~Elli~
“Do me a favor? Listen to ‘The Light’ by Disturbed…”
I smirk, interested as to why Raiden is having me listen to a band notorious for their hard beats and deep vocals.
I pop a new tab open in Chrome and YouTube it. The cover looks eerily optimistic for being close to heavy metal.
The beginning has me already feeling uplifted, when the guitar starts, I know I just found my new anthem. This song is amazing. I feel like he’s singing about my life, my fears keeping me blinded.
Raiden gets me.
I bob my head along, following the lyrics on the screen, turning up the volume on my MacBook.
I tap out an email to Raiden, letting the words filter through my ears and right down to pool in my soul, giving me another piece of strength to add to my rapidly growing collection.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Disturbed
Raiden,
Thank you for this, somehow you knew exactly what I needed.
You gonna be my light, Raid?
-E
I smile, pleased with myself and feeling on a total high. It is the perfect mix of being the inspiration and motivation I need to keep moving forward while kicking absolute ass with the guitar and bass.
I buy it in iTunes, and put it on repeat, memorizing the words.
Raiden is my light. Or rather he’s showing me the light I have been missing all this time.
I lean my head back against my pillows and let the vocals wash over me, familiarizing myself with the words and feeling really light.
When it goes on repeat for the third time I look down at my screen and see an email from a certain Marine sitting there waiting for me to open it.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Light
Elli,
I was hoping you would like it, every time I hear it I think of you.
You’re your own light, sweet girl.
-Raid
This man.
This man knows exactly what to say to me.
Now I have a song that I can listen to whenever I want to feel empowered. Something to stave off feeling like a basket case, and one that will remind me of a certain Marine serving overseas.
I certainly want to be my own light, and in some ways, I know that I’m the only one that can pull me out of this funk, but sometimes I wonder…how can I?
How can I pick up and leave Garrett in the past?
I don’t think I will ever be able to move past his monumental impact on my life, he was my everything.
I want to be strong, and sometimes I think I’m doing pretty okay.
But then there are other times that I feel that my broken parts are showing and everyone is staring at them.
I wonder if Raiden likes the strong version I try and project over email, or if he would be okay with the scarred real me.
It’s easy to pretend I’m normal over the computer, maybe forget for a little while that I am merely walking around as half a person. That sometimes the grief over not having Garrett with me is all consuming and I get moody and don’t smile, don’t eat, don’t breathe.
Maybe I should ask him, cut the bullshit. Show him the Elli that not everyone sees, the Elli that is still such a shell of a person that maybe there isn’t anything left at all.
He is so sweet to me, he deserves at least to know the me that I truly am.
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE: Light
Raiden,
To answer your earlier questions, I’m doing better.
My middle name is Avery. Elli Avery Hendricks. Which is Garrett’s last name, my maiden name is Bjorgo.
I am twenty-six years old and I was actually born in Norway, Stavanger to be exact. My family came to California when I was five so I remember being there, and it was beautiful, there’s nothing like it.
But I guess that’s the same with California, it is my second favorite place in the whole world.
Raiden… I know I keep going back and forth between happy and playful, and sad and depressing. But I can be honest with you, right? I have to be.
You make me smile, you should know that. I smile big because of you. But then I feel guilty for smiling because of you and not being torn apart at that moment by the death of my husband.
In some ways, I want to move on so badly, and then in other ways, I feel that there is no way to do it.
I know I must sound so totally fucked up, and I am, I can admit that. But I can tell just talking to you brings out the happy, it is hard to deal with after living as an empty shell for so long, but you bring it out.
That is partially why I struggle so much with it, it’s hard for me to let myself smile, let myself laugh and be happy that someone so far away is taking time out of their day to email me, to call me, to console me…constantly.
I don’t really know what will happen if we keep talking like this, but I think I want to find out. I just ask…be patient with me…please.
Because I think in my darkness, I’m finally seeing some light.
-Elli
Now that it’s all out there in the open, I want to take it back.
I typed it all out so quickly and hit send just as fast.
I knew if I let myself review any of it I wouldn’t get it out.
This had to happen, it had to be said.
I let him know how much he makes me smile and that scares me.
What scares me more is the thought of him not wanting to talk to me anymore because of the head case I am.
Who would want to take on that kind of baggage…?
God, but I want him to.
There’s something about him that speaks to the secret parts of me that are still able to desire.
After all, I am still a woman, still someone who still secretly yearns to be treated like she matters again. Regarded as someone worth loving and taking a risk on.
I can’t take being broken like this all the time.
I want to be worth it, I want to be something more than a widow.
I stand up and walk over to my mirror, a full-length reflection of Eli looking back at me with ice blue eyes.
I have to be stronger than this. I have my best friend here whenever I need her, and I have someone who calls me sweet girl, oceans away…but he’s there. He comforts me and makes me smile.
I have to be stronger than this.
Steeling my resolve, I swing my gaze to my closet once more.
Taking a fortifying step forward, I open the doors and turn on the light. Seeing the destruction left over from my most recent breakdown, I know what needs to be done. It’s merely a baby step, but it’s a step that needs to be made. It’s been two years, this is just one piece that I think I can let go of, even if I can’t let him go completely I can take back a sliver of control in my life.
I sink to my knees and start folding Garrett’s clothes, bringing some of them up to smell one last time, all the while feeling an innate sense of calm crashing over me, like I can really do this.
Jen pops her head in the door and gasps so loudly I’m surprised she didn’t choke.
“Whatcha doing, girlfriend? You okay?”
She’s cautious, like I’m some sort of feral animal who could snap at any second, which only really does one thing for me. Make my decision that much more concrete.
I need to change, I need to just put my big girl panties on and saddle up, this is my life and I need to be in control, not just skating by pretending to live.
I throw her a smile, a blinding megawatt smile and say, “Yeah babe, can you get me some bags? We need to make a run to the VA.”
I can tell she’s still in shock because she just side eyes me and walks out backward, narrowing her gaze until I can’t see her anymore.
Sigh.
This is right.
I needed to start coming back to myself many moons ago but I guess better late than never, yeah?
I rock back on my heels and go to my sound bar, Bluetooth connecting my phone and start blasting a certain song I can’t get out of my head, turning up the volume loud enough to drown out everything else.
Jen comes back in to help and within an hour, we have all of Garrett’s clothes (minus his Uniforms because I just can’t get rid of those) loaded up in my Mustang and we are speeding toward the VA.
Originally, I didn’t think of going to the VA, I thought maybe just Goodwill or the Salvation Army would suffice, but the more I thought about it, the more the VA called to me. My dad was a Navy SEAL, my granddad a P.T Boat Commander in WWII, and even my grandmother served as a nurse in Pearl Harbor. I have such a strong and proud history of vets in my family that it only makes sense to give back to people that don’t always get treated right. Can you imagine fighting a war for your country and coming back to no job, no benefits, not one single ounce of help when you have already given up so much? It breaks my damn heart. My family had been somewhat lucky that they never had to deal with being treated anything less than they deserved, aside from Garrett.
Veteran’s affairs are so overlooked that it makes me sick, hopefully providing gently used clothing to people that can use them will make their day a little brighter.
I pull into the parking lot at the VA and look over at Jen, twisting in my seat and she’s there, looking right back at me.
“I think I need to start being more involved, Jen.”
She squints. “More involved in….?”
I nod once. “In Veteran’s Affairs, in my life and in moving forward.” I nod once more and cross my arms over my chest, determination set.