Around noon the following day, I step into my apartment and lock the door behind me with a heavy sigh. I’m still wearing Jace’s shirt and sweats, my own a wrinkled mess shoved into my purse. We spent all of yesterday in bed and crawled out only to eat and shower a few times. By the time I woke up this morning, once more securely wrapped in his arms, every single muscle in my body screamed. I have no idea how many times we had sex, but it’s safe to say that I might need to take a break from it for a few days since walking is a bit of a challenge.
Had my phone not been ringing nonstop with calls and texts from my family members, I might have stayed with him for the remainder of the day. Now that I’m here in my own home and have a chance to finally catch my breath, I’m relieved to have a few moments to myself. I may have slept like the dead last night, but the emotions of the past few days still weigh heavily on my shoulders.
My head has been spinning ever since I opened my eyes and looked into Jace’s sleeping face next to me. He’s been so good to me, caring for me while I rolled through emotions that had lain dormant for years. His own emotion about it all … shocking. The incredible sadness he showed that night in the bathroom still astounds me. The caring and compassion he showed afterwards … heartwarming. He and I may only be at the beginning of something new, but the closeness we’ve shared in the past few days can only be described as extreme.
I’m completely overwhelmed by all that’s happened, what I’ve revealed about myself. My mind whirls in a constant state of chaos. I’m stunned at how quickly I trusted and to such a great extent. I’m so grateful I don’t have to work for a few days. Concentrating on anything except putting one foot in front of the other is going to be a challenge.
Pushing away from the door, I head into my bedroom with my phone in hand. I’ve managed to put off Roman this long with a brief text telling him I’d call later. My very overprotective brother must sense a change somehow. Or it could be simply that he knows I’m not working and wonders why I’m been incommunicado for the past few days. I never know with him, but I am going to have to drum up some excuse. Telling anyone that Jace and I are … whatever it is we are … is something I’m not yet ready to face.
Before I can take another breath, there’s heavy, repetitive knocking at my door. Grumbling under my breath, I stomp back down the hall, flick the lock, and open the door seeing my very angry brother standing there.
“Where the hell have you been?” He stalks inside, pivots on his foot, and looks me over. His brown eyes dark with anger. “And what the hell are you wearing?”
Leaning back against the now closed door with arms folded across my chest, I reply, “Hello to you too, Roman.”
He drags his fingers through his messy brown hair and glares at me. “Bella, are you all right?”
I roll my eyes and glare right back at him. “I’m fine. What the hell is your problem?”
The anger slides from his face and worry and concern immediately replace it. “You never avoid my calls unless you’re working. And since I know for a fact that you’re off until after Christmas, I started to worry when I didn’t hear back.”
“I’m a grown woman, Roman. I don’t answer to you,” I snarl.
Caught off guard by my anger, his eyes widen in shock. “Christ, I know that. I was just …”
“Worried. I know.” Moving into the kitchen, I toss open the cupboard and pretend like I’m looking for something to eat. “You’ve seen me. You know I’m fine. So why don’t you go.”
I can feel the fury emanating between us, the heat from his scowl on my back as I rummage around boxes and cans. “Whose clothes are those?”
With a nonchalant shrug, I turn to face him, my fingers gripping the counter behind me. “They’re mine.”
“Bullshit.” He takes a few steps closer, looming large above me. “Whose are they Bella? Damian’s? Jace’s?”
“Let it go, will ya?” When he continues to glare at me, unmoving and unwilling to give this up, I snap, “Fine. They are Jace’s.”
Surprise lights his face. “So, you two are a thing now?”
A thing? Yes, I suppose we are, although it feels like much more than a thing. I can’t say I’m all that comfortable referring to Jace as my boyfriend, not that I believe he is. We are in that really weird place where emotions and expectations are high and reality is slightly muddied. I know that when the newness fades and I start to feel a little more in control about how I feel toward him, I’ll be in a better place to judge where we stand with one another. As it is, the only defining conversation we had about it was the one following the mind-blowing sex we had the first time. I’ll be the first to admit that thinking clearly was not exactly something I was capable of in that moment.
I shrug. “I don’t know.”
Roman leans against the kitchen counter and frowns. “You’re wearing the man’s clothes for crying out loud. How can you not know if you’re together?”
Wow. This coming from the admitted former Romeo, who made bed-hopping a sport. “I have things to do. Was there a particular reason you’ve been trying to reach me, or was it just to remind me that I need to check in every five minutes like a fucking child?”
The moment the words exit my mouth, guilt descends. I hate having to draw lines with my brother when there’s never been cause to have them there before. Apparently he and I are also in a muddied place between friendship and family and what one is entitled to know.
His eyes narrow in anger, but there’s a hint of pain hanging around as well. “I know you’re not a fucking child!”
“Then stop treating me like one!” My voice has risen to something just short of a scream, which shocks us both.
Roman shakes his head and shoves past me to the door flinging it open so hard it bangs loudly against the wall. He doesn’t even bother closing it behind him as he stalks down the hall. I hear the ping of the elevator, more footsteps, and then he’s gone.
The entire conversation didn’t even last five minutes, but he managed to flip me upside down and leave me gaping after him, my stomach rolling and head throbbing. His exit has sucked all the air from the room leaving me struggling for breath.
With slow, jerky movements, I secure the locks once again then stumble down the hall and flop onto the middle of the bed. My heart is pounding painfully in my chest and worry knots my stomach. I’ve never, ever gone after my brother like that. Never taken my uncertainty and worry out on the one person who loves me no matter what I say or do. Somehow, I think today may have changed that. I wish like hell I could hit a reverse button and take it all back. I can’t bear the thought of not having Roman by my side. I may not be big on confiding in people in general, but he sure as hell is the only one in my family I’d ever consider opening my heart and my past to.
Glancing down at myself, I cringe. I can only imagine what he must have been thinking seeing me dressed like this. No wonder he was so freaked and territorial.
Whipping off the shirt, I catch the lingering scent of Jace on my skin. Images rise to the surface: the wanton way I behaved going down on him in the living room; the multiple times we went after one another like animals; the exhausted way we fell asleep in one another’s arms. I cringe thinking about how easily I gave myself to him, which is so ironic because I’ve never, ever given myself to a man on that level before.
My heart stutters and comes to a grinding stop. What the hell happens now? Am I supposed to act like the perfect girlfriend, all happiness and sunshine, waiting for him to call? What does he expect from me, now that I’ve basically given him everything and then some?
Rolling to my feet, I slide the shorts off and make a beeline for the shower. The water can’t be hot enough and the scrubbing can’t be rough enough to wash away the remnants of the wild woman I allowed myself to be with him. I can only blame it on the shock of seeing my past thrown smack-dab into the middle of my future. I know better than to believe that freedom won’t come without a cost—that cost being my sanity. With my head all over the place, my heart racing and my throat closed up tight with worry, I have to believe I made some very, very poor choices starting with Jace and ending with Roman.
Confiding in Jace … well, that was poor choice number one. Life might not have been easier before telling him the truth, but I was certainly a whole lot more confident about my behavior prior to doing so. I have done nothing but respond impulsively since then, and now I can only stand back and watch it all disintegrate around me. Jace will now have expectations I’m bound to ignore. Or worse, I’ll be nothing but a big fat disappointment to him.
Now there’s Roman to add to the chaos spiraling around me. Having shown him the vile side of my personality, he will most likely put some distance between us and give me space to get my shit together and himself time to nurse his bruised feelings. I can’t blame him for being hurt and not understanding my livid reaction. I don’t much understand it myself.
Legs giving way, I fall to the tile floor with a thud and the water hits me directly in the face. Curling my knees up against my chest, I tighten into a ball and try to contain the flurry of emotions that won’t seem to settle. I wonder if this is what a panic attack feels like. The pounding heart, the inability to take a complete breath, and the full-body tremors. I’m filled to the brim with uncertainty and the more minutes that tick by, the worse it becomes. My error in judgement is decisively biting me in the ass. My impulsive choices, however, will have long-lingering after effects.
It was so easy when I felt nothing, when I just woke up in the morning and moved robotically through my day. I was centered then and confident about my reactions. There was no second guessing, no berating myself. There sure as hell was not this high level of unshakable uncertainty. If I could scream, I would.
The terrifying thing about all of this is that there’s nowhere to hide. Not from Jace and certainly not from Roman. Jace’s proximity to mine sounded all well and good yesterday but in the clear light of day, all I can think about is my inability to escape. And Roman … well, the holiday festivities begin tomorrow so avoiding him is an impossibility. I could feign sickness or at the very worst forfeit my vacation and go back to work. He would see right through it. Then again, so would Jace.
Tucking my head down against my knees, I clench my teeth and curl tightly into myself. The tremors start in my shoulders and work in tandem down each arm then spread like a fungus through my entire body. I’m cold then I’m hot; angry then on the verge of tears. And the only thing I can think about is how I did this. I allowed myself to be pushed into a very confining corner. I walked willingly into Jace’s arms seeking understanding, praying for an escape from my past. Repercussions be damned. I wanted that man and he wanted me, so nothing was going to stop me from reaching out and taking what I felt I was owed. But that’s the thing, I wasn’t owed him. I sure as hell don’t deserve him. He really does not deserve me and all the craziness that tags along in my suitcase of emotions.
Roman and I will work out our differences. I have to believe that is true. He is, after all, family. And as the saying goes, blood is thicker than water.
But Jace, understanding and kindness aside, is still a hot-blooded male. Unless I read him completely wrong, he’ll come back for more. It’s the more that worries me the most. I will never be able to be what he deserves. I’ll never be that girl, free and easy and willing to wear my emotions on my sleeve. I’ll never, ever be able to walk gently into a happy future. The weight of what happened to me is a burden I’ve shouldered for a long, long time. Shedding that cloak of pain now, when I’ve worn it so well for so long, is simply an unreal expectation.