned his head and swallowed, Sway watching him curiously.

“Are you okay, Brian?” Sway asked, touching his shoulder.

Brian didn’t answer. Instead he turned and walked out the foyer, back to his library. He was going to need a drink after this for sure. He kept his head high as he did, though he felt as if a mountain was resting on him, trying to drag him down. When he turned into the room, he busied himself with picking up his books and returning them to the shelf, then tossing the blanket onto the foot of the chaise.

“Um,” Sway started. “I was hoping you wanted to talk. I have to say something and I hope you—”

Brian spun around, finally laying eyes on Sway. Oh, he was beautiful. There was plenty of sunlight coming through the open windows, enough to make it appear like a halo over Sway’s head. His hair was combed back, but the deep waves at the bottom looked so feathery soft. Brian almost stepped forward to pull Sway to him, so he could bury his lips right there behind his ear. Brian wanted comfort, and wasn’t that just the problem. He was taking too much.

“Talk,” Brian said with one hand. His face was like stone. He wouldn’t show weakness if he could control it. He turned and went to the wing-back chairs, so he wasn’t forced to sit too close to Sway on the love seat. He smelled too good.

He caught Sway’s stare when he sat down, it was one of confusion and maybe a hint of fear. “Are you sure you’re all right? You seem different.”

Brian simply shook his head, his face still impassive and body completely composed on the outside. On the inside, he was screaming for it all to stop. All the hurt and disappointment, please just stop for a little while. Enough for him to catch his breath.

Sway rubbed his hand over his peach fuzz, laughing a little uncomfortably. “It’s making what I have to say a little harder.”

No need to sugar coat it. Just say it. Brian could’ve given Sway an easy out, but no way. He was going to make him say it. If he was being honest. He had to actually hear the words. If Sway was going to kick him to the curb that quick then he’d take it like a man.

“My… um. I know we’re moving this at a relaxed pace, but I just wanted you to know that I’m in. In this crazy, fun, excitingly, intense thing that we have. I wanna see where it can go, if anywhere.” Sway bit his bottom lip nervously. “I was at home… and… I was talking… well, my mom wants to meet you.”

Brian finally registered what Sway said but he didn’t move.

Sway squeezed his eyes shut when Brian’s mask shattered. His mouth dropped open and he sat there staring stupidly at Sway. “Jesus, look at your face. Okay just forget it.” Sway jumped up as if he’d been poked and began to nervously pace and backpedal. “Forget I said any of that. I didn’t even mean for it to come out that way. It’s not how I practiced it… oh hell. Okay. I was… I mean I went home and my mom said I looked happy and she doesn’t really see me smile that much. Especially in the morning. I’m not a morning person at all. Well, except for this morning. I mean… shit.” Sway rambled on and Brian was too enthralled and stunned to stop him. “So, I was telling her that I really like you and I was going to try to spend more of my free time with you… or… I want to… if you do. Then Tweetie said that they must approve first. It’s so silly and old-fashioned. I told them that.”

Brian dropped his stupid head into his hands. He couldn’t believe what he’d done. He’d uselessly tortured himself for five damn minutes. Sway had been practicing how to ask Brian if he wanted to really give this thing a go and he’d thought…

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to put that kind of pressure on you.” Sway was right beside him now. Rubbing his sure hands along his back. Then he heard what must’ve been Sway slapping his forehead. “I was the one that said we should take this slow and then I blurt out that shit. Brian, I really am—”

Brian stood abruptly, startling Sway in the process and yanking him up and into his arms. He was probably cutting off Sway’s circulation, but he couldn’t let up on his grip, not even a little bit. He thought Sway had slipped through his fingers already. This was a complete one-eighty. Sway wanted to introduce him to the only family he had left. Dana liked the idea of them together. Now Sway’s mom and that nurse who was like a second mom wanted to meet him. Sway must’ve talked about him. Good things. That had to mean… that meant serious business. Sway wanted him!

Sway laughed as if he was short of breath and Brian eased up his bear hug. “Is this good? I thought you hated the idea.”

Brian closed his eyes and soaked in Sway’s body pressed so tightly against his own.

Sway squeezed back just as hard. “I thought I scared you away,” he whispered against Brian’s neck.

Brian told himself then and there that he wouldn’t doubt Sway again. Not until he really gave him a reason. He’d almost triggered a panic attack or flashback by overthinking and analyzing. He had to stay calm. If this was going to be, then it would be. Taking Sway’s chin in his big palm, he tilted his face up and placed an innocent peck there that quickly morphed into a soul-soothing kiss. He could only imagine how confused Sway must be at his behavior. Now, he had to sit down and explain himself.

Sway nodded as he watched him sign. He told him the truth. “It wasn’t right to assume anything about you. And I shouldn’t lump you into any categories I may have developed in my head,” Brian tried to explain.

Sway look genuinely disappointed. Brian had doubted him for no reason. He didn’t want Sway to think he had trust issues, because he didn’t think he did. What he could be was pessimistic because of his situation and having been living it for so long.

Sway stood and moved as Brian signed. He didn’t follow him and crowd him, he had more to tell him and he wanted to give him some space to process everything.

“I have been having more flashbacks and panic attacks than normal, but I can get them back under control. This isn’t… it’s not usually so bad. I think we can both do this. Try at it. We’ll go at whatever pace feels natural; slow or fast.”

“This is going to be a learning experience for both of us. I haven’t had a steady guy since my freshman year… I think, it lasted long enough to call it steady.” Sway shrugged. “I’m not sure. But, I’ve steered clear of getting too attached to someone else, ya’ know. It’s hard when they don’t understand the pain I’ve experienced.”

Brian nodded. He did know.

Sway took Brian’s hand and led him to the love seat, sitting close to him. He took a deep breath before he spoke, his voice slightly rough with emotion. “Stanton was everything to me, Brian. He was the other half of me… the good half. He was only seven minutes older, but he acted like it was seven years older.” Sway chuckled fondly. “He was so damn mature, and I lived on his every word. I used to follow him and Dana around like a puppy, but they didn’t make me feel like that. We lived in a rough neighborhood—no real father figures around—and they protected me since I was always a runt. Gangs, drugs, violence, you name it, we faced it. But, D and Stanton always did the right thing. Never got caught up in the streets. D got into marksmanship and Stanton stayed busy with multiple jobs and school.

“He was going to be a doctor. He decided pledging to a fraternity for his sophomore year was a good idea; a way to make lifelong professional connections, he said.” Sway made a disgusted sound. “He would’ve got in and they would’ve loved him. Everyone loved him. On a night the pledges were supposed to have off from rushing, they’d celebrated, and started drinking then the bigger brothers called an impromptu meeting or whatever… frat crap. And pledges couldn’t say no.” Sway frowned as if he hated telling this story and Brian wanted to stop him to spare him the pain but he didn’t disturb him.

“My brother told his friend not to go, to forget it. There was no way they should drive. They’d take the punishment for not showing. Instead the guy was freaking out because if he didn’t get into his dad and granddad’s frat then he would never live it down.”

“He told the guy that if he was getting in the car, then he was too… thinking it would’ve stopped him.” Sway swallowed hard, he looked ready to break down but he held strong. “It didn’t. My brother got in, to try to stop him but the guy took off driving anyway. He wrapped the car around a street pole two miles from campus.”

Brian couldn’t stop himself. He pulled Sway onto his lap and he came easily, settling into the position as if he’d been doing it for years. The soft whine and moan Sway released into his throat as he wrapped his arms around Brian’s neck was a comfort. Now it was his touch that soothed Sway. Brian wanted to show he could be useful in the relationship as well. He rubbed his hands up and down Sway’s quivering frame. It’s okay, sweetbaby. I got you.

“The fucked-up part is my brother died, but the guy who’d decided to drive drunk… walked away.” Sway groaned as if the pain was as fresh now as it was then.

Brian wholly understood and all he could do was squeeze him tighter. Life really could be an unfair bitch.