NINETEEN
Kayne groaned as he fumbled shutting off the alarm on his phone. He'd been awake most of the night. But instead of being bombarded by nightmares of the past, it had been thoughts of the here and now keeping him awake.
He was pretty sure someone had hurt Jess, he just didn't know if it had been limited to emotional or extended into physical as well. She’d told him once that Jarred had been her one and only, and the idea that any man, especially the one who'd vowed to protect and cherish her, might have abused her made Kayne see red.
Somehow, he was going to have to uncover what Jarred had done to hurt her and work his way past it. Knowing that she was willing to give herself to him out of fear of losing Gracie ate at what little soul he had left. He needed her to want him as much emotionally as he wanted her physically if they were to have any type of future. He wasn't about to let love play a role in this relationship, at least for his part. But women were different. Jess was different. She would need to be in love to be happy. As for him, he wasn't sure what he needed. Perhaps trust was the simplest answer. He needed to be able to trust Jess.
After last night though, how could he trust her to tell him how she truly felt? The thought of emotionally raping her made him physically ill. And in his mind, that was exactly what it would be if she felt her only way to keep Gracie was to give him her body under duress. They might have an eighteenth century marriage, but he sure as hell didn’t own her.
Kayne stretched, feeling his muscles protest. He was pretty sure the fact that he'd slept on an all-too-small couch in the family room hadn't helped his quality of sleep, but by the time he'd cooled off he was too tired to hunt down an empty bedroom.
Kayne reluctantly dragged himself off the couch. He needed to take a shower and get ready for work. Belatedly, he realized all his personal belongings were in Jess's room. He was going to have to go in there to get ready for work. While he hated invading her privacy, circumstances were forcing the situation. At least he could access the bathroom and closet through the sitting room, therefore bypassing the bedroom itself.
Kayne closed the bathroom door before flipping on the light, and froze in his tracks. Off to the right, hanging on a hook, was a crisply ironed uniform, his badge pinned in place. A large basket sat by his boots—which had been polished to a perfect shine—that held all his toiletries and some white fluffy towels. A sheet of yellow paper was folded and resting on top. He glanced back up at the uniform to realize his badge had been cleaned too. He reluctantly picked up the paper, knowing whatever it contained was going to piss him off.
Kayne,
I'm so sorry, for everything.
Your portable radio is on top of the safe in the panic room, I plugged it in for you. I reset the code to the safe—you know what it is—so you don't have to leave your duty belt and firearm in the trunk of your patrol car.
Your lunch is in a cooler in the refrigerator.
Be safe,
Jess.
He'd never had anyone iron a uniform for him, much less polish his boots or shine his badge. And she'd gathered up all the things she thought he'd need to get ready for work: his razor, shaving gel, soap, shampoo, towels. She'd even made him lunch. While a part of him knew he should be happy, the reality was he hated it. He didn’t want her to be some mousy Stepford wife.
Kayne had always taken care of himself, even when he was a small child. Especially when he was a small child, because Nina had been a horrid mother. It had gotten better when he went to live with the Dobrescus. Once he was married, he'd taken on the responsibility of caring for Oksana, because she'd been raised in a world that had sheltered her and, truthfully, she had no life skills. She'd never needed them because there was always a servant there to take care of her needs back home. He’d always been the caregiver, not the one taken care of.
Once Nikolai was born, Kayne had quickly discovered motherhood did not come naturally to Oksana. She needed constant prompting to care for him. But Jess was nothing like Oksana. Sure she'd had a few bad days, but look at the wheel of insanity the fates had staked them on.
He should have talked to her last night instead of storming off. He'd been an absolute ass, and on their wedding night, no less. Even though he'd had no intention of consummating it—at least not last night—he should have stayed with her, held her, let her get used to him being with her. Instead, he'd let his emotions control him, and he'd walked away.
Once Kayne was dressed for work and had peeked in on Maddy and Ash, who were both sleeping soundly, he headed for the nursery. He prayed he wouldn't wake Gracie, but he needed to see her before he left.
The nursery was dark, but he didn't dare turn on a light. He paused and brushed a kiss across Isabelle's forehead, tucked her bear in beside her, and pulled the covers back into place before moving on to Grace.
Kayne didn't realize until he was hovering over the bed that Jessica was laying there with Gracie curled up in her arms. She stirred slightly then suddenly gasped and pressed back against the wall.
“Hey, hey, baby, it's me.” His voice was a mere whisper. He dropped to a nonthreatening crouch. “Shh, it's okay.” He reached out and laid his hand on her shoulder. “It's just me.”
Propped up on one elbow, she brushed the hair out of her sleepy face. “Is something wrong? Did something happen?” Her voice was husky. Sexy.
“Everything's fine.” Kayne kept his voice low too. It was barely five-thirty in the morning, and he didn't want Jess having to get up with the kids this early. “I'm so sorry I scared you. I didn't realize you were in here. I just stopped to kiss Gracie before I left.”
“I just needed to hold her.” Jess looked down at the sleeping toddler. She reached out and brushed a fat curl off Gracie's face.
Kayne hesitantly sat down on the edge of the bed and reached out to lay his hand on Gracie's chest, over her heart. When Jess laid her hand on top of his, he closed his eyes, trying to push away the myriad of feelings, all of them at odds with each other.
When it came to Jess, he wanted to be angry that she'd tried to keep him away from Gracie. At the same time, he wanted to take care of her, because he was pretty damned sure no one ever had. He wanted to protect her from her ghosts, but, above all else, he wanted her—in his bed, under him, surrounding him, wanting him.
“I don't know how to do this,” Jess whispered. “I don't know what you expect of me.”
What did he want? Hell if he knew.
“I'm not good at expressing feelings. Guys aren't hardwired to be all emotionally touchy-feely, and sometimes we handle situations badly. We're much more physically expressive by nature.” Was he really going to let that be his apology? Some bullshit I'm-a-man-so-I-don't-have-to-talk-about-it excuse?
Before he could figure it out, Jess scoffed. “Tell me about it. Jarred went through an early midlife crisis after the doctor told us I couldn't give him any more children.” She looked guiltily at him, then away. “Anyway, it’s how we ended up with the sports car in the garage and Isabelle.”
“'Sabella was a midlife crisis?” Kayne asked. How could a child be a midlife crisis? They'd adopted for christsake. It wasn’t like going to the pound and picking out a puppy. There was a long drawn-out process.
“Contrary to what everyone would have you believe—probably myself included—Jarred was far from perfect.”
Kayne couldn't help but cock a skeptical eyebrow. From what he’d heard, Jarred had been a saint. Yet he knew it wasn't the truth; her reaction last night had proved that.
“Nobody knows I'm aware, but Jarred cheated on me. More than once.”
There it was—he'd been right. The selfish bastard. Now the question was, had the abuse been limited to emotional or extended to physical?
***
Somehow whispering in the dark had lulled Jess into a false sense of security and before she even realized she'd decided to confide in Kayne, the words were flowing from her. “I didn't know about the affair until long after the fact. Her name was Megan. When she found out she was pregnant, she planned to have an abortion, but Jarred talked her out of it. Offered her money to pay her “expenses”. In short, he'd bought his child and her silence.
“Megan moved to Phoenix before she started showing and had Isabelle in some hotel room with Jarred and Cody's help, so there would be no record of Isabelle’s birth. She used the state's Safe Haven law to “abandon” the baby at the fire station on a night when Jarred and Cody were working.”
Jess smiled sadly. “The first time I saw her, she was in Jarred’s arms, and I just knew he was never going to let her go. Sure enough, he all but begged CPS to let us keep her since we were certified. She was so beautiful and tiny, only a couple days old, and I fell instantly in love with her.”
Kayne brushed a curl off Jess’s face, tucking it behind her ear. “How did you find out?”
“Other than that she looked like Jarred?” Jess had been so naïve. No matter how many times she'd heard people claim Isabelle looked like Jarred, the possibility of what he'd done had never crossed her mind until the day she'd accidentally overheard Jarred and Cody talking about it.
“Megan wanted to see Isabelle. I heard Jarred tell Cody she was blackmailing him. She wanted time with him and Isabelle or she’d tell me everything. Megan hadn’t been his first, and she planned on letting me know it.” Megan hadn't been the last either.
“I sent her a text from Jarred's phone, pretending to be him, and she happily agreed to meet me. I figured she’d back off once she couldn’t use Jarred’s secrets against him, but what she really wanted was Jarred and her baby back.”
Jess brushed the bangs out of her face. “I told her that if she didn't walk away, I’d make sure God and everybody knew what she'd done. I reminded her that her congressman father’s very conservative constituents wouldn't look favorably on a home wrecker who'd been enticed to sell her baby instead of aborting it like she’d originally planned. In the end, Megan quietly walked away.”
***
Kayne leaned back, reeling from what he’d just heard. What a dick! Not only was it immoral, it was flat out illegal. It momentarily made Kayne wonder if Jarred had known Gracie’s true identity. If so, the truth had died with him. Kayne mentally shook his head. He needed to focus on the here and now and what Jessica was telling him. “Did you confront him?”
Jess quickly looked away. “No.”
Kayne shot to his feet. “Why the hell not?” Jesus! Admittedly, he didn't know Jess well, but he'd never imagined this side of her. The mousy side royally pissed him off. Albeit it was on her behalf, but still—he was pissed.
Jess threw off the covers, flipped them back over Gracie, and stormed into the hidden stairway. Kayne was right behind her when they reached the first floor. “Why in God’s name would you let him treat you that way?” Kayne demanded.
Jess threw her hands in the air, the action stretching her all too thin tank-top across her braless breasts. “God, are you really going to make me spell it out for you?”
Kayne guiltily ripped his gaze away from those beautiful full breasts. “I guess you're going to have to, because I don't understand.”
“Of course you don't. How could you?” She crossed her arms, covering her nipples. “You've never had to sleep with me. So I'll spare us both the disappointment. I wasn't enough for Jarred, and I sure as hell won't be enough for someone like you. So please, just be discreet, I'd rather not have your girlfriends flaunted in my face or the children to find out.”
***
Jess turned on her heel, fully intending to bolt. Could she be any more pathetic?
She hadn't taken half a step before steel bands of muscle lifted her off the ground and pulled her back into a warm wall of granite. “You do not get to drop a bomb like that and walk away,” he said softly.
Jess struggled to free herself, but he was an immovable object. “Please, let me go,” she pleaded. She couldn't face him. Not after what she'd just said.
“Not until you listen to me.” He sat her feet on the ground, but continued to hold her tight. “I'm so sorry he hurt you, but I'm not him. For as long as we are married—be that the next ninety days or sixty-years—I will be faithful to you and only you.”
Jess nodded, hoping he'd just let her go. She knew he really didn't mean it, but she wasn't going to fight about it.
Kayne’s heavy sigh fluttered across her neck. Her nipples tightened in response. “I can tell you don't believe me.” It was as if he’d read her mind. “That's okay. For now. But you will learn to trust me, Jessica. Just like you'll learn that you could never be a disappointment.” He pulled her closer, his hot breath on her neck. “I've held you,” he said. “Tasted your sweet lips. I've seen the desire burning in your eyes, felt the flames lick my skin.” Kayne splayed his palm low over Jess's belly, pulled her tight, and she shivered when she felt his arousal against the upper swell of her butt. She wasn't sure what the emotion was, but she knew it wasn't fear, not of him.
“Did he force you, Jess?” He gentled his hold.
“No, he...I...” How could she tell him sex was uncomfortable for her? Her first time had been on her wedding night, and she'd expected there to be some pain, but it had been more than a little, and she'd been in tears by the time he was done. After that, while not painful, it had never been anything like what she'd read about in books. She'd never orgasmed during intercourse, and Jarred wasn't much for foreplay. At first she hadn't cared about more than pleasing him, she'd just wanted the closeness she felt by giving herself to him. But it hadn't taken long before he started complaining about her lack of response, then her lack of interest. Finally, his interest disappeared too. Except for those moments in the darkest hours of night when he'd reach for her in his sleep.
She'd been naive enough to believe it was his subconscious professing his true feelings for her, but the truth was, he was reaching for someone else, someone in his dreams, and she was only a warm body to live out the fantasy with. And when he was done, he'd get angry and blame her for seducing him, before storming off to God knew where, sometimes for days at a time.
Kayne buried his nose in her hair. Inhaled deep. “Even if he was your husband, it didn't take away your right to say no. It doesn't take away your right now, either.”
Jess shook her head. “He didn't force me.” He hadn't needed to; she'd never said no to him. Not once. She’d always submitted, and he’d always been gentle with her, at least in bed.
“You don't have to tell me. Whatever it is can be your secret, but know this: When I take you to bed, it will be different from whatever it was or wasn't with him. I'll go slow, because I want to learn all your sensitive spots. Like here.” He brushed his lips behind her ear.
Jess shuddered, feeling her nipples pucker painfully tight in response.
***
Kayne turned her to face him. He knew he needed to be careful with her, needed to go slow so he didn't scare her away. “Or here,” he said huskily. He grazed his teeth across the pulse point at the base of her neck.
He knew he was playing with fire. Knew he wouldn't be able to finish what he was starting. At least not the way he wanted to. He worked his way up her neck and across her jaw, placing gentle kisses along the way. All the while, he slowly traced his hands up her ribcage, lazily drawing circles with his thumbs until he brushed the underside of her breasts and elicited a soft gasp from her.
“Okay?” he whispered. He pulled back slightly to see her response.
“Yes.” Her voice was breathless, her eyes glazed with want.
Her tank top was old and worn, leaving little to the imagination. Her breasts were spectacular—round plump mounds with the nipples tilted up just slightly. Perfect. He brushed the tips with the pads of his thumbs, and she gasped.
“So responsive,” he whispered against her ear. “I need you to promise me one thing, Jessica.”
“Wh-what?” Her chest rose and fell quickly, her words little more than a breath.
He nuzzled her neck, traced the whorl of her ear with his tongue. “I need you to know that I will never hurt you, that I will never force you. Ever. In return, I need you to promise that you'll be honest.”
“Oh-okay.” Her fingers dug into his biceps as she clung to him.
“I want to put my mouth on you.” Kayne flicked her turgid nipples with his thumbs, and Jess whimpered. “Okay?”
“Yes.” She moaned, so he did it again.
He bent low and closed his mouth over her right nipple, taking an easy drag though the thin material. Jess trembled in his arms. “So sensitive.”
The thin material was too much, though, and he'd gathered up the hem and removed it before his lust-filled mind could stop him. He eyed her breasts appreciatively. “Beautiful.” God wasn’t that an understatement. He’d never seen such natural beauty in his life.
High tight breasts, creamy white skin with mouthwatering, pale raspberry nipples and aureoles so light they were barely there. This time when he suckled a perfect little tit into his mouth, she moaned, laced her fingers through his hair, and arched into him, even as she pulled him against her. That's it, baby. Trust me.
He alternated back and forth from nipple to nipple, while his hands roamed her body. “I want to touch you. Just touch, nothing more.”
She didn't pull away as his fingers tugged on the drawstring, freeing her pants at the waist. Slowly he slid his hand lower, palming her belly as his fingers trailed down, giving her plenty of time to pull away, to stop him. Kayne couldn’t suppress the groan when he discovered she was naked under those pants. The tips of his fingers slid through her soft curls and continued down to caress her slick folds.
“Open for me, baby.” He nibbled her ear as he nudged her legs further apart with his knee. “You're so hot. Is that sweet honey for me?”
***
Jess could do little more than nod. She was on fire. Every nerve ending in her body felt raw, and that terrified her. This felt so much like those things she'd only ever read about. But none of those heroines had ever found themselves in a situation like this, she was sure. And then she stopped thinking as one long finger stroked down her slit. She couldn't stop Kayne’s name from falling from her lips.
“That's it, baby.” He circled the entrance to her core with a thick masculine finger.
Tiny tremors skittered through her body, awaking a deep ache within. Even touching herself had never felt like this. To her shock, her hips thrust forward, her body trying to take Kayne's tantalizing digit inside.
“Shh...not yet, baby. Easy.” He stroked, never touching her clit directly, teasing lazy circles around it, poising for penetration only to retreat again and again. He suckled her breasts, first one, then the other. Using his free hand, he teased her nipples, gently pinching and rolling each in turn, keeping her keen.
Then he was on his knees, and before she realized what he was doing, Kayne leaned in and scented her. “God, you smell incredible,” he mumbled.
Jess was about to protest—Jarred had only ever gone down on her once, and he'd obviously not enjoyed it since he'd never done it again. But before she could form a coherent thought, Kayne had parted her nether-lips and swept his tongue across her most sensitive flesh, once, twice, and then again before gently suckling. The thick masculine finger that had promised more sank deep, then dragged deliciously through her wetness only to be joined by a second, pressing in, stretching her even as her muscles clamped down hard, and she shattered without warning.
White light blinded her vision. Her whole body contracted around its epicenter as a tidal wave rolled over her, pulling her under deep and hard, then throwing her back to the surface, gasping and clinging, violently shuddering. He drew out and plunged in again, relentless in his assault on her body and her senses. She could do little more than hold on as he used his lips and fingers and tongue to bring her to orgasm a second time. His name ripped from her lips.
***
Kayne scooped Jess up, holding her close. He had yet to put on his Kevlar vest, so he was able to truly appreciate the feel of her body against his. But it served as a reminder that now wasn't the right time, and that he was seriously late for work. He continued down the hall, into the bedroom, and settled her on the bed, then sat beside her. He braced one hand on her other side so he could lean in close. “Baby, thank you.” He kissed her deeply, letting her sate herself on his lips. “I’ll see you tonight.”
Jess's eyes flew open. “But you didn't...” She abruptly stopped and looked away. Swallowed hard.
Ah, Fuck! Way to go, moron!
“I want you, Jess. So damned bad.” He took her hand and placed it on his aching cock. He was so primed that when she reflexively wrapped her slender fingers around him, he nearly came. “Don't doubt that for even a second. I want you. But not yet. I wanted to show you the fire I see within you. You are a beautiful, responsive woman, and I'm sorry I can't finish this. You have no idea how sorry. But when you're ready to let me take you to bed, I'm going to need hours and hours, not minutes, with you.”
Kayne stood up, slowly backing away, all too aware of the way her gaze fastened on his tented uniform pants. He couldn’t help but grin when the thought popped into his mind: The tan uniform made everything look bigger.
“Thank you.” She swallowed hard, again. “Be safe…Gracie just found you...she deserves more than stories of you.”
Jesus, he didn't deserve her!
Kayne stepped back toward the bed and bending low, braced his hands on either side of her. He kissed her once, twice, and again. The pressure was gentle with no demands, only an attempt to convey what he couldn't put into words, what he, himself, didn't even understand yet. And when she returned that last kiss, the power of it shot straight through him, in equal parts, to his groin and his heart.
Damn! If he wasn't careful, he'd end up in serious trouble.