chapter five
“BEFORE WE DO that, I have to ask. You’re sure you’re okay?” Noah’s voice was soft.
She shook her head. Her body was still tense, arms wrapped around herself as if they were the only things holding her together. "The lights went dark. Someone tried to put a hand over my mouth. And the next thing I knew, Matthias had me in a closet. It was pandemonium and we couldn't get out, so he locked us in a closet with his gun trained on the door.”
Noah cursed low under his breath. "The kid did good."
She glared up at him. "He's no kid, Noah. I mean, you should have seen the look in his eyes. He was ready to kill whoever tried to hurt me. I’ve never seen him like that. Who is he? That guy out there," she pointed in the direction of the door. "He's no kid. He is not at all the guy I thought he was. What happened to sweet, affable Matthias? Computer nerd. You know the guy who can't say no to me? At the show, he was lethal. Deadly. I didn't even recognize him."
Noah sighed and spoke quietly. "That's kind of the point of having a bodyguard. It's better when they seem unassuming. But don't mistake Matthias for your favorite plush toy. The kid is dangerous." He slid his glance away from her. "We all are."
Matthias more than some, Noah thought. He would have to talk to him.
He worked hard to keep Matthias away from violence usually. The kid went to the dark and scary places too easily. He always worried he’d pulled Matthias out too late. That ORUS had already broken him. Tainted him. Turned him into the kind of killer that didn't even think. But they’d have that conversation another time. Right now, Matthias had done his job. He’d protected Lucia. Put himself between her and a bullet … or worse. That was all that mattered. Or at least that was all that mattered to Noah. Lucia, on the other hand, was furious.
"Noah, you didn't see what I saw. I swear to God, he would've shot me somewhere nonlethal if he thought that would shut me up and get me to comply. I've never seen him like that before."
Noah knew she had to come around on her own. She and Matthias would have to talk about it. "He did his job. And right now, all I am is grateful."
A shudder tore through her body, and all Noah wanted to do was pull her close, take her against him, tell her everything would be all right. But that was a lie. Because nothing was all right, and it wasn't going to be until he found a way to stop this hit.
"Noah, I just want some answers. And then I want to sleep. Sleep for a very long time."
He didn't know when he decided to do it. Tell her the truth. All he knew was in that moment she held herself together by sheer will and arms that were too thin. So he told her everything.
"Lucia, I know how much you loved Rafe. And I wish to God every day that he was here. But there was a side to Rafe you didn't know. He’s the one who trained me. The one who was my mentor. He taught me everything I know. How to be the best assassin. How to be the quietest assassin. He taught me how to talk my way into and out of places. He taught me how to sneak in silently and never leave a trace of myself behind.”
When he finally glanced over at her face, she stared at him, mouth agape.
"So what are you saying? That Rafe was some kind of killer?"
Noah paused. He wanted to be honest with her. Tell her as much as he could, but he had to find a way to keep her safe. To not compromise her.
"Yes. I will tell you as much as I can. I won’t tell you the organization we worked for. I'm probably telling you way too much as it is. Do you understand the stakes now? This isn't a matter of me playing games with you, or keeping you in the dark. It's a matter of me trying my damnedest to keep you alive. I'm doing anything it takes to manage that."
She stared at him. "Rafe killed people?"
Noah swallowed hard. Then gave her a brusque nod. “And so do I. At least I used to. I left the organization shortly after Rafe's death. We were supposed to be doing things for a good cause. Taking out the worst of the worst. But after my friend, my mentor, was gone, I just couldn't anymore. As part of my negotiation for release in my contract, I took Matthias with me. In so many ways, the kid is just like me. Too good at killing. Too good at being dark."
Lucia shook her head. “I don't understand any of this."
He shoved his hands in his pockets and started pacing. He couldn't stand still and wait, watching for the hatred and derision to cross her face. So he walked the length of the room.
"When I was sixteen, I was mostly on my own. Technically I was still considered a ward of the state. They had me listed as being in a foster home but about that point, I discovered that the foster homes were more likely to kill me than being on the street. So as often as I could, I made my escape."
She frowned. “Where were the people that were supposed to protect you?"
He shrugged. "Unfortunately in the foster care system, those people are few and far between. And they’re so overwhelmed with their caseloads, paying attention when one sixteen-year-old spends more time on the streets than he does with the family that’s supposed to be feeding him is hard." He shook his head. "Anyway, I was what you would call a petty thief. I was real good with sleight-of-hand. Real good with distractions. And women. I was a terror. I recognized young that women got a little hung up on my face. It made them easy marks. All I had to do was dress nice. Show the lady a little attention and then I’d have the contents of her purse in no time. Sleight-of-hand here, a little misdirection there, and I was usually in and out without anyone being the wiser. I stayed away from things like burglary and other things that could go wrong, but I was still nothing but a common thief."
Noah kept walking; he didn't dare stop to watch her face. He didn't dare stop to see what she thought of him now. He just kept moving.
"One night I was supposed to be doing a job with some friends in the theater district, but they hadn't showed. They probably got a bigger score and didn’t want to cut me in. So I crossed a couple of avenues, was going to do the job on my own, but in the back of this alleyway next to this Chinese restaurant, I heard a groan. It sounded like someone was in a world of hurt. Normally you learn quick and early to avoid those kinds of sounds, and honestly, I don't know what made me stop that night. But I did. And I found Ian."
Lucia frowned. "Who's Ian?"
"He's the one who told me you’re in danger. He's also the man responsible for turning me into a killer. Sure, it wasn't by his hand directly. But saving him that night put me on a particular path. One I didn't quite know how to get off of. One I didn't want to get off of."
"He was an assassin, too?"
Noah nodded. "He got hurt on the job. I won’t bore you with the details but I dragged him to a safe place to lie low. My friends and I would use it to stash the stolen goods we usually grabbed. It was an abandoned studio no one ever went to. The building was pretty much condemned. I don't even know how I managed it because he was in a bad way.
“But I managed to half-carry, half-drag him over there. I kept an eye on him. He had some nasty knife wounds. But he walked me through the whole first-aid thing. It was my first battle triage." He shrugged. “It wouldn’t be my last. Anyway, I brought him food and water for the next couple of days after. Once he was on the mend, he asked for my help to get him to a safe house. From there, my life completely changed. Rafe was assigned as my partner. Assigned to teach me, to look out for me. Honestly, I don't think your brother was too enthusiastic about that at first. But then he sort of took to it. I guess he already had practice being a big brother to you."
She shook her head. "I still can’t get over the fact that you're telling me that you and my brother were assassins."
"I don't want to tell you any of this. I know how you already look at me. I know how you’ll look at me when I finish telling you everything. I’m doing that with eyes wide open because right now, if I don't tell you, you won’t be able to protect yourself if you need to."
She stared at him. "So what happened to Rafe? I know that you were the one who shot him. But why? If he was like your brother, why would you kill him? Why do that to me? To Nonna?"
Noah stopped directly in front of her. He sat on the edge of the bed so he could meet her gaze. "That day I had a target. And so you know, I won’t be using names right now. I'm trying to keep you as shielded from this I can. The target was a major player in a drug cartel. Until then, no one had been able to get close enough to take either him or his boss out. The word was that the head of the cartel was no longer the man in charge, but rather a puppet. Word was that our target was the real man in charge.
“The way my former employers used to work, when a government organization couldn't do the legal thing, they’d call us to do the shadow thing. All I knew was that I had my orders. For years, everyone had been trying to get in with the cartel leader. And I finally found an easy way in. His daughter. That part was easier than I thought. She was young. About my age when I started. Seventeen, barely. I managed to talk my way into her school when they were having a sports day. Hundreds of students from other schools were there. It was easy to get past the security. I chatted her up, and the next thing she knew, we were dating. Just a few weeks, all very innocent. But she wanted me to meet her father, and that was my in. It was a risk, sending me in with a gun. So, we managed it with a 3-D one. For several days, I sent her presents with parts of the gun hidden in the boxes and the wrappings. When I finally went to her house, I asked her to bring me everything I had sent her, including the specially made bullets. None of it was metal, so even if the security guards used the wand metal detector on me, they wouldn’t have found it. It was brilliant."
The horror froze on Lucia's face. "But Noah, you could've been killed.”
"I am very well aware of that. In truth, I had no business being there. I’d done more than a few jobs with Rafe. That's how we worked, two-man teams. When one fell, there was a backup built-in.”
He tried not to take her shuddering too personally. It was a wonder she wasn’t running away from him with her hair on fire.
"I begged the higher-ups in the organization for solo jobs. I wanted to prove myself. Everyone kept talking about how much of a natural I was. How good I was at all of it. You needed someone to run a deception plan; I was your guy. You wanted someone to run surveillance; I was good at not being seen. You name it, I could be that guy. And I wanted to prove myself. In our organization, failure was not tolerated. I wanted to show my worth outside of Rafe. So I volunteered. In truth it was too big a job for just one of us. It should have been a two-man job. I was no doubt going to get myself killed. But I didn’t see it that way. Get in, take out the target, and get out. All I had to do was finish the job." Noah hung his head in shame. “I was cocky. That's what got your brother killed.”
"Why did you shoot him?" Her voice quivered.
Before Noah knew what was happening, the sorrow and grief he’d been holding back all this time bubbled to the surface. His eyes stung and he worked to hold back the tears. But they wouldn't be dammed. He had to get it all out. He had to tell her the truth.
"I honestly don't know what happened. It was simple. The plan was go in with the girl, which I managed. Meet her father. Stick around. It was his birthday celebration. Take out the target, egress through to the south side where there was a boat waiting. Simple. But that's not how it worked out.”
“What went wrong?”
“Sure, I made it in the house. Sure, I met her father. While everyone was drinking and laughing at his 70th birthday party, I had my target in sight. He’d slipped away from the party. I followed him. I'd already taken care of the cameras, so no one would see me in the security feed. What I didn't count on was Rafe. I didn't count on him coming into the courtyard and stepping in front of my bullet. He didn't want me to do it. I can still hear him screaming, ‘No. Noah don't.’"
He shook his head. "I hear that over and over and over again. I never understood why. But I was in such a hurry to prove myself. No, in a hurry to prove that I could do the job. That I deserved every chance to come my way. I had a target. Our targets were the scum of the earth. I was doing my job. I was being the good soldier." He sighed. "Or so I thought. I never expected Rafe to jump in front of that gun. I never expected that bullet to hit him. It's a nightmare I live with every single day. Seeing my best friend go down. Seeing the man who trained me, the man who loved me like a brother or father would. Knowing I was the one responsible."
Lucia sat forward. "What happened from there? All I know is that I shot you. I don't remember anything else."
"After I shot Rafe, my target was on the run. He immediately started to bolt, and I should've gone after him but I couldn't. I couldn't leave my best friend lying there. Before I could even move there was the crack of another gunshot, but this one came from the wrong direction. A direction I didn't expect. That one came from you.”
“I’d followed him. I heard the gunshots,” she whispered.
“With the pain of the bullet, I knew that I absolutely deserved what was happening. But then in my peripheral vision, I saw that it was you. I knew there was no way Rafe would've wanted you to see what you'd seen. He wouldn’t have wanted you anywhere near that mess. By that time, the gunshots had alerted the guards and they were coming toward us. I couldn't let them find you." He glanced at her and then dropped his head into his hands. "I saw you collapse. I knew your brother was gone, so I went directly for you. I had to keep you safe. It's what he would have wanted. He wouldn’t want those monsters with their hands on you."
Lucia shuddered again, her eyes going vacant while her mind tried to put the pieces together. "Oh my God. You made sure I got home?"
He nodded solemnly. "I failed my mission. And Rafe was down. I’d hit him dead center mass with three bullets. I’d fucked up. But I could get to you. So I made the choice; I chose you instead of Rafe. I took you to the south side, to my exit. I knew my people would be looking for me. Wanting to know what happened, switching the boat to the opposite side of the island. You were so out of it. Complete and total shock. I wasn’t sure if you knew what was happening. You were practically catatonic at that point. I didn't know what else to do, so I took you to the safest place I could think of. The ice cream place at the Wingate Hotel. That was where one of the island’s only payphones was. I called the police, and I called the Feds for you. As soon as you were safe I went back for him. But the place was already crawling with cops. From that point on, all I could do was follow the usual protocol— get back on my egress route, and have my people get me out of there. But I made sure you were safe first."
Lucia dragged in shallow breaths. "I couldn’t remember any of it. I blocked it all out. For years, I asked you what happened."
He swiped at his eyes. "I’m so sorry I had to lie to you. I was terrified you’d wake up one day and remember everything. Remember that I was there. That I was the one who shot Rafe. That I was the one who took you away. But you didn't. Even after your time with the therapist. I tried to stay away from you, I did. I swear to God. I tried to just look out for you the best that I could but every time I turned around, you were there, insisting I speak to you. You were calling me, asking for advice, telling me when Nonna needed something, and inviting me to dinner. And the guilt turned. I could do for you what I had failed to do for Rafe. I could protect you. I could step in as big brother. I could keep you from harm. It was the least I could do for him."
"All that time? Why did you even save me?"
"Isn’t that obvious by now? I have loved you since long before I knew that it was hazardous to my health. Deviating from the plan was necessary to keep you out of the crosshairs of the people that I worked for. At the time, no one seemed to notice the delay from me making my egress route to calling back to home base. The only person who noticed was Matthias. He didn't say a word. He protected you, too. It was one of the reasons I pulled him out of there. I knew he could be trusted."
Noah watched her closely, worried. She looked a little green around the gills, like she might throw up.
"Lucia, that's everything. I’m not lying to you. I know you don't believe me, and I have no right to ask for your forgiveness. I tore this rift between us, and I have no idea how to rectify it. Not that I can. All I can do is what Rafe would want. Which is to keep you out of harm's way."
"Were you ever going to tell me any of this?”
She spoke so softly he wasn’t sure he'd heard her correctly.
"I wish I didn’t have to tell you now. The people I used to work for, they’re ruthless. I don’t want you anywhere near that part of my life. But things are out of my hands now. That guy they sent to your apartment, they aren’t fucking around. I've managed to avoid a war with them for a long time. But that truce was broken the moment they started coming after you. If they want war, I'll take one to them."
"Why did you start staying with me? Wouldn't it have been better for you to stay away?" She didn’t sound upset about it, merely perplexed.
He cleared his throat. "It would have been so much safer to stay in the periphery of your life. But I couldn't. Because I cared too much. That was my mistake. And now it will probably cost you your life."
"You, Noah Blake, you could have had any woman. Why me? Was that part of the plan? To keep me from remembering? To keep me so distracted with your general assholery and eventually so weak with good sex that my brain never worked?"
His head snapped up. "I wanted you long before I even knew what to do with you. What's been happening over the last couple of months—I haven't been able to fight that any more than I could not protect you. To me, this is real. But I never wanted this, who I am, to touch you. This was never supposed to be part of your world. I know I'm not good enough for you. And now you know it too."
They sat like that for a long moment— Noah with his hands covering his face. Lucia watching him. When she finally spoke again, her voice was mellow.
"I always felt there was something with us. Even when I couldn't recognize it. Back then, after he died? I knew there was something about the way you protected me. And that nothing bad was ever going to happen when you were looking out for me."
"You should feel that way. Because it's true."
She licked her lips nervously. "I don’t know what to do with my feelings about you and my brother. Knowing what you’ve just told me, I have so many more questions. Why would Rafe stop you from killing that man if the guy was really so bad? Was he some kind of traitor?"
Noah shook his head. "I have no answers. I wish I could take back that day. I wish I could take back my ego, my determination, my ambition. I wish I had listened to your brother. I wish you’d gotten there just a second earlier or a second too late. I wish all kinds of things. But if you asked me to do it all over again, to protect you, or to ask Rafe those questions, I would always choose to protect you." He ducked his head. "But I know it doesn't matter how I feel about you. I could never deserve you. I promise that I'll continue to keep you safe until this threat is gone. And then you can have that life that you've always wanted. With no interference from me."
"Noah." She waited until he lifted his head. "What you do is not who you are. I don't know what the circumstances with Rafe really were. But I know you." The tears streamed down her cheeks. "I know you wouldn’t have hurt him. Not on purpose. Especially not after what you've told me now."
She reached for his face. With the delicate touch of her fingertips along his cheekbone, he had no choice but to look at her.
God, she was so fucking beautiful.
"Lucia, I'm not Prince Charming. I'm not some nice Italian boy who's going to marry you and give you lots of babies. I'm not."
"I'm glad you're not that guy. I don't want little Italian babies. All I want is you.” She leaned forward, brushing her lips over his.