Chapter Four

Maddie

Everything just seemed off to me. I knew I was suffering from amnesia, and that Isaac continued to tell me it was normal to feel the way I’d been feeling, but I still wasn’t convinced.

I was dressed and ready to go see my doctor for the follow-up appointment, but I needed a moment to collect my thoughts. My eyes scanned the guest room, looking at the small trinkets that Isaac said were mine. They were supposedly so special that I’d brought them with me on this trip, my alleged last trip. If the little brass unicorn was so special, how come I didn’t feel any connection to it? Something about the music box triggered a feeling, but not quite a memory. I picked it up, holding it in the palm of my hand, and turned the old key with my fingers. A melody played, one I knew I recognized, but couldn’t quite get myself to remember. The tune made me sad, anxious, and a little angry.

My clothes were hanging in the closet, just a few. It didn’t look like I packed to stay, more like I’d packed in a rush with no real matching outfits, and only enough to last a few days.

Nothing in the house looked as if it were mine. It looked like a man lived here alone, not like a man who was ready to move in his fiancée. The ring on my finger fit perfectly, and the diamond was large and beautiful. I knew it had to cost quite a bit, so he obviously loved me very much.

Guilt began to spread through my body once again, realizing this must be just as hard for Isaac. What it must be like to have the woman you love, the one who you planned to marry, just completely forget you.

Knock, knock.

“You ready to go? We’re gonna be late,” Isaac called through the thick wooden door.

“I’ll be right out,” I responded.

I took a few more moments to convince myself that this was all normal before I left the safety of my room.

Isaac was in the kitchen, sipping on a cup of coffee. “How are you feeling?” he asked.

“I’m just anxious about the visit,” I admitted. “It’s been over a week since I’ve been here, and almost two since the accident. Shouldn’t I remember something by now?” I pleaded.

Isaac leaned against the counter, his frame solid and tight. It was obvious he spent time on his body, ensuring it was muscular and appealing. He told me I was a yoga instructor, and my own body proved to be very fit, so I didn’t argue, even though it didn’t feel right. I’d been doing yoga every morning for the last week, but it didn’t feel natural.

“This is all normal,” Isaac assured me for the countless time. I knew he had to be sick of my whining, but I couldn’t help it. I wanted desperately to know who I was, who he was, and to remember our life together.

He smiled warmly as he moved towards me. His thick, muscular arms wrapped around me, giving me that sensation of safety once they were tightened around my small frame. There was a strange familiarity that struck me as he held me in his arms, one that I couldn’t quite pull into an actual memory. “Things will get better. I promise,” Isaac whispered in my ear.

I had already left my job, was planning to move here with him to start our life together, and had no family left I really knew and for some reason no friends, so a part of me tried to convince my heart that it didn’t matter if I never remembered. Isaac was all I had, and he was here, his arms holding me, keeping me safe, that’s all that mattered.

He leaned out, loosening his embrace. Damn, his eyes sent shivers down my spine and caused my breasts to tingle. There had to be something between us that was great; my body’s reaction to his touch proved that.

“We better go,” I whispered, pulling away from what I felt was an impending kiss. I wasn’t ready. Even though my body reacted, wanting it, wanting him, I couldn’t. Not yet.

Disappointment filled his eyes, and the guilt I dreaded filled my mind. It’s just a kiss, one simple kiss. He is the man I loved, the one I would marry; what was the big deal?

I shook off the guilt, telling myself that my memory would need to return before I kissed him. He may be my fiancé, but he is still a stranger.

“I’m sorry,” I uttered.

“It’s okay. I understand. No pressure,” Isaac comforted me with a friendly pat on the shoulder. Damn, now it’s like we’re just old pals, roommates, not lovers at all. I knew I was going to have to get ready soon, otherwise I’d end up losing him, the only one I had in the entire world.

I played with the stereo in the Escalade as we drove to the hospital, finally stopping on a classical music station. It made me happy, at ease, and I suddenly felt a connection with myself. “I like classical music,” I announced cheerfully.

Isaac nodded and smirked in my direction. “I was hoping you’d convert to rock,” he laughed.

“So, you knew I like classical music?” I pushed, slightly irritated he didn’t tell me.

“The doctor said not to push anything on you, to allow you to find your own way,” he stated firmly.

Yes, that is what the doctor said. I wasn’t going to let my irritation take away the fact I’d finally found something out about myself. This was a huge breakthrough.

“This thing is destroying the planet,” I sighed, pushing back into the leather seat. Isaac laughed, loudly and with a strange high pitch. “What?” I questioned, beginning to laugh myself.

“You’re gonna be just fine,” he smiled.

He explained that I was always trying to save the earth and everything on it. It was nice to feel as though my identity was returning, even if I didn’t feel a true connection to it.

Walking into the hospital gave me a sensation of comfort. The path we traveled to get back to the fourth floor was the same one I’d traveled to leave it. Everything was familiar, making me feel safe and secure.

Dr. Morris greeted me with a cheerful smile, his dark eyes filled with hope. “I’ve still not remembered anything,” I groaned, realizing I was crushing his hope.

“Nothing?” he asked, his head tilting like that wasn’t normal at all.

“She’s starting to,” Isaac piped in, reminding me about the classical music, and the comment about his gas guzzling truck.

Dr. Morris seemed pleased with those revelations and began questioning me on my daily routine. It was simple, boring, and didn’t feel like mine at all. I explained the situation as Isaac had explained it to me, that I didn’t live here, that I’d given up my career as a yoga instructor, and that I didn’t have anything to trigger my memory. “Maybe you two should take a trip to Portland,” he suggested.

I liked that suggestion. I wanted to be around my belongings and my life. This didn’t sound like it was mine, so how could it ever trigger a memory?

Isaac seemed distraught. “I’ll work on making that happen,” he said, but he didn’t seem too convincing.

Dr. Morris assured me everything was normal at this rate, that it was still early. The accident had left damage to my brain, but nothing that wasn’t repairable with time and avoidance of stress. Stress? Yeah, that’s all I feel anymore; well, that and guilt.

“So, have you thought about trying yoga to jog your memory?” the doctor asked.

“I have, but it just didn’t seem like it was my thing. I struggled with some of the moves, to be honest,” I admitted, feeling as though that was a sign of weakness that my body forgot what it had been trained to do so well before. Maybe I wasn’t that good as an instructor.

“You obviously exercise. Try going to the gym; maybe the environment will help,” the doctor suggested.

I watched Isaac’s eyes shift as he spoke. There was something strange about how he was acting, almost as if he didn’t want me to remember.

“There is a gym not far from Isaac’s house,” I noted, unable to call it my house or ours, because it wasn’t.

“There ya go,” he said with a smile.

Isaac had stayed home from work the first couple days, but for the last few he’d been leaving to go to the office. He was never gone long, but it did give me time to possibly head to the gym and do something on my own. I agreed with the doctor, felt relief that my memory not returning wasn’t a sign of permanent damage, and felt hopeful that I’d get back to Portland to possibly find something familiar.