EIGHTEEN
By the time Jess reached the nursery, she’d managed to compose herself somewhat. She changed Gracie and grabbed the diaper bag, then took the hidden stairs down to her room. Their room. Part of her felt better for having laid everything on the table, and part of her regretted losing her temper. But she'd meant what she said—she'd do whatever he asked of her, except when it came to the treatment of the children. The kids had thankfully been too young to truly notice the way Jarred had doted on Isabelle and ignored Ash and Maddy, but they'd notice it now, because all of them had hero worship when it came to Kayne. He'd set a precedence, and they'd expect him to continue interacting with them all the same.
When they reached the garage, Kayne was standing at the door, staring at the security monitor. A frown wrinkled his brow.
Damn it! She needed to give him access to the house. Jess ducked in front of him to access the master file. She found his profile and changed his status so that he appeared as a green “family” dot instead of red “stranger” dot, and then gave him full rights to the house with a code, so he could come and go at will.
“Pick a six digit code.” She refused to look at him.
Kayne stepped up behind her, reached over her shoulder, and typed in a number. He pressed “OK,” then did it again when prompted.
Jess was fighting to stand still and not fidget. He was so close she could feel his body heat seeping into her. Could smell his aftershave, a scent so subtle it reminded her of the forest after a hard rain, when everything was fresh and new. One way or the other, he was going to break her heart before this was over. Hell, he was already doing it.
She had to clear her throat before she could speak. “You'll remember it?”
“How could I forget? It's somebody's birthday.” He looked down at Gracie.
“You know her real birthday,” Jess whispered. Why hadn't that occurred to her? Of course he knew her real birthday, and God, she was going to cry in front of him. She looked away, blinking furiously.
“How did they handle that?” Kayne’s brows furrowed in confusion.
“I made an educated guess.”
He cocked his head curiously. “What did you guess?”
“I picked October fifteenth.” Jess shrugged.
He nodded slowly. “Interesting choice.”
“Are you going to tell me what it is?” she asked when he didn't say any more.
“But then you'd know my pass code,” he said teasingly.
In no mood for his humor, Jess held on to her composure, barely. Of course he had no idea how hard she'd deliberated over what birthday to use. It had taken her weeks to settle on the fifteenth. Jess merely nodded. “Come on, girls. We need to hurry if we want time to look around at the toys.”
“I'd like to go along.” Kayne opened the door to the garage and held it for her.
No, no, no, no! She frantically thought of a way to discourage him. “We're just going to Wal-Mart for a little girl’s birthday gift.”
“I'd still like to come, if that's okay?” He reached down and took Gracie’s hand.
Jess nodded again. She would have preferred some time away from him, but couldn't very well say so. Of course he wanted to be with Gracie, and Gracie wanted to be where the action was.
Kayne settled himself behind the wheel. “Two minutes.”
Jess furrowed her brow in confusion. “Excuse me?”
Kayne shook his head. “Elven-fifty-eight pm, October fourteenth. I can't believe how close you were.”
Her heart twisted, thinking about that date. “I didn't listen.”
“What did you say?” He glanced her way then back to the road.
“You have no idea how many times I nearly used that day, felt compelled to, but I just couldn't.”
“Why?”
Jess glanced back at the girls to confirm both had the headsets on and were watching a movie on the DVD player. “For over a year, Jarred and I tried to get pregnant, and finally it happened. He was so excited—we both were. We'd all but given up. In fact, I hadn't even realized I was pregnant until I was nearly eight weeks along.”
She took a deep breath and slowly let it out before continuing quietly. “Everything was going great, according to my doctor. I went in for my twenty-eight week visit, and they did the ultrasound again. This time she was cooperative, and I found out it was a little girl. I already had a name picked out. I wanted to start decorating a nursery, but Jarred kept putting it off, so one weekend while he was away, I went and bought the stuff to start painting. I was up on the ladder cutting in the edges with a paint brush and fell. I thought I was okay. I thought I'd managed to defy the odds, but two days later I gave birth.” She paused. “She was stillborn.”
Jarred had been nowhere to be found. He'd been “rock climbing” with buddies. Jess had later learned he'd been with his current girlfriend. “Her birthday was October fourteenth,” she added quietly.
***
Kayne wanted so badly to reach over and take Jessica’s hand, but now he didn't know how to act around her. He’d known there had to have been a reason she and Jarred had adopted, but he hadn’t known what.
“What was her name?”
“Amy Sarah. It means ‘Beloved Princess,’” Jessica whispered.
Kayne glanced over in time to see a single tear break free and trail down her cheek when she closed her eyes. Fuck, that tore him up. He'd accused her of having no idea what it felt like to lose a child, how wrong he had been.
Kayne searched for something to say. The best he could come up with was, “Oksana had no interest in picking names for the kids. I didn't do a very good job—they have little meaning.”
“A name means nothing to a child. All they care about is being loved and wanted.”
Something Kayne now knew to be a very important thing to Jessica. Being wanted. Cherished.
“Am I supposed to call her Tasha now?” Jessica leaned her head against the glass, staring out her window.
“Why did you pick the name Grace?”
“Jarred had burns over most of his back and legs. His spinal cord had nearly been severed by shrapnel from the car exploding. It had even nicked his heart in several places. But he'd stuffed her in the front of his turnout jacket and curled up around her, putting her between his body and the mountainside. She didn't have a scratch on her.”
“There but for the Grace of God go I.” He managed to squeeze the words past the lump currently lodged in his throat. Jarred had literally sacrificed himself.
“Yes,” Jess whispered.
“We’ll leave it as Grace. I wouldn’t take that from her, Jessica—Jess—or you. Besides, it's the only person she knows herself to be.”
“Thank you.” This time she actually met his gaze. And there was the kind, gentle countenance that he'd first seen in her eyes shining back at him. His chest constricted, and he had to look away. He couldn't risk allowing himself to get attached.
“What time do the kids get out of school?” Kayne needed to step away from the emotional minefield they were traipsing through. Everything was too raw today. For both of them.
Jess looked at her cell phone. “We have an hour and twenty minutes before I have to pick them up.”
“Then we should get to shopping. There are lots of toys to look through.” Kayne scooped Isabelle up and spun her around once, making her squeal with delight, before plopping her into the cart.
“Me now, me now!” Gracie bounced in Jess’s arms.
Kayne took her from Jess and tossed her in the air before securing her in the seat. God, he finally had his daughter back; a daughter who now came with a mom and three siblings who meant everything to her.
His father's words came back to him. Son, you can do this. God has given you a precious gift, and from everything you've said, this woman is special. You once had a dream, of a loving wife to stand beside you and give you a houseful of children. Don't let the past rob you of that dream. Kayne wasn't sure if his Pop had been speaking as a father or like the pastor he was. Either way, Kayne wasn't ready to agree. From where he stood, it felt more like the beginning of a nightmare.
***
Kayne turned out to be as much of a kid as Gracie and Isabelle. They had to test drive and play with everything they could get their hands on. All three of them. Jess felt reassured seeing him interact with both girls and not just focusing on Gracie.
“Can you guys behave yourselves while I walk over to the kids clothing section?” Why she was even bothering to ask was beyond her. She'd been fighting hard not to laugh at Kayne for the last five minutes. He was sitting on a toddler size tricycle and pushing it around with his feet—something Jarred would never have been caught doing, especially in public—looking like the Grape Ape.
Kayne towered over her by more than a foot, and while she was pretty sure there wasn't an ounce of fat on him, he was large in stature, wide in the shoulders, narrow in the hips. He was wearing an Arizona Law Enforcement Association T-shirt that stretched across his muscled chest and biceps, then loosened over what she was sure had to be an incredible set of abs. That shirt disappeared into a well-worn pair of jeans which hugged his body in all the right places, and left little to the imagination, she was embarrassed to note. How he'd managed to fold himself up enough to even sit on the trike was beyond her.
“Yes, we can behave.” Kayne looked up, a gleam of mischief in his eyes.
“I meant behave well.” Jess gave a dramatic sigh.
***
“Maybe we should go with you.” Kayne de-pretzeled himself and put the trike back on the shelf before helping the girls put theirs away also.
They had already picked out two gifts for the birthday girl, and Kayne feared that her true reason for wanting to leave the toy section was because he'd embarrassed her. He knew he’d managed to do so with Oksana more times than he could count. She hated that he’d horsed around with the kids in public. To her it was undignified. To him it was simple fun; a way to interact and entertain his children.
Kayne leaned over Jess’s shoulder to watch her pick through a rack of little girls’ clothes. “So what are we doing over here?” While her kids’ clothes weren't high end, Gap, OshKosh, and Old Navy, they weren’t brands Wal-Mart carried either.
She glanced over her shoulder. “I'm getting a couple outfits for Casey.”
Kayne couldn’t resist leaning in a little closer and inhaling—almonds, vanilla, and something uniquely her. “Who’s that?”
Jess took a step away. “The little girl who's having the birthday party tomorrow. She's one of the children from Darcy's Kids.”
“Should we do something different than toys?” He gestured toward the tea set and the princess dress-up box in the cart.
“Nope, one of those will be from Isabelle, and the other and whatever else I pick out here, will go into bags for other names to be put on the card. A lot of the kids coming can't afford gifts, and we make it very clear that they are not expected. We don't want anyone to not show up because they couldn't afford to bring a gift.”
Kayne picked up Gracie’s stuffed lion. It had become a game. She’d accidentally drop it, and he’d retrieve it. “How many kids go to this place?”
“She can only take fifty kids at a time, from age two to fifteen. It's free care. The older kids are usually on probation and doing community service with supervision. They have chores like helping the younger ones with their homework and helping keep the place clean and functioning. There's always a waiting list.”
“So she just decided one day to do this?” He couldn’t keep the skepticism out of his voice.
Jess paused, and her face scrunched up in thought. “Sort of. Darcy was driving home one night and found this little girl, maybe three-years-old, wandering down the street. Through that incident, she realized a dire need existed in the community, and it snowballed from there.”
Kayne held out his hands for the clothes she had draped over her arm. “Why don't you let 'Sabella and Gracie go with you when you are over there?”
She handed over the clothes. “Most of the stuff I do is behind the scenes, while the kids are still in school. I stop by with them from time to time, which is how they know Casey, but if they’re there, that means there are two children who can't be—who need to be—to stay in compliance. The state is very strict with that fifty child limit.”
***
Kayne watched as Jess picked out several sturdy, practical outfits and one frilly little girl's outfit, complete with ruffled socks. He looked at his watch. “Short stuff, you've got about fifteen minutes.”
“I'm sorry, did you want to look at something?”
He shook his head. “Nope, just wanted to come along. I figured after we picked up the kids, we could stop by and I'd get the truck.” He'd left his truck at the courthouse this morning. He’d parked within sight of the media mob, but Jess had had the foresight to park around by a seldom used side exit, so they’d sneaked out while Judge Johnson kept the media occupied.
“Kayne, why didn't you say so? I would have dropped you off first, and you wouldn't have had to waste your time being dragged all over Wal-Mart.”
Kayne bent and picked up the lion again, he gave Gracie a mock scowl as he handed it back. She laughed. “I wanted to be here picking out tea sets and princess dresses.”
She cocked an eyebrow, clearly not believing him, but she let it go. Oh, how wrong she was. He'd thoroughly enjoyed himself.
“Do you want to go pick out something for dinner while I get gift bags?”
“Nope, I'm taking us out to dinner. Someone once told me your favorite food is anything you didn't have to cook.” It had been the night they went to the hockey game. Kayne gave a heavy sigh when Jess merely stared at him. “Look, regardless of the circumstances, we got married today and neither of us lost.” Kayne looked pointedly at Gracie. “That’s something to celebrate, don't you think?”
Jess nodded then began digging around in her purse. “I'll call Polly and see if she can babysit.”
Kayne reached out and gently stopped her hand. “I meant all of us, Jess.”
“Sorry. Of course.” She ducked her head, but not before he saw her blush. Kayne bit back a sigh. He hadn’t meant to embarrass her. He just wanted to make this as easy as possible on all of them.
***
“Dinner was great, thank you.” Jess led the way down the hidden staircase from the nursery to the hallway just outside the master bedroom later that night. They'd gone to one of the kids’ favorite restaurants, and the evening had felt comfortable. Like the night they’d gone to the hockey game. That seemed like lifetime ago.
Kayne caught her arm, pulling her to a stop. “It was very nice, especially since you ate something for once.”
She didn't like that he noticed what she did or didn’t eat. She was already self-conscious about her weight and eating habits.
He released her arm and took a step back. “Anyway, I guess I should go get unpacked. I have to work at oh-dark-hundred.”
“I already unpacked everything. Let me show you.” Jess motioned him toward the his-and-hers closets off the master bath, happy to focus on anything but the bed that awaited them in the next room. “I moved all of the boxes out, so it's all yours. Your uniforms got wrinkled, but there's a steamer in the laundry room. I can iron them for you or show you how to use it, whichever you prefer.” If he didn't want her doing his laundry she doubted he'd want her doing his ironing, but she at least could offer.
Kayne frowned, looking around the closet then back to her. “I don't understand.”
“I put anything that didn't belong on a hanger in a drawer, but if you want them someplace else, just let me know, so I know where to put clean clothes in the future.”
“Why are they in here?” Kayne furrowed his brow.
Jess shrugged. “Where else would they be?” Now Jess was confused.
“I thought I was taking one of the other bedrooms.”
Jess crossed her arms defensively. “I told you to decide where you wanted to be, and the next thing I knew people were bringing boxes in here.” Jess felt her cheeks heat with embarrassment.
“You want me to sleep here?”
Want wasn't the word she'd use. Physically, she was attracted to him. She couldn't imagine there was a woman out there who wouldn't love the chance to sleep with him, but she knew it wouldn't be enough for her to desire him. She'd never been enough for Jarred, and Kayne was so much more...well, everything. She didn't want to see the look of disappointment in his eyes when he realized she lacked, but she'd made a promise, and she'd figure out how to live with the consequences.
Jess squared her shoulders and forced herself to meet his gaze. “I meant what I said, Kayne, and I won't go back on that promise. I'll do whatever you ask of me.”
***
She had to be kidding, right? Kayne stepped forward, backing Jessica against the wall. He braced his hands on either side of her, leaned in close, and whispered in her ear. “You want me to fuck you baby, is that it?” He drawled the words out seductively. He knew he was going out of his way to be an asshole. Hell, he halfway expected a slap in the face, in fact, would have preferred it over the look that crossed her face.
Jess gasped, then swallowed hard, and though she tried to mask it, he could see the fear blazing in her eyes. But with it was something else he couldn't quite name. Determination maybe.
He scoffed in disbelief. “You're actually thinking about whether or not you can do it, aren't you?” Damn, that pissed him off! Kayne shoved away from the wall. “I don't want a goddamned martyr in my bed, Jessica. My hand works fine, and at least it's a willing participant!”
He stormed off without a backwards glance before he said or did something else he couldn't take back. Goddamn it!