“I’m fine,” Ray said again. He wasn’t even lying. Maybe he’d said it so many times since that terrible night when he'd been kidnapped that he’d actually come to believe it. Maybe it no longer meant anything to him.

Ray wasn’t fine. Josh didn’t need to hear his heart skip a beat; he’d known Ray all his life. Sometimes it seemed like he’d loved him just as long.

And then he’d gone and signed his heart away to be torn to pieces by becoming Ray’s alpha and committing not just in soul but in body to protecting and caring for him. If he’d thought it was intense when he’d been in love with Ray the human way and too afraid to fuck things up to tell him... Well, asking his wolf to join the party and actually having sex with Ray had done it for him.

He couldn’t blame Ray for pulling back when he was going through the worst time of his life since the tragic loss of his father. He couldn’t ask for his attention and his devotion when his best friend was barely keeping himself together. But it hurt. He missed what they'd had. He’d have given up sex with Ray any day for a movie marathon, or a day in the sun watching Ray draw while pretending to nap.

He had tried to give it up anyway, and he’d failed even at that because his inner wolf didn’t care that the man was the love of Josh’s life and he’d have rather died than hurt him, the wolf was an alpha that needed to prove again and again who its omega belonged to.

And now it’d stopped.

Only the price was too dear to ever be worth it. Josh looked away from Ray at the sole thought, feeling his claws grow as his wolf reacted to his barely repressed fury. It didn’t matter that Josh wished he could kill Nicholas himself because he loved Ray and the wolf only wanted to eliminate a threat to their pack, they were in agreement. Without any strong emotion of his own to keep the wolf down, it took almost constant focus to keep it from unleashing its aggression. Josh knew Nicholas was dead—Gabriel hadn’t been descriptive, but he’d left no doubts—but that only left his rightful anger without an object, and the wolf wasn’t capable of believing it when it hadn’t seen it.

The wolf only knew about one thing: Nicholas’ scent all over their mate. Josh had seen the scrapes on Ray’s face; the wolf had smelled Nicholas’ seed.

“You got the list?” Ray asked, snapping Josh out of his dark thoughts.

“Yeah, you sure you don’t want to come?” he asked.

It was pointless and they both knew it; Ray hadn’t left pack territory since he’d returned after being forced to. He’d only agreed to leave the house at all to look at the fence when Josh had promised he’d stay in the living room with both Alec and Iesu to look after the babies.

It was a step in the right direction, Josh reminded himself when Ray shook his head.

“Okay, see you in a bit.”

His fingers clenched as he pulled his hand back without punching Ray on the shoulder.

&

He chose the time carefully to be sure he'd find her alone at home. It was pretty rude of an alpha to show up at an omega's home unannounced, especially one from what was now technically another pack. But he was sure Ray's mum wouldn't think twice of it.

She made tea without asking and made him catch her up on the kids' latest accomplishments and misadventures, and the progress with the construction of what they all called the beta wing by now. It was all empty talk and they both knew it. Maybe she just wanted to reassure him that she wasn't angry at him—although the moon knew he deserved her anger and more.

“I need your advice,” he finally said when she'd poured for them both. “I can't... He might never forgive me for telling you this,” he confessed, his fear bleeding freely into his voice. Because he was afraid; if he crossed a line with Ray that Ray couldn't forgive... If he lost his friendship even when he could never really lose him in reality... He wouldn't be able to bear it. He'd leave. It’d hurt every second of the rest of his life, bound to Ray as he was, but he couldn't...

She interrupted his thoughts. “Why are you telling me then?”

He exhaled and made himself take a sip of his drink. “Because he needs help, and I can't— I don't know how to give it to him.” He drank again, trying to distract himself from the bitter words with the sweetness of the drink. And failing. There wasn't enough tea in the world for this conversation. Not enough werewolf-grade vodka, either.

Martha nodded. “Then you are doing the right thing,” she decided. It was stupid, but hearing her say it almost made it so. Josh's own mum wasn't the affectionate type; she loved him, indubitably, but she was in love with her work. She didn't have time for the minutiae of daily life, the little problems that had seemed so overwhelming when Josh had been a kid, a teenager even. Martha did. Josh wasn't her son, not even a distant cousin, but she'd been there for him too.

He'd learned to believe her.

Even so, he knew that she would put Ray first. It was only fair, he was her son, after all. Josh wanted Ray put first. Ray needed to be put first.

This was for Ray's own good, he reminded himself once again. It didn't stop it from feeling like a betrayal. “You know about... you know he was taken.”

“Yes.” There was fear in her voice, but she was keeping it back from her scent somehow.

Josh swallowed, hands folded in his lap, fists clenched carefully against his own claws. “It was... He killed him. The alpha,” he clarified. He didn't want to say the bastard’s name. “But... it was too late. He—” He stopped, body tightening in a dizzying mix of fear and fury. “He made—” He choked on the next word, feeling tears brim from his eyes.

Martha leaned across the coffee table and took hold of his arm. “Enough.”

He was silent, looking at the space between their feet, torn between pure undiluted agony and revolting shame. He, more than any of the other alphas, had taken on his role as Ray's mate to protect him. He hadn't been able to make Ray happy with his situation, but he'd known that going in. Ray had made it abundantly clear he did not relish his role as an omega, but that wasn't something Josh could fix. He could make the most of the cards Ray had been handed though. He'd been working on it. They all had. He had thought— But then Nicholas had come, and Ray had started thinking about it, and what could Josh do? Tell Ray that he not only had a terrible choice to make for his pack, but that Josh would take away his right to make it?

He should have, he realised now. He should have confronted Ray with his concerns, insisted that he talk it over with his mother before making any decisions, moved heaven and earth to keep Ray from saying yes to something that would destroy him in soul if not in body. But he'd been too afraid. Too selfish. He didn't want Ray to be angry with him when his best friend had already pulled so far away already. He was meant to be the stone against which Ray tested his mettle and he'd gone soft on him.

He'd failed him because he'd treated Ray as an omega, exactly what he’d promised him he wouldn't do. He didn't know if it was instincts or love, but Ray was paying the price either way.

Josh had to fix it before he really lost Ray forever.

Even if fixing meant he lost Ray forever.

“Tell me what to do,” he begged. He kept his gaze down, unable to face the judgment in the beloved face. “Anything. I—”

The hand on his arm tightened. “Shhh...” she said. “Keep your head, Josh. Nothing is lost while you are still alive to make amends.”

He jerked in her grip, a reflex he couldn't control. Because for a moment he'd thought about Nicholas doing more to Ray than just... And then he realised she wasn't talking about her son; she was talking about her husband. He looked up then, uncertain, but her face was just like it had always been—she'd barely aged in the last decade—there was no sign of her pain on her skin. But it was there in her eyes: a pain so great it’d never stop aching, a loss so immense nothing would ever fill it. She nodded like he’d said the right thing. “I don't think he'll be ready to talk, at least that explains why he's been so vague with me on the phone. But he needs to keep busy; I know Ray, he always kept busy, made sure everything was done and then double checked. He doesn't do well with idleness, and he probably needs to keep his mind off... the incident.”

“Maybe he can paint,” Josh suggested timidly.

“Good idea,” she nodded. “But you are a new pack, I'm sure there’s useful work to be done. Ray loves to paint but he doesn't think of it as work.”

“Oh,” Josh said. It was true, he saw it at once. There he went again, thinking of Ray as an omega meant to be doing light work. But Ray wasn't pregnant anymore, he didn't need to take it easy. He was a strong, capable guy and even with the betas, they could use every pair of hands they could get. It would be wasteful to keep Ray entertained with his hobby when he could be helping the pack and... “You really think he'd want that? I just... If I ask him, it's not like he can say he won't, I don't know, help with building the beta wing.”

“Josh,” she said, slapping his arm and letting go. “He can make up his own damn mind. It's not your job to think for omegas, just to give them the options you can afford. Ray is an adult; if he is too distracted to notice his pack needs help, he'll want to know.”

He rubbed his arm. “Damn, sorry, you are right.”

Martha shook her head. “Don't be sorry, make it right,” she said firmly. “You are his mate, not... It isn't your job to decide what he can handle.”

Josh nodded. “Thank you, Martha. I appreciate it. I don't... I don't know what I... we'd do without you.”

“Just take care of my boy,” she answered. “And let him take care of you too, you look like you haven’t slept in a while.”

Josh couldn't say much to that: it was true. It was hard to fall asleep when you were always wondering if someone would come and take what you loved the most in the world from you.