I shouldn’t be here. Fuck what I should and shouldn’t do, though.

Sometimes I make bad choices around certain people. Sometimes I make good choices around those same people. And sometimes, worse of all, I don’t know if my choices are good or bad, or even mine.

I haven’t been to Alec’s house to see the baby since I’ve been gone, even though I planned on it. I’m her Godfather, so I should be around more. And I will be, now that I’m able.

Cindy appears at the doorway of the house with her little girl on her hip. She looks a little haggard and run down.

Inside, I can hear the TV on too loud. Through the window I can see Alec sitting on the couch in the living room. The scent of dinner cooking follows Cindy out of the house.

“Smells amazing, Cin,” I say, kissing her on the cheek. The little girl claps and puts her chubby little hands out to me.

“Uncle Travis!” Her eyes light up as Cindy rocks her off her hip and holds the child out to me. I hook my hands under her arms and take her, holding her at arm’s distance.

“Are you helping your mom cook dinner, or are you just sampling everything?” I tease. She has what looks like grape jelly on on her mouth, making her look so childlike and innocent. I want her to stay like that. My heart clenches up as I pull her in and give her a kiss on the cheek, giving her my hand as she wraps her fingers around my index finger.

“Come in, please,” Cindy says, holding the door open behind her. I cross into the house and realize that it’s started to fall into disrepair, like mine has. I have a good reason for not being able to keep my place in good condition; I wonder what Alec’s excuse is.

I look up at the ceiling near the staircase and see a split in the plaster. It’s been patched with electrical tape and painted over with a sloppy coat of white veneer.

“You need me to do some quick fixes around here?” I ask, looking back to her. I don’t make it obvious that there’s something wrong with their home; I don’t want to insult her, and the place is tiny and neat, so I can tell she’s trying.

Alec comes over to us, a cold bottle of beer in his hand. He claps a hand onto my back and shakes his head.

“I’m on it,” he says. “I just haven’t been able to get the supplies I need. Have to get the truck out of the shop first so I can do my haul.”

The house is old, just like most of the others in this neighborhood. It’s one neighborhood over from where Daisy and I live, and it’s a little bit tougher over here. There’s fewer dads in the homes and more moms who are doing their best to keep everything together. Alec and Cindy are from here, and neither of them had the luck of having both parents around for them.

“You still at the garage?” I ask Alec.

The little girl wiggles her fingers at me and I take them softly, pretending to bite at them. She giggles and swats my hands away.

Alec squares his shoulders toward his daughter and takes a sip of his beer. His gaze is distracted. I’ve seen him drunk, and he isn’t right now. But there’s something going on behind his eyes.

“Let me get back to working on dinner,” Cindy says as I give her her little girl. She puts the little girl on the ground and she waddles into the living room where she has a few coloring books and crayons set up on the coffee table. Cindy shoots Alec a raised eyebrow as he pushes a hand through his hair and scrubs the side of his face with an open palm.

Together, Alec and I move into the living room. He pulls a cold beer from the coffee table and cracks it open with the bottle opener he’s had on his keyring since high school.

“I say something wrong?” I ask, taking a long swig.

“I’m between jobs right now,” he sighs as we take a seat on the couch together. The air outside is brisk, the fall air enveloping the house. There’s fog starting on the corners of the windows as the warmth inside the home competes with the cold air outside.

“Anything I can do to help?” I ask. “Maybe we can go visit the garage together next week. Power in numbers.” I take a sip of my beer. “Grovel together.”

“You haven’t gotten something yet either?” he asks. I’ve only been home for a few days, but he’s right. I could have started looking before I was released. There’s a lot of programs to reduce recidivism rates, and I didn’t take advantage of any of them. Then again, I don’t want to flip burgers or bag groceries. I want to be back in the garage, working on engines. That’s what always made me feel powerful, made me feel like I had control.

“I’m serious,” I say. “We should go to the garage together.”

“Imagine us really doing that,” he says. “It might not be a crazy idea.”

The little girl picks up two crayons and brings them over to me like they’re a gift.

“Crazy!” she says, giggling.

“Who is crazy?” I say, bending down to take the crayons.

“I don’t know,” she says sweetly. She teeters back over to her coloring book and plops down.

I feel Alec looking over at me, even though I’m still observing the little girl playing. My heart and head are filled with confusion. I know I couldn’t have let him go down for what happened, not with his little girl in the picture...but I gave something up, too. And worse, I hurt my girl.

But my resentment isn’t toward Alec. Not for one fucking second. I made my choice. I may have felt that I had no choice in the matter, but I did. I chose to pay him back for all the goodness he’s given me over the years.

“What is it now?” I ask, my eyes sliding away from the little girl, over to Alec. “You want to tell me how I have to clean out Dad’s place and sell it?”

“No, man,” he says, shaking his head. He takes another long pull of his beer. “You should take the time you need on that. You shouldn’t be in any hurry to sell, if you decide to sell at all.”

“I haven’t decided yet.”

“What about her?” Alec gets up and grabs two more beers from the coffee table, flicking their caps of easily and handing one to me. I’m conflicted about drinking in front of the little girl, but she doesn’t know the difference. It would be worse to drink in front of a teenager, I reason.

“What about her?” I repeat.

My heart clenches. It’s a good question.

What about her?

“You might want to keep the house so you can move her in,” he says casually.

I huff out a laugh and shake my head.

“I don’t need to be living next door to her old man forever. Having him breathing down my neck for the next fifty years. Jesus.”

He wants the best for her, but I shudder when I imagine him checking on my every movement.

If he knew what was best for her, he would get out of her ear.

But it isn’t his fault. He doesn’t know how happy I can make her.

How happy I do make her.

There’s no way for anyone to fucking know.

“You really do want a life with her, don’t you?” Alec asks. His voice is softened at the edges. He’s a romantic. He always has been. He’s always asked me questions about her. He’s always asked me questions I haven’t even asked myself yet.

But this isn’t one of them.

I know the answer to this question.

“Yeah,” I say. “I do. I do want it.”

“And you want to give your kid what you didn’t have yourself.”

I feel my fist clench up involuntarily and I close my eyes. He knows how to push my buttons. It’s not something I talk about a lot. It’s sure as fuck something I haven’t explained to Daisy. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to. I don’t want her to know the whole story. If she did, she might judge me the way her father does.

But he’s right. Alec’s absolutely fucking right.

“You know there’s a reason why you’re my best friend,” I reply. “It’s because you know about all my demons and you’re my brother anyway.”

He puts his hand on my shoulder and looks down at his daughter. He’s saying nothing, but he’s thanking me for what I did for him.

But it wasn’t just for him. It was for me, too. I may not be innocent, but I’m not good, either. Now that I’ve served my time, though, I hope it’ll be enough for Daisy.

She doesn’t know what makes me bad. All she knows is what her parents have told her.

Stay away from him, I’ve heard her father say to her. After my dad left, her dad’s voice went from caring and calm to nervous and slightly on edge.

I couldn’t protect my mom from illness. I couldn’t protect my mom from what my father did to her. When he walked out on us, I should have been able to keep them together. But I couldn’t.

But I won’t stay away from Daisy. I won’t do what he says. Not now.

Alec takes a swig of his beer. He and I look like we could be actual brothers. Real blood, instead of just friends.

“Hey,” he says. “How was it in there?”

My chest tightens when I hear his question. I haven’t talked about this yet, to him or to anyone. Not really. I told him we were allowed to go outside when I was there, but I haven’t said anything about being inside those walls.

“It was lonely,” I say. “But it wasn’t that bad. I’m lonely now, too.”

He grunts and nods, taking another swig of his beer.

Entering the cold white brick room wasn’t so bad the first time, and it wasn’t so bad the last time, either.

After Dad left, entering my own fucking house was difficult. After Mom passed, my house didn’t feel like home anymore.

So I guess that’s why having that foreign place be my home for a year wasn’t all that fucking difficult. At least I didn’t have to face the empty rooms of my own home. At least I didn’t have to remember the echo of voices. Every room was the same, anyway: empty.

Part of the loneliness was my own choice, though. I could have written to her. I could have called. I could have asked Daisy to come see me. I wanted to, but for her sake, I wanted to let her come to me. I didn’t want to let her know I still wanted her. If she wanted to reach out to me on her own, she fucking could have.

She didn’t, though. But all hope wasn’t lost. She didn’t give me back the ring before I went away. She could have. She had the opportunity.

She gave it back when I got out. She gave it back after she saw me again.

Was she waiting to give it back the whole time I was away?

If she just wanted to be rid of it, why did she have it with her that night? Why’d she carry it with her like I used to?

I saw the way she looked at me the night she put it back into my hand.

I felt the way she warmed to my touch.

And I heard my name on her lips he other night, filling the air around us. Saying yes as I took her.

As I made her mine.