“No!”
The wretched moan pulls me from sleep. Through my grogginess, I wonder if I imagined the sound.
“No … please … no …”
The strangled cries of the woman lying next to me cause my heart to jump erratically. Bella is curled up into a ball, eyes scrunched closed, fingers digging into the pillow as she rolls through her nightmare.
This is only the second time we’ve ever slept together, strangely enough. There’s always some excuse: she has to get up early for work; she doesn’t sleep well sharing a bed with someone else. Ironic, because she clearly had no issue sharing a bed with me that first night. But she’s now either throwing out some lame reason why she can’t sleep over or kicking me out before I’ve had a chance to enjoy a few moments post-sex. The other times when we’ve fallen asleep, having worn one another out with repeated go-arounds, she slinks out in the middle of the night like she’s almost embarrassed to even consider opening her eyes to me in the morning.
I can’t figure her out. And just when I think I do, something like this happens. Something like a middle of the night bad dream to remind me that Bella may always be a work in progress and forever running from her ghosts instead of facing them head-on.
I’ve really tried to be patient. I’ve listened on those rare occasions when she feels like talking, which isn’t usually anything more than one or two sentences. I’ve held my tongue more times than I can count. I’ve been the good guy when she’s needed me to be, the bad guy when all she wants is to be fucked. I’ve been the romancer, like I was earlier with flowers and a candlelit dinner. I’ve even been the voice of reason a time or two when she actually let me tell her what I think she needs to do to work past this. She’s balked at the idea of a psychiatrist and made up numerous excuses why she can’t see a therapist. When I blatantly suggested she call one of those rape crisis hotlines, she shut me out for three long, lonely, silent days.
I’m at wits’ end, and yet I can’t imagine not being there for her. We’re this odd mixture of confidants and strangers. I know many things about her now, but then there are days I feel like I don’t know her at all. She keeps such a tight control on her feelings that on those rare instances when she unravels, all I can do is hold her tight and hope she’ll eventually reach a peace about it all. But is that possible? I have no damn idea. I’ve read what I can online, but I can’t find anything that will help me work past the walls she’s erected around her heart.
“No!” This time she screams the word and flopping onto her back thrashing against the pillow. The sheet slips and bares her nude body. My heart jolts when I see her tear-stained face, and then the anger sets in. She’ll never know how hard it’s been for me not going back to that restaurant and tracking that fucker down. The list of things I want to do to him is long, and yet time and time again I remind myself that retaliating won’t give her what she needs: hope and happiness.
“Bella? Wake up, sweetheart. It’s me, Jace.” Reaching out, I stroke my fingertips down her arm but when she flinches and moans in fear, I immediately pull away. “Wake up. You’re okay.”
She thrashes around some more then with a shattered groan, she once more curls into a ball and starts to sob. Short of pulling her into my arms, I have no idea how to bring her back to me. Erase the memories, slay the monsters, let her know that she’s safe right here.
Flicking on the side table light does seem to quiet her tears some, though her eyes remain closed tight. I continue to speak to her, my voice gentle as I try to coax her awake. Not that I believe being awake will change anything. Night or day, the poor girl can’t seem to escape her past. Damn if I don’t wish there was something magical I could do for her. I’m so fucking helpless, I wonder why she continues to want to spend time with me.
“Baby, please wake up.”
After what feels like hours, the tension starts to fade from her body and her lashes finally lift. Swollen, bloodshot eyes gaze over me in confusion. “Why is the light on?”
My fingers trace her jawline, tuck her hair behind her ear. “You were having a nightmare.”
Averting her eyes, she murmurs, “Oh. Sorry.”
“Don’t apologize.” Tipping her chin up, I wait until she looks at me again. “This has got to stop, Bella. You need to talk to someone.” Before she can protest, I reply, “I have the names of a few counselors. I think you should make an appointment.” I’m pushing, I know I am, but I’m desperate. I need her, not the shattered girl she is right now. I want the fiery beauty who melted my heart when she first looked at me.
Rolling to her feet, she reaches for her clothes and starts dressing. Swearing under my breath, I quickly pull on shorts and come around to her side of the bed.
“Where are you going?’
She glares at me. “I’m going home.”
“Jesus, Bella, it’s the middle of the night. Please stay.” I know her well enough now to understand that this isn’t about not wanting to stay with me, it’s about running from what she fears the most. “I’ll make us some hot chocolate and we can put a movie on or something.”
Dragging her dress over her head, she snaps, “Go back to sleep, Jace.”
When I try to reach for her, she yanks her hand away like she can’t bear the thought of me touching her. “For fuck’s sake, will you just slow down a minute and talk to me.”
Indignant, she continues to hurl dark looks at me while she slips on her sandals and gathers her purse. Short of standing in front of the door and blocking her exit, I can do nothing but watch as she once again bolts. I’m certain she’ll spend the next few days ignoring my calls and texts, refusing to answer her door, and generally being the pain in my ass she’s been for weeks now. The beautiful, unforgettable, woman I’m losing my heart to is my greatest frustration.
“You can’t spend your whole life running.” That gets her to stop. It’s brief, but I can tell my words have had exactly the impact I’d hoped for by the way her shoulders tense and her jaw lifts in defiance. “Ten years from now those ghosts will still be there. They will still be completely controlling your life. Do something about it, dammit. Do something before we end up losing one another.”
“Are you threatening me?”
I can feel the color slide from my face. “What? No. Of course not.” Her brow shoots up in doubt. “I’m just pointing out the obvious. The more you run, the more you risk letting your fear take over.” Lowering my voice to a whisper, I dip my head down until she’s forced to look at me. “Please, babe, just stop running. Let me help you.” I attempt to take her hand in mine but just as before, she pulls away and glares at me. It’s starting to feel like all we’re doing is going in circles; we have a few good days, a week perhaps, and then she’s riding her wild roller coaster of emotions and is on the fast track away from me. There’s no solution, not if we continue to go along like this. The heartbreaking truth is I really don’t know if I have the strength to do this forever.
My hands cradle her face, my voice pleading again. “Please stop running.” I know I’m repeating myself, but it’s safe to say she’s most likely only hearing what she wants to hear. “Stop running from your past and face it head-on. Face it so that you and I can move forward.”
She cocks her hip and shoves at my chest to put space between us. “And if I don’t?”
Something splits wide open in my chest. Anguish slowly unfolds with each beat of my heart. “If you don’t, then I can’t help you. I think I’m only making it worse for you.”
A brief hint of pain skirts through her eyes. Then she’s locking it down and glowering at me once more. “Well then, I guess there’s nothing more to discuss.” Rushing past me, she runs for the front door and tosses it open taking off down the hall in a sprint. I can only stand there in the doorway and watch her go. There’s nothing more I can say or do that hasn’t been said or done many, many times. If Bella wants to be happy, she’s going to have to make a change. The imposing pain in my heart reminds me that most likely will never happen.
Closing the door, I move to the couch and sit down as the guilt starts to take root. How could I have fucked this up so badly? What was I thinking, pushing her, demanding for her to get help? I had to know she’d fight me. Hell, fighting is all she’s done since college. She’s fought to be happy, fought to keep her sense of independence, fought so hard to keep her head above water. I’m certain there were times she wanted to just close her eyes and let herself drown.
I’m so fucking helpless right now, I want to scream. I’ve tried so damn hard to help her, and all I’ve managed to do is drive her deeper inside herself. I stick by what I said to her. I am making this worse. I’m so out of my league with all this and with her. I have no fucking idea what to say without hurting her or scaring her. As I told her, I can’t be the one to help.
But maybe someone else can.
Retrieving my phone from the bedroom and pulling a shirt over my head, I pour myself a shot and toss it back. With a glance at the clock, I scroll through my contacts. It’s too damn early to be calling anyone, but my finger presses the call button before I even comprehend what I’ve done.
The phone is answered on the second ring. “Jace. Is everything okay?”
“No, not really. Is there any way I could come over there? I know it’s early …”
“I’ll come to you.” The call is disconnected and I’m so out of it, I can only stand there and stare at the screen.
I’m still standing in the same spot long minutes later, phone in hand, when a knock sounds at my door. Pulling it open, Roman stares at me with a worried expression and steps inside, turning to face me. “What’s wrong? Where’s Bella?”
My heart is pounding painfully as I comprehend what I’m about to do. I might as well kiss her goodbye because the moment she finds out I’ve broken her trust, she’ll want nothing more to do with me. Christ … can I really do this? Can I lose her simply so she can find herself?
“Jace, talk to me, man. You’re scaring me.” His eyes frantically search my apartment. “Where is she?”
“She’s at her place,” I reply, dragging down the tequila bottle once more and filling a glass for each of us.
Roman tosses it back without pause then snaps, “Talk. Now.”
Tearing my hands through my hair, I growl, “Fuck. I can’t do this.” I’m such a dumb ass. What the hell was I thinking calling this man at four in the morning? He barely tolerates me as it is, tossing out nasty, protective looks and reminding me silently that he’ll fuck me up beyond measure if I hurt his sister. Wouldn’t he love to know that while she might be extraordinarily pissed when she finds out what I’ve done, I’ll be the one left behind with the broken heart?
“Can’t do what?” He stands directly in front me when I attempt to move out of the kitchen. “Tell me you didn’t break her heart.”
With a heavy sigh, I drop back against the counter. “No, not yet.”
“What the ever-loving fuck does that mean?” Gripping my shirt between his fists, he scowls at me with a dark expression. We’re about the same height, but Roman is large and imposing. His thick biceps bulge with tension. “What the fuck have you done?”
His face swims in front of me. “I’ve betrayed her trust.”
His hands tighten and the collar of my shirt strangles me. “You stepped out on her?”
“What? No. Of course not. Bella is the only woman I want.” Fuck, I feel like I need to hurl, but I’ve got to get this out. Months of trying to help her has done nothing. I’m at wits’ end here, and Roman is the only person who I believe might be able to get through to her. “I’m betraying her trust by telling you her secret.”
“Dude, you’re not making any sense.” He releases my shirt, pours himself another shot, and drains it. “What secret?”
My stomach rolls and a cold, icy sweat breaks out over my skin. Sliding down the cabinet, I fall to the tile floor with a loud thud, prop my elbows on my knees, and grip my hair. My voice, strangled by fear and regret, is ragged when I finally speak. “When Bella was in college, she was raped.” I can’t look at him, can’t breathe. I can only sit there on my ass and let the pain wash over me as I unveil the secret she’s kept hidden for so long. “She was at a party. Some guy she had a crush on forced himself on her. She was drunk.” I take a shaky breath and continue. “She got pregnant. Had an abortion.” The only sound coming from him is his harsh breathing. I almost wonder if he’s even hearing me. I wonder that right up until the moment he leans over the kitchen sink and pukes violently.
When he’s through, he walks slowly into the living room. The springs of the couch squeak as he settles on it. “She never said a word to me.”
Rising, I fill a glass with water and move toward him then hand it over. “She knew you’d be hurt.”
His eyes fill with tears. “She’s carried this secret on her own all these years?”
With a nod, I slump down next to him and press the palms of my hands into my eyes. “Yeah. She only told me after we ran into the guy at a restaurant and she completely lost her shit.”
“Did she ever go to the cops?”
Shaking my head, I glance at him sideways. “No. I really believe she thought she could handle it on her own.”
“So what changed? Why tonight?”
I give him a brief rundown of the evening. “I can’t help her anymore, Roman. I’ve tried to get her to talk to me, but she shuts me down. Anytime we get too close, she closes herself off for days. She refuses to spend the night and practically shoves me out of her door when I try to stay.” I recall the haunted look in her eyes, the terrified screams from earlier. “She uses everything to avoid the truth. The long hours at work, the refusal to talk.” I wince, preparing for him to unleash his anger. “Hell, she even uses sex to avoid talking to me.”
Roman shoots me a fierce look. “Didn’t need to know that, Jace.”
“Yeah, but I think you do,” I reason. “Bella likes to run, and she’ll do whatever is necessary to do that. She’ll work herself to death at her job, come home and work out like she’s training for a marathon. Then she begs me to fuck her so she can continue to run and hide.”
“You should stop talking. Now.”
“I can’t help her anymore!” I yell, rising to my feet. “This is no life for her, Roman. She’s never going to allow herself to love or be loved until she deals with this shit.” Risking a glance his direction, I see the tortured face of the man I’ve just eviscerated. “She needs you. You are the only person who knows the real Bella. Not the one she likes me to see, not the happy girl she pretends to be with everyone else.” Now I’m the teary-eyed and frantic one. “Please help her. She’s going to hate me for telling you, but you she can forgive.”
“You love her, don’t you?”
The question hits me directly in the solar plexus. “Fuck, man, I don’t know. She’s got me turned inside out.”
“You love her,” he states. “You wouldn’t risk losing her like this if you didn’t.”
Swiping at my face, I murmur, “There’s no risk. It’s done. She’ll never forgive me now.”
The truth is that my betrayal gives Bella somewhere else to place her blame. For years she’s blamed herself about what happened to her. She didn’t need to tell me that, I could see it in her eyes every time she talked about it. She feels she did something wrong, that she somehow brought it on herself. And in all the years since then, while she’s been running and hiding, she’s continued to blame herself for something that was completely out of her control.
“Just help her, Roman. I want her to be happy.”
He gets to his feet and gives me a hug. “Thank you for telling me the truth.”
Nodding, I step aside and look directly at him. I’m too broken to worry that I might look like a pussy with tears running down my face. Frankly, I couldn’t give a fuck what he thinks. She’s shredded me. “Just take care of her. Get her the help she needs. And when she’s ready, even if it’s years from now, please tell her I only told you b-because … um … b-because …”
“Because you love her?” I’m so fucking emotional all I can do is nod. “I’ll do my best.” I appreciate the fact that he doesn’t lie, doesn’t blow smoke up my ass simply because I’m standing here like a pussy-whipped fool crying over my lost girl.
I watch him move like a man who has aged twenty years in ten minutes, like every step is excruciating and more difficult than the last one. I can only imagine how hard this must be for him, hearing his sister’s truth from a stranger. The fallout will turn his life, and the life of anyone else he trusts with this secret, upside down. Having spent the past few months in that exact position, my heart aches for him. Fighting an invisible opponent is never easy. When that opponent is a secret as heartbreaking and soul-shattering as this, the chances are no one will escape unscathed. Least of all Bella.