Thirty-Five
Archer
“Get up!” A blast of cold water sent me flying into the air.
“What are you doing?” I roared.
Mona stared at me, clutching a bucket in her hands. “We need to talk.”
“Leave me alone,” I said, ducking down and wrapping my arms around my head.
Mona slapped me hard on the head and, with surprising strength, pulled me into a standing position. “Stop it! Stop it this instant.”
I collapsed onto the bare mattress.
“Why are you doing this to yourself, huh?” She was furious. “Why can’t you just go over there and talk to her? Instead of shutting yourself off from the world like a damn recluse?”
I didn’t have an answer.
“God, both of you are out of your minds. It’s like I have to press you two together and undress you just to get you to do the deed.”
“Mona…”
“No, I don’t want to hear anything you have to say. You need to understand something: you're delusional, you idiot. That girl wants to be with you, even if she says that she doesn’t. She is torturing herself over you right this second, and I’ll bet you she is staring at her phone, waiting for you to call her.”
“She’s not.”
“Ugh,” she raged. “How could you possibly be this blind? You saved the girl’s life. I know you did. You don’t even have to tell me what happened.”
“I…”
“Shut up and listen to me.” She threw the phone into my lap. I grabbed it and threw it against the wall.
“I’m at my wit's end. I have done everything I can, but I can’t heal the blind.”
“I’m not blind.”
“Yes, you are! Why can’t you see that?”
“I’m a monster.”
She laughed. “Is that what you’re telling yourself?”
“I went there to kill him. I was ready to do it, and it took a lot for her to get me to stop.”
“Good!” she exclaimed.
“What is wrong with you?”
“What did he do?”
“He took a blazing hot knife and put it to her throat.”
“You should’ve shot him right between the eyes.” She pointed her finger to show me where. “Did he get at her?”
“He tied her up.”
“Was she screaming?”
I fell back onto the bed, too upset to say anything, so I nodded my head.
“That really hurt when you heard her scream, didn’t it?”
“Don’t do this, Mona. You’re wrong.”
“You’re not a monster. You’re in love. The proof is all around you. The kind of man you’re making yourself out to be doesn’t even understand the concept of love.”
“It doesn’t matter how I feel. She’s never going to be with me. She’s afraid of me. She…saw me…”
“Anyone in your situation would’ve lost control. That doesn’t make you a killer. It doesn’t mean that you’re a cold-blooded sociopath. It means that you love her, and you were faced with the possibility of seeing her die. I’d have shot him. Does that make me a monster?”
I blocked her out.
“Archer, you know I’m right. What did she say?”
“She begged me not to. Then she started to say that she couldn’t be with me if I hurt him. I still tried to strangle him, and she was screaming. Any longer and he would’ve been dead.”
“The shock will wear off.”
“How can you say that so easily after what happened?”
“She’s not as blind as you are.”
“I don’t know that.” Mona sat down next to me and wrapped her arms around my shoulders. I rested my head on her chest. We didn’t say anything. She knew that I might be right, even from her sharp, pragmatic perspective. This was too much for Zoe. “I need her here.”
“I know.”
“No, you don’t know.” I pulled back. “This whole room smells like her. The bed, the mattress, the canopy, the air. She’s here. I can practically feel her. I can see us together. It’s torture.” My voice cracked.
“I know.”
“Why is this happening?”
“It’s a test. I know that sounds terrible, but that’s exactly what it is. If she walks away and doesn’t come back, then she’s too stupid to see how good of a man you are, and she doesn’t deserve you.”
“I don’t deserve her! Why can’t you understand that?”
“Because you’re human and in order to truly love somebody, you have to move past your ideal version of who they are. If they can’t do that, then they can’t love you for all of the amazing things that make you you.” She glanced down at the floor where I’d left an empty fifth of whiskey the night before. “You’re beautiful, Archer. You have to love yourself, too, because if you don’t, you’re going to keep going for the wrong woman. You didn’t see Cara like I did. You wanted somebody who wanted to hurt you, and now you want Zoe, and if she can’t accept you, even if she comes back, you’ll be making a huge mistake.”
“How can I love myself after what I’ve done?”
“You have to see it in the context of the situation and take into account the intensity of your relationship.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“Not when you’re this emotional, but I know that after a time, regardless of what happens, you’ll see things in a different light. She’s the one that’s wrong. You didn’t act like a monster—you proved yourself to her.”
“I can’t cling to any of this.”
“Fine.” She got up. “Hide from the world. Destroy your life. Drink until there’s nothing left. It’s your choice.” She walked out.
I got in the shower, and I turned the water on as hot as I could. I needed the pain. It felt good to know that I knew there was something wrong with me. I didn’t measure up.
I grabbed my loofa and poured soap on it, determined to hurry up and get to work. Once I started scrubbing, I couldn’t stop. I felt dirty, like I’d been tainted by my actions. Even when I saw the blood running down the drain, it wasn’t enough. I’d never be clean.
I would have killed him.
My skin was raw and burning, and my eyes were bloodshot. It didn’t matter. I threw on the first shirt I could find and hobbled into a pair of pants, then sat down on my bed to put on my shoes and socks.
“Archer,” Mona called from the nursery.
I stepped into my shoes and ran down to see what she wanted. “What is it?” I asked when I walked into the nursery.
She was sitting on the chair holding Abel who was sucking on a bottle with his eyes drooping. “I just wanted to see the way you softened up when you saw him. I thought maybe it’d calm you down a little bit.”
I turned around and walked down the stairs. It was a noble effort, but even Abel couldn’t change things. Seeing him would just remind me of what it was like to have Zoe there with me. She was good with the boys. I leaned against the banister. My breath caught in my throat. I couldn’t allow myself to think about her.
I had thousands of people depending on me to keep my company running, and I was acting like a child. This didn’t matter, I told myself. It didn’t. She was just one woman.
I shook my head and started walking back down. She wasn’t just one woman. She was Zoe. Without her, I’d end up just like my father. Mona was right. I couldn’t handle the pressure of raising the twins alone, and I wasn’t whole without a woman by my side. I never was.
I waited outside while the driver pulled up. My phone was buzzing well before we got on the road, but I didn’t have the energy to deal with that. I wasn’t even sure it was a good idea for me to go into the office after what’d happened. I looked like a mess. People would see me. They’d talk and ask questions. I was the boss. I couldn’t have a visible crisis. I’d have to turn back and go home.
I pressed the intercom button to talk to the driver. “Sir?”
The black leather seats and the windows were fading away, and I was standing over Mr. Beetle with a gun pointed at him.
“Sir?”
I was ready to kill him. I had my finger on the trigger, and I was going to do it.
“Sir, is everything okay?”
“Sorry.” I pulled my finger off the button and looked around the cabin. I was in the limousine. That was over. He was alive, and he got what he deserved, no more, no less. But I was still a monster. I still strangled him, even though Zoe begged me not to do it. I still went ahead anyway.
We stopped at a checkpoint outside the base. My window was rolled down, and the MP was staring at me with his hand held out. “ID?”
“Here.” I reached into the pocket and pulled out the card.
The man gave me an odd look before scanning it. He took his time reading it and checking the back. Then he handed it back to me. “Go on through.”
The chain link gate opened, and we drove onto the base. I was going to lock myself in my office and stay in there until the day was over. It didn’t matter who called or showed up at the front desk. It could be the president himself, and I still wouldn’t open the door for him. That was the only way I was going to keep from exploding.
The receptionist was waiting at the back entrance when we pulled up. She came right up to my window and knocked on it. “Sir?”
“Go away,” I yelled through the door.
“It’s important.”
“I don’t care right now, Angela.”
“But sir…”
I pressed the intercom button. “Do you want me to pull out?” the driver asked.
“Take me to the testing department warehouse, and when you get there, tell everyone to leave except for the supervisor.”
“Yes, sir.” He put the car in reverse and peeled out. I didn’t know what I was doing. I just knew that I wasn’t going to get away with walking into the office without being bombarded by a thousand things at once, and I knew what would happen.
I couldn’t let anyone see me like this. Rick was the only person I could trust. He was vulgar and sloppy, but he was real, and he didn’t want anything from me. The limo stopped at the back of the warehouse, and the driver got out so Rick could talk to him.
They had a long exchange, and both glanced my way. I kept my head down, but I knew that they both knew something was wrong. I should’ve left. Rick wouldn’t talk, and neither would the driver, but I was making a scene. People were going to know.
Rick crawled into the seat next to me. “What happened?”
“Fuck everyone.” I shouldn’t have come.
“Are you okay? You look like you got in a fight with a bobcat.”
“Somebody broke into Zoe’s house and tied her up and tried to attack her.”
“Holy shit. Did you get him?”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Tell me you did something, man. You must’ve. Look at you.”
“I went too far.”
“Is he dead?”
“No, he’s not dead.”
“That’s too bad.” Rick shook his head. “If a guy came after my girl, I’d put him in the fucking ground. After I made him suffer.”
“That’s sick.”
“What? No, don’t tell me you’re beating yourself up over this shit.”
“I almost killed him! She was begging me to stop, and I kept going. I kept going, Rick. Had she not been there, he’d be dead. She was right to leave me.” I slammed my hand against the window, and it nearly shattered.
“She left you? Forget her, Archer. You risk your ass to save her life, and she walked out? If you’re still into her, there’s something wrong.”
“You think it’s okay to just go around attacking people?”
“I think you did what you had to do, and that you were in a bad situation.”
“Now I’m alone, and I hate myself.”
“Go home. Screw those people at the office. Take a sleeping pill, go to bed, and don’t wake up until you’re making sense.”
“No…”
He got out and ducked his head in. “I already told the driver to take you, and he says that he won’t bring you back to the office no matter what you do.” Rick walked off before I could respond. I didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t show up to work looking the way that I did. How could I get people to respect me when I couldn’t even respect myself?
Mona rushed downstairs when I walked in. She stopped when she saw me and rested her hands on her hips. “What are you doing?”
I sidestepped her to walk back up the stairs.
“Tell me you’re not going to go up there and mope again.”
“I need a sleeping pill. I know you have them.” I turned back to her.
“That is the most sensible thing I’ve heard in a long time.” She fished a bottle of pills from her purse. “Here.” She held out two of them. “Forget that you exist. When you wake up, I’ll give you some more.”
I took one out of her hand and swallowed it dry. “I’m not an escapist.” I started to walk back up to my room.
“No, you’re just a masochist,” she called up.
I wondered whether or not it was okay for a monster to be a masochist. Maybe in the eyes of the world, it would just make me seem more pathetic.