Chapter 21 - Zoe
When I tell my mother about the promotion, she makes a noise and is quiet for a few moments.
“I don’t know what to do,” I say. “They’re basically creating a position for me here, doubling my pay, and offering me way better benefits. I’d be consulting for three National Parks!”
“That’s very exciting, Zoe,” she answers slowly. “Congratulations.” I hear her shift the phone to her other ear and I take a deep breath.
“I was thinking you could bring Audrey out, so she could see Lang Creek. We have a couple weeks before school starts. If she’s not willing to move here, then I can turn the promotion down.”
My chest squeezes when I say the words, and my thoughts fly to Ethan. Turning the promotion down sends a needle of pain deep in my chest when I think about leaving Lang Creek and of leaving Ethan. But at the end of the day, Audrey needs to be the priority.
“Do you…” I trail off and take a deep breath. “Do you think it’s a bad idea to bring her here?” A lump forms in my throat and it’s hard for me to say the last couple words. My mother makes another noise and sighs.
“No,” she says, “I don’t think it’s a bad idea. I think it’s a wonderful idea to get Zoe away from the city and get her to experience something different. Knowing Audrey, she’ll love it. And…”
“… And…?”
“Well, I’m not quite sure what went on at school, or who these girls are that she knows, but…”
Fear starts snaking around my heart and I stand up straighter. “Mom, just tell me,” I say through clenched teeth.
“I think she might be bullied at school.”
My stomach drops and I feel dizzy. “What? What do you mean?”
“She won’t talk to me about it. Getting her to tell me anything that upsets her is like pulling teeth,” she says. “No question who she got that from,” she adds.
I ignore her quip. “Mom, how do you know? What kind of bullying? Is she okay?”
“It’s those girls that she knows,” my mom says. “I’m not entirely sure, but I found Audrey crying after school a couple times.”
“What!”
“I didn’t want you to worry! She’s tough, Zoe, she’s started to open up about it.”
“Mom! How could you not tell me this? How did I not notice?” My heart start to break as my eyebrows draw together. My daughter!
“Listen, Zoe, all I’m saying is that going to see you, and maybe even moving somewhere new might be a good thing.”
“… But…?” I prompt.
She’s quiet for a few moments, and I stare out my hotel room window, chewing my bottom lip. I always feel like I need my mom’s blessing, even though I’m a grown woman. If she’s not happy with this idea, then it will break my heart to go through with it. My head is spinning. What if Audrey is being bullied? How could I have missed the signs? I knew there was something off about that friend of hers–what’s her name? Megan! I could tell by the way Audrey talked about her.
My mom sighs again, and it feels like a hand is slowly squeezing my chest so that I can’t breathe.
“But it’ll break my heart to see you go, Zoe,” she almost whispers. I hear her clear her throat and her voice betrays her emotion. “I’m being selfish, and I’m sorry.”
“Mom, you don’t need to apologize,” I start, but she cuts me off.
“I should be happy for you. I should be celebrating. Instead, I’m sad that I won’t have Tuesday night dinners with my girls anymore.”
“Mom…”
She sniffles and clears her throat. “I’ll tell Audrey when she gets home from soccer camp, and then you can call later and explain everything.” Her voice is harsher, as if she’s forcing herself to suppress her emotions.
“Mom…”
“I’ll go over to your house to get anything that you might want me to bring. When were you thinking of flying her over?”
“Mom, stop!” I finally say. “First of all, I’m flying you both over. I’m not having my eight-year-old daughter come here on her own. And plus, I want to show you this place too! Who knows, maybe you’ll want to move here with us!”
My mom pauses and sniffles and clears her throat again. “Alright, honey. I’ll talk to you later when I have more control over myself.” I can hear her voice relax ever so slightly. “Love ya.”
“Love you too, Mom.”
I hang up the phone and flop backwards onto my bed. I hadn’t even thought of my mom! I’d only thought of Audrey, but of course my mother would be sad we were leaving! She has no one else in Seattle. My heart squeezes. She might feel like she was being selfish, but now I feel like that too.
I close my eyes and put my hand over my forehead. I stay like that for many minutes, until I take a deep breath and force myself to get up. I glance out the window at the setting sun, and I try to shake off the heaviness in my heart.
I’ve been here for over two months, and the sunsets never cease to take my breath away. I watch the colors shift and change as the sun goes down, the dark mountains cutting jagged lines through the sky. I lean my head against the window frame, and I stare off into nothing as I try to quiet my whirling mind.
Ever since I got that phone call earlier today, I haven’t been able to make sense of what’s right. I want to take the promotion. I want Audrey to come here and I want to build a life with her, away from the memory of her father’s death and away from the city. If she’s being bullied at school, then I definitely want to get her out of there. I want her to experience something different, and I feel like I’ve found something special in Lang Creek. They’ve accepted me into their community so warmly, and I’d love for her to experience that before she’s old and jaded.
And of course, I want to keep seeing Ethan. The look on his face when I told him about the promotion wasn’t exactly jubilant, but when we kissed in the parking lot, his eyes had softened and his smile had been brilliant.
I jump when there’s a knock on the door. I open it to see Katie, dressed in her regular clothes with her bag slung over her shoulder.
“Just finished work,” she says. “You want to come to Harold’s with me and Mara? There’s a band on tonight. You might know the lead singer,” she winks.
I open my mouth just as my stomach grumbles. Katie’s eyebrows shoot up and she laughs. “Sounds like your stomach wants you to come!”
I smile and glance at the time. It’s almost time to call Audrey. I nod to Katie, who smiles warmly. Her, Mara, and I have become close over the past two months. Little Hailey reminds me so much of Audrey when she was born, and I think Mara has appreciated having us around to help out. Going out with them tonight will be a nice way to unwind after telling Audrey about the promotion and the possible move to Lang Creek.
“I just have one quick phone call to make and I’ll be right over. Save me a seat?”
Katie smiles and nods. I close the door just as my phone starts to ring. My mom’s face pops up on the screen and I take a deep breath, clicking to answer the incoming video call.
“Hey, monkey!” I say when my daughter’s face appears on the screen. She smiles at me, and my heart softens.
“I’m not a monkey, Mom,” she says, rolling her eyes like only eight year olds can.
I laugh. “You’re my little monkey!”
“Grandma says you have some good news for me.”
“I do. How would you feel about coming to visit me?”
Her eyes brighten and a smile breaks over her face. “Really?!”
“Really.” Audrey jumps up and down excitedly and I laugh. Maybe this is the right thing to do.
I take a deep breath. “Audrey, when you get here, I want you to tell me if you like it here. I’ve gotten an opportunity to stay here, and I want to make sure you like it too.”
Audrey’s smile fades a little and she frowns. “I would leave here?”
“Yeah, munchkin. We can see if you like the school and if you meet anyone that you’d like to be friends with.”
Her face falls and a frown appears over her forehead. “A new school?”
My heart squeezes and I take a deep breath. “Audrey, are kids at your school ever mean to you?”
She looks away from the camera and down at the ground in front of her. A pain passes through my chest and I wait for her to speak. She shrugs. “Just Megan, sometimes. And then everyone laughs at what she says.”
I take a moment before I speak again because I don’t trust my voice. Anger flares in my stomach, and if that little Megan brat was in front of me I’d want to wring her neck. I take a deep breath.
“How would you feel about meeting some new kids? If you don’t like it here, you can tell me and we’ll figure something out.”
Audrey chews her lip, finally lifting her eyes back up towards the phone. “What about Grandma?” Her voice is getting higher with every question and my chest tightens. A lump forms in my throat and I try to swallow. I’m starting to regret this.
“Honey, don’t worry. Let’s just start with a visit and we’ll see from there, okay? Grandma will come with you to visit. It’ll be an adventure! You can climb a mountain and scream when we get to top!”
Audrey’s eyes brighten and she laughs. “Really?”
“Really. I can’t wait to see you, I’ve missed you.”
“Me too, Mom.”
I lay back in bed and before I know it, I’ve been speaking to Audrey for almost an hour. She eases the stress in my soul and soon I’m laughing with her as she tells me about soccer camp and piano and all the things that an eight-year-old finds to talk about. When we hang up, I sigh and clutch the phone to my chest.
I hope she likes it here. I have to put aside my feelings for this town and for Ethan, and do what’s best for my daughter. No matter what happens in my life or in my job, she has to be the priority.