Chapter 8
“Most miserable bloody weeks of my life after that.” Adam turned the pages, scanning my sparse entries after that night.
I slid my hand around the nape of his neck and gave it a squeeze. “Me, too, honey.”
He lifted my hand from his neck and brought it around to give my knuckles an absentminded kiss. “The night at Jenna and Ed’s wedding was fucking torture.”
I agreed with him completely. We’d both taken dates. I went with Nicholas, just to be particularly annoying, and Adam had taken some random girl with him. Although I’d flitted around the wedding, acting my cheery self and steadfastly refusing to look Adam’s way, it was one of the most painful experiences of my life.
Adam threaded my fingers through his and rested our hands on his lap. “Here it is.” He held the diary up.
“What?” I frowned, trying to read my writing.
“I’m fast-forwarding to my wake-up call.”
Monday, December 17th
I’m writing this as quickly as I can because I can see Adam is about to rip the pen from my hand and use whatever means at his disposal to bring my attention back to him. Since I like the means he will use, I need to get this down. It’s been an utterly exhausting weekend but today I woke up feeling stronger than I have in a while. This morning I woke up to something beautiful, and I swear after the last week I’ve had, I didn’t think that was possible . . .
Focusing on a crack in my ceiling I attempted to push the fear and desperation back. There was this buried part of me that kept trying to push up and grip my chest from the inside out to pull me to it to whisper desolately, “I’m not ready to die.”
Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop . . .
I couldn’t think like that.
But it was what I’d been hiding from for months. When my doctor told me I needed glasses, I’d ignored my own instincts and focused on that solution with utter relief.
Still, the headaches kept coming and the exhaustion worsened as the anxiety I kept hidden from everyone grew.
I’d had a seizure in my kitchen. I was terrified but also strangely relieved as I sat in the hospital and waited for an MRI. I was sick to my stomach with fear, but relieved that I was going to know once and for all what the hell was wrong with me.
A tumor; a brain tumor.
I tried to catch my breath. We’d waited ten days for the results. It was a brain tumor and they wouldn’t tell me anything else. I had twenty-four hours of waiting to find out if I had brain cancer or not.
I wanted to handle it graciously, not just for me but for Braden and Mum and Clark and Hannah and Declan. I wanted to handle it graciously for Joss, knowing it would be difficult for her.
A tear slid down my cheek as I thought about Joss’s reaction. I’d watched the panic in her face and then she just shut down. She left me when I needed her the most.
Braden was furious and panicking about me and about her and trying not to. His anxiety was making me feel worse, so I told him to go and speak to Mum and Clark. Understanding I needed just a little time to myself, he gave me it.
I couldn’t think of the worst. I wouldn’t be like Joss. I mean, I wanted to be prepared, but I wasn’t a pessimist. And surely, I was too young. You never think something like this will happen to you. It feels like a dream; it’s so surreal, like you’re watching someone else’s life play out in a movie.
My phone rang and I turned my head on my pillow to eye it on my bedside table.
It was Adam.
I breathed through the tightness in my chest and reached for the phone. Since I landed in the hospital ten days prior, Adam had reneged on his unspoken promise to stay out of my life. He called me every day and came by to see me as much as he felt I’d let him get away with it. Too exhausted to fight him, I did let him get away with it.
“Hullo,” I answered and even I could tell I didn’t sound like myself.
There was a crackle down the line as he let out a heavy sigh. “Braden just called.”
I tensed, hearing the roughness in Adam’s voice, the brokenness in his tone. “Yeah.”
“God, Ellie,” he groaned as if in agony. “Sweetheart—”
“Don’t.” I shook my head and bit my lip to try and stem my emotions. As soon as I felt I could speak without crying, I continued, “We don’t know anything yet.”
“I know I need to come to you. I’ll be there in ten minutes.”
“No, don’t,” my voice was sharp as I sat up, my heart pounding at the thought of having him here to hold me through this. “I don’t want you to.”
“Fuck, Els.”
I winced at the hurt in his voice. “Please, Adam.”
“I need to. I need to be with you. I love you, Ellie. I’m fucking in love you.”
He was crying.
I’d never heard or seen him cry before. At his tears and outright confession, I started to cry harder and collapsed back on my pillow, squeezing the phone tight to my ear. Finally I whispered, “Just stay on the line with me, okay.”
Adam cleared his throat, his voice breaking as he replied, “Anything, baby.”
I sighed and snuggled deeper against my phone. “We don’t know anything,” I repeated.
“It could be nothing,” he added.
“Whatever it is, I’m going to fight it.”
“I’ll fight it with you.”
“Shh,” I hushed him softly. “No promises. Not like this.”
“I’m done wasting time, Els.”
I smiled sadly, too weary to go there. “Just waste a little more time for me. Please.”
He was a silent a while and then he replied quietly, “Only a little, baby. Only a little.”
***
Adam stayed on the phone with me for two hours and we hardly spoke at all. I just listened to him breathe as he listened to me breathe. We finally hung up when Braden returned, but Adam refused to let me say good-bye; it was the first time I heard undiluted fear in his voice when he begged me not to say that word.
It was a lot. It was huge. But it was one thing for him to admit to me again that he loved me, and an entirely different thing for him to admit that to Braden. I needed to get through this crisis before I could deal with me and Adam.
I watched television with Braden for a while, snuggled up into his side as he stroked my hair soothingly. Mum and Clark had gotten into a huge fight with him because they wanted to come to me, but Braden insisted there was nothing they could do right now and while I was stuck in limbo it would be best if I had peace and quiet and didn’t have to worry about how they were coping with this. I gave them a quick call so they could hear my voice and I could ask them to take me to my appointment the next day. They were okay at first but then suddenly Clark had to say a quick goodbye when Mum started to sob. Of course that set me off for a while, and then I calmed, and then as it got darker outside and the evening began to pass, the fear over what I might hear from the doctor the next day hit me.
Braden laid me back on my bed and curled my hand around a mug of hot water and whiskey. He sat on my bed as I drank it, and he watched me until my eyes finally fluttered closed.
They shot open at the sound of my bedroom floor creaking. I was curled up in a ball on my bed in the dark, and through the moonlight spilling in through the large window I saw Joss standing at the foot of my bed.
Surprised that she had come to me, but still gripped by hurt at her defection earlier, I gazed at her silently.
At a breathy gasp, my eyes grew wider as I realized Joss was crying. Joss. I knew she’d deserted me earlier because of the baggage she carried around about the deaths in her family. I’d known that on some level that fear had sent her running from me, but actually witnessing her tears, I realized it all meant that she cared about me. She was frightened of losing me.
The tears slipped down my cheeks and moved Joss to action. She crawled up onto my bed and as she settled in beside me, I turned on my back. Joss immediately rested her head on my shoulder and shifted closer to me. She took my hand and held it between both of hers.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“It’s okay,” I promised her and meant it. “You came back.”
“I love you, Ellie Carmichael. You’re going to get through this.”
I’d won the love and affection of someone as lost as Jocelyn Butler? For me that was a whole lot of light in a whole lot of darkness and it overwhelmed me. I tried to swallow my sobs as I whispered the truth back to her, “I love you, too, Joss.”
***
Braden had woken us up that morning and he’d made us breakfast. Even with the appointment with the neurosurgeon looming over me, I could tell something had gone horribly wrong with Joss and Braden. I discovered they’d broken up and I attempted not to feel guilty. I failed.
They’d clearly broken up because of me—because of Joss’s reaction to what was happening to me. Hearing Braden’s deadly cool voice with her and seeing the pain in Joss’s face, I wanted to intervene, I wanted to fix what I had inadvertently helped break, but they wouldn’t have it and I was ushered out of the room and into the shower.
At one point I heard their intense voices over the sound of the running water, and then a plate crashing followed by more shouting. Worried, I switched off the shower and clambered out, but the voices had quieted to a murmur. I pulled on a bathrobe, ready to put myself between them if need be.
Instead as I walked quietly down the hall I heard Braden confessing that he loved Joss and that he wasn’t going to stop fighting for her. He promised her that he would be relentless. The romantic in me almost passed out on the spot.
“You’re insane,” Joss said to him.
“No,” I disagreed, coming to a stop in the kitchen doorway, giving them a smile. “He’s fighting for what he wants.”
“He’s not the only one.”
I turned my head in shock at the sound of the familiar voice, and watched with a pounding heart as Adam strode toward me. He looked like hell with dark circles under his bloodshot eyes.
Tired and unshaven, he was still absolutely beautiful, and the way he was gazing at me, like I was something precious just dancing out of his arm’s reach, was absolutely beautiful.
When he stopped before me he took my hand and raised it to his mouth, squeezing his eyes closed as he pressed a kiss against it. My breath caught as he opened his eyes and I saw the tears from yesterday were back again, shimmering in their depths. I also knew from the determined fire blazing in his expression that he had really meant it when he said he’d only waste a little more time for me. As in, less than twenty-four hours.
That’s why when he tugged me by the hand and drew me into the kitchen as he faced up to Braden, I let him. I knew that in a few hours I’d discover whether or not I had the biggest fight of my life on my hands, and even after everything, the only person I wanted fighting by my side was Adam Gerard Sutherland. We had a history, and I wanted to keep adding years to that history.
“I need to tell you something,” Adam faced Braden and I could feel the tension vibrating from his body.
He was doing it. He was really willing to risk it for me.
I squeezed his hand tighter.
Braden crossed his arms over his chest, his eyes moving from Adam to me and then back to Adam again and I knew he knew but he wasn’t going to make it easy. “Go on.”
“You’re like a brother to me. I would never do anything to hurt you. And I know I haven’t been what a brother would consider good material for his wee sister, but I love Ellie, Braden. I have for a long time now, and I can’t not be with her. I’ve wasted too much time as it is.”
I don’t think either of us breathed at all as we waited for Braden’s response. After a minute’s contemplation, he finally turned to me, his gaze softening. “Do you love him?”
Adam looked back at me and I was surprised to find a glint of insecurity in his eyes. Silly man. I gripped his arm tighter to reassure him and then smiled at my brother. “Yes.”
And then quite casually, as if Adam and I weren’t tied up in knots over his possible reaction, Braden just shrugged and leaned over to switch on the kettle. “About bloody time. You two were giving me a headache.”
My muscles tensed in reaction. He’d known all this time? Adam and I had put ourselves through pain and heartbreak these last few months and Braden had known all along how we felt about one another . . .
“You really are a know-it-all pain-in-the-ass,” Joss said for the three of us. She pushed past Braden and stopped to say more softly, “I’m happy for you,” to me and Adam before she flounced down the hall to the bathroom.
Braden laughed softly. “She loves me, really.”
The bathroom door slammed at that and Braden laughed again. Adam narrowed his eyes on him. “I hope she puts you through hell, you cocky bastard.”
Braden smirked and shifted his gaze to me. “I had to make sure you were willing to fight for her. She’s worth the fight.”
Adam sighed and put his arm around my shoulder, drawing me into his side so he could kiss the top of my head. “I know that better than anyone.”
I closed my eyes and inhaled, thanking whatever divine being out there that had added another glimmer of light into my darkness.
***
For a moment I just lay there, my smile pressed into my pillow. Not only had I awoken to the heat of Adam curled into my back, his forehead pressed against my nape in sleep, his heavy arm draped across my waist, and his right leg caught in between mine, but I’d awoken to the lightness of relief. I’d awoken feeling stronger than I had done in what had felt like a very long time.
Although I knew from the look on his face he wanted to come with me, Adam remained at my flat—along with Braden, Joss, Hannah, and Dec—while Mum and Clark accompanied me to my appointment with the neurosurgeon.
Dr. Dunham was a pleasant man in his early forties who shunted the fear of God out of me and my parents with five words: “There’s nothing to worry about.” He assured us that the cause of the physical symptoms was actually a large cyst attached to two very small tumors, and the cyst was causing pressure. He told us it had to be removed and because of its placement—on the surface of my brain—there was very little risk to the surgery. He’d also told us that there was little chance of the tumors proving to be cancerous, but that they’d be sent off for biopsies to be sure. He’d scheduled me in for surgery in two weeks’ time. While I was scared as all hell about going under the knife, the relief of knowing that there was a massive chance I was fighting a small fight and not one for my life was still overwhelming and draining.
When I’d returned home to give everyone the optimistic news, Adam had surprised me by kissing me right there in front of my parents. I was even more surprised to discover they weren’t the least bit shocked. Afterward, we’d all gone next door to the pub to gather our thoughts and try to unwind from what had been the most horrendous twenty-four hours I’d ever remembered experiencing. I sat in the pub with Adam on one side and Hannah curled into me on the other, and, despite everything, I felt incredibly lucky as I gazed around at my friends and family.
Mum and Clark eventually took Hannah and Dec home, Braden reluctantly left to give Joss some space, and Joss disappeared, to give me and Adam some space. We ordered some takeaway, which I ravenously ate when we got back to my flat.
Adam and I hung out on my bed and talked for a little while, but there was so much to talk about it and I was too exhausted to give us the focus we needed. It seemed Adam was, too, because he disappeared with our leftovers and returned only to cuddle up to me in the bed and reach out to switch off the light.
When I awoke to soft morning sun pouring in through my curtains, I was feeling strong and ready to take on anything, and Adam Sutherland was spooning me.
It was kind of beautiful.
I felt his hair tickle my neck as he moved and his arm snaked across my waist. “You awake, baby?” he murmured, sleep making his voice extra sexy.
My grin got bigger. “Yeah.” I lightly caressed his forearm. “You know in all the years I’ve known you, I’ve never slept near you. You make noises.”
I felt his chest move behind me in laughter. “Noises?”
Twisting around, so I could look into his eyes, I grinned up into his face as he leaned over me. “You make ‘mmm’ noises.”
Adam grinned back at me. “What are ‘mmm’ noises?”
“You know ‘mmm’ noises. Like when something tastes or sounds good.”
He grimaced. “Like ‘yum’ noises?”
“Exactly, but you say, ‘mmm . . . ’”
“I think I just took a hit to my masculinity.”
I burst out laughing and stroked his jaw. “Don’t worry. I liked it. I just imagined the ‘mmms’ were for me.”
I turned over and Adam wrapped his arms tighter around me as he pulled my leg over his hip. His eyes grew drowsy and heated as he stared at my mouth. “They were for you.”
“How could they be for me if you didn’t even know you make them?”
“Because I dream about you,” he answered instantly and I stilled in surprise. He felt it and gave me a squeeze. “I’ve been having these dreams about you for a few years now.”
“What am I doing in them?” I asked somewhat breathlessly. There was a rising tide of warmth in my chest, and an even hotter heat tingling between my legs at his confession.
His hand slid down my waist to caress my bum and then he pulled my lower body against his and I could feel his morning erection pressing against me. I felt my nipples tighten in reaction, and drew in a breath. “Sometimes we’re making love, other times we’re fucking.”
I lifted my eyes to his, my smile dimming. “I don’t like that word.”
His mouth twitched. “You think it’s unromantic.”
He knew me too well. I shrugged unsurely.
“Els, wanting to fuck you doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”
Needing more clarification, I slid my hands down from his face and settled them lightly on his chest. “What does it mean?”
His voice was hoarse now, “When I want to fuck you it means I’m in the mood for rough and hard.”
To my utter shock his words were turning me on. I squirmed a little against him and felt my cheeks flush. “I don’t think I’ve ever been . . . ” I still wasn’t sure if I could say the word. I’d admonished Joss so many times for using it because it was so tawdry sounding but when Adam put it like that.
“Say it,” he whispered across my mouth. “I want to hear it from your sweet mouth, baby.”
I gulped and bravely met his eyes. “I’ve—I’ve never been fucked,” I whispered.
If it was possible he grew even harder against me and when his hand slipped between our bodies and beneath my underwear, his fingers thrusting gently but easily into me, Adam groaned. “Baby . . . ” he leaned into me, his mouth brushing mine, his tongue just touching the tip of mine. “I think you like the thought of me fucking you.”
In response I kissed him. It was a deep kiss, one I meant to encourage him, but instead it turned soulful and desperate.
Adam rolled me onto my back, pressing my legs apart so he could settle between them, and when he broke our kiss it was to look into my eyes with such adoration I couldn’t breathe. “I’m not going to fuck you this morning, baby. This morning I’m going to make love to you. We’ll leave the rest until you’re recovered and at full strength.” His eyes darkened with promise. “You’re going to need it.”
I grinned up at him, suddenly realizing that Adam was here, in my arms, talking about our future together. It was a thirteen-year-old dream come true. “You have no idea how much I love you.”
He nodded slowly, pushing my nighty up my body. “As much as I love you.”
It was the first time he’d said it that I could allow myself to really feel it. Those three words poured out of him and pooled in my chest. As I raised my nighty over my head, lying almost naked for his perusal, I smiled shyly up at him. “You know, I don’t mind what we do this morning. You can do whatever you want to me.”
To my surprise this caused Adam to groan and he dropped his head on my shoulder.
“Baby?”
He turned his cheek and pressed a kiss to my bare skin, his hands coasting up my ribs to cup my breasts. I arched into his touch with a sigh as he replied, “How did I get so lucky? Smart, funny, sweet, beautiful, passionate—and she tells me I can do anything I want to her . . . ” He chuckled now. “There has to be a catch.” I blushed deeply and Adam smiled. “Fuck, I forgot modest.”
“Stop it.” I pushed playfully at his shoulders but really I needed him to stop or I was going to start crying.
He laughed again, the rumbling against my chest doing happy things to me down south. Adam gave my shoulder another quick kiss and sat up, straddling me as he pulled off his T-shirt. I drank my fill of him, biting my lip as my eyes took him in. I’d forgotten how beautiful he was—broad shoulders and lean muscles. Abs to die for.
His eyes never left me as his hands went to the buckle on his belt. I shivered with anticipation as he drew the zipper on his jean down. “This morning I’m making love to you because our first time should be about that. Plus, no matter how great you’re feeling, and I can tell you’re feeling a lot better, your body must still be exhausted. We’re taking it nice and slow.” He pushed down his jeans and underwear and my breathing stuttered as his erection sprang free, jutting up and out, hard and throbbing. Now I knew why the bugger was so confident. He was walking around with that in his trousers.
“You’re making ‘mmm’ noises,” Adam told me with laughter in his voice as he turned to shimmy his jeans clean off.
“I am not!” I protested, blushing again, and realizing I’d been so lost in staring at him that there was a great possibility I had been making ‘mmm’ noises.
“You were. It’s fucking adorable.” He reached for my underwear. I tilted my hips to help him ease them down my legs, and as he did he stopped every now and then to kiss my bare skin. He pushed my left knee up and I watched him with growing heat coiling in the pit of my stomach as he trailed kisses up my calf, across my knee, and along my inner thigh. “Your legs go on forever,” he whispered, his eyes lifting to meet mine. “I can’t wait to have them wrapped around me while I’m inside you.”
“Adam . . . ” I was completely at his mercy.
I repeated his name when his head descended between my legs and his tongue licked gently at my clit. He worked me with his mouth, kissing and licking and sucking until I came fast and hard against him.
I was still crying out to God as Adam kissed his way up my stomach and then stopped to draw my nipple into his hot mouth. He played with me a while, all the time murmuring compliments and words of love, until eventually I was wound so tight I begged him to come inside me.
At the pressure of him between my legs, I tensed momentarily. Feeling it, Adam threaded his fingers through mine and held my hands down on the bed while he stared into my eyes, anchoring me to him in every way he could. His lips parted on exhalation as he pushed inside me and sank deep. I gasped and lifted my hips in instinct causing a delicious frisson of pleasure through us both. Adam studied me, his expression tender. “I love you, Ellie Carmichael,” he whispered, his words heavy with sincerity.
I nodded and moved my hips again, panting slightly as I replied, “I love you, Adam.”
His grip on my hands became almost painful and he slid out of me nearly entirely before gliding back inside. I undulated against him, and we caught a wave, a slow rhythm that grew and grew until I was desperate for the finale. My legs were wrapped around him now, my thighs squeezing him tighter, begging for more.
“Adam,” I cried out, pushing against his hands, wanting to touch him, wanting to grasp him against me. “Harder, please.”
He growled low in his throat and he pulled out only to slam back into me. I started murmuring nonsense, mostly saying the word “Yes” over and over again as he continued to slam into me.
“Come for me, Els,” he demanded, his eyes on my face. “Come for me, baby.”
And like I’d been prone to doing for years, I gave him what he wanted. The rhythm hit its crescendo and I broke apart with a scream as Adam pressed his cheek to mine and tensed. I floated around in post-orgasmic space and he shuddered hard against me as he came.
We were both panting heavily, both clammy with sweat. I grinned up at the ceiling. That was what happened when you had the most amazing sex of your life. “Wow,” I whispered, sliding my arms around his back now that he’d let my hands go.
Adam lifted his cheek from mine, his features relaxed with satisfaction. His dark eyes, however, were glittering intensely. “Wow doesn’t even cover it,” he replied. “Been waiting my whole life for that.”
I bit my lip because hearing that was so nice, I wanted to cry.
He picked up on my emotions, smiled, and gave me a soft kiss. When he pulled back he frowned. “That was a bit of both.”
“What?” I frowned back at him in confusion.
“I started out making love to you but it’s your fault I ended up fucking you.”
“My fault?”
“Adam,” his voice went amusingly breathy as he imitated me, “‘Harder, please.’” He shook his head as I laughed. “I’m a man of great self-control but that . . . ”
I squeezed my thighs around him again in delight. “Are you admitting I have power over you, Adam Gerard Sutherland?”
His eyebrows puckered together as he shook his head in denial, a shake that quickly turned to a nod as I giggled beneath him. He closed his eyes in what appeared to be pleasured pain and suddenly he captured me around the waist and flipped us so he was on his back and I was lying on top of him. He held me close and I relaxed against him. I understood: He just needed to hold me for a moment and remember I was okay.
Once again I was overwhelmed by the realization that he was in love with me. I smiled and snuggled closer to him.
After a while he murmured, “You’re on the pill, right?”
“Shouldn’t you have asked that before you took me oh so wildly?”
He grinned up at me. “I wasn’t really thinking about anything but the need to take you oh so wildly.”
“Well, not to worry. I’m on the pill,” I assured him and settled back on his chest.
“Wouldn’t have mattered anyway,” he murmured, stroking my hair.
I tensed. “Meaning?”
“Meaning if an accident happened, it wouldn’t matter. An accident with you is a kid with you.”
Shock held me completely frozen as I processed this. How many times had I heard Braden joking with Adam about how terrified he was of getting a girl pregnant? It was one of the reasons Braden suspected Adam never slept with the same girl twice. In his twisted male logic, he thought it meant it lessened the chance of an accident, or at least it lessened the chance of a girl liking him so much she’d force an accident.
“You’d want a baby with me?” My throat croaked on the question.
I felt his knuckles brush down my spine in a caress that made me shiver to the tips of my toes. “Ellie, I want everything with you.”
Tears glimmering in my eyes I lifted my head and replied softly, gratefully, “I never knew you could be so romantic.”
Adam’s lips twitched in response and he shook his head against the pillow. “I’m not, but I reckon I’d do anything for you and since that has included sitting through more romantic comedies any man should have to endure, I know you’re a romantic. I just want you happy. I’ve got a lot to make up for.” He brushed my hair back from my face. “And you make it easy.” He pulled lightly on a strand of hair, his expression suddenly serious. “But if you breathe one word of it to your brother, or anybody for that matter, there will be consequences.”
I smiled and shook my head. “I won’t tell, I promise. I like knowing something about you no one else does.”
“Then we’re even.”
“How do you mean?”
He flipped me again and I squealed with laughter as he wrestled me back on the bed. Once he had me captured with my legs wrapped around his waist, he kissed me and drew back to murmur, “I’m the only one who knows sweet little Ellie Carmichael likes it when I talk dirty.”
Once again I felt my skin flush with embarrassment, but I didn’t contradict him. I couldn’t because he was so damn right.