~Raiden~
Weston and I make our way back to our tent, after what can only be described as a good day. A good day in war isn’t the same as any good day, it just means none of my buddies died and I thank God for that.
I take my helmet off and shake out my hair, sand, of course, flying everywhere. I need a damn shower. I’m in a foul mood despite having a good day here in this hot madness. I wasn’t concentrating hard enough today on the shit at hand, instead I was thinking of what I could possibly say to Elli.
She doesn’t need to be talking to me when my existence isn’t guaranteed. She went through her husband’s tours and she knows the drill, she knows the uncertainty that comes with being over here fighting what I hope is the good fight.
I grab my clean clothes and head to the showers. They’re outside in the open but they get the job done, I don’t mind it. Letting the frigid water wash over my dirty, tired body I sigh. When will I get this chick off my mind. I don’t do the dating thing, when I’m stateside I hit the bars, I find a hot little piece to take back to my place and send her packing as soon as I’m done with her. Not that I’m disrespectful but she needs to know where she stands with me, I don’t do relationships for the expressed reason of what Eli is going through.
Who knows what I’m gonna be like when I’m done, either dead or fucked up I’m sure. No woman needs to deal with that, take that burden that isn’t hers to have. God, putting someone who seems as sweet as Elli through that would destroy me all the way on the other side if that’s where I ended up. No way. I protect women from that and enjoy getting my dick wet in the process. Besides that, I haven’t wanted to love anyone enough to want to be with them for an extended period. Like I said, when I bring a woman home they need to know where they stand and with me, they really don’t.
I finish up showering, glad the dirt isn’t caking my exhausted muscles anymore, and resolve to go into the comm tent and tell Elli to stop writing me. It’s for her own good, I know it. Maybe even for my own good too. I boot up the computer and click my email, knowing this is the only way she can heal. I probably can’t help her and I need to accept that. My eyes widen in surprise when I see an email from her waiting for me.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Garrett
Raiden,
I was drinking Garrett’s favorite beer after a day I am surprised to say I loved, getting dolled up and pampered with my best friend. I sat there feeling melancholy, tasting one of my favorite tastes that remind me so much of my husband.
Then I let what happened wash over me. I know, really heavy stuff but honestly, I need to tell you. I need to stop feeling this burning, this searing feeling that consumes my entire soul, what’s left of it anyway. I just feel that even after a few emails you’re there listening to me. The anonymity of us helps, if you knew me, you would know I haven’t spoken to anyone about this. Phew, okay here it is…
When Garrett came back from his last tour in Afghanistan he wasn’t the man I married. He used to look at me like I was the only woman in the world, and he would do anything for me. He did do everything for me. But when he came back, it was like the light inside him had gone out. We were partners in crime, best friends and yet he was shutting me out as if I was a stranger.
When I tried to talk to him about it, he would either shut down or lash out at me. It finally got the point where he unknowingly choked me until I saw stars. I thought maybe if I tried to get him to open up, we would be able to get through it. But we didn’t, he only distanced himself more. I wasn’t going to give up though, that was never an option for me. I would rather have died.
The day it…happened… I spent the morning with him, laughing and carrying on like nothing was wrong… and Raiden, he smiled at me. When it happened, it was so stunning to me that I lost my breath and I could almost feel my heart healing. I thought this was going to be the beginnings of a breakthrough...but I was so wrong. It wasn’t quite the radiant smile from before but it was progress! I honestly could have cried. Jen came and picked me up to go to the gym for some pole dancing class she thought would be fun. When we came back I was on an absolute high so happy to come home to him, for once I was hopeful we could get back to who we were.
I walked in the door and there he was. In a pool of blood, the man I vowed to love until death do us part. Death had parted us.
In his hand was my pink little 9mm. He used the gun he had bought me as an anniversary present to shoot himself…shoot himself in the head. I don’t remember what happened but I think the neighbors heard my screaming. Jen later told me that I blacked out, getting on my knees and holding his ruined head in my arms and screaming like I was the one dying. She truly thought I would die right along side him.
She said I was head to toe covered in his blood. When the police and the paramedics arrived, Jen have to physically drag me out of my house, our house.
I don’t truly remember anything until after the funeral. I was in a fucking haze, a shredding debilitating haze. I do remember being handed that flag, though. That fucking stupid flag and having my husband’s superiors give me their condolences. These men who sent my husband into battle, only to have it ultimately destroy him. Garrett was into something deep, something I wasn’t ever allowed to know about, he was a Navy SEAL.
I know this all is a lot to take in and if you don’t email me back, I would understand. Because Raiden, just writing this has helped me in ways you could never understand. I know it isn’t easy to be safe over there, but promise me you’ll try. You have given me so much in just a few emails that I could honestly never repay you. Thank you, Raiden. Thank you for giving me the strength to get this out. Thank you.
Stay safe,
-Elli
I drop my face in my hands and exhale what feels like knives. God, Elli. How could this woman have gone through that and not died from the anguish?
I look down at the instant message box in the corner of my email screen, thinking. I open it and click on Norwegianbeauty, my heart starting to race and my palms getting sweaty.
usmcraider1: Elli?
Radio silence.
It was a long shot but I needed to try to communicate better with her, be able to reach out in something more personal than an email. Especially after handing me all her sorrow on a silver platter and then giving me a way out.
Before, even a couple of hours ago, I might have taken it. Keep her safe from feeling like this ever again. After that confession, after showing me all her broken pieces I can’t leave her alone. I just can’t. Something took over me as I read her words, her hurt becoming my own.
I don’t even know what she looks like, but I know I need to try to shield her from this pain, take it on, and give her relief. I don’t even know where she lives, what time it is where she is.
norwegianbeauty: Raiden?
My inhale is sharp, almost more of a gasp. I let Elli fill me up. I need this, I need to connect with her.
usmcraider1: What time is it there? Wherever you are.
Please God let it be a decent time where she is, I have to talk to her.
norwegianbeauty: It’s 9 am here, and I live in California by the way. (:
Why?
She lives in my home state…I take a beat, rubbing my hands on my sweats and type out the first thing that comes to mind.
usmcraider1: Give me your phone number.
norwegianbeauty: What? why??
Please, just do it. I know too much about you now, I can’t just know you from a computer screen.
usmcraider1: Please Elli, just do it.
Please Elli…. I hang my head hopeful she’ll do it, but then again, she doesn’t even know me. What if she doesn’t want some jarhead in the desert calling her?
norwegianbeauty: (909)-455-7960…
Yes! I snatch the global phone off the desk, my pulse pounding like a jackhammer in my ears. I dial, but before I punch in the last number I stop. What am I doing? What is going on with me that I feel like I need to soothe this poor woman.
What I thought this morning still stands, what if we get attached? With me she is stuck with no certainty, she has gone through way too much for me to mess up the life she could have, the promise of no more pain. I stare at the phone in my hands, I bore my gaze into it, needing a sign that this is what I’m supposed to do.
Ding.
norwegianbeauty: Raid? You there?
Fuck me. She called me Raid, no one calls me Raid.
My dick stirs in my sweats and I realize this is what I have to do. Future be damned I need to hear her voice; I need to know her.
Jesus, I don’t know what I need, I just know I need this. I dial. And I wait.