The room is painfully silent, the only noise heard comes from the apartment above and it’s strains of Josh Groban belting out a love song. That old adage about it being so quiet you can hear a pin drop? Yeah, double that.
Roman squeezes my hand and gives me a “you’ve got this” smile. He’s been telling me that a lot, over and over in fact, pretty much every day since I walked into the counseling center the first time. He’s my greatest supporter, my encourager, my shoulder to cry on when I feel like giving up. He’s spent unending amounts of time just hanging out with me, letting me know without saying so that he intends to remain by my side until I’m strong enough to fly on my own.
My emotions have been wildly chaotic the past few months as I’ve delved deeper into my past and started to accept what happened. Carol, my counselor, tells me that for every step I take toward healing, I’ll take three in the opposite direction. That’s a messed-up way of looking at it. But as the weeks have passed, I’ve begun to accept it as fact. Healing is painful, excruciating, and liberating all at the same time. I’ve got a lot of ground to make up for, but I am making progress. Every day I wake feeling a little more confident in my ability to smile naturally instead of feeling like I have to simply because that’s what is done and it is what’s expected.
Glancing around at my brothers, my heart clenches painfully. We’re seated around Marco’s living room, and I’ve just dropped the same bomb that I laid at my parents’ feet the day before. Opening up isn’t easy. In fact, it’s sort of like getting eviscerated all over again. I knew going in that my greatest hurdle would be telling these boys, these protectors of mine. Even though I’ll never be as close with Marco and Cruz as I am with Roman, I’ve always known they would support me and love me no matter what.
Mama and Papa took the news as I expected. There were tears, a lot of tears, and then came the questions. Mama’s Spanish temper took flight a time or two, but there was never the wild range of emotions that I can literally feel in this room, circling like vultures and waiting to strike. When all was said and done, the three of us just sat on the couch and held one another, which in itself was more freeing then the act of revealing the truth. As much pain as I inflicted on my parents, they took it like champs, like the strong, supportive people they’ve been my entire life.
My brothers … Well, I could never have prepared myself for their reactions.
Cruz rises and slowly moves to the bank of windows, hands shoved deep into the pockets of his pants, dark head tipped down. I know without a doubt that he’ll take this the hardest, even though he’ll probably hide behind his icy exterior. He has this belief that the four of us are his responsibility. Even though we have our own lives and live them freely. Being the oldest of the group has given him this odd sense of duty. He’s fiercely protective, probably more so than anyone, but he tends to hide that emotion behind a thick wall of cold detachment. Mia and Thomas have certainly melted him some, but I fear he’ll carry my pain as if it were his own for a long, long time.
Marco growls out a curse, slumps back against the couch cushion, and presses the balls of his hands against his eyes. There’s no easy way I could have told them. This is the type of news that would rock even the most steadfast man. And for as macho and confidant as my brothers are, at heart they are loving, giving, caring men who would do anything for family.
Telling people my truth hasn’t been easy. Knowing I still face telling Sophia, and eventually the other girls, doesn’t exactly fill me with warm fuzzies. But I have to do this. I must do this if I intend to move on with my life. The hope is that when I do, Jace will still be there waiting for me. Though, honestly, I can’t imagine why he would be. We haven’t communicated since that text I sent him two months ago. There’s a small part of me that almost hopes he’s moved on. No one deserves to be strung along like he has. He sure as hell doesn’t deserve it. He deserves everything and then some.
“Why now, Bella?” Marco asks, his voice clouded with emotion. “Why tell us now, after all this time?”
With a heavy sigh, I contemplate my answer. I could go into the deep, dark, truth about seeing the man at the restaurant and my subsequent meltdown with Jace. And maybe someday I will. But for now, my brothers need only the truth. What happened and when. So I reply, “I started seeing a counselor a few months ago. With her encouragement, and Roman’s, we all felt it was time for me to quit hiding.”
The tension level escalates with every word out of mouth. The agony in the room is a tangible thing you can reach out and touch with your fingertips. I’m helpless to sit back and watch it unfold, to permanently scar those I love the most with a past I should have disclosed years ago. Though to be fair, there would never have been a good time to tell them. They’d all be shattered, regardless.
“Why the fuck didn’t you come to me?” Cruz growls, his back to us, broad shoulders tense.
Roman begins to protest, but I quickly hold up my hand to stop him and get to my feet. “I couldn’t, Cruz. I could barely admit it to myself, let alone the rest of you.” Moving toward him, I continue. “Please don’t be angry at me.”
Whirling to face me, he pulls me roughly into his arms crushing me with the weight of his grief. “Ah, Bella, I could never be angry with you.” He starts to shake, raw emotion taking over his entire body. “I should have protected you. I have failed at that miserably.”
“Don’t say that,” I murmur. The last thing I want is for him to take on the burden that I’ve carried. “I know that you’ll protect me. I’ve always known that. Which is why I’m telling you all this now instead of continuing to hide it.”
He sighs shakily and grips me tighter and even though breathing is a challenge, I wouldn’t change a thing. Right now this is all I can give him. My words and the knowledge that I’m starting to heal. Knowing how fiercely he and the others love me warms me in places that have grown cold the past decade. And the thing is, it has always been this way. I’ve just been so busy hiding behind my truth that I’ve failed to see it and accept it.
His large hands come up to cradle my face and eyes that mirror my own stare intently at me. “Tell me who did this to you.”
Shaking my head, I smile at his He-Man attitude. “I wouldn’t even if I could. You don’t need to fight my battles for me, big brother. I can do that on my own.” While I do remember the guy’s first name, a name I’m not yet strong enough to repeat, I’m embarrassed to admit I know very little else. I could probably locate the house where it all went down, but really … why bother? What would that accomplish?
“I want to know everything,” he says, his voice so menacing it sends chills up my spine. This is the ugly side I’m seeing of Cruz Moran: the cutthroat businessman who has fought his way to the top, never caring about who he steps on to get there. I suppose we all have a dark side, but he hides his fairly well striking only when it is warranted.
“I’ll tell you everything.” Taking a small step back, I take his hands in mine. “But, Cruz, nothing you do now will change what happened to me. You have a family to think about. Going after a ghost might make you feel better, but what would Mia think?”
Predictably, the hard veneer starts to slide away, but in its place comes the heartache and anguish. His blue-green eyes glaze over with tears. “Tell me what I can do for you.”
My entire body reacts to seeing his influx of emotions. My throat closes tight with unshed tears and stomach cramps uneasily. The curtain has been pulled back from this stoic man who has only ever shown us how strong he can be. I’ve seen him come close to losing it a time or two when he asked Mia to marry him or the day Thomas was born. But never in my lifetime have I seen my big brother as tortured as he is right at this moment. It’s a painful realization to know that your choices can so adversely affect another person. Would he be in such visible agony had I been honest from the beginning? It’s hard to say. I do know that I have never doubted his love for me, but I’ve also greatly underestimated how incredibly loyal he could be.
“You’re doing it right now,” I whisper. “By listening to me and trying to understand.”
“Ah, pequeńa, you know I’d do anything for you.”
“I absolutely do.”
This time when he pulls me close, I can tell that some of the fear and worry has begun to fade. I still feel a slight tremor in his arms as he holds me, which just proves once again how deeply he loves those closest to him.
“Since you have been so truthful with us, I should do the same.” He sets me back, pulling me into the crook of his arm so he can face our brothers too. “I didn’t just lose Daniella in that car accident years ago…” remorse clouds his eyes “…she was pregnant.”
There’s a flurry of gasping and more swearing from Marco, and I can only snuggle closer to Cruz and start to cry. To learn that he lost not only his childhood sweetheart in the tragic car accident when he was a senior in high school but an unborn child as well cuts me to the core. We have lost so much, he and I. If things had been different, if life had been easy, I wonder how that would have impacted our futures. But as we both have learned all too well, life isn’t easy. It sure as hell is a most unpredictable beast.
Roman clears his throat, pulling his arms across his broad chest. “Since we’re sharing secrets, I should probably tell you guys that the Romeo bullshit … it was a lie. I hated the whole damn thing. I pretended to like those ladies when I was really using them as cover. I was secretly in love with Sabrina the entire time.”
Shaking my head, I start to laugh. I had a hunch Roman’s playboy days as the professed Romeo were nothing more than a ruse. I never bought the whole “I’m in love with someone new every few weeks” act, but I certainly didn’t know he’d carried such a torch for Sabrina for so long. Maybe my coming clean was a good thing after all. I’m certainly learning more about my siblings than I ever planned.
Cruz smirks and shakes his head. “Little brother, you’re nuts.” Roman simply shrugs in agreement.
“Yeah, well, unlike you assholes I don’t have any secrets,” Marco states, getting to his feet. “I’ve got nothing to hide. Unless you can count all the woman I’ve fucked, which you’ll never be able to do because there were so damn many.” His grin widens. “Besides, I doubt it’s a secret what a stellar lay I am. I’m pretty fucking awesome in the sack. Just ask Amita.”
“You’re such a pig, Marco,” I reply.
He nods, fully accepting that he’s the unpredictable one of us. “Yeah. Good thing she loves me.”
“Damn straight,” Cruz drawls.
Cruz and I take our seats while Marco strolls off into the kitchen and returns moments later with a bottle of tequila and four glasses. He pours generous shots into each one, hands them over, and raises his own glass in the air. “To Bella. Our fierce baby sister. You’ve got balls the size of boulders, babe. And you’re stronger than the three of us combined. But if you ever keep something like this from us again, I’m gonna kick your ass. And then I’m sending Cruz after you.”
Only Marco could make a toast that would include a compliment, the word balls, and a threat. My heart surges with love and warmth for these three amazing men. I’m such a very, very lucky girl. I never have to look too far to know that someone is on my side. They give me strength when mine might be missing, and their love is always taking up a good portion of my heart. Even though Sophia spends more time away from all of us than I’d like, I know her support will be the final piece of this healing puzzle.
We clink glasses, toss back the tequila, and wince at the burn. Then one by one my boys gather around me pulling me close and reminding me without words that I will no longer be facing this alone. My years of slaying my demons on my own are now a thing of the past.